Chapter Fifteen
Save a Horse, Ride a Muffin
“Say that again? Not sure I heard you right.”
His grin turned playful. “I want to ride your cock, Evan. Is that clearer for you?”
Shocked was an understatement. I hadn’t expected it at all. I stared up at him as the gears in my brain came to a screeching halt.
That grin fell. “Unless you don’t want me to?”
“No, I do!” I squeaked, then cleared my throat, trying to stay cool. Not that I was ever cool and collected, but still. “I haven’t, uh, given much, though, and it’s been a long time. Like two or so years ago. Hopefully it’s like riding a bike? Muscle memory and all of that.”
“I don’t know what a bike is,” Rowan said with a teasing grind of his hips. “But leave the riding to me.”
If this were an anime, his seductive grin would’ve triggered one of those gushing nosebleeds, followed by my eyes rolling back and a little ghostly Evan leaving my body.
As I was stunned stupid—not for the first time—he bent down and kissed me. There wasn’t an ounce of softness. The kiss was rough, going between hard presses of his mouth and the graze of his teeth as he pulled my bottom lip between them.
Sex with Rowan wouldn’t be gentle and sweet. It’d be fueled by carnal desire and lacking the vulnerability that came from true intimacy. He had opened up to me some, but he still had a wall up. A fortress encased in shadows. Our time together had thinned areas of that surrounding darkness, giving me a glimpse of the man hiding within it, but there were parts of him I couldn’t reach. Not yet.
What gave me a spark of hope? Me being his first kiss. He’d already given me a part of himself he’d never given to anyone else.
The fire radiated heat, but so did Rowan. His flames licked across my skin and sent that heat through my veins. The rough kiss grew sloppy as he reached between our bodies and unfastened my pants. When he took my cock into his hand, I groaned.
“Perfect,” he said, giving me a slow tug. “Not too big or too small.”
“Glad you approve.” The relief in my voice made it shake a bit. Dick size always caused some insecurity. Not all of us could be blessed like Maddox.
I felt him smile before he dove in for another kiss. For someone inexperienced with kissing, he sure liked doing it, even if the kisses were more abrasive than I was used to. Maybe he’d feel comfortable enough, eventually, to soften those kisses. To revel in them like I did.
“I take it you’ll be keeping this on?” he asked, touching my necklace.
“Yeah.”
“Because you don’t trust me?”
“What? No. I know you won’t hurt me. I just…” I lifted a hand to the softly glowing protection stone. “I feel closer to them when I wear it. Even when they’re miles and miles away.”
“Fine. You can wear it.” His mouth hitched up. “But everything else comes off.”
He tugged my pants farther down my thighs before rising up and unfastening his. The peek of his hip bones had my blood racing hotter, like valleys I wanted to explore with my tongue. Lean muscle covered his slim frame, and as he worked his trousers off, the flickering flames reflected on the tanned skin of his hips and thighs. He pulled off his tunic and tossed it to the side.
My gaze trailed to his cock. It jutted forward, not fully erect but getting there.
“Like what you see?” Rowan flashed that snaggletooth that drove me crazy.
I nodded. My blood had shot south, taking away my ability to form any sort of coherent sentence. Unless he didn’t mind me communicating in caveman style. My already dwindling speech deteriorated even further when he grabbed my hand, lifted it to his lips, and took my index finger into his mouth.
The silky heat of his mouth sent vibrations down my spine and right into my cock. It swelled to an almost painful degree as he then took my hand and positioned it behind him, placing my finger at his opening. Blood pounded in my ears, and tingles zapped through my veins.
“That’s it.” Rowan tipped his head back as the tip of my finger pushed into him. “I want you deep inside me.”
Okay, yeah. Even cavemen would be able to form better sentences than me right then. What even were words? Maybe Ban was onto something. Grunting your way through life was easier.
“Am I hurting you?” I asked, sliding knuckle-deep. Spit wasn’t exactly the best lubricant.
Rowan came down harder on my hand, forcing my finger deeper. “Stop being so nice, and let your instinct take over.”
“My instinct is to be nice.”
He rolled his eyes. “Why doesn’t that surprise me? Fine. There’s oil in my satchel. I’ll get it.” With a sigh, he slid off me and rifled through the bag against the wall, withdrawing something. When he straddled me again, he showed me a small vial of clear liquid. “Happy?”
“Yep.” I popped the cork and dribbled some on my fingers before returning my hand to his backside. “Where were we?”
“We weren’t even a full finger deep. Barely even started.” Impatiently, he took charge, placing two of my fingers inside him and sinking down. “Much better.”
As he started a slow grind, I used my other hand to stroke his cock. He eased into my touch, exposing his throat as he tipped his head back.
I stared up at him, seeing him in a way I hadn’t before. Until then, it was like he’d been cloaked in shadow, only letting me see what he wanted me to. But he was fully exposed now, naked and writhing on top of me. Nothing to hide behind.
Red hair fell over his tanned skin, the strands brushing the base of his collarbone. Small scars were visible on one bicep, and another scar cut down his left side. The thin slices reminded me of something a dagger would do. Living on the streets for as long as he had, I was sure he’d seen his fair share of knife fights.
“You’re staring.” Rowan planted his hands on my chest as he came down harder on my fingers. “Why?”
“Because you’re beautiful.”
He stilled on top of me. It was hard to read his expression, but the swallow in his throat and unwavering eye contact made me wonder if anyone had ever said that to him before. His lips parted like he was going to say something. He then clamped his mouth closed and continued riding my hand.
Something felt different now. Like he’d summoned more shadows to block me from seeing him in his dark fortress.
“That’s enough foreplay. I’m ready now.” He pulled off my fingers and rotated his body to face in the opposite direction. Away from me.
“Rowan?” I rested my hand on his back.
“We can do it like this.”
“I never do it while facing them. It’s always from behind,” he’d told me.
Why did I think I’d be an exception to his rule?
“What if I want to look at you?” I asked through the tightness in my throat.
“The view’s better from back there.” He reached behind him to grab my cock.
As much as I wanted to have sex with him, I wasn’t as excited anymore. My men took me from behind often, so facing him wasn’t the issue. I hated the sudden barrier he’d thrown up between us. It felt too… cold. Like the fire that had coursed through my body only moments earlier had been snuffed out.
“Rowan. I… I don’t like this.”
Slowly, he peered back at me. That’s when I saw the glassy shine in his eyes. “Why overthink everything, Evan? This is just sex.”
“What if it’s more than that to me?” I smoothed my fingertips along the curve of his spine. “What if I want more from you?”
“I don’t see why you would,” he said, looking away. “I’m nothing but an army of red flags, remember? A no-good thief. I’m not a hero like your captain or compassionate like your physician. Nor am I selfless like your wolf. My edges don’t align with yours. I don’t fit.”
My heart panged hard against my ribs. It squeezed a little too, like the shadows he wielded had sunk into my chest and compressed. “Spice can go with anything.”
Rowan turned on my lap and faced me. “Even desserts?”
“Oh, especially desserts,” I answered. “Adding some cayenne pepper to chocolate is amazing. Jalapenos too.”
“Is that what I am to you?” A spark had returned to his eyes. Faint but present. “A pepper?”
“Black cardamom, actually. Smoky and bold.” I reached up and cupped his face. There was a tug in my chest when he leaned into my touch, closing his eyes. “You don’t have to be like Maddox, Briar, and Lake. I don’t want you to be like them. They aren’t like each other either.”
“They each have their own flavor?” he asked, voice soft.
“Exactly.”
Rowan bent and captured my lips. It wasn’t rough like before. No hard crashes of his mouth or scrapes of his teeth. The kiss was soft. Slow. His tongue brushed mine, and heat burrowed deep inside of me, replacing the cold that had settled there earlier.
His hand came around my cock, and his palm was slick with the oil from the vial. He’d grabbed it without my knowing, the sneaky thief. I was drunk on him, reveling in his taste and how fucking amazing it felt when he touched me.
Touches that soared to the next level as he guided my cock into place and sank down on me.
“Fuck,” I said, voice shaking. The sudden explosion of heat nearly made me blow my load on the spot. “That… that’s… oh my god.”
Rowan started a slow grind, taking me in a few inches, pulling up, then dropping back down and taking me deep. He dropped kisses to me in between, kissing my lips, jaw, and cheek.
I treasured each one of those soft pecks, knowing he didn’t give them out to anyone else. Maybe I was a little greedy. I wanted all of his kisses. Every one of his cocky smiles. I even wanted his smart-ass mouth and the playful insults he threw at me. Like calling me a sad toad and teasing me for my clumsiness.
“Your moans are so loud,” Rowan teased. “I’m sure all of Exalos can hear you.”
“It’s your fault. You feel too good.”
“Just good?” He pulled nearly all the way off, leaving only my tip inside.
Frustrated, I tried to pump my hips up into him, but he was a lot stronger and kept me pinned. “Did I say good? I meant amazing. Mind-blowing. Incredible.”
“That’s more like it.” He took mercy on me and rode me just like I craved. “You feel incredible too. I might need to steal you away again after all so I can have my wicked way with you whenever I please.”
My laugh came out hoarse. “Or you could just stay with me. Dick privileges for life.”
“Tempting offer.” He glided the backs of his knuckles over my chin. “None of your other men take you this way, do they?”
I shook my head. “You’re the only one.”
A warm smile crossed his face. “Good.”
I’d like to say I lasted for a long time and gave him the ride of his life. But truth was, I shot my load only a handful of seconds later. He fucked me hard as wave after wave of pleasure crashed into me, milking me for all I had. As I moaned and bucked up into him, losing my goddamn mind, he watched me.
“Gods,” Rowan said with a breathy groan, his stomach muscles tightening. He was close.
I took hold of his cock to help him along, and on the third stroke, he shuddered with his climax, splashing warm cum on my belly.
After, he slumped forward and rested his cheek on my shoulder. I wound my arms around him and slowly rubbed his spine, loving the warmth of his skin beneath my palm. He’d mentioned before how he didn’t cuddle or kiss; he just fucked and then went on his merry way. But there he was, pressing his face against my shoulder and sliding his hands through my hair. Like maybe I really was a treasure to him.
“Sorry for coming too fast,” I said.
Rowan breathed out a laugh. “Don’t be. We both got off, so no harm done. You’ll last longer next time.”
“So there’ll be a next time?”
“Dick privileges for life is what you said.” He nipped at my throat. “I don’t know if forever is in the cards for us, but you’re awfully addictive, little treasure. The worst sort of vice. Even more so than liquor or gambling.”
“Wow. Sounds like I’m a true menace.”
“Aye. You are.” He took hold of my chin and tipped it up, forcing our gazes to meet. The warmth in his eyes gave me flutters. “Perhaps we fit together after all.”
“Like spice and chocolate.”
Rowan’s nose crinkled. “Gotta be honest. That sounds disgusting.”
“I’ll take that as a challenge. Just wait. I’m gonna bake something you’ll like. Ideas are brewing in my head.”
I then yawned so big my eyes watered.
“Sleep should be the only thing in that silly head of yours right now,” he said before untangling himself from my arms and rolling to my side.
Staying the entire night hadn’t been my intention, but I was too tired to move. Definitely didn’t have the energy to get dressed and trek down the mountain and back to town.
“This was your plan all along, wasn’t it?” My lids felt heavy, matching the sluggishness in my muscles. “Ride me hard and wear me out so I can’t leave.”
The edge of his mouth hitched up. “I’m offended you’d think me capable of such deviousness.”
“Uh-huh.” My eyes closed, and I felt myself drifting off. “I’m… onto… you.”
The crackling of the fire and the distant rush of the waterfall lured me deeper into that sleepy place. The smell and feel of Rowan all around me did too. My soul calmed with him. Which was further proof that I belonged with him—and him with me.
Something soft pressed to my forehead. “Good night, my little treasure.” A shaky exhale tickled my temple. “I don’t ever want to leave your side, but one day, you’ll come to your senses and see how wrong I am for you. And then, you really will destroy me.”
***
Sunlight spilled in through the entrance of the cave, stirring me from sleep.
“Morning,” Rowan said, sitting by the fire. He’d changed into clean clothes, and his hair was damp, like he’d just washed it. The golden cuff was gone. It was the first time I’d seen him without it.
“Your hair’s down.” My voice was thick from sleep. “I like it.”
He combed his fingers through it before gathering it to one side, seeming self-conscious. “I keep it pinned so it’s not in the way. I should just cut it.”
“Do whatever makes you happy.” I sat up and stretched, a yawn following. “I love it long, but it’d look good short too.”
Rowan retrieved the cuff and clasped his hair together.
“Is there something special about the cuff?” I asked. “You’re always wearing it.”
“It’s gold. Of course it’s special. Stole it from some nobleman after he called me a street rat.” He grabbed a sliver of meat off the wooden rack and offered it to me. “Hungry?”
I eyed the meat. “Accepting food from you is like playing Russian roulette with my stomach. Spicy nuts? Amazing. But you also gave me a demonic apple once.”
“For your own benefit.” He took a bite of the meat. “See? Not poisoned. Now, eat. I know how you are in the morning.”
“Stalker.” I accepted the jerky and sniffed it. Smelled good, at least. I ate the sliver, then happily accepted a second when he offered. “Have you explored the caves yet?”
“Explored them?”
“Yeah, for gemstones and stuff.” I turned to look behind us. The cave didn’t go much farther in, so probably no passageways where shiny things could be hiding.
“You won’t find any in here,” he responded.
“Oh.” I ate more, thinking as I chewed. “What about secret tunnels? Maybe ones that lead to, like, some underground oasis or something. I bet the mountains go super deep, with twisting tunnels and all sorts of things just waiting to be discovered.”
“You aren’t allowed in any of those tunnels,” Rowan said with a sudden air of seriousness.
I stopped chewing as an unsettled pressure filled my tummy. “Why? Are there monsters? Grotesque things with no eyes and slimy skin that live deep in the darkness and rely on sound to hunt their prey? Have you seen them?”
“Monsters? No.” He snorted. “You’re too clumsy just walking across flat ground. Letting you wander through a mountain tunnel would be sending you to your death.”
“Rude.”
“It’s true, and you know it.”
I mumbled at him under my breath and ate more. “Anything to drink?”
Rowan went over to his satchel and pulled out a flask, taking a swig before handing it to me. “Here.”
“Yay. Thank you.” I tipped the flask back for a nice, big gulp… and then coughed, spewing that drink all over myself.
Rowan laughed. “Oh, that’s rum. Not water.”
“You could’ve warned me.” I wiped at my mouth. “My throat’s on fire. And my lips. I think I’m dying.”
“Well, most people don’t accept a drink without first knowing what it is. I figured you knew.” He took the flask from me and drank from it. “Put your pants on. We’ll go to the waterfall.”
Putting on pants was pointless. They came off as soon as I reached the water. The water was kind of cold, but I felt grimy and gross and needed to wash off. Rowan sat on the grassy bank and watched me, taking drinks from his flask. He’d referenced my morning hunger, but he was the one who looked ravenous in that moment.
“Don’t look too closely.” I shifted my body to hide my front from him. “The water’s cold.”
He’d just taken a drink, and it shot out his nose as he sputtered.
“Bet that didn’t feel too good coming out,” I said. “Serves you right for tricking me. Karma at work.”
Rowan closed the flask and hopped up from the grass. “I’d watch that mouth if I were you. You’re awfully vulnerable right now.”
“I have muffins of steel. You don’t scare me.”
“Is that so?” He stepped over to the pile of clothes I’d laid out on the bank and grabbed them.
“Hey, what are you doing with those?”
“Why? You scared?”
I scampered through the chilly pool of water and stepped onto the grass, shivering as the morning air hit my wet skin and hair. Luckily, he took mercy on me and didn’t run away with my clothes. He also did something unexpected.
“Come here.” Rowan brought me closer and ran his hand down my arm. His palm felt warm, and as it passed over my skin, the water droplets dried. He then did the same to my hair, drying the wet strands. “Better?”
“You’re like a human hair dryer,” I said, amazed. “I didn’t know you could do that.”
He flashed that adorable snaggle. “I have a few tricks up my sleeve. Most are of little use, but.” He shrugged. “I guess it was useful for this.”
“See?” I lightly bumped our foreheads together. “You can do good with your magic.”
Rowan averted his eyes. “Get dressed.”
I did. Despite being dry, the morning air was still on the chilly side, especially standing so close to the waterfall. My cloak was the final touch. I fastened it over my shoulders.
“That cloak really does suit you,” he said. “Parting with it wasn’t a complete waste.”
“I love it.” I snuggled more into it. “Thanks again for giving it to me.”
He nodded and retrieved his flask from the grass, taking another swig.
“Is that a blush I see, my phantom thief?”
“Phantom thief?” Rowan’s brow wrinkled.
“Yep. Phantom in the sense that you can pop in and out whenever you want, using shadows. And thief because… well, you have a bad habit of stealing everything. Me included.”
The scent of rum wafted from him as he closed the small gap between us and skimmed his lips along my jaw. “Better not let your guard down, little treasure, or I’ll steal you again.”
“You don’t have to steal me.” I rested my head on his shoulder. “I’m already yours.”
“D-Don’t…” Rowan swallowed hard and drew back from me. “Don’t say that.”
“Why not?”
Vulnerability laced in his eyes, like a frayed thread weaving through the traces of gold. “I should take you back before they come looking for you.”
“Wait.” I grabbed his arm as he went to walk past me.
Rowan stopped and angled his face toward the ground. “This was a mistake.”
“What was?” Something hot coiled around my heartstrings. “Having sex with me?”
He still wouldn’t look at me. “All of it. Meeting you on the balcony during the autumn ball. Returning to Bremloc after that because I couldn’t get you out of my head. Visiting you at your cottage. Coming with you on this journey.” His voice shook. “Letting myself fall under your spell.”
Although I’d been in that place between awake and sleep at the time, I vaguely recalled his words from last night. He avoided attachments because he expected people to disappoint him. To hurt him. It was why he’d left Axel and Wren despite them being kind to him. It was why he preferred staying in caves and having as little human interaction as possible.
“Feelings are scary,” I said. “Believe me. I know. And honestly? That fear never goes away, even when you know your love is returned. Because then you worry about that love being taken away.”
When he finally looked at me, shadows had strengthened those once frayed threads. He was hiding behind that dark wall again. “Sounds like more trouble than it’s worth. Best to avoid it altogether.”
“You’re wrong.” I shook my head. “Yes, it’s scary to care about someone. Each time Maddox leaves on a mission, I feel sick to my stomach and pray he’ll come back home. Each time I see Briar overworking himself, forgetting to eat and sleep, I worry about his health. And right now? I’m scared to death Lake will be seen by someone on this trip. But even with all that worry and fear, I wouldn’t change a thing about my life. Love is worth it.”
“Yeah, well, I don’t want your love,” he said with a bitter edge. “I have no need for it.”
As he tried to walk away again, I caught the edge of his tunic, spinning him back around to face me. “Stop being so stubborn. Last night, I felt something, Rowan. Something strong.”
“Don’t bring emotions into this.” His jaw clenched. “We fucked. That’s all. No need to get clingy.”
“I know you don’t mean that.”
“Oh?” He expelled a breath. “What makes you think you know a damn thing about how I feel, Evan?”
“Because it’s how I feel.” My eyes stung with unshed tears. “When you kiss me… when you touch me, it feels so right. Like we were always meant to find each other.”
Albeit small, emotion bled through the shadows he hid behind.
“I want you to stay with me, Rowan. Not just for this trip but long after it too. I want you to live with us at the cottage and hear you call me a sad toad when I pout. I want to hear you bitch about all the sweets I make and watch you ruin amazing coffee by adding rum to it. I want you to sweep me off my feet and take me flying at night.” I reached for his hand and was relieved when he let me take it. “Your world doesn’t have to be quiet anymore.”
“Gods.” Rowan gently pulled his hand free of mine and faced in the other direction, lifting an arm to his face. He made no sound, but his shoulders shook.
I wanted to wrap my arms around him but gave him a moment to process, biting my tongue to stop the nervous ramble that was undoubtedly waiting to be let loose. Nervous because I’d spilled my heart to him—placed it on the table and gone all in.
“Rum doesn’t ruin the coffee,” he finally said, peering back at me with pink-rimmed eyes. “It enhances the flavor.”
My laugh came out a little broken. The hard fist squeezing my sternum loosened its hold. “I’ll get you to like sweets someday. Just have to find the right reci—”
Rowan yanked me by the front of my cloak and slammed our mouths together. He trembled as we kissed. I trembled too. With relief, nerves, and the fear of the unknown. Confessions of the heart were never easy. In fact, they were fucking terrifying.
“I’m still a thief,” he said against my lips.
“I know.”
“And a spy.”
“Procurer of knowledge,” I corrected.
He breathed out a shaky laugh. “Are you sure about this? About… me?”
“Yes. Just as sure as I am about Maddox, Briar, and Lake.” I placed my hand on his chest, feeling his heartbeat beneath my palm. “They’ll come around eventually too. You fit together with us, Rowan.”
“With my own unique flavor.”
“Exactly.”
“A flavor that should never go anywhere near chocolate.”
“Oh, stop.”
As my favorite tooth of his made its appearance, I knew, somehow, everything would be okay. If Rowan was the one Lupin had warned me about—the man who’d either love me or kill me—I didn’t care anymore.
I had chosen my path.
The one that led me to him.