Chapter Thirty-Three
“ Y ou look like fucking shit.”
The sound of Max’s voice didn't bring the comfort it usually did as it appeared from the doorway of her office. Sienna had been avoiding them, making up pathetic excuses as to why she was busy, hoping that Max would just assume she was with Debs. The irony of relying on Debs as a distraction for their best friend’s questioning nature had not gone unnoticed by Sienna, and with every witty, teasing remark Max sent back, it caused another pang of pain to shoot through her. But Sienna didn’t have the strength to tell Max what had happened. Because admitting it to Max willingly, rather than having it forcefully dragged out of her, was too close to admitting she had messed everything up, and that was something she wasn’t prepared or able to admit just yet.
But she knew that moment would come, that Max would get tired of being ignored and pushed to one side and would seek her out. Even when that moment came, she hoped that she would be able to feign a little normalcy, appear slightly more put together and far less distraught than she was actually feeling. However, it seemed that that wasn’t the case.
“What the fuck? Are you sick? Or did you two spend all weekend having so much sex you forgot to sleep? Although if that was the case, I’d expect a more glowy, fucked-out aura to you rather than this.” Max waved a hand in Sienna’s general direction, too busy in their speech to actually have taken a look at her yet. If they had, they would see that there was no way her exhaustion could be put down to anything good.
“I’m not sick. And I’ve not been having any sex,” Sienna mumbled, rubbing her forehead where the lingering headache that had plagued her for the past five days was still residing.
“Yeah, I’m sure you haven’t. You go off radar for days and expect me to believe that. The only other thing which could cause you to go silent is if you had—” Max stopped, and without even turning her gaze in their direction, Sienna knew they were looking at her. She waited, and then… “Oh, shit.”
“Max…”
“Tell me you’re joking.”
“Max, I’m at work and haven’t slept properly in like five days. Can we do this later?”
“No.”
Sienna turned to Max, greeted with the resolute look of a person who was in no way about to back down.
“I don’t know what you’re expecting me to say.”
“How about telling me what happened? Last week, you were happy with each other, all gooey eyes and coy looks. Then I get radio silence for days, and when I next see you… quite frankly, you look fucking awful.”
“Thanks,” Sienna said with a scoff. Sometimes, Max’s honesty could be refreshing and exactly the thing she needed to kick her out of her mood. Today, however, it was harsh, and she wasn’t sure she had the strength to deflect it. Everything still stung, was raw like a freshly picked scab still open to the elements, and the smallest knock could cause it to start bleeding, ebbing away with her rapidly depleting energy and strength. She felt like the smallest breeze could topple her over. She’d been doing her best to hold herself together, but it was tenuous at best, and she had relied on days finding excuses to be locked away in the office and nights being left alone to sob and cry into the emptiness of her bedroom. She wasn’t ready to be faced with the stark reality of her situation. Wasn’t ready to be questioned and interrogated about what happened, to try and explain it all.
Not when a large chunk of that was the responsibility of Penny and her words.
“How long?” Max asked, and Sienna’s sleep-deprived brain took a little too long to decipher what Max was asking.
“What?”
“How long since this happened? Did you see her at all this weekend, or was it just a lie to get me to leave you alone?”
“If you’re about to rip into me about how long I’ve been like this just because I didn’t call you, I don’t have the energy, and you can just piss off.”
“Oh, no. You don’t get to do this, Sienna,” Max threw back. “You don’t get to be a first-class bitch to me in the hope that I’ll get sick of you and not have this conversation. You don’t get to do that. We don’t do that.”
“What if I just don’t want to talk about it?” Sienna whispered harshly, still painfully aware that this conversation was happening in her office. It was quiet outside, the mid-afternoon lull before the centre would fill up with after-school activities.
Max stared at her for a second before turning around. For a moment, Sienna thought that maybe Max was going to heed her words, was going to walk away and leave her alone, but any hope sunk as she watched them close the door to her office, affording them the privacy to talk.
“You never want to talk about it, Sienna. You never want to talk about anything which is troubling you because of this fucking ridiculous idea that your mother has drilled into your head for so many years that your problems weren’t worth listening to.”
The fleeting mention of Penny was enough to widen the precarious crack in her shield, and she could feel her throat tighten with emotion. She blinked rapidly, trying to hold it all at bay, ducking her head in the vain hope that Max wouldn’t see her reaction.
“I’m telling you, Sienna. Your problems matter. You matter, and I am asking because I want you to talk about it. Because I refuse to believe that it can be anything as bad as what you’re imagining, considering how happy you have been these past few weeks.”
“Well, maybe that’s just the universe having a cruel joke at my expense!” Sienna spat back, pushing to her feet. “You know, I told you that this would happen. I knew that something would happen, that I would fuck it all up in the end. And you, you told me that it would be worth it. I let myself believe you”—Sienna jabbed a finger into Max’s chest—“and this is what I get for it.”
“How can I tell you that you’re right when you won’t even tell me what’s happened?”
“I happened, Max! I fuck up time and time again, and this time I did it and pushed away the best thing I’ve had in ages.”
The sound of the phone vibrating across the table broke the tense atmosphere, and for a moment, Sienna just stared at Max. With a frustrated grunt, Sienna broke her gaze away from Max, swiping the offending phone and silencing it.
“I’ve got to go set up for a session tonight,” she said, shoving the phone in her back pocket.
“Who was that? Was that her?”
“No. It was an alarm to tell me that it’s time for me to set up the session for tonight,” Sienna bit out, feeling like she was repeating herself even though she had only given Max half the information before. Even that hurt—another reminder of Debs. After one too many times of her getting so engrossed in whatever she was doing, Debs had suggested she set alarms for anything that involved her being in a different place. Another way to fucking manage me , she thought spitefully, immediately berating herself for it when she realised what she was doing. It wasn’t Debs’ fault she just wanted to help, wasn’t Debs’ fault she recognised how Sienna sometimes struggled and wanted to offer advice. It was Sienna’s fault for being so useless in the first place and needing someone to arrange her life for her.
She pushed past Max and pulled the door to the office open, effectively ready to end this conversation for good when she was stopped by Max’s hand on her wrist.
“We’ve not finished talking about this, Sienna.”
And as much as Sienna wished that the opposite was true, she knew that her best friend was right. She would need to talk about at least some of this. She just wasn’t sure she’d ever be ready.
Sienna pushed the door of the shop open, finding Max at the potting bench that ran along one wall. She watched as they delicately placed an aloe plant into a ceramic planter, pushing it down on the root ball before covering it up with soil. They brushed their hands down the front of their overalls, spinning on their stool to face Sienna, not saying a word.
“I brought the gin,” Sienna said, holding up the bottle in her hand. “And an apology.”
“Took you long enough,” they replied with a soft smile. “Go up. I’ll just lock up and be with you in a minute.”
Sienna weaved through the shop to the staircase at the back, dropping her bag on the floor by the door and kicking her shoes off. She was beyond grateful for this aspect of their friendship; they could be cutting and passionate with each other with their words yet always have the safety of being able to come back to each other. Sienna, on more than one occasion, had wondered if one of these times she would push too far, that it would be too much, and she felt it today as she walked through the city to Max’s shop, her grip on the bottle in her hand deathly tight. But Max’s gentle, forgiving smile and the invitation to resume normal service of gin and pizza for the evening quelled her fears, and the exhaustion that she had felt seeping into her very bones over the past week seemed to hit her full force.
“Have you ordered the pizza?” Max asked as they came in, shutting and locking the door behind them.
“Not yet. Want me to do it while you pour the drinks?”
“Sure. Then you can give me that apology you talked about.”
Sienna smiled. Max would be there for her, always keeping her in line, no matter what happened.
“Yeah, well. I was a bitch to you, and I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have blown up at you like that.”
It may not have seemed like much to anyone else hearing it, but between Sienna and Max, it was all that was needed. Sienna had learnt that simple was best when it came to Max; they didn’t need grovelling words or actions, just honest and sincere, and Max had told her before that they knew when Sienna was being sincere. It was the way their friendship worked, and Sienna was thankful for it, unsure if she had the energy in her for much more tonight.
“Apology accepted. Yes, you were a bitch. I’m not sure I’ve seen you that angry in quite a while.”
“Yeah, well, I guess blowing up at your girlfriend and kicking her out of your flat will do that to a girl.” Sienna dropped onto the sofa, her body screaming with exhaustion after days of not being able to sleep with the constant replay of events in her head.
“You kicked her out? What the fuck, Sienna?”
“Yep. Told you I fucked it up.”
Max sat down beside her, handing her a glass. Sienna took a large mouthful, nearly choking on the burn of the alcohol.
“Yeah, I made it a double; you look like you need it. Start from the beginning.”
“She came around, and I just blew up at her. I was already in a bad mood, and she was trying to control me, and I just lost it.” Sienna sighed. “But she’d just come straight from work and had a rough day as well, and we were just both…”
“What do you mean she was trying to control you?”
“Control isn’t the right word… Manage? I don’t know. It’s stupid, really. She just said that she couldn’t fix the problem if I didn’t talk to her.”
“That doesn’t sound like control or management. That sounds like she was just trying to help, and maybe there was some sort of miscommunication. And she has a valid point. What was the problem?”
Sienna looked down at her fingers, anxiously tapping the side of the glass. If they weren’t filled with something right now, she knew she’d be picking at her nails, even though they were already red-raw and sore from days of nervous biting, the small sting of pain enough to distract her from her thoughts for just a second. “What problem needed fixing, Sienna?”
“I was already upset when she arrived,” Sienna said quietly.
“Why? What happened?”
“Mum had been round.”
Sienna felt the subtle shift of Max’s body beside her as they tensed. “What did she have to say this time? And don’t give me the usual bullshit. If you were that upset, then it must have been something more.”
“She found out that I was going back to university. And told me it was a bad idea.” Sienna could feel the tears pool across her eyelashes at the memory. “And she just was in my head again, telling me I was worthless, and I couldn’t get her out. So when Debs tried to fix it for me, I just saw red. I didn’t want her to fix it because I’m just not worth fixing.”
“Oh. Oh, that’s not true, Sienna. And I’m sure if you were to explain that to Debs, she would understand. Why don’t you just call her and sort all this out?”
“Because I kicked her out, Max! She’s an adult with a proper job and her head screwed on her shoulders, and I’m just like a pathetic kid, which she has two of already. It’s not like she needs another.”
“I’m sure that’s not how she feels about you. Have you heard from her at all?”
“Yes. She tried to ring me a few times and has messaged me.”
“And? Let me guess, you’ve been ignoring them?”
“What’s the point of replying when I know exactly what she’s going to say?”
“And what’s that exactly? Because if she was going to break up with you, I’m fairly sure she wouldn’t have spent time trying to get in touch.”
“Is this what you’re going to do all evening? Just tell me what an idiot I’ve been? Because I know, Max. I fucking know!”
“Okay, okay. I’m sorry,” Max said, palms out in a calming manner. “I know you feel like you’ve ruined everything right now. And you’re angry and upset and scared. But I’m here, Sienna. I’m here just like I always have been, and you can shout and scream at me all you want. Or you can cry and just let it all out that way. Whatever you need right now, I’m here.”
Whatever you need right now.
Despite it being Max saying those words, words Sienna needed to hear, they didn’t have the effect they should have. Instead of bringing her calm, instead of getting her to think rationally and break everything down into the steps she needed to be able to work through the jumble of emotions in her heart and mind, it just made her remember those words that were uttered all those months ago when she first discovered just who Debs Brannigan was.
What do you need?
It was as if her chest had split open, ripped apart at the sternum, the torrent of pain she had been feeling and so desperately trying to ignore by shifting blame and trying to find reasons for why this would be the best thing rushing out of her in a tidal wave. Huge, wracking sobs overtook her, her body shaking as the weight of everything finally hit.
I need her.