TWELVE
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING HAPPENING
Oliver
‘Do you want coffee?’ asked Alex brightly. ‘I’m just boiling the kettle.’
I looked over at Paddy, and I could see him quickly assessing the scene in front of him.
‘Er. No, thanks,’ he said, taking off his coat and hanging it up. ‘I’m going to get my head down soon.’
‘Why don’t you take Grainger’s room?’ I said. ‘I’ll sleep out here or in with Noah.’
‘I can kip on the sofa,’ said Paddy.
‘No. Take Grainger’s room.’ I moved out of the kitchen area, and I could feel the relief settle around Alex.
‘If you’re sure,’ said Paddy.
‘I’m sure.’
‘Night, then both,’ said Paddy, before heading into Grainger’s room.
‘Actually,’ said Alex. ‘I might skip the coffee. I’m really tired. Think it’s all catching up to me now. Not the kind of day I was expecting.’
I could tell she was on edge, and I felt guilty for being the cause.
‘Good idea,’ I said. ‘I should get some kip myself.’
She picked up her phone from the worktop. ‘See you in the morning.’
‘Alex… thank you.’
She paused and gave me a small smile. ‘Don’t dwell on it,’ she said. ‘Everyone is okay, including Noah.’
I didn’t reply as she went off to bed. I knew she was right. The soldier in me told me to park it. Move on. The father in me wasn’t so obliging.
I waited a few minutes while Alex used the bathroom and settled in her room before I went down the hall to check on Noah. He was fast asleep and seemingly unbothered by what had happened now. It was a relief.
In the end, I made my bed up on the sofa, deciding against sleeping in with Noah. It was a small room and a single bed. I didn’t want to disturb him.
The sofa was too short for me, but the fire had kept the room warm. I closed my eyes and forced my body to relax. An old army habit. When you don’t know if you’ll sleep again for thirty-six hours, you stop waiting to feel tired. You just go.
I felt my nervous system go into rest mode.
I needed sleep.
I must have dropped off pretty quickly in the end, but I was woken by a noise that took a few moments for me to recognise. It was the gentle sound of whimpering. I switched on the lamp and looked at my phone. It was two-fifteen in the morning.
I listened again.
Definitely crying. Not sobbing but semi-conscious, muted crying.
Then there was the click of a door and the sound of someone moving down the hallway.
Noah. It was Noah crying. Fuck.
I threw back the bedclothes and was across the room in a couple of strides. I had PJ bottoms on, but that was all. Not that Noah would be bothered.
His bedroom door was open a fraction, and I could hear someone talking to him. Alex.
I stopped at the doorway. She didn’t know I was there. I just listened.
‘Hey, Noah, it’s me, Alex. It’s okay, sweetheart, you’re just dreaming.’
She was crouched down at the side of the bed, her hand gently brushing the hair from his forehead.
‘I was scared,’ whispered Noah.
I should have gone in there. Told him it was okay. That I was there, and he didn’t have to be scared. But something held me back.
‘It’s okay to be scared,’ said Alex. There was zero reproach in her voice, just a gentleness I hadn’t heard before. ‘Everyone gets scared. Remember, being scared is not the same as being in danger. Being scared is the way we protect ourselves. It reminds us of what we should and shouldn’t do.’
‘I shouldn’t have gone by the water,’ he whispered.
‘You didn’t know that then, but you do now. And that’s a good thing.’
‘I dreamed I was in the water, and no one came.’ A little sob caught in his throat. My hand went to the door, but that was all.
‘It’s just a dream. Your brain is doing its job, keeping you safe. That’s all.’ She pulled the cover up over him.
‘I don’t want to be alone.’
‘I can stay for a little while, if you want.’ He nodded. ‘But you know, you’re not alone. You’ve got your dad just in the next room. Paddy’s is here. I’m here. You’ve got people who love you all right here. You’re safe. You’re so safe, sweetheart.’
‘All night? They’ll be here all night?’ His voice was sleepier now.
‘All night. All the time.’
‘No one is going to leave?’
‘No. Everyone is right here.’ She stroked his head and then softly patted his shoulder.
I stayed where I was. I couldn’t have moved if I’d tried.
Noah’s breathing deepened. Alex carried on rhythmically patting him. ‘People who love you don’t leave,’ she said softly.
The words landed with a thud in my chest and was immediately transported back to my ten-year-old self and my dad leaving home.
I took a couple of steps back from the door. I was just about to go back to the living room when Alex got to her feet. She turned, and I saw her startle at my presence.
She came out of Noah’s room, pulling the door behind her. She was wearing a sweatshirt over a t-shirt that skimmed her thighs.
‘Sorry,’ she said. ‘He had a bad dream. I didn’t know if you’d heard him. I hope you don’t mind.’
I shook my head. ‘I don’t mind at all. Thank you.’
We stood there looking at each other in the half-dark of the hallway. I had no idea what I wanted to say. I could have said so many things, but none of them was appropriate.
Alex recovered first. ‘I’ll… go back to bed.’ She opened her bedroom door. ‘Goodnight, Oliver.’
I went to speak, but my voice decided this was the moment it was going to drop an octave. ‘Goodn––’ I cleared my throat. ‘Goodnight, Alex.’
I went back into the living room, and wandered over to the window, looking out into the blackness. What was wrong with me? I was losing all ability to act like a rational human being.
I let out a sigh.
It was a rhetorical question. I already knew the answer.
ALEX
I stood at the window looking out into the darkness of Risk Estate, turning over the events of the past few hours.
Standing in the kitchen, facing Oliver. The way I felt he could read me. Better than I could read myself.
And then the hallway. Both of us standing there in the half-dark, not knowing what to say.
But most of all I thought of Noah. Scared he would be left on his own.
I could relate to that. Could understand. Could feel his anxiety in my bones. Because that had been me once upon a time.
I hadn’t been enough to make my dad stay. Hadn’t been enough to make him want contact.
How could I miss something I’d never had?
And then losing Mum. My biggest fear, being left in life without her, had come true.
I hadn’t been able to change that either.
All I had was the Army. And then I didn’t even have that.
It had been taken from me in the most brutal, deliberate way possible.
The tide of emotions I usually kept at bay crept closer, and I was King Canute, powerless against it.
I moved away from the window. My heart was beating fast, my palms damp. I paced the room. It felt small. Constrictive. Airless.
I shook my head, trying to keep a lid on my emotions. Stay calm. Breathe. I forced myself to sit on the edge of the bed and gripped the mattress with both hands. My leg jiggled involuntarily.
I stood up again.
Breathe. In for the count of four. Hold for the count of four. Out for the count of four.
I felt my heart begin to slow. My pulse settling. That was it. I had this.
I closed my eyes. Stood still. Conscious of every part of my body. Mind over matter.
Better. Much better.
I opened my eyes. I was here. I was safe. No one knew I was here. But for the first time in a long time, I had this feeling of being alone. I thought of Noah, of how easily I’d been able to comfort him, and how there was no one to do the same for me.
A soft shaft of light seeped under my door, and I heard the sound of movement in the living room. Oliver.
I didn’t let myself think about it. Didn’t want to analyse it. I just opened the door and walked down the hallway.
Oliver was standing at the window in just his PJ trousers, his back to me.
He didn’t turn around, but I saw the moment he sensed me. That stillness of his body.
‘I couldn’t sleep,’ I said in almost a whisper.
A pause.
He turned around and met my gaze. He didn’t ask questions. Didn’t say a word.
I knew, even as I crossed the room, what I was asking for. I knew, and I went anyway.
I stopped in front of him.
He put his arms around me and drew me into him.
I let him. And that was the thing that undid me. How easy it was. How completely, terrifyingly safe I felt with my face against his chest and his arms around me.
I could feel the steady beat of his heart under my cheek. I closed my eyes and for a moment, just a moment, I stopped fighting it. Stopped managing the distance between what I wanted and what I allowed myself to have.
He didn’t speak. Neither did I. He just held me, and I let myself be held, and for a while, that was everything.
And then the fear came. Not the old fear. Not the kind that made me want to run. This was something different. Something more dangerous. I was frightened of this. Of how right it felt. Of how much I wanted to stay exactly where I was.
I pulled back. Just slightly. Just enough.
He let me go without question. Without making me explain. And that, somehow, made it worse.