Chapter 35
Spencer
I ’ve never done anything like this before in my life.
Fist raised, ready to knock, I nearly turn around, fleeing from Lennox’s porch. I’ve heard girls do this: drop in on each other when they’re in need, no apologies, just blind faith in the fierce bond that is sisterhood. I’ve just never had this before.
For five years my life has been filled with duties and obligations.
Taking care of Charlie is what drove me.
Work, school, and my sister are all I made time for, so while all my peers were bonding and developing lifelong friendships, I made peace with being alone.
Even when I met Jesse, I felt alone. Actually, I think that’s why I dated him for so long, and agreed to marry him.
He didn’t really see me. I was more of a consistent prop in his life.
He didn’t pay too much attention. He didn’t want too much of me.
Nathan’s his antithesis. The way he looked at me in the elevator last weekend set me on fire. All I could think about is how bad it would hurt if Nathan saw too much of me, and what if he woke up from whatever spell he’s under. What if he saw me for what I am, and laughed?
I’m not crazy enough to think my boss would point and sneer like a grade-school bully.
I’m waiting for him to see how mismatched we are.
He’s disgustingly rich, I live paycheck to paycheck.
He’s sexy, dripping with swagger. I’m constantly tripping over my feet.
Nathan is built of bone and thick muscle, and I’m as soft as the Pillsbury Doughboy.
I can’t fathom what he sees in me. I don’t know why he looks at me like I’m his sweet escape.
It doesn’t make sense, the same way it didn’t make sense when the senior starting quarterback set his eyes on the nobody freshman.
I ran from Nathan because I was scared and that’s what I do…
But I don’t want to run away from my insecurities anymore, which is why I’m here. Sucking in a breath and holding it, I knock firmly on Lennox’s door.
She answers and lights up, a surprised smile on her face until she sees the bag of Chinese food I’m holding. “Are you DoorDashing on the side?”
“No. Did you order DoorDash?” Shit. I didn’t think of that. It’s seven o’clock on a Friday night. I was just worried she wouldn’t be home.
“We should’ve. Avery was supposed to make dinner.” She raises her voice. “But three different types of dip isn’t dinner,” she calls over her shoulder.
Avery shouts something back I can’t make out.
“Oh, I didn’t mean to interrupt. Your husbands are here too?”
“Yes, funny thing about husbands—once you marry them, they’re constantly around. Avery and I were just talking about how we need—” Stopping short, her features contort. She holds her belly, clamping just underneath her belly button.
“Oh my God. Are you okay?” In my panic, I drop the bag of Chinese food. “Is it time? Hospital?”
She exhales. “This kid has to cook for at least four more months. He’s just trying to expand his real estate by rearranging my organs.” Lennox flashes me a smirk as she points to the bag on the ground. “You may come in if there’s lo mein in there.”
“Yes,” I giggle. “Two kinds.”
“I’m kidding. You and Charlie are always welcome in my home. Where is she anyway? You guys are always attached at the hip.”
“Birthday-party sleepover.” In a show of solidarity, Claire refused to go to the birthday party that she got invited to but Charlie didn’t.
Miraculously, Charlie got her invitation the day after Claire declined.
I am forever grateful to that little girl for being an angel when she should be in her brat era.
“Are you okay, hon?”
My turn to blow out a sigh. “I see you like a big sister, if that’s not too much to dump on you. I always wish I had someone to be to me what I am to Charlie.”
“Yeah, I get that. I’m an only child. I totally understand. You can talk to me about anything.”
“Good, thanks.” I bring in the food. “I’m here because I need to talk about sex.”
I’m seated in a sofa chair as Avery and Lennox sit next to each other in the sectional, unsubtly nudging each other with their knees. They don’t know who should talk next.
For the past thirty minutes, I’ve poured my heart out, explaining in great detail my awful introduction to sex at UNLV.
I ran them through my awkward intimacy-scarce relationship with my ex-fiancé.
Finally, I told them about Nathan, soup to nuts.
The less-than-stellar start to our working relationship, our first sleepover, moving in, Casey showing up, all the way to my meltdown in the elevator when Nathan tried to go down on me.
Then how I lied through my teeth telling him I wanted to just be friends.
I break the ice for them. “Do you think it’s hopeless? Because he’s been cold-shouldering me all week.”
“How so?” Lennox prompts.
I glance through the window to Finn and Dex outside on the patio, buried deep in the Chinese food I brought. Lennox threatened lives if they finished off the pork lo mein, but in an attempt to evade the awkward “girl talk,” they cloistered themselves outside with dinner and a six-pack of beer.
“He gave me the whole week off while he’s out of town.
I texted him and asked him how his flight was.
All he said was ‘fine,’ then he warned me that IT was coming in to upgrade my laptop to a desktop computer later this week so I can have two screens.
I haven’t heard from him since. Do you think he’s punishing me for rejecting him? ”
Avery’s mouth twists. “Babes, you told him verbatim you wanted a professional relationship. I don’t think he’s punishing you. He’s respecting what you said.”
I bite into my cheek. “I didn’t mean it though. I really didn’t. I care about him and I feel awful. After everything he shared about Elise, and how hard he’s trying to work through everything to be with me, and I”—I groan in anguish—“I fucked it up so bad.”
“Maybe a big romantic gesture?” Lennox asks. “I think I can get my hands on a jet that writes messages in the sky.”
“Okay, Richie Rich.” Avery scowls at her. “No. Something more sentimental. What’s something Nathan really cares about?”
Good question . All Nate does is work. He doesn’t like to drive. He swims for exercise. He cares about Charlie and her singing. “Oh! He likes piano.”
“Maybe a little piano keychain or a music box that plays his favorite song?”
“Aw, that’s sweet,” Lennox adds.
“ No. Jesus, stop ,” Dex gripes loudly.
We all whip our gaze through the large glass patio doors, surprised we could hear Dex’s outburst. Finn’s wearing a look of exasperation to match Dex’s. They’re both staring at us now.
“How are you eavesdropping?” Lennox asks.
“Windows are open, Len, and you’re talking really loudly,” Finn says. “We’d have to drive down the block to not hear your conversation.”
They seriously could not . Oh my God. I’ve been chattering away like a monkey about every single one of my girl problems. Oh, fuck.
I just accidentally overshared about my awful sex life with Jesse.
I specifically likened him to a lazy gecko when he’d go down on me.
I cover my eyes, convinced I’m going to die of humiliation.
Yeah, that sounds about right. I was always destined for death by embarrassment.
Within seconds, they’re piling in through the back door and join us in the living room. Finn sits and wraps his arm around Avery’s shoulder, pulling her backward with him as he settles into the sofa-sectional.
Dex joins Lennox on the other side, with a small plate of food. “Here.” He kisses her temple. “Feed my baby while you let the boys fix this.” He says to me, “Please don’t buy Nathan a piano music box. That’s not how dudes’ brains work.”
Finn taps his nose twice and points to Dex in agreement. “Don’t buy him anything. That’s not what he wants. Nate and I have been buddies for a long time.”
“You have?”
“Since college. We mostly lost touch after Elise died.”
Avery runs her fingers affectionately through Finn’s hair. “Who is Elise?”
“His assistant for years,” Finn says. “Her ex was a dirty cop who beat her up for sport. It was so fucked up. Working for Nathan was her first real job because Peter wouldn’t let her work.
He didn’t like her going out after he’d mark up her face.
Nathan got caught in the middle. Even after she divorced Peter, he was still harassing her, so Nathan moved her and her daughter in with him.
They were inseparable. Nathan dated around a lot before he met Elise, but she was it for him. ”
Avery presses her hand to her heart. “And she died?”
Finn nods. “Awful car accident. Nathan wasn’t right for years. After her funeral, I didn’t hear from him again until your birthday party. He called me for a business favor.”
The night we met. House of Blues. Nathan was there because he knew Finn? He never mentioned it. “Wait. Elise’s daughter died too?” I ask.
“Claire? No, she wasn’t in the car. They took her from Nate when her mom died. She had to go live with her grandmother.”
Her grandmother? I throw my hand over my mouth as that last piece of my déjà vu puzzle scuttles through my brain and slams into place.
Claire looks so familiar because I saw her before.
The little girl in the picture in Nathan’s office.
The beautiful redheaded woman and her almost-identical daughter.
It’s why Nathan’s such a natural with Charlie.
He’s done this before. Oh, Nathan. He didn’t just lose his fiancée. He lost his family.
My mind races, more of the story coming together. Ruby mentioned her son traveled a lot for work, which is why she took care of Claire.
“Finn, what happened to Peter?”
“Prison. After everything came out about him abusing Elise, he was sentenced. He just got out though. Nathan was pretty pissed about it.”
Heart thumping against my rib cage, I sift through my memories like a mental scrapbook.
I focus on every single time I’ve seen Claire.
Were there any marks? Was she wearing heavy makeup to cover anything up?
I can’t remember anything concerning. Charlie has zero chill and would’ve told me if her friend was getting hurt.
Maybe Peter was only abusive to Elise, but I’m furious at Ruby for lying to me.
Charlie’s been over there several times now.
As her guardian, I had a right to know if she was around an abusive felon. I have to tell Nathan.
I have so much I have to tell him. Which brings me back to the conversation at hand.
“So, no presents?”
“Nope,” Dex answers this time. “That’s not what he wants.”
“Then what should she do?” Lennox wonders out loud.
Finn and Dex exchange glances. “Which version are we doing? Are we giving general advice from guys and pretending like we didn’t hear everything you guys talked about? Or do you want specific advice for your situation?”
Heat splashing my cheeks, I cover my eyes again. “Specific,” I mumble.
“Send him a nude,” Dex says simply. “ Ow. What?” he adds after Lennox slaps him on the thigh.
“You Neanderthal. This is a man she’s falling for, not a Tinder date.”
“Not to mention, the last guy she did that for was a pig. It’s not something she takes lightly,” Avery says.
I sit silently as my friends run commentary about my love life as if they were announcers at the Super Bowl.
“Exactly,” Finn chimes in. “It’s a trust thing. If he opened up to you about Elise, he cares for you deeply, Spencer. And you in not so many words told him you don’t trust him. If you give him what you gave Casey and let Nathan treat you better, that’s all he wants.”
“How do you know that?”
“I’m so confident, I’ll punch Finn in the dick if he’s wrong,” Dex promises.
Finn’s face pinches in offense. “The fuck?”
Dex shrugs innocently. “I’m trying to make her feel confident in your advice.”
“Punch your own dick.” He faces me again.
“Ignore him. Listen to me. See this woman right here?” He jostles Avery goofily in his embrace.
“Do you know why we’re so close and I love her so much?
Because we figured our shit out together.
You don’t need to be asking us for sex advice.
If Nathan is your guy, then navigate this with him. ”
I shake my head. “I see what you’re saying, but I really don’t know what I’m doing. And I don’t want to scare him off.” The irony is that in an effort to not scare him off, I chased him away.
“Neither did I,” Avery muses, slowly turning to smile at Finn. “But when you fall in love, it’s not about being perfect. It’s just having faith that even when you don’t see the best in yourself, your person does. That’s all it takes to make this work.”
“It’s that simple?”
“That simple.” Lennox nods. “Believe us. We’ve already had our lessons in love.
I’m sure there’s more to come,” she adds as she holds her belly, “but it all starts with being brave enough to trust someone with your insecurities. It’s such a heavy burden to carry on your own.
If you want a real, honest relationship with Nathan, then help each other figure it out. ”
I nod in agreement, questioning if I’m actually capable of that. I’m good at burying things. I’m skilled at running and rebuilding. But can I trust someone enough to let them see all my ugly scars?
“Now that we’ve settled that, circling back to earlier, you said you had some questions about oral?” Lennox asks, entirely unashamed.
I’ve never seen two people jump to their feet faster in my entire life.
“Beer run?” Dex asks.
“See ya,” Finn says by way of agreement.
I cackle as they practically trip over each other fleeing the room.