Chapter 10 Sabrina
TEN
SAbrINA
I’d done many stupid things in my life, but thinking I could have casual sex with one of my best friends without any repercussions absolutely took the cake, as my grandmother would say.
In high school, it had been so easy to stay casual, but I hadn’t paid much mind to anything of importance back then or had an inkling of responsibility.
After assuring Emily I wouldn’t fall back into my old habits with Caden, I’d taken him to my niece’s wedding as not only my date but my fake boyfriend.
After lines blurred all over the place from lingering touches and heated kisses, I’d served myself up to him on a big, king-sized bed platter and had the best sex of my life, foolishly thinking that when we arrived home, the amazing sex we’d had could continue without having to label it.
What I’d done was cheapen what had happened between us, and I hated myself for it. For the past week, Caden and I still spoke over text, but it was short. He said he was busy at work and with family, but I didn’t believe him.
I was mad at myself for turning a great thing into an awkward mess and at him for blowing me off, even though he had every right to.
Caden had always been right there for me, my rock and my biggest cheerleader in so many ways. Now, it felt like he was drifting away from me because of my stupidity. I should have told him the truth. That the mind-melting sex we’d had had scared the shit out of me.
Thanks to Austin, I was terrified of loving anyone again or giving my entire self to someone, only to have them hurt me in the end.
Even when we’d had sex as teens, I’d considered Caden a friend before anything else. But ever since he’d come back into my life, it seemed different between us. He wasn’t just someone fun to hang out with. He was someone I needed to see.
Being with Caden felt good. Not as a distraction or to scratch an inch, he was the sunshine in what had become a very boring and mundane world since my divorce.
I finally bit the bullet and called Jesse to see if Caden was okay. Emily didn’t know that we’d hooked up in the present tense, and I wasn’t ready to share it with anyone.
Plus, I had no interest or patience for a game of telephone of her asking Jesse to ask Caden how he was. I put on my big-girl panties and removed the unneeded degree of separation.
“Sabrina? Everything okay? Is Emily all right?”
“Yes,” I said, cringing at the concern in his voice. “I’m so sorry to scare you, but I haven’t really heard from Caden lately and not at all the past few days. Do you know if he’s all right?”
“He didn’t tell you? His mother took a bad fall in the nursing home she lives in. He’s been back and forth all week.”
My stomach dropped as my hand flew to my mouth.
“No, he didn’t. That’s horrible. Is he there now?”
“He is. Or he should be. He’s been going there right after work every night. Maybe you can catch him and make sure he eats.”
Caden had told me that his mother was living in a nursing home, but he never wanted to share details about it and I didn’t press. Of the two of us, I was the one who went on and on about my problems and never really gave him a chance to share any of his.
I was the shittiest friend alive and should have made this call so much earlier.
Of course, it stung that he hadn’t told me and maybe didn’t want me there, but I’d take care of him even if he hated it.
“I’m heading there now. It’s the one on Sunrise Highway, right?”
“Yes, that’s the one.”
“Thanks, Jesse. Even though he probably doesn’t want me there—”
“He does. In fact, you’re exactly what he needs right now.”
I raced out of my apartment, stopping at Caden’s favorite burger place before heading to the home. I didn’t know what kind of shape his mother was in, so I grabbed a small vase of flowers from the gift shop on my way in.
Mrs. Williams had been the coolest of all our parents. Warm and sweet like her son, with the same sense of humor, and she had never given me any dirty looks when she’d catch me sneaking out of her son’s room.
I barely had time to rehearse what I’d say when I almost barreled right into Caden coming off the elevator.
“Sabrina, what are you doing here?”
Caden had heavy, dark bags under his eyes and maybe an extra week’s stubble covering his cheeks. It had hurt that he hadn’t wanted to see me, but it killed me to see him like this.
“Jesse told me that your mom was hurt. I was worried since I hadn’t heard from you this week—or, really, in a while. But we’ll talk about that later. I have dinner for you and flowers for your mom.”
His shoulders drooped as a slow smile spread his mouth.
“That’s very sweet of you, but you didn’t have to do that.”
“Your mom was always so nice to me, and you look like shit and need to eat.”
A chuckle shook his shoulders. His smile relaxed me a little, and I wished I could just bring him into my arms and kiss him, but I had no right to do that or even to be here.
But I needed to be where he was, and I’d sort out the motivations for my actions tonight after I made sure he was okay.
“Well, stop sweet-talking me and come with me.”
Caden took the bag from me and pressed his hand into the small of my back, gently guiding me down the hall.
“You can give these to her, but I need to tell you what to expect.”
We stopped outside the doorway of what I guessed was his mother’s room.
“She took a bad fall and has stitches on her head. It looks a lot worse than it is, but it was enough to disorient her.” He looked away and raked his hand through his hair. “She already has dementia.”
“Caden,” I gasped, pressing my hand into my chest. “You never told me.”
“I don’t like talking about it. You remembered Mom as the cool lady she always was, and it hurt to explain that she is…
different now. She always knows who I am, but I never know what version.
Sometimes I’m me of present day, sometimes I’m in high school, others I’m in kindergarten.
But she knows me, so I’m thankful as fuck for that. ”
I stood silent for a long minute, our eyes locked as I took in what Caden was saying.
He’d been going through this with his mother and hadn’t said a word.
He’d come to Maddie’s games to check on her and Jesse and would watch stupid TV with me at my apartment or his, always the one to make any of us laugh or offer a sympathetic ear.
But no one did that for him. Maybe Jesse, but he’d been in his own fog for a while.
“I really wish you would have told me,” I said, clearing my throat when I caught my voice crack. “I could have… I don’t know. Been there for you.”
“Sab, there’s nothing anyone can do. I appreciate it, but,” he said, lifting a shoulder, “it is what it is. It’s hard to see, but we keep her comfortable.”
I followed him into the room and found Mrs. Williams in a pink nightgown under several blankets. Bouquets of flowers and balloons lined the tables by her bed. She was smaller than I remembered but had the same kind smile curving her lips as she slept.
Caden’s family was close, and by all the gifts and cards, it was obvious that she was still surrounded by so much love, love she probably wasn’t aware of. Or maybe she was. Maybe love was intangible enough to feel even if you weren’t conscious of it.
I hoped so, for her sake.
“Hey, Mom. Remember Sabrina? She came to visit you today.” Caden gave her knee a gentle shake over the blanket.
Her eyes blinked open and grew wide when she met my gaze.
“Sabrina! It’s so nice to see you. It’s been a long time.”
“It has,” I said, stepping up to the bed to squeeze her hand. I didn’t quantify how long it had been since I didn’t know what her long time had meant.
“I haven’t seen your mother in a while. When do you start school? Caden leaves at the end of August.”
Caden met my gaze with a slow nod. She thought it was right after graduation, around the time we’d lost touch. It felt a surreal kind of awful to be catapulted back to that time. I wished it were real outside of Mrs. Williams’s head. I’d do so many things differently.
Before I could figure out how to answer, we all turned to a knock on the door.
“Sorry to interrupt a visit.” A nurse in pink scrubs came up to her bed. “Your doctor is on the phone, and I thought your son would like to speak to him.”
“Yes, I’ll be right there,” Caden said. “Sabrina will keep you company until I get back.” He snuck me a smile before following the nurse outside.
“He’s such a worrywart for a young kid.” She shook her head at his departure. “But my head hurts too much to get on the phone. I hope I’m getting discharged soon. I need to get out of here and get everything for Caden’s dorm. I’ll miss him when he’s in Pennsylvania, and I’m sure you will too.”
She chuckled as she patted my hand.
“I’m glad you came back. He’s been so sad since you stopped coming over.”
“He…has?” I didn’t know how to answer that. I guessed the timeline in her head was right after Jesse and Emily broke up and we stopped speaking.
“Not as sad as Jesse. That poor kid hasn’t cracked a smile for weeks. Caden tries to be upbeat for him, but I see it when he’s alone.” She pressed off the bed, wincing as she held her head.
“Careful,” I told her as I guided her back down to the mattress.
“My son loves you. I knew it a long time ago.” She squeezed my wrist before her eyes drifted closed. “And when he looked at you just now, it was so obvious.” She tapped my chin with her knuckle. “I’m so happy you’re back. I was waiting for the two of you to figure it out.”
Caden loved me? I wouldn’t correct her, but we hadn’t been like that back then. Sure, she’d caught us in a lot of bad positions, but we were just friends. Mostly.
I wished for that time again. It was so easy. Now was really fucking hard.
I never wanted to get married again or fall in love with someone who’d only hurt me in the end.
Caden would never hurt me, and when my mind drifted between then and now, maybe I’d been the one hurting him for years and not realizing it.
Like when I’d tell him how great it was that we had no attachments or regrets back in high school, or when I wrote off the amazing night together as an old hookup.
Friends with benefits didn’t work as easily these days as it did back when we were teenagers. Now, we were adults and aware enough of the big feelings to fear them.
And I had so many big feelings for Caden. Feelings that terrified me to my core.
Caden had never scared me—until now.
“Okay, the doctor says everything looks good and you need some rest.” Caden came up to her bed and kissed her cheek. “Sabrina brought me dinner so I’m going to eat, and you will go to sleep. I’ll come back tomorrow.”
“Okay. You get some rest too. While you still can this summer.”
“It was good to see you, Mrs. Williams.” I squeezed her hand. “I’ll leave these here for you.” I set the vase of flowers with all the others next to her bed and headed outside.
“I guess that’s one silver lining in all this. I get to relive my younger years,” he joked as we headed down the hall. “Thanks for bringing me dinner.”
“You’re welcome. I just wish there was something more I could do.”
“Nothing, really. Like I said, she’s comfortable and was happy to see you.” He sent me a crooked grin. “Maybe she went back to that summer in her head because you still look so good.”
I rolled my eyes, despite the burn in my throat.
“Yeah, life didn’t age me at all.”
“It didn’t. Gorgeous then, even more gorgeous now.”
My gaze snagged on his as my vision blurred. It was amazing how a woman living in another time forced me to see what I’d been avoiding in the present.
“I think we need to talk.”