6. Shante
SHANTE
Ihad finally gotten comfortable when the nurse came back in to check my blood pressure. At this point, I was tired of somebody coming in here every five minutes checking something.My pressure, my IV, the babies, my temperature. I was ready to go home and sleep in my own damn bed.
The nurse smiled as she walked in with my chart. “How are you feeling?”
“Better.”
“Any dizziness?”
“No.”
“Headache?”
“A little.”
She checked the monitor and nodded. “Your blood pressure is coming down, so that’s good.”
“Thank God.”
She started checking my IV while flipping through my chart. “Since you’re a surrogate, the doctor is going to want to keep a close eye on you and the babies.”
I froze, my heart damn near stopped. “Ma’am…”
But it was already too late, Malik walked through the door. “A what?”
The nurse stopped moving and I slowly looked over. Malik was standing there with a bottle of water in one hand and a bag of chips in the other. His eyes went from the nurse to me. “A what?”
The nurse looked nervous. “I apologize.”
Malik stepped farther into the room. “What the fuck did you just say?”
The nurse looked at me, I couldn’t even speak.
“Surrogate?” Malik’s face changed.
The nurse grabbed her chart. “I think I need to give you two some privacy.”
“Nah.” His voice stopped her. “What the hell is she talking about?”
The nurse looked at me again, I could see the panic all over her face. “I’m sorry.” She rushed out the room and closed the door behind her. The second she was gone, the room went completely quiet. Malik stared at me and I stared at my blanket.
He waited, I couldn’t look him in his face. “Shante.”
I swallowed. “Malik…”
“What did she mean?” He snapped.
“I can explain.”
“Explain what?”
I rubbed my hands together.
He stepped closer. “She said you’re a surrogate.” I stayed quiet. “Shante.”
I finally looked up. “Yes.”
His eyebrows pulled together. “Yes what?”
“I’m a surrogate.”
He stared at me. “For who?”
I could barely get the words out. “Deuce.”
His face went blank. “What?”
I swallowed hard. “I’m carrying Deuce and Kim’s babies.”
He took a step backward then another. I could see him trying to process what I’d just said.
“Nah.”
“Malik—”
“Nah.” He shook his head. “You’re telling me these babies ain’t mine?”
I started crying. “I’m sorry.”
“That’s all the fuck you got to say is I’m sorry?” He yelled.
“I didn’t know how to tell you.”
His laugh came out low and bitter. “You ain’t know how to tell me?”
“I was scared.”
“You had months.”
“I know.”
“Months, Shante.” His voice got louder. “And I been sitting here thinking those were my kids.”
I covered my face. “I never meant to hurt you.”
“But you did.” He started pacing. I watched him put the pieces together one by one. Every appointment, every time I told him I was tired. Every time he touched my stomach. Every conversation we’d had about names. The nursery, the future, all of it.
“You let me believe I was about to be a father.”
I wiped my cheeks. “I know and I’m sorry I didn’t know what to do.”
“You knew the whole time.”
“I didn’t know how to stop it.”
He turned around so fast I jumped. “And Alisha?”
My stomach dropped, I couldn’t say anything. He stared at me. “She don’t know either, do she?”
I shook my head.
“What the fuck, Shante?”
“Malik…”
“That’s your best friend.”
His voice cracked with disbelief. “She thinks you pregnant by me.”
“I know.”
“You been sitting in her face this whole time letting her believe that?”
I started crying harder. “She don’t know.”
“Exactly.” He pointed toward the door. “Everybody thinks these babies are ours. And you knew damn well they wasn’t.”
“I was trying to protect Deuce.” I cried.
“Fuck Deuce!”
I flinched.
“What about you?” He stepped closer. “What about me? I thought I was building something with you. I thought these were our babies. I thought you were carrying my seeds.” His eyes were red. “I was happy. I was planning my whole damn life around them.”
I couldn’t even look at him.
“And you were smiling in my face knowing none of that was true.”
“I love you.”
He laughed bitterly. “Don’t.”
“Please.”
“Don’t fucking tell me you love me right now.”
“I do.”
“Then you should’ve trusted me enough to tell me the truth.”
I wiped my face. “I was trying to keep Deuce out of jail.”
“By carrying his babies?”
“Yes.”
He shook his head. “That’s some toxic-ass shit.”
“Kim’s father is FBI, he was investigating Deuce and he needed Kim to stay quiet.”
“And this was the deal?”
I nodded.
“He asked me to do it.”
“And you said yes.”
“I didn’t know what else to do.”
“You could’ve told me.”
I had no answer for that. He looked away then he shook his head. “And you let Alisha believe the same damn thing.”
“She thinks I’m pregnant by you.”
“She thinks her best friend is pregnant with her own kids but really they are her step kids.” His face tightened. “Do you know how fucked up that is?”
“I know.”
“No, you don’t.”
He pointed at me. “Because while you were protecting Deuce, you were lying to everybody who actually loved you.”
He grabbed his jacket from the chair.
“Malik, please don’t leave.”
“I need to get the fuck up outta here.”
“Please.”
He looked at me. “I can’t sit here and pretend everything is okay. I just found out the woman I love has been carrying another man’s babies. And she been letting me believe they was mine.”
Tears rolled down my face. “I never wanted to hurt you.”
“But you did.” He headed toward the door then stopped and he looked back at me. “And when Alisha finds out…”
I closed my eyes.
“…don’t expect her to look at you the same either.”
I started shaking my head.
“Malik—”
“That’s supposed to be your best friend.”
He stared at me. “What type of woman does that to somebody she calls her best friend?”
I couldn’t answer him and he opened the door. “I need some time before I say or do something I can’t take back.” Then he walked out.
The door slammed behind him and I sat there frozen.
My chest hurt so bad I could barely breathe.
My hand slowly moved over my stomach. One of the babies kicked then the other.
For months, I’d convinced myself I was doing this because I had no choice.
Deuce needed me, I was supposed to be helping my brother.
But sitting alone in that hospital room all I could think about was Malik’s face.
He didn’t look at me like I was the woman he loved.
He looked at me like I was somebody he didn’t recognize.
He wasn’t going to be the only one. Alisha still thought these babies belonged to me and Malik.
She had no idea I was carrying them for her husband and his side bitch.
I wiped my face. I had been so busy trying to protect Deuce from the FBI, I never stopped to think about what would happen when everybody else found out the truth. Now Malik knew and if he was this hurt I didn’t even want to imagine what Alisha was going to do when she found out.
Three days that’s how long I stayed in that hospital. Three damn days of doctors checking my blood pressure, nurses coming in and out, and me staring at my phone hoping Malik would finally call, but he didn’t. He never came back to the hospital either.
At first, I tried to give him space. I knew he was hurt.
I had just dropped a whole damn secret on him that changed everything he thought he knew about me.
So I tried not to bother him, that lasted about twelve hours.
Then I called once, then more times than I wanted to admit. It kept going straight to voicemail.
I sent texts and called again, nothing. By the next morning, I knew he’d blocked me. That shit hurt because Malik had never blocked me before. Not even when we got into one of our worst arguments. I still kept hoping he’d come around. Maybe he needed time, maybe he needed more time to cool off.
Maybe he’d realize I didn’t do any of this because I didn’t love him.
I held onto that little bit of hope because I didn’t know what else to hold onto.
The doctor finally came in that afternoon and told me my blood pressure had stabilized enough for me to go home.
I was ready. I signed my discharge papers, grabbed my bag, and ordered an Uber.
I thought about calling Grandma Lorraine because she would’ve come to get me without hesitation, but then she’d start asking questions. Where Malik was and he hadn’t been to the hospital. Why I looked like I’d been crying, what happened between us.
Grandma Lorraine knew me too well, she raised me. She could look at my face and tell when I was lying before I even opened my mouth. I wasn’t ready to tell her, so I kept my mouth shut and ordered my ride. When the Uber pulled up, I got in. The whole ride home, I stared out the window.
I kept thinking about Malik, I missed him. I was still mad at myself for what I’d done, but I wanted him. I wanted to see his truck in the driveway. I wanted to walk through that front door and hear him somewhere in the house. I would’ve even taken him ignoring me, at least he’d be there.
When the Uber pulled up, I paid the driver and got out. I stood on the sidewalk for a second. Everything on the outside looked normal. I grabbed my bag and unlocked the door. “Malik?” Nothing, I stepped inside. I dropped my bag by the door. “Malik?” Still nothing, I walked into the living room.
I stopped and looked around and the television was gone, I frowned. “What the hell?” I looked around where the couch used to sit and it was empty. I walked into the kitchen and opened the cabinets. There were no plates, no glasses, no silverware. I opened another cabinet and it was empty.
My heart started beating faster. I walked back into the living room.
Everything Malik had bought was gone. I hurried upstairs and our bedroom door was open.
I walked inside and the bed was still there, but that was about it.
The television was gone, the dresser was gone. Even the damn curtains were gone.
I stood there staring then I looked toward my closet. My clothes were still hanging there untouched. I looked toward the corner and the baby shower stuff was still stacked up. I walked into the bathroom and there was one drying towel and one face towel.
I stared at them. “Is he serious?” My laugh came out shaky. He had left me my clothes, the bed, and the baby stuff. I sat down on the edge of the bed and my hands started shaking.
I grabbed my phone and called him and it went straight to voicemail. I tried again and it went to voicemail again. I stared at his name, it was obvious he blocked me. I started crying. “Malik…”
I didn’t know where he was or when he left, and I didn’t know if he was coming back. And I damn sure didn’t know what I was supposed to do now. My phone started ringing and I looked down and it was an unknown number. My heart jumped and I answered. “Hello?” Then I heard him breathe. “Malik?”
“Yeah.”
I wiped my face. “Why did you take everything?”
His voice was cold. “You called me to ask about some damn furniture?”
“I came home and everything is gone.”
“Yeah and?”
“Why?” I asked.
“Because it’s mine.”
“You could’ve talked to me.”
“I did.”
“No, you didn’t.”
“I told you exactly how I felt.”
“You told me you needed time.”
“And I took it permanently.”
My voice cracked. “Malik…”
“Nah, Shante.”
“You made your choice now deal with it. I guess you thought I was going to have some type of sympathy. You didn’t have sympathy for me when you was fucking lying to me.
“I didn’t choose this over you.”
“ Yes the fuck you did you chose it over everything.”
“I was trying to help my brother.”
“Exactly.” His voice got harder. “Since you are your brother’s keeper, have Deuce buy you some damn furniture.”
I closed my eyes. “Don’t do this.”
“Do what? Quit fucking with a lying ass bitch.” He spat.
“You know what I mean.”
“Nah, You don’t get to sit there and cry now. You made me look stupid. I trusted and loved you. And you sat in my face for months knowing you were carrying somebody else’s kids.”
Tears rolled down my cheeks. “I was scared.”
“That ain’t no excuse.” He yelled.
“I didn’t know what would happen.”
“You should’ve thought about that before you said yes.”
I wiped my face. “Can you ever forgive me?”
He went quiet. When he finally answered, his voice was lower. “No.”
My chest tightened. “Malik…”
“I can’t forgive you. You broke something I can’t fix. You know what trust is?”
I didn’t answer.
“It’s believing somebody ain’t gone play in your face. You did that shit every day. I can’t trust you anymore.”
I cried harder.
“And once the trust is gone…” He paused. “…what the hell we got?”
I couldn’t speak.
“Maybe you and Deuce should be together.”
My head snapped up. “Don’t say that.”
“Why not?”
“Because that’s not what this was.”
“You are carrying his babies, you lied to your best friend and lied to me. Sound like you and that trifling ass nigga got more in common than I thought.”
“Malik, please.”
“Thank God I dodged that bullet.”
I froze and he continued. “I don't want kids with somebody who can do sneaky shit like that anyway.”
That broke something inside me. I covered my mouth. “You don’t mean that.”
“I do, I meant every word.”
I was crying so hard I could barely breathe. “I love you.”
“I don’t care.” The words came out cold. “I don’t trust you and without trust, love ain’t enough.”
I heard him breathe into the phone then he said the words that fucked me up. “You made your choice, Shante now live with it.”
After that the line went dead. I sat there holding the phone against my ear. “Malik?” I slowly lowered it. Then I looked around my bedroom, all he left me was a bed, my clothes and all the babies stuff. I slid off the bed and hit the floor. The tears came harder as I screamed into my hands.
I cried for Malik, and Alisha and the lie I've been telling all these months. I grabbed the pillow and held it against my chest. “I didn’t mean for this to happen.” But nobody answered me, Grandma Lorraine wasn’t here, Malik wasn’t here. There was nobody to tell me it was going to be okay.
Just me sitting in an empty ass house, realizing the secret I’d thought I could carry had finally cost me the one person who trusted me with his whole heart.