Chapter 11 #2
“If you’re going back to talking about ripping off Roscoe’s clothes, I’m gonna pretend I’m not completely disgusted while I grab something out of my office.
But in reality, I’m going home to wash my ears out with bleach and watch cat videos to un-traumatize my psyche,” Garvey said, standing up from the table.
“Lock up when you’re done being gross, okay? ”
“He’s so cute when he’s flustered,” Taylor said cheerfully. “No wonder Zoey’s over the moon for him.”
“Yeah, yeah, he’s adorable and all that good shit,” Moe said, leaning forward to rest her elbows on the table. “Now, tell us what the man’s done to get you so worked up.”
“Have you seen the guy?” Fallon asked. “All he needs to do is breathe in her direction and she’s probably a puddle on the floor.”
“Or on that spot right under her ear,” Shivon suggested, sighing dreamily.
“He knows right where that is,” I admitted with a shiver.
“He’s a doctor, right?” Taylor asked. When I nodded, she asked, “An OB?” I nodded again, and she smiled wickedly. “Out of all the men we’ve known, my guess is that he doesn’t need a map to find all the good spots on . . . and inside . . . a woman’s body.”
I swallowed hard at the thought and looked at my friend with wide eyes. “I wonder if you’re right?” I whispered.
“You’ll have to let us know.”
◆◆◆
“I can’t believe I agreed to do this!” Zoey muttered as she walked into the conference room. “I’m still wondering if I should call my insurance agent and up my coverage for freak accidents and natural disasters.”
A few of us started laughing at the look on her face, but Janis looked sincere as she said, “I think that might be a good idea.”
“How bad could it be, you guys?” Shivon asked.
“Bite your tongue! You shouldn’t ever put challenges like that out into the universe when it has anything to do with the children in our family.”
“They can’t be that bad,” Moe argued.
“We have a private group on Facebook for the people we consider family. Since I put the invite out for everyone a few weeks ago, I’ve gotten more messages than I can count from concerned family members who just wanted to make sure I knew what I was getting myself into.”
“Really?”
“It’s one thing to go to a cookout and see a dozen kids running wild in a controlled environment. It’s a completely different thing to invite them to join you in the great outdoors with no fences or barriers and let them run completely free.”
Janis shook her head and sighed. “I told you this was a very bad idea, but you didn’t listen.”
“I never listen to you.”
“And here we are,” Janis snapped. “Go call your agent, and stop whining. You’re giving me a headache.”
“You are a headache!” Zoey retorted before she threw a bottle of water in Janis’s direction.
“If I have to get up from this stool and walk around the table to whip your ass, you’re gonna regret it.”
Zoey slid off her stool and started walking around the long table. “I’m so confident you’re not gonna do a damn thing that I’ll meet you halfway!” she said.
“Ladies! Good grief, can we have just one interaction that doesn’t end in bloodshed?” Zoey’s friend, Lark, asked.
Janis looked at her like she’d said something horrible. “Where’s the fun in that?”
“Sit down and get to work before I kill you all,” Lark threatened. She rolled her eyes before looking at me. “Are you sure you want to be part of this circus?”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“Well, you’re dating Roscoe, so that means you’ll have to deal with this shit until you wise up and toss him out on the highway without slowing down the car.”
I laughed as I corrected her. “Roscoe and I aren’t dating.”
“Yet,” Moe added. “They will be after Bella’s wedding.”
“There’s another event that is making me crazy!”
“It’s a short trip, so it shouldn’t take long,” Janis teased Zoey, who had finally taken her seat again.
“Oh, I heard about that,” Lark said, ignoring her bickering friends. “You’re waiting until after Bella’s wedding to finally yank that poor man out of the friend zone and corrupt his mind while you ravish his body.”
“Eww,” Zoey said with a horrified expression. “It’s Roscoe.”
“He is a decent-looking man,” Janis admitted. “He’s thoroughly disgusting and dumb as a stump, but he’s not hard to look at.”
“So dumb,” Zoey whispered. “So, so . . . so dumb.”
“I’d hope not, since he’s a doctor!” Shivon said in Roscoe’s defense.
“He’s got a nerd-brain, which makes him a good doctor, but in all other aspects of life, he’s not exactly the brightest,” Zoey explained.
“What makes you say that?” I asked.
“He’s Roscoe,” Zoey replied, as if that explained everything.
“I don’t understand the dynamic between any of you,” I admitted. “Half the time you want to kill each other, but God forbid anyone else even mutters something bad - you’ll jump to their defense and shank a person without even blinking.”
Lark cackled with laughter. “I love it when one of you snaps and goes from zero-to-inmate like that.”
“She was cellies with Moe forever, so. If anyone’s gonna snap and shank someone, it would definitely be Serana,” Taylor explained.
“I served my time in more ways than one. That’s for sure.”
“If I’m that horrible, then maybe you should just quit talking to me!” Moe snapped.
“We know what that would do,” Taylor muttered. She realized that Zoey, Lark, and Janis were staring at her expectantly. She shrank back before she asked, “What?”
“What would that do?” Lark asked.
“She absolutely hates to be ignored. It makes her . . .”
I stopped to find the right word, so Taylor jumped in and said, “Testy.”
“Good save, bitch,” Moe grumbled.
“When she feels like she’s being ignored, it makes her testy as hell,” I continued.
“What exactly does that entail?” Zoey asked.
“All of you have siblings, right?” I asked. I considered their extended family and the dynamics between the people I’d met so far, and I continued before they had a chance to do more than nod. I pointed at Zoey, narrowed my eyes, and whispered, “I’m not touching you! I’m not touching you!”
“Zoey! Zoey! Zo! Zoey! Zoey Duke! Hey, Zoey! Zoey!” Taylor said frantically. When Zoey looked at her in horror, Taylor grinned and said, “Like that.”
“But when Moe does it, it’s with more anger than excitement,” I explained. “The next time she texts you, leave her on ‘read’ for a while and see what happens.”
“Or you could just reply like a decent human and avoid all that,” Moe instructed angrily. “I don’t like to be ignored.”
Lark propped her chin on her hand and said, “You know what? I don’t like that either! You and I are a lot alike, Moe.”
“Well, that’s terrifying,” I heard Janis mutter.
“If we don’t get to work, we’re going to be here all night,” I reminded everyone. “Whose idea was it to make goodie bags for all of the children anyway?” When no one answered, I looked up and found everyone staring at me. “Oh! My bad! That was me, wasn’t it?”
Moe rolled her eyes before she said, “She might talk a lot of shit about me, but I assure you that sharing a cell with her wasn’t exactly a walk in the park.”
“That might have something to do with the fact that you were in prison,” Zoey pointed out.
“No! Really?”
“To quote my dear friend Janis, let me just say, ‘I hate you all equally.’”
“I don’t say that. I’ve got a ranking system!” Janis argued.
“You do too?” Moe asked.
“I’m starting to regret introducing all of you to my friends,” Zoey said worriedly, looking from Moe to Lark and then over at Janis. “This is getting spooky.”
“Spooky?” Taylor asked. “Fuck that! It’s terrifying!”