17. Shante #3
“I don’t want to.” There that was the truth.
Grandma didn’t respond immediately. “I already lost Malik. Deuce in jail and I don’t know what the hell my life is gonna look like after I have these babies.
And if I tell Alisha…” I couldn’t even finish it.
Alisha had been there before Deuce and Malik.
She wasn’t just my sister-in-law. That was my girl, the person I called when something good or bad happened.
The one who could tell something was wrong just by the way I said hello.
I knew exactly what telling her could cost me, everything. “I’m not ready to lose her too.”
Grandma’s face softened, but she didn’t rescue me from it. “So you’re gonna let her keep loving you without knowing what you did?”
That hurt bad. “I don’t know.”
“Yes, you do.”
I looked away because I did. I was going to keep lying, not because I thought it was right or because I believed Alisha didn’t deserve the truth.
But because I was scared. Scared that the second she knew, every year of friendship between us would stop mattering.
Scared she’d look at me and see Deuce’s sister instead of her best friend.
Or even worse, she’d see somebody who helped make a fool out of her, and she’d be right. “I know it’s selfish.”
Grandma nodded. “At least now you are telling the truth about something.”
I gave her a look. “Damn.”
“What? I’m proud of the progress.”
“Grandma, please.”
She reached for her tea. “I can’t make you tell Alisha and I’m not telling her for you.”
Relief mixed with guilt.
“But don’t fool yourself into thinking silence protects your friendship, it only protects the friendship you got while she doesn't know.
She was right. The Alisha who loved me right now didn’t have all the information. If she knew everything, maybe she wouldn’t love me the same, maybe she wouldn’t love me at all. And I wasn’t ready to find out.
Grandma leaned back. “Truth doesn't need your permission to come out, Shante.”
“I know.”
“Do you?”
I didn’t answer and she let it go thank God. For a while, we sat there quietly, then Grandma looked at my plate. “You done?”
“Yeah.”
“ I’ll wrap that chicken up.”
“I don’t want it.”
“You will later.”
“No, I won’t.”
Grandma stood. “You're pregnant, you'll be hungry before you get past Seven Mile.”
“Why Seven Mile?”
“I don’t know where hunger starts.”
Only Grandma could drag me through an emotional ass whooping and then argue about leftover chicken five minutes later. I stayed a little longer. By the time I got ready to leave, my mind wasn’t any clearer. If anything, Grandma had made it worse.
Before, I could only blame Deuce. I had to take accountability for my actions as well. He had started this mess but I’d helped keep it alive.
At the door, Grandma hugged me. “Call me when you get home.”
“I will.” She handed me a foil-covered plate.
“I told you I don’t want that.”
“And I told you I don’t care.”
I took it.
“Bossy.”
I stepped outside. “Love you, Grandma.”
“Love you too, baby.”
I made it halfway to my car before she called after me.
“Shante.”
I turned.
Grandma stood in the doorway. She didn’t make another joke. “Whatever you decide, make sure you can live with it when you ain’t scared no more.”
I didn’t answer. I got into my car and shut the door.
That stayed with me the whole drive home.
I knew keeping this from Alisha was wrong.
I knew every normal conversation between us was built on something she didn’t know.
I knew the longer I waited, the worse it would be if she ever found out.
But fear didn’t always make people run. Sometimes it made you hold tighter to the very thing you were destroying.
And that’s exactly what I was doing. I wasn’t telling Alisha not tonight, not tomorrow.
If I had my way, not ever. I’d have these babies and Kim would take them.
Deuce would deal with whatever happened with his case.
Eventually, enough time would pass that maybe this whole nightmare could become something we didn’t talk about anymore.
It was fucked up, I knew that. But losing Alisha felt more real to me than doing the right thing. So I chose the secret. What I didn’t know was that it wasn’t mine to keep anymore.
A few weeks had passed since I went to see Deuce, and somehow my life had gotten even more complicated.
My doctor had officially put me on bed rest. With the twins getting close and my blood pressure giving them something else to watch, I had strict instructions to stay off my feet as much as possible.
So most of my days consisted of me and my bed and the tv grandma bought me way too much time to think.
Grandma had taken over everything else. She brought food, groceries, checked on me constantly, and acted like getting up to walk across my own apartment was a criminal offense.
The apartment wasn’t as empty as it had been when Malik first left.
Grandma helped me replace some things, and I’d ordered a few necessities online, but it still felt empty.
Being stuck inside made me notice things I probably would’ve ignored otherwise.
Like with Alisha something was different.
At first, I blamed it on everything she had going on.
Deuce was still locked up. She had Brittany, the nail shop, and her own life to keep together.
Then there was all the bullshit connected to Deuce’s street business that she never asked to be involved in.
If anybody deserved to shut the world out for a minute, it was Alisha. That’s what I told myself the first time she didn’t answer my call, and the second then the third. She’d eventually respond, but her responses weren’t like her, they were short and dry hours later.
When I told her the doctor had put me on bed rest, all I got was a text telling me to take care of myself.
That bothered me because the old Alisha would’ve called before I even had time to put my phone down.
She would’ve wanted to know what the doctor said, what I needed, whether somebody was staying with me.
More than likely, she would’ve shown up with food and a bag full of shit I didn’t ask for.
Instead, nothing, days passed without me hearing her voice.Then a week and she wasn’t coming by Grandma’s either.
That was strange too, Alisha being mad at Deuce had never stopped her from dealing with Grandma.
Their relationship had always been separate.
But lately, she seemed to be keeping her distance from everybody connected to us.
At first, I tried not to take it personally.
Then I started going through our messages.
That was when I really noticed it. There was a clear difference.
Before, our conversations were normal, random jokes, pictures and complaints about our day.
Her checking on the babies and me complaining about whatever was getting on my nerves.
Then it just stopped, no argument or explanation. Nothing happened between us that I knew of. Alisha had simply started disappearing. And the longer I sat in that apartment with nothing to do, the more my mind tried to figure out why.
Kim was the first person I thought about.
If anybody would throw a grenade into somebody else’s life and stand around watching what happened, it was her.
The baby shower had already proven she couldn’t control herself when she got emotional.
All it would take was Deuce rejecting her again or me pissing her off for Kim to decide Alisha deserved to know everything.
For a few days, that possibility stayed in the back of my mind.
If Kim had told Alisha the truth, I would’ve known.