Chapter 34
T he sky was a brilliant, even blue and only a few delicate clouds scattered the view before her, a stark contrast to the grey initially after dawn broke –how ironic that the first spell of clear, sunny weather fell today when she couldn’t be feeling greyer and more unclear if she tried. The lanes wound intricately as she made her way to a busier road – she hadn’t come up this way since she’d arrived here back in September. She had a feeling that in her haste to leave, she’d taken a wrong turn meaning she had wound up on a road less travelled – barely one car could fit through here at points, let alone two. She had no idea what she would do if she came across another car.
Her phone had been lighting up constantly for the last fifteen minutes. A strong suspicion was that it was Alfie. She couldn’t bring herself to answer him. The further she drove, the deeper the pit in her stomach grew, indicating that maybe bolting hadn’t been the right thing to do after all, even though she’d thought it the best thing for Alfie when she woke this morning. Before she had the chance to muse further, she’d slammed on the brakes – a dead end and a chipped sign with “You are Entering Private Property” scrawled across it, like something from a horror movie before it all goes wrong. She swallowed, hoping it wasn’t an omen and bashed the gearstick into reverse. Before she hit the accelerator, she noticed her phone flash up again. Curiosity got the better of her and picking it up saw Amy’s name flash across the screen. She took a breath and answered.
“Hey.”
“ Hey?! Is that all you can say? Where the hell are you?” Millie closed her eyes – obviously Alfie would have rung her.
“My honest answer is that I’m not sure. I’ve hit a dead end somewhere.” Millie wasn’t sure if she meant literally or metaphorically.
“Ok, well let me rephrase then. Where are you going?!” Millie hesitated.
“I’m…I’m going back to London.” She tried to sound confident in her statement, but the wavering voice may have blown her cover.
“What?! Why?! You do realise I’ve just had Alfie on the phone to me practically crying right?” she shouted down the phone and Millie’s heart dropped. Practically crying? Amy took her silence as a response.
“Yeah, exactly. He told me what happened, Millie. Why would you do that?” She felt tears spring to her own eyes and switching off the ignition, she spent the next ten minutes explaining to Amy all about her feelings of self-doubt, all that had happened with Sam and how she just didn’t want to hurt Alfie in any way.
“So I do want to see him at some point, even if just to say sorry,” Millie wound up.
“OK, answer me this Millie. Do you love Alfie?”
“Amy…”
“No, just answer me the first word that comes into your head. Do you love him, yes or no?” She closed her eyes and spoke honestly.
“Yes. But…” She couldn’t finish the sentence. But what? There was a silence so long she wondered if Amy had hung up on her.
“Fine,” she spoke at last. “I get it. But Millie, I’m going to miss you too. I haven’t had the chance to say goodbye to you. I know we’ve only known each other a few months but I feel we’ve struck up a lovely, genuine friendship. I know I can be a loudmouth and a bit nutty, but please come back so I can just give you a squeeze and say bye properly? And then, if you still want to go, you go.” Millie’s heart leaped out to her. She sounded so vulnerable – she was right, she was a loudmouth. But she had also supported Millie a lot in her own unique way the last few months. Without Amy, she wouldn’t have met the rest of the group. She certainly wouldn’t have had the memories she had now of Sandyhaven: the early morning dips in the sea, the chaotic nights in the pub and the general feeling of belonging to a group of friends. She owed her a goodbye, especially because she wasn’t sure when she’d see her again.
“OK, you win,” she replied. “I’ve taken a wrong turn, so I need to head back towards you anyway. I’m not coming into Sandyhaven though,” she said.
“How about meeting you in Carnglaze? It’s only ten minutes up from here and it’ll get you closer to the main road,” Amy offered. After thinking for a few moments, she accepted. A five-minute goodbye – and a thank you – and she’d be off.
* * *
“This could be the biggest decision we make together,” Sam said seriously. Millie eyed him over her glass of wine. So this is why he’d brought her out tonight. It was rare he properly took her out on what she’d call a date. Their nights out usually involved spending time with his male friends and were less “romantic” and more “frantic.” Maybe he’d thought bringing her to a posh restaurant and plying her with wine would convince her to up sticks and move abroad to Singapore for his new job opportunity.
He’d pushed it on her quite quickly, labelling it as the best thing that could ever happen to him. And whilst she’d been shocked at the revelation, of course she felt happy for him. He was so animated whilst he talked about it; in fact, she didn’t think she’d ever seen him so excited. When she’d pressed for more details (where would they be living, how long was the job for?), he’d been a little sketchy, which had automatically raised her suspicions. But he’d insisted it was an incredible opportunity for them both – after all, Millie was just in a standard office job and “she could do her art anywhere” (his words).
Millie’s immediate inner reaction had been a hard no though – she’d never been particularly interested about living abroad like some people were. Also, they were still fairly early into their relationship. And it wasn’t that she didn’t think they would last a change like this, but they had yet to discuss the deeper intricacies of their relationship, especially moving forwards. She knew she wanted to get married and have children – where would that fit into this new, exotic life?
Above everything else, Millie’s had just learned of quite how bad her mum’s addiction had become and it was uncertain where that was going to go. Despite their rocky relationship, she knew she didn’t want to leave her.
How on earth she was going to explain this to Sam though, was a tricky one. She could tell he already had his heart set on it – he’d probably already agreed to it. She’d made a habit of going along with things to keep the peace so far in their relationship, but it had been over menial things like what colour they’d paint the flat, or what takeaway to get on the weekend. This was a whole different level.
She shifted uncomfortably in her seat and noted as his face dropped, his expression turning to a mixture of disappointment and irritation.
“I’m guessing the fact you haven’t said ‘yes’ straight away means you’re opposed to it then?”
“I wouldn’t say ‘opposed’ exactly,” she replied quickly, leaping to her own defence. “But it’s a huge thing to reveal to me. I need a bit of time to process it.” He frowned.
“You do realise what’s on the table here, right? We’d be able to move out there and you wouldn’t need to get a job? The salary is great and there are living expenses included too.” He was right, it did sound great – for someone else. She studied his face as he watched hers back and couldn’t help but wonder: if they’d met all over again now, would they still have got into a relationship? Would she still have been attracted to him?
“It sounds wonderful, Sam. And I’m really proud of you for getting it. They obviously think a great deal about you there,” she said enthusiastically, hoping it would soften the blow of what she was going to say next. “But I can’t go with you.” His face dropped.
“Why not?” His voice was raised and Millie cast a brief glance around the restaurant to see if anyone had noticed. Thankfully, no-one seemed to be obviously looking their way.
“Because,” she began, fiddling with her wine glass. “There’s too much going on here right now. And we haven’t even had a conversation about…us.” He looked even more confused now.
“Us?”
“Yeah, you know…” She really didn’t want to have this conversation here. “Our future. What we want.”
“I’m telling you what I want. I want to move to Singapore. With you.” She didn’t like how he’d just tagged her on the end of that sentence. Like an afterthought.
“Exactly. That’s what you want. But what about what we want together?” He looked genuinely confused and she could tell this wasn’t going to be an easy conversation. She’d suggested they talk about it back at home, in private and not within earshot of strangers. He hadn’t been happy but agreed and they’d eaten their meal in awkward silence.
In the taxi on the way home, Sam broke the silence.
“I think the problem with you Millie is you don’t just trust the process. You overthink.” She remained silent. She partially agreed with him, but it still felt deeply personal to hear someone else say it. “You don’t know how to just reach out and grab things.” She stared out the rain-streaked window at the glimmering lights of London flashing by, knowing he was right. She had never been able to just trust the process.