17. Shante #4
I knew my best friend, Alisha, wasn't going to find out I was carrying Deuce and Kim’s twins and send me a dry text telling me to take care of myself.
Hell no, she would’ve been at my door. Pregnant or not, bed rest or not, Alisha would’ve checked my ass.
That thought was actually what kept calming me down.
If Alisha knew, there would be a reaction and there hadn’t been one.
So she couldn’t know, then I thought about Malik.
That possibility was even easier to dismiss because Malik didn’t move like that.
He was angry with me, and he had every right to be, but he wasn’t messy.
He could’ve embarrassed me when he left.
He knew enough to make me look terrible to everybody who knew us, but he didn’t.
He packed his shit, took damn near everything that wasn’t nailed down, and walked out of my life, but that was Malik.
When he was done, he was done. He wasn’t calling people and telling their business, or trying to get revenge.
So I crossed him off too. That left me with the explanation that made the most sense.
Alisha was tired, tired of the drama and of our family.
Maybe she needed to separate herself from everybody attached to him for a while.
I could understand that. What I couldn’t understand was why it hurt so damn much.
These babies would be here soon, and once they were born, I’d be handing them over and trying to figure out what my life looked like afterward.
Alisha was supposed to still be there. She was the one person I kept telling myself I hadn’t lost and now I wasn’t so sure. Grandma noticed the distance too, although she didn’t give me much when I asked about it. She just said Alisha had a lot going on and probably needed space.
That should’ve been enough but it wasn’t.
Especially because something about Grandma’s response felt careful.
That made my mind start moving all over again.
One afternoon, I was lying on the couch scrolling through old messages when I came across a picture Alisha had sent weeks earlier of two little outfits, one for each baby.
She would be joking about making sure her babies were fresh and how Auntie had them covered.
I stared at that picture until guilt started crawling all over me.
She had no clue she’d been shopping for her husband’s children with another woman.
I locked my phone, nah she couldn’t know.
Later that night, something came back to me that I hadn’t really thought about since it happened.
The last time Alisha came to my apartment I lied to her about Malik cheating.
I panicked when she saw the place was almost empty.
I couldn’t tell her why Malik really left, so I gave her something she’d understand.
Alisha had been furious and was ready to find him.
At the time, I’d been more worried about getting her out of my apartment before I accidentally said too much.
Afterward, I never really thought about whether she’d actually found him until now.
I stared at the ceiling. Malik wasn’t messy, but there was a difference between Malik seeking Alisha out to expose me and Alisha showing up accusing him of cheating because of a lie I’d told.
Malik didn’t play about his name. He especially didn’t play about being embarrassed.
And if Alisha had found him somewhere especially at one of his businesses and came at him sideways about something he hadn’t done…
Would he really protect my secret? After everything I’d done to him?
For the first time, Malik didn’t feel impossible anymore.
I reached for my phone and pulled up his name. I hadn’t spoken to him in weeks.
There were messages I’d sent that he’d never answered. Calls he’d ignored, my finger hovered over his number. I could ask, but what the hell was I supposed to say? Did you tell Alisha I’m carrying her husband’s babies? If he hadn’t, I’d look paranoid, If he had… I wasn’t sure I wanted the answer.
Then I pulled up Alisha’s name, same problem.
I wanted to ask why she’d been acting differently and if somebody had said something to her, or if she’d talked to Malik.
But I couldn’t ask any of those questions without opening a door I had spent months trying to keep closed.
That was the problem with lying eventually you couldn’t even ask normal questions without worrying about where the answers might lead.
So I did nothing, I put my phone down and went back to convincing myself that Alisha couldn’t know.
Because I knew her but lately, I had started wondering if maybe I’d hurt her badly enough to meet a version of my best friend I’d never seen before.
I wasn’t ready to find out so I chose the explanation that hurt the least, Alisha was overwhelmed and she needed space.
She’d come around when she was ready. My secret was still safe, I told myself that so many times I almost believed it.