Chapter 5
Van
After that exchange, I was good and pissed for the rest of the day.
Walking home in the rain didn't help my temperament, and I had to take Heidi out in that shit, too.
Sitting on the floor of my tiny mint green bathroom, I scrubbed her fur with a towel and bit back tears.
Sensing my emotions, Heidi bumped against me, pushing her head up under my chin.
I wrapped my arms around her and held on.
"It's just you and me, girl."
That had always been enough, but today that solitude came back to haunt me. Knowing what I couldn't have, what had been stripped from me—what I'd stolen from myself with my past—it ate at me.
Croft's sold a few books, but it struck me as blasphemy to buy from a chain store when there was a perfectly good small business within walking distance selling better choices.
If only there was a day when Bailey wouldn't be there, then I could take the coward's way. But I was certain that wasn't possible.
So instead of reading, I discovered the yogurt wasn't half bad.
There were thirty-two stripes on the coverlet over the bed, sixteen each of blue and white.
For dinner, I fried up the veggies I'd purchased and added some rice and a scrambled egg.
Saturday night took too long to stretch into Sunday morning, and only a few of those hours allowed me to sleep.
My brain repeated my mantra of not getting close to anyone, no matter who they were.
I'd made that mistake before, and it had cost me everything.
Trusting the wrong people had invited trouble, and I'd dug so deep I couldn't find my way back out.
The money and the fear in people's eyes when my name was spoken lured me.
But now, I was acutely aware I was living on borrowed time.
So when a beautiful shop girl and her clever cat wooed me, I knew I had to make an about-face and head in the other direction.
It sucked.
When the men who used to call me brother tracked me down, I was a dead man.
That was what I carried with me, and I knew it before I moved across the country.
I knew it when I brought my girl Heidi with me for company, despite realizing it made me weak.
I knew it when I got the job in the fish processing plant and accepted cash under the table.
There was no way to un-know something; the truth was the truth, regardless of how much we sometimes might wish it otherwise.
And so, knowing my days were numbered, my only goal was to live life until that option was taken from me.
Back out on the street heading to work, I made certain to pay attention to my surroundings.
Only fools allowed themselves to become complacent.
The early hour mixed in with the fog rolling off the bay, and the buildings loomed ethereal as ghosts.
The sonority of the waves was buffered at this distance, but the ocean mist suffocated me with its tender kiss.
With bricks above me and cobblestones below me, roses beckoned, and my feet carried me of their own accord.
Empty of life without the woman within, volumes wrapped in colorful ink dared me to come closer.
There was some small, shameful part of me that knew I could break in, steal a book, and leave no trace of my existence behind.
The last vestiges of my morality urged me to carry on, face the day at work, and continue flying under the radar.
My knuckles berated me for not taking better care of them, but I hadn't found anything other than regular lotion to treat them.
Despite the gloves Chris provided, my hands were constantly wet and covered in slimy salt.
When I met my boss at the entrance to the warehouse, I rocked back and forth on the balls of my feet to rally my mental state and prepare for the day ahead.
At the end of my shift, I walked home as always.
But before I made it to my apartment, the hairs on the back of my neck stood up.
Glancing behind me, I tried not to be too obvious as I checked for someone I recognized.
A man in a cap and dark jacket shifted behind a building, and my breathing picked up.
Instead of leading him to my place, I detoured to the shore. It was more open, and he wouldn't have the chance to jump me without me seeing him coming. I wished I had Heidi with me for protection, but I also knew I could take him if he tried to hurt me.
I just didn't want it coming to that, especially not in public. The spectacle that would create would generate waves big enough to reach the east coast, and then, if the guy didn't come back, they’d know to look for me here.
In a town this small, it was no wonder I ran into people I recognized all the time.
Unfortunately, it put all of them in danger when a strange man was following me, and they didn't know about my past. As I spotted Ellie coming down the beach with a woman I hadn’t met yet, my instincts told me to run in the other direction.
“Van!” she called, waving at me.
I waved back, then spun abruptly in the opposite direction.
I needed to see if the man was still following me, and lead him away from the innocent if he was.
The last thing I wanted was him trying to take me out in a crowded area.
With my eyes trained on the shadows, I tried to locate the looming threat.
But it seemed he’d moved on, and that was fine for now.
Unfortunately, I knew then that I would have to keep even more vigilant than before.
If the man had heard Ellie calling my new name, it wouldn't take long for him to track me down. If he’d somehow recognized me despite my haphazard disguise, my days were numbered even shorter than I’d hoped.
Which meant that avoiding Bailey at all costs was for the best. Regardless of how lonely it made me, I couldn't get another person involved in my secrets. I couldn't put that target on their heads, not when it was meant for me alone.
By the time I made it home, Heidi was dancing around to go outside. I walked her quickly, feeling too skittish to take her on a long haul. She would get a longer walk later on, once I was positive the man hadn't followed me to the pitifully small apartment I called mine.
I wanted to call my sister. Beth would know what to do, at least ostensibly, but I was terrified the Vitales would have tapped her phone.
If she got a call from an area code on the other side of the country, they’d surely know it was me even before they traced it.
It was simply too big a risk. Besides, I didn't have a cell phone, and the apartment didn't come with a landline.
Since I was doing my best to fly under the radar, I hadn't stopped to get anything but dog food on my first day. I’d brought only enough money to put down a deposit on a one-bedroom, which turned out to be more like a one-room.
Feeding Heidi was more important than feeding myself, but I hadn't considered how much I’d struggle to wait until I got paid before eating.
And, somehow, Bailey knew that was what I’d done; she’d pegged me correctly when she said I went hungry so I could feed my dog.
The first thing I’d had to eat in a week was the cookie she’d shoved in my face, and I’d almost ruined that chance with my distrust of other people.
It wasn't that I thought she’d hurt me, but that I didn't like being touched at all. After what I’d been through, even a gentle touch was off-limits.
Bored out of my mind after a few hours, I leashed Heidi and took off again, finding my way through the quiet alleys after dark.
Without citizens wandering around, there was less danger if someone found me and tried to hurt me.
There wouldn't be any collateral damage that way—except maybe to them.
Heidi knew what she was doing, and I wasn't afraid to beat someone to death if it would save my life.
Hunching down in the collar of my jacket, I passed the back side of the convenience store, tensing when I realized someone was on their break having a smoke.
Without looking up, I kept walking, and my dog didn't even lift her head to acknowledge them.
Human interaction made me itchy, but the lack of it made me stir-crazy.
What a dichotomy my life had turned out to be.
A mean son of a bitch turned sour by life and destiny, doing illegal shit without worrying about the consequences, was the man I used to be.
By chance and maybe a bit of strategy, I’d gotten out of my circumstances and escaped the guillotine waiting for me.
But death was coming in one form or another, whether I thought I could hide from it successfully or not.
Hearing laughter, I turned my head to see down the alleyway to the next block. My stomach clenched when I realized it was Bailey and some guy standing outside the back door of the bakery. She grabbed his forearm as if to steady herself, and my vision wavered.
“You’re full of shit, Jeremy!”
He laughed too. “Not even a little bit. You know that’s how it went.”
I let Heidi sniff around a dumpster while I watched, frozen to my spot. I was far enough away that they wouldn't catch me watching unless I brought attention to myself, but I was naturally good at blending into the dark.
“I remember it quite differently,” Bailey added, a huge grin on her face. The light over the back door was just enough to illuminate her face, and there was no denying how carefree she looked.
Jealousy surged through me, and I couldn't tamp it down no matter how hard I tried. I had no right to her life, her laughter, or to belong in her memories. She wasn't mine, wouldn't ever be mine, and yet I stood there wishing it could be otherwise.
A woman like that would keep me on my toes. She’d be my match in temperament and intellect, but she was so much better than me. My moral compass had rotted long ago, while she was pure and sweet. Innocent.
Once again, I wished I could call Beth for advice. She’d probably tell me to get my head out of my ass, but the situation was more complicated than that. Just as I wouldn't drag my sister into my mess, neither would I drag down a complete stranger.
Even one who’d gotten so far under my skin I feared she was permanently etched there.