Chapter 21
CHAPTER 21
T he doctor had been correct. It wasn’t until twelve hours after they landed that Soraiya and Zak lost their baby. By that time, they were in Sirun hospital and Soraiya had received the best of attention. Physically, it had been straightforward, emotionally, it had been anything but. Soraiya had been able to return home to the palace within days—paler, slimmer, but with her spirit publicly intact and her sadness only displayed in private.
Zak was proud of her. But he was less proud of himself. He hadn’t found a way to show her exactly how much he loved her and wanted her in his life. When she’d broached the subject of annulment again, he simply said ‘no’. He didn’t want one. And she hadn’t pushed it. The sadness was like a physical barrier between them and one he didn’t know how to remove. Everything up till now had been straightforward in his life. Black and white. Like, hate. Work, play. But now he had to deal with a swirling morass of sticky emotions in his head and heart which he had no idea what to do with.
Until one day, weeks after they’d returned to Sirun, he was sitting in his office and he received a video call from his mother. He hadn’t been going to accept it initially but then she passed on some magic words via his assistant which made him indicate that he would. He’d never heard his mother apologize for anything before. His interest was piqued.
“Mother,” he said briskly, checking his watch. “I only have a few minutes.” He’d give her five minutes to communicate the latest drama in her life before he cut her short.
“Darling,” she greeted. “How lovely to see your handsome face again.” She smiled, that beautiful, bewitching smile which appeared to charm everyone in the world except his brother and him. She looked much the same. Beautiful, highly made up, the diamonds at her ears and throat sparkling in the Caribbean sunshine. Because that was where it appeared she was.
“What’s going on?” he asked. “Why the call? Why now?”
She shrugged, as if realizing it was her son she was talking to, and he was immune to flattery. “I’ve been in touch with Soraiya.”
This was news to him, but he wasn’t about to show it. “Of course.”
“She’s a strong woman and will be fine.”
A ripple of anger ran through him, but he was determined not to reveal it. “But that does not negate our loss.”
“Of course not. ”
“But, you are correct,” he conceded, “Soraiya will be fine.” He didn’t intend to discuss his or Soraiya’s feelings with his mother. “Now, mother, perhaps you’ll get to the point and tell me why you called.”
She smiled and leaned in to the camera, her eyes roving over the screen as if scrutinizing his face. He kept it impassive. Just a hint of weakness and she’d detect and exploit it. She sat back with a sigh.
“I told her you wouldn’t be keen.”
He drummed his fingers on his desk. “Told who, what.”
She took a drag on her cigarette. “Soraiya, of course. It was she who suggested we talk.”
Her expression suggested he’d hidden his surprise well. “What about exactly?”
“I asked her the same question.”
“And what,” he said, trying to be patient, ”was her answer?”
“That I should tell you what I told her.”
“And that is?”
His mother was uncharacteristically quiet for a moment, her eyes darting to one side as if her mind was trying to find alternative words. Then, with a resigned expression she turned back to face him.
He decided to help her. That way at least they might get this over and done with quicker. “My assistant said something about an apology.”
She grunted, tapped the ash on her cigarette into a gold saucer and looked back at him again. “Yes, that’s right. I wanted to tell you I’m sorry.”
His wide eyes obviously showed his surprise more than any words.
“Yes, believe it or not, I’m sorry for everything I’ve done.” She sat back with a sigh. “For most of the things I’ve done anyway. I can’t say I’m sorry for making your father’s life hell.” She shrugged and focused back on him. “But I am sorry for taking things I shouldn’t have.”
“You mean for stealing money?”
“I didn’t steal it, Zak. What I did was break my trust—my moral undertaking—to care for it for future generations. Anyway, I want to make amends.”
He didn’t trust his mother, but he’d never heard her speak like this before.
“And how exactly,” he said slowly, “do you intend to do that?”
“How do you think?” she said brusquely. It was somehow reassuring that his mother hadn’t changed completely.
“I don’t know,” he replied testily, “otherwise I wouldn’t have asked.”
She shrugged as if understanding. “I intend to return what I can back to Sirun. It hasn’t brought me happiness, and I was wrong to take it. I know that. I’ve always known that, but it didn’t stop me.”
“And what’s brought about this change of heart?”
“Soraiya.” She waved her hand. “All that selflessness. It pained me.”
He huffed out a laugh. “Of course it did.”
She leaned in close, as if it were important that he should understand what she said next. “No, it pained me because it reminded me of me , a much younger version of me of course, but still me .”
He could see the pain in her eyes as they watered over and he realized he’d never seen her look so genuinely moved before. For the first time since they’d begun the conversation, he believed her.
“And I feel ashamed, Zak. I know I don’t want to live the rest of my life estranged from you and Kadar, and from my grandchildren. I want to come home,” she added quietly.
He sat back, not knowing how to answer her. Should he give her another chance to make amends? Had she really changed so much?
“I’ll have to talk it over with Kadar,” he said. “It’s not a decision I wish to make on my own.”
“Of course. And I’ll call him next and talk to him. But I want you to know something. Even if you don’t want me back in Sirun, I’ll still return what I took. And I will still ask your forgiveness because that’s the most important thing to me. I don’t think I can go on without it.”
“Let’s take it one step at a time, mother,” he said.
“I’ve got to break the cycle, don’t you see? I passed on my own anger and grievances to you, and it turned you into the man you are today.”
He shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “Is that so bad?”
“No. Not totally. But you were such a loving boy, so open, always wanting cuddles.”
He cleared his throat. “I still like cuddles.”
It was her turn to raise her eyebrow. “Not those sort of cuddles. You know what I mean. You’re closed off and wouldn’t know love if it bit you on the?—”
“Okay, okay,” he interrupted. All this talk of cuddles and love was messing with his brain. “But you’re wrong, you know. I do know love.”
“Do you?” she asked, with a quick shake of the head. “I don’t think you do, because otherwise why, when I asked Soraiya if you loved her, did she say that she didn’t know.” She leaned into the camera, again. She seemed intent on getting as close as she could to him. “She needs to know, Zak. You need to tell her, you need to show her, because without love, life is empty.” She sat back and gave a hollow laugh. “I should know. I?—”
“I have to go,” he said, reaching over and finishing the call. He’d cut his mother off mid-sentence, but he didn’t care. He was too shocked to continue. He spun around in his chair, paced across the room, walked outside, and kept walking. He couldn’t sit still. His mind was in a panic. But his feet knew where to take him. Straight to Soraiya.
Soraiya had spent the past hour in her office talking over some internal palace administration with her staff. After they’d gone, she sat in silence for five minutes, enjoying the sense of peace and satisfaction which working in this space gave her. It was her own, and she loved it.
She’d had it furnished and decorated in a feminine, homely style which made her feel even more at ease than she did already. It had given her a project to keep herself busy during those terrible first weeks after losing her baby. She still felt his loss, but managed to hide it most days. Her counsellor had told her that the pain would get easier because she’d learn to live with it. She just wished Zak would agree to talk about their loss. But he refused to. Even with her.
But he was as loving and as tender as ever in bed. At least she was reassured that he wanted her by their physical closeness. He refused to discuss an annulment. He’d told her that she was the only wife he wanted and that was that. She just hoped that in time he’d come to love her as much as she loved him. In the meantime, life was as good as she could possibly hope for.
She reached over and rang the buzzer to call her assistant in. They were going through her diary for the next week when she heard raised voices outside her office and quick footsteps on the marble floor.
Suddenly her door opened and she rose in surprise.
“Zak!” She glanced at her watch. “I wasn’t expecting you yet. Is anything the matter?”
“Yes, it most definitely is,” he said, closing the door behind him.
“Has Sarah had the baby?”
“No. Well, not that I know of.”
“And they’re all well?”
“Yes, yes,” he said dismissively. “Of course they are. That’s not what I’ve come here to say.”
She walked over to him and placed a hand on his shoulder. She didn’t think she’d ever seen him more agitated, less in control.
“Whatever is the matter?” she asked, her brow creasing in concern.
“I’ve been talking with my mother,” he said.
“Ah, so have I. I think she’s changed.”
“So she says.”
“You don’t believe her?”
“I don’t know what to believe anymore.”
“I know it’s come out of the blue.”
“It sure has. I had no idea,” he said.
And she could see he was genuinely shocked. “I’m sure when you consider everything, you’ll see it makes sense.” With Soraiya’s own mother passed away, she’d always hoped that Zak would reconcile with his. Life was too short for feuds in families.
“What do you mean ‘makes sense’?” He looked confused.
She shrugged. “Without forgiveness, there is no love.”
“Then if that’s what’s missing, I ask your forgiveness.”
It was Soraiya’s turn to be confused. “What for?”
“I don’t know,” he said, “but if that’s what’s stopping you from realizing how much I love you, then I’ll ask your forgiveness. Soraiya, look, I’ll say anything that’s required to make you understand what I feel for you.” He muttered an expletive she’d never heard him use before. “You must know I adore the ground you walk on. I’d do anything for you. I expect I probably haven’t said it enough?—”
“Zak! You haven’t said it at all!”
“But,” he continued in a rush, not noticing her interruption, so intent was he to tell her what he wanted to say. “You have to believe me, from the bottom of my heart, whether I say it or not, I always feel it.” He pulled her into his arms. “ Always .” He took hold of her hand and placed it on his heart. “ Here , where you can feel it beating. My heart beats for you, and it always will.” He drew back and searched her face, his own expression wretched with doubt. “You have to believe me, because I don’t know what else I can say to describe how much you mean to me.”
She huffed out a laugh which was full of relief. She could hardly believe what he’d said, and replayed the words in her head as the laughter continued to spill from her lips.
“For pity’s sake, Soraiya, tell me you’re not laughing at my love? Tell me you believe me?”
It was the halting tone of his words, twisted up at the end with an unmistakable, unusual insecurity, which stopped her laughter.
“Zak. I believe you and I’m laughing because if I didn’t, I’d cry.”
He shook his head in confusion, still not reassured. “You’re going to have to spell it out to me, Soraiya.”
“You know I love you. I’ve told you before, but I stopped telling you when I thought you didn’t love me. But my love is still there, as steady as your beating heart.” She withdrew her hand from his chest and put them on his shoulders. “My darling husband, all I’ve ever wanted was your love.”
“And you have it,” he murmured as his lips met hers in a kiss which not only stopped her laughter but also her tears.