Chapter Thirty-Nine
“ W hat was she like?” Debs asked.
After a silent car journey home and fifteen minutes of Sienna anxiously picking at her nails while staring at her feet, Debs knew she had to be the one to start this conversation. She knew how difficult it could be to talk about a loved one who had passed, and considering she knew very little about Cerys’ story, she didn’t know how fresh the wound was for Sienna. She had her suspicions from piecing together other things she knew; she had a strong feeling that Sienna dropping out of university was connected somehow, but until she knew more details, she was determined to tread carefully. She had been surprised that Sienna had acquiesced so easily in the first place when she gave her the offer to talk, and now, with her resembling an injured animal who was about to bolt, she didn’t want to scare her away.
Besides, she also figured that Sienna needed to do this more than she did.
“She was,” Debs placed a hand over Sienna’s, stopping the frantic pulling at the skin on her fingers. “She was amazing. She was three years older than me and just like my idol. She was clever—like, really clever—and school was easy for her. She was at uni studying to become a nurse. But she was popular too. Everyone loved her.” Debs watched as she smiled, and she wondered with the ease at which Sienna was speaking, the way the words were tumbling out of her, when the last time she had done so. “She was just sweet and kind and had time for everyone. She didn’t even mind her annoying little sister hanging around with her.”
“I’m not sure that’s entirely true.” Debs smiled when Sienna looked at her with a confused frown. “Charlie mentioned the whole reason you two were talking about her was because he was complaining about how annoying Thea could be sometimes.”
Sienna laughed, wiping her hand across her face. “Yeah, she annoyed me, and I’m sure I must have annoyed her at some point, but it was never more than just the usual sibling stuff, you know? She never really made me feel like a burden or that she didn’t want me around.”
“What did she look like?”
“Oh, she looked a lot like my dad. Lighter hair than me, almost blonde, and just like Dad, she could eat anything and still be like a twig. We had the same eyes, though, people used to say, but I think hers were prettier than mine.”
“I doubt that. I love your eyes.” Debs brushed a hand over the side of Sienna’s face, tucking the hair behind her ear. “Maybe you could show me a picture one day?”
Sienna nodded, before looking away and taking a breath, her shoulders rising up with the depth of it, as if it was from the very bottom of her soul, and Debs anticipated what was coming next.
“She was at uni one day, in her third year. It was November, and it had been raining for days. She was walking down the stairs to a lecture, and they were wet because of the rain. She slipped and fell. Her friends tried to get her to go to the doctor, but she said she was fine. Her housemates said she was complaining of a headache later on and that she went to bed to try and sleep it off. She just…never woke up.”
“Oh, baby…”
“I didn’t get it. For so long, I just didn’t get it. How could she just go to sleep with a headache and not wake up? I was eighteen, and my sister was just gone!”
Debs watched on as Sienna fell forward, screaming into the room with bone-shaking, soul-crushing cries. Without even thinking, she wrapped her arms around her shoulders, pulling the younger woman into her chest and rocking her gently. She could feel her tremble uncontrollably in her grip, feel the phantom sting as she cried her throat sore. How could someone understand that? She had spent so long after her parents’ death not comprehending what had happened, both her mother and father taken away together in that fateful car accident, but she had always known she was lucky for what she had surrounding her at that time. Her uncle and extended family had rallied around Debs and her brother, never allowing them for a second to feel abandoned, almost treating them as one of their own while remaining respectful of their loss. And having her younger brother to look out for, having a purpose in those early days of caring for him and being what he needed, had given her the focus she needed to be strong. Had Sienna had that? Had Sienna had someone who would hold her and tell her it was okay to cry? That it couldn’t ever be understood but only one day accepted? The way she was behaving now, the raw and shining pain in each of her cries, made her think that this was all still new and unknown for her, that really she was still in the early days of her grief and mourning even though eight years had passed.
I can be that person for her now.
Sienna blinked her eyes open, head groggy and thick with confusion. Each laboured blink stung and scratched against her eyes, and despite not knowing where she was in the moment, mind still clouded with the much-needed slumber she had managed to get, she couldn’t escape the warm sense of comfort that enveloped her. She shuffled, burrowing her face into the warmth below her, closing her eyes to try and chase some more of the sleep she seemed to have been able to find.
Until gentle fingers scratched along her scalp in a familiar rhythm, and a featherlight kiss was pressed against her forehead.
“Hey, beautiful.”
She tensed at the gesture, and it was then as she flexed her hand did she realise it was bunched around the soft fabric of someone’s shirt, but before she could pull away, the arm which was wrapped around her shoulder tightened, keeping her in place.
“It’s okay; there’s no need to panic.”
“I fell asleep?” Sienna questioned, not knowing what else to say to Debs at the moment. While she could easily get lost in being held in her embrace again, a larger part of her knew that things had not been resolved. She felt as if taking comfort from Debs while everything was still so uncertain was traitorous, and she was taking advantage of everything she had offered.
“Yeah, I think you were fairly exhausted before, and the conversation we had was the breaking point. It’s okay, though. I didn’t mind.”
“What time is it?”
Debs lifted the arm not still firmly around Sienna and showed her watch. “Nearly seven.”
Sienna jolted at the hour. “Shit! Where are the kids?”
“They’re fine. I texted James and asked if he could have them an extra night,” Debs explained calmly, pulling her back into her body gently. “Come lay back down.”
“Debs, you can’t just change the kids’ plans because I had a stupid emotional moment,” Sienna grumbled, shuffling as the embarrassment of what had happened started to sink in. She couldn’t remember ever crying like that before, like there was just no end to the tears, like there was a knife stabbing through her heart with each sob. Not even when her father had first delivered the devastating news that her sister had died in her sleep had she cried this much, shock and disbelief evaporating all her tears.
She knew she hadn’t cried then because the cruel and cold words her mother had spat at months later still rang in her head.
Don’t you even care? I haven’t even seen you cry for her!
The truth was that Sienna cared more than Penny could ever imagine. Cerys had been more than her big sister; she’d been her protector and cheerleader, the one who always told her that she was capable of doing anything. That it didn’t matter she wasn’t as good at some things that Cerys was because everyone had their own strengths. It was Cerys who supported her when she first wanted to go to university, Cerys who told her everything would be okay. Cerys, who, despite studying herself and no longer living at home, took time to help Sienna revise and study for her exams.
There was a gaping hole left in Sienna’s life where her sister used to reside. It wasn’t that she didn’t care. She just couldn’t understand it.
“I wish you wouldn’t invalidate your feelings. Grief is harsh, and there’s no right or wrong way to feel it.”
“You said that before,” Sienna grumbled.
“And I will keep saying it until you believe me. My children won’t mind; they get an extra night with their dad, and I get to be here for you.”
“I’m not used to that.”
“I know.” Sienna could hear the smile in Debs’ voice. “What do you need right now? We can get something to eat or talk or just lay here? Whatever you need.”
What do you need right now?
Sienna had been missing those words, that simple yet undeniably powerful statement Debs uttered with such ease, which filled her with such a sense of belonging and validity. No one had ever made her feel seen and loved in the way that Debs had, and while she knew that she had missed it, she didn’t comprehend quite how much it had left a scar in her life until she had said it again just now.
“I need to tell you the rest.” Sienna could hear the uncertainty in her own words, the way her voice shook and broke with the mere thought of telling Debs more.
“Are you sure? It’s been a long day, and you’ve already talked a lot. There’s no pressure from me to—”
“I know. You’ve… I’ve never felt pressured by you at all. And I’m sorry that I accused you of trying to fix me. I know that wasn’t what you were trying to do; I was just so angry, and she was in my head.”
Those long, delicate fingers started up again through her hair, providing a soothing pattern to calm Sienna’s heart as she felt the familiar sense of self-loathing and rage boil up within her. Once again, Debs knew the perfect thing to do to quell her fears, temper her mood, bring her back down to solid ground.
“Who was in your head, baby?”
“My mother.” Sienna’s fingers started to twist in the fabric of Debs’ shirt where they still lay. “Cerys was always her favourite. Mum and Dad had tried for a few years after they got married to get pregnant, and when Cerys came along, I think they saw her as some kind of miracle. She was perfect, couldn’t do anything wrong. And then I came along and…you’d think having a second child after believing you might not have any would be another blessing, but not for her. Everything I did was judged against Cerys. My grades weren’t as good, I didn’t make friends as easily, I made the wrong choices. Cerys never let me believe it or at least tried to tell me it wasn’t true, but to my mum, Cerys was perfect, and I would never be as good. She didn’t ever say it outright, but I always felt it, just always some small sense of disappointment for just being me. It felt like no matter what I did, she was never quite as proud of me as Cerys.”
“Having more than one child is difficult. Especially when number two comes along. All this time you had to dedicate to one little person has to be split, and there’s not enough of it anyway. You want to make sure no one feels left out, but once they start growing and showing their individual personalities… it can be hard. Especially if they are different.”
Sienna smiled. It was sad, yet she understood what Debs was trying to do. She had never had any qualms about how good of a parent Debs was to Charlie and Thea. She could see that from the first moment she had met them, the way she gave them space to enjoy the things that interested them, gave them the time with others without feeling disregarded. How she had built them a family, a support network, a whole group of people who loved and cared for them and would be there no matter what. She also heard the unspoken fear in Debs’ words.
“You do an amazing job with Charlie and Thea. You shouldn’t worry.”
The gentle kiss she felt pressed into her hair was given as a silent thank you. “I went to the same uni as Cerys, you know? The first time. After she died, I couldn’t walk back in that building without seeing her everywhere. I started doubting everything. And I couldn’t…so I quit. Three months later, I just decided to not go back.”
“Oh, sweetheart.”
“And Mum couldn’t understand why. She thought I was just wasting my chance, that it was just like everything else where I just realised I wasn’t good enough. And all it did was make all the subtle, sneaky looks and remarks come out with force.”
Remarkably, Sienna thought, there was very little emotion when it came to telling Debs about Penny’s behaviour. Her mothers actions very rarely caused her to cry, not outright. It was the spiral which they sent Sienna down which did the real damage, the constant replay in her mind of how she was a disappointment, the way her own insecurities twisted and distorted the words into something more.
“Ever since then, it’s like I’ve never been enough. She makes me feel like I’m not grateful, that she has no real interest in me, that I’ll never do anything that will gain her approval. Like, the wrong one of us is left behind.”
The atmosphere rang with that final statement, weighing heavy in the air. Sienna knew she was always second everything—second born, second to be considered, second to be appreciated. She was the second choice her mother had been left with, and there was never anything she could do to change that. She heard Debs sniff, felt her chest bob as she swallowed. Was Debs crying? She wasn’t worth Debs’ tears.
“You’re my first choice.”
The statement was said with a conviction which Sienna had come to recognise from Debs, and yet it didn’t prepare her for the force of its impact. No one had ever made her their first choice, and a huge part of that was down to the fact that she had never let herself get close enough to anyone to allow it. She didn’t believe she could be, and if she kept her distance then it would save everyone involved the humiliation when they realised it.
“I wish I could say something more right now. Tell you that you’re worth it and nothing like your mother has made you believe. But I also know that it could sound like hollow platitudes. That and I’m really fucking angry at your mother, and I might say something I regret.”
Sienna laughed, pushing up on her elbows to see Debs’ face. Tears streaked down it, her eyes red, makeup smudged but to Sienna, she was still beautiful.
“If I thought it would make any difference, I would introduce you and tell you you were free to say what you liked. Honestly, I’m just so tired of hearing it, and I really thought things were getting better. That I was getting better at ignoring it and not letting it bother me. And then…”
“What? Is this what happened the other week?” Debs asked, running a strand of Sienna's hair through her fingers. Sienna could feel those piercing blue eyes scrutinise her, looking as if she could save Sienna from voicing the answer if she could just work it out for herself.
“Dinner the other week was full of the usual things. Her talking non-stop about people in her fucking book club who all have children who are more successful in life. Belittling my job, disregarding my work. Afterwards, my dad and I were talking and… Well, he asked about you. Or if I was seeing anyone. I don’t tell him anything because I know that it will eventually get back to my mum. So I made an excuse and left. He tried to tell me that if she knew I was happy, maybe things would be different, but they wouldn’t. The whole situation just…wormed its way into my head like it always does when this happens.”
“That’s why you’d been off before? I could tell something was bothering you; I just thought if I gave you space, then you’d tell me what it was. Maybe if I had asked outright, not let it fester—”
“It likely wouldn’t have made any difference, babe. When I get into that headspace, it’s just a matter of time until it explodes. I never wanted it to be at you, though. To say the things I said to you…”
Debs leaned forward, the soft caress of her lips barely there as they brushed against her forehead, a silent apology when one was still not needed. She felt guilty that Debs felt this was her fault, that she could have done something more, but yet, something still felt right. Unlike the usual barrage of negative and self-loathing thoughts that came with the guilt, there was a sense of peace. As if finally speaking it all out loud was soothing the turmoil within. Sienna couldn’t help the timid smile that broke on her face as Debs pushed their foreheads together, just breathing in and existing in the same space.
“She came around that day we fought. A million of the usual comments flew out of her. And then she saw my acceptance letter. The one you framed for me. She told me it was ridiculous that I was even considering it, that I’m wasting my life, and I have no one else to blame but myself. And then you came around—”
“I started ranting about my shitty day and then told you I could fix you.”
The hand that cradled Sienna’s face flexed momentarily—she guessed at Debs’ own frustration at her actions—before relaxing, Debs’ thumb resuming the soothing, repetitive motion across her cheek.
“I really am sorry about how I spoke to you and for throwing you out. All I could think about was how you’d be better off without me, how I just wasn’t worth all the time and effort you put into making sure that I’m okay. I felt like a lost cause, and sooner or later, you’ll realise that and leave anyway.”
“I’m sorry, too,” Debs whispered. “You were right. Sometimes I bring my work attitude home with me, and I forget that you aren’t used to that side of me and don’t know what it’s like to deal with. But Sienna, you are not a lost cause. And if these past two weeks have shown me anything it’s just how much I do want you in my life. Sienna, I love you. I don’t want to lose you again.”
The sharp intake of breath Sienna took at those words almost stung her still-raw throat, and she could feel herself tremble at the magnitude of Debs’ admission.
“You… Babe, I—”
“No. No, don’t say it back. Not right now. Because if you say it, I want you to do so because you mean it. Not because you think it’s what you should say in a moment. And if you’re not there yet, that’s fine too. I just wanted you to know that someone loves you, Sienna. That I love you.”
Sienna tucked her face into the crook of Debs’ neck, breathing in the faded scent of her perfume, the skin across her collarbones brushing against her lips as she tried to steady her racing heart. Today had been a rollercoaster of emotion, years of pent-up grief and frustration pouring out in a tidal wave of tears until she was spent, aching and empty when it finally came to divulging what it was which plagued her for so long, the cause of the constant doubt which had shaped her life. But then, words she never expected to hear, uttered in a tone that was so sincere broke through, and now, after all the fight had left her body, they surrounded her in a cocoon that gave her hope for the first time in eight years. She squeezed her grip tighter around Debs’ waist; if she wasn’t going to say them now, wasn’t going to give the verbal reciprocation to Debs’ declaration, she would find another way to show just how much she cherished this woman who had held her together.
“Stay tonight?” Debs whispered into her ear.
I don’t want to be anywhere else.