Chapter 17 #2
“Come here.” Auggie held her arms out, and her sister tentatively snuggled close. They were nearly the same size now—Auggie had lost about thirty pounds after she was shot—and it was a little awkward, but this was her baby sister, too. “You girls are not burdens. I mean that.”
“But you can’t live your own life taking care of us. Not your whole life. It isn’t fair to you that you even have to. Because of him.”
Auggie swallowed. She didn’t know…it took her a moment to come up with a response. “Sweetie, do you know what I have always wanted most of all? From when I was really little?”
“What?”
“A family. A home of my own. To be with people I love every single day. I have that now. I love you girls. You aren’t burdens. You never will be to me. Taking care of you girls gives my life meaning. We are a family, no matter what.”
“Like it did me? I just wanted to take care of them,” the broken whisper nearly destroyed her.
January had been responsible for taking care of all the girls for years.
Doing the job of both parents, when she was far too young for that to begin with.
And after Maeya had been born, she’d had to care for the baby from the moment the baby’s mother had died from a heart attack.
January had just turned thirteen; juggling school, a newborn, and four other little girls’ needs, while avoiding their abusive father as much as she could.
No child deserved that. “No matter what. But he was so mad at us, all the time. And I was afraid something would happen to them if I left them.”
Auggie remembered that same fear. Leaving Em after they had moved in with their aunt and uncle had been especially hard.
It was very hard to get January to separate from the girls at times, especially the three younger.
Especially…Tobi. Since the abduction. They struggled every day, but they would find their way through.
No matter what. “I know. But you are all safe now. Here. No matter what.”
“I think…if you had a boyfriend, it would be okay. We’d understand.
If he made you happy and was really nice.
I saw you dance with all those men. And I think Aunt Claudia’s brother was trying to dance with you, too.
He would say things to Em and Junie and Claudia about you escaping.
He was really kind of funny. He tried once and when he didn’t get to dance with you, he danced with Jules next to our table. He showed her how to do her feet.”
She’d missed that somehow. But…it was typical Calloway.
“It was nice. He wasn’t very scary at all.”
Auggie hesitated for a moment. The last thing she wanted was for January to view romantic relationships as a threat.
She wanted her sister to have a healthy relationship someday.
To be able to trust a man—or woman, for that matter—with herself.
To be…whole. Confident in who she was, in any relationship.
Even though relationships with men were so incredibly complicated.
And she was working her way through her feelings now.
Maybe, she should start by modeling that. “Calloway Ellis Grady. That man…ugh. He is so confusing right now. I just don’t know what to do about him.”
“He likes you. I heard Junie say something to Aunt Claudia about her brother really liking you now.”
“I think he does. He did not before. But…I think he does now. And he has me very confused. Relationships are like that. When you are trying to figure out what you want, and they are trying to figure out what they want, and if you can both want the same things…and…there are all these other emotions mixed in.”
“Like…nerves and stuff? Do your hands get all sweaty and you feel shaky inside?”
“Yes. That’s a part of it. And…then the guy looks at you and the world just kind of stops.
But love, real love, is more than that, the physical part of things, Jannie.
It’s…” Auggie thought for a moment. About the aunts and uncles she had watched for years.
And the ones they had lost during those years.
“It’s…ultimate trust. And a willingness to put their needs above your own, too.
When you love someone, there isn’t anything you won’t do to protect them.
Be there for them. Help them. Take care of them.
Love between siblings, between friends…between lovers.
Someday, I want you, and the rest of the girls, to find someone that you can give that ultimate trust and get it in return.
I’m not saying someone has to pair off or anything like that.
Romance is not required to live a happy, productive life.
I’m not saying that—people can lead fulfilling, wonderful lives without romantic love—and definitely without marriage.
But…if you find someone to love love—I think it can be a wonderful thing. ”
“I don’t really understand.”
“When I start to doubt love exists, I think of Uncle Bill and Aunt Susan, or Ned and Pam, or Phil and Glenna—Phil and Aunt Becky before she died. Nick and Robin. And the rest of them. Not to mention Sage and Gil, and Phoebe and her sisters and their husbands, Chandler and Linsey, Maggie and Clint, Michael and Jude—pay attention to how they all look at each other sometime. And…watch how they help each other, and support each other. Love—romantic love—it really exists. And can be a beautiful thing.”
January just nodded. But Auggie could still see the confusion on the face that was very much like her own. Of all the girls—January looked like her the most. “Then…don’t you want it for yourself someday?”
Auggie was silent for a moment. “I don’t know…
maybe…someday. If…if I can find a man I can fully trust. With me, with you girls, with Em and Junie.
One thing…from the way I grew up with Bruce…
that I struggle with is the letting go enough to trust someone.
To depend on someone completely. Because I was always the one who had to decide everything, to make the hard decisions.
It’s a habit I have had to learn how to break sometimes. I want a man I can trust. Fully.”
“Like…Claudia’s brother? I think he really likes you. I could tell when he stayed the night here.”
“I am completely confused with that one. And I am going to probably stay that way. He is not what I anticipated or expected.” And there were some things she was not going to discuss with a thirteen-year-old.
No matter what. Then she remembered him tonight, holding Markie so close.
How natural it had seemed for him. How she knew she could have left the girls with him tonight for any reason and he would have made sure they were safe.
“I think…I think I was wrong about him, too. I think…he’s a good man.
Inside that beautiful, man exterior. He is a man who knows how to love. ”
“He loves his sisters and his brother. I can see that. He tries to tell them what to do, like you do us. Like I do the little girls.”
“Yes. That he does. He always has thought that was his job. And for a long time, it almost was. His mom was really sick when Claudia and Clancy and Cloe were younger. Cal stepped up. Helped take care of all of them, even though he was a grown man at the time. He was there for his family when they needed him. He’d walk over fire to get to one of his sisters or Cadell if they needed him.
He just gets under my skin, Jan. He just gets under my skin. ”
She had forgotten that. After the day he tried to buy the ranch. She’d been so angry with him then—but she had known Calloway her entire life, it seemed. And he had always been there for the ones he loved. Always.
She’d seen that for herself time and time again. She’d just forgotten the kind of man he was, hadn’t she?
“I think,” Jan said, sitting up. “I think it’s because this is scary. Boys are scary. You never know what to say with them, and they can change everything.”
“Truer words have never been spoken.” Auggie hugged her sister. “Thanks for talking with me tonight. You’ve helped me figure out a few things.”
“Like what?”
“Like no matter what happens between me and Cal—I know one thing is true. I can trust him with you girls, and with Em and Junie, too. No matter what. He would never hurt any of you. There is nothing that matters more. I trust him with the ones I love most.”
She thought about that after January left for her own room up the hall.
She trusted Cal with who she loved most.
And there was real power in that.
She just didn’t know what to do with that knowledge now.