10. Koi #2
“Well, if I had a fine ass nigga turning me every which way but loose, I wouldn’t be sleeping either.”
“I mean…” I flipped the air as if it was my long hair. “You know.”
“Yea okay. You better not come up pregnant. You know that’s how it always happens.”
As soon as the words left her mouth, Marli looked at me with apologetic eyes. She didn’t mean any harm. I didn’t expect people to tiptoe around pregnancy talk because of my issues with conceiving. As a woman who was of age, that was a given in most conversations.
“I know. But trust me, I’m careful. This is fun and not no lifelong shit.” I stopped for a second, collecting my thoughts. “Did I tell you he was married?” I didn’t remember if I had told her that bit of information before, but judging by her face, Marli didn’t approve. “Before you go off.”
“You may have mentioned it. The problem is their status. Are they together or just married because divorce is expensive?”
“He isn’t worried about getting one, and he told me not to be worried, so I guess that should tell you enough.”
“If I gotta curse him out behind you. I will.” She folded her arms.
Marli was protective. She wasn’t the friend that was gonna let anything go.
She still hung a bunch of shit over Marcel’s head, but now with him having a baby with Rika, all bets were off.
I couldn’t blame her because I was the same way.
We were thick as thieves and had each other’s back like no other.
When most women cried, they didn’t have a genuine friend who was there from childhood to adulthood.
That’s why I sat out of the conversation when it came to my sister and best friend.
At one point, Sicily swore I loved Marli more than her.
That’s how deep we were, and I wouldn’t change a damn thing.
Now don’t get me wrong, we’ve had our fair share of arguing and bickering.
However, we have never had a falling out that we couldn’t come back from.
She was my girl through and through. So, when I was crossed by my blood cousin, I had to think about how evil one could be. When I questioned if it was me and my boujee ways, I learned that a chick like Rika was just someone who had deep rooted issues that had nothing to do with me.
I sat and talked with Marli until it was time for me to go to therapy.
Rae was about to get an earful of the drama, and as much as I wanted to walk in that session with my head held high.
In reality, this shit was eating me alive.
And one thing Rae could do is read me and tell me about myself because I was not being true to me.
Session 9
“The bitch woke up.” Rae didn’t bother to sit down; she turned on her heels, glasses full of water in her hands.
“Well hello to you too, Koi. I was gonna start with some water, but obviously you have a lot on your mind.” I needed to skip all the small talk. That’s all I've been dealing with these past few days. This was my time to let it all out, no filter and no judgment.
“Hi, can you come sit? I don’t need water; I need something stronger, and with all Ima drop on you. You're gonna need some, too.”
Rae sat in the chair across from me, eyes piercing my skin in a way that made me uncomfortable. I looked away, picked up the glass of water she had set on the table closest to me, taking a sip.
“Tell me what’s going on since the last session.”
“Rika woke her stupid ass up. Marcel is definitely the father. I put him and the baby out of my condo. I also went behind his back and put the condo up for sale while meeting a new nigga who can fuck and suck the attitude out of me, and well, yea. She woke up.” I shrugged, catching my breath.
“Run that all back and slowly. You're trying to give me a heart attack.” She clutched her gold Van Cleef necklace.
“Let’s just focus on the bitch being woke.
” I hopped up from the sofa. “If I killed her, would you report me? I mean, I can make it look like I snapped. The hoe has been trying me for years.” Rae looked on without saying a word.
Part of me expected her to tell me I was trippin, but then the other part of me felt like she knew where my hurt and anger were coming from.
“I hear you, and yes, that could deter your healing, but Koi, let’s not let her bring you to that place. What good have you encountered since you stepped away from your ex?”
“I found an apartment, and like I said before, I got put through the mattress. So, a win is a win.”
“And does this person provide you with what you’re looking for?”
“Dick? He sure does, but that’s as far as I will take it.”
“Are you acting out because of what’s going on in your life-” I held my hand up before she could begin to lecture me.
Rae was on her “I went to school for my title” attitude, and tonight I wasn’t for it.
The payment had cleared for this session so she could save the therapist's talk.
I said enough. Embarrassed and overwhelmed, I grabbed my purse.
“Why do you do that?”
“Do what, Rae? Stop our sessions when I’ve had enough?”
“Yes.”
“Because I’ve paid you, and when I'm over being the laughingstock, I will walk away.”
“Laughingstock? Koi please. I keep telling you I’m not ya’ last therapist and I’m not gonna act like you’re this crazy person.”
“I hear you, but your face tells a different story.”
Rae got up from her seat, touching my shoulder before sitting me back in the chair. I could already feel where this conversation was going, and I wanted no parts, but somehow, Rae pushed down on my thigh, preventing me from getting up.
“What Rae?”
“Stop acting up, damn. Why are you so damn defensive?” She questioned.
I expected her to look puzzled, but she wasn’t.
Her facial expression remained calm. “Do you really think I judge you? Huh? Because if that’s the case, then maybe you need a new therapist. I am a Black woman just like you, and although we may have different circumstances in life, I get you, Koi,” she told me. “I understand you more than you think.”
“How?” I pushed back. “How the hell do you get me? My life is in shambles right now, and you sitting here trying to help me pull it together, so stop the we are the same bullshit.”
“Both things can be true. I too am in therapy. Shit. You think I hear all y’all problems and go home and sleep comfortable? No. I don’t. Plus, I have my own demons that need to be handled.” I folded my arms over my chest.
With a little over fifteen minutes left, I decided to drop my guard.
Something about Rae relaxed me, and the more I fought it, the more I started to act like it.
She wasn’t a bad therapist, but she was unveiling emotions and secrets that I wanted to keep to myself, but any time I walked into her office, I found myself spilling my guts.
By now we had been seeing each other for nine weeks, and she had made me relive some trauma that was too hard to talk about unless I was drinking.
That’s how it always was. Complex and to myself, I put up a wall that no one has been able to break down.
That was until I met her. She was peeling back the layers that made me, me.
“I’m not gonna unpack too much this session, but the next one will make number ten. That’s a new record for you. Since you like to leave your therapist or they leave you, yet here we are, thugging it out.” Her timer went off just as I opened my mouth to speak. “End of session. Good. What’s up?”
“She’s up, and I know when I go home tonight it’s going to hit me. This girl took my man from me.” I spoke freely as I swiped away at a lone tear.
“Was he even your man if she could get close to him?”
“Hmm.” She clasped her hands together. “I will see you next week.” I grabbed my purse and phone, leaving the office with a heavy heart.
Once in the car, I broke down. Fifteen years I had given to this nigga who not only fucked bitches, but he brought home a child with my cousin.
I thought I had lived through betrayal until I learned the truth.
I could never look at either one the same.
For nine months, they played in my face, and while Marcel used the “I didn’t know it was mine,” line.
The facts were there. He had fucked her, simple.
My family used to look at me as the strong one, and now I was probably the butt of their jokes in the group chat. The tables had turned, and Belinda and her fifty eleven kids were no longer the center of drama; I was the drama.
The tears fell freely as I screamed out. Not caring if people heard me unleash the hurt. I continued to cry until the tap came to my window, startling me.
I locked eyes with Rae’s receptionist. She motioned for me to roll down my window. I didn’t budge, shaking my head no. She shrugged, raised her brow before walking off. Right now, I didn’t want a listening ear; I needed to be left the fuck alone.
Minutes passed, and I was still sitting in the same spot, lips trembling as I tried to keep the tears at bay.
When I failed, I reached for the bottled water and took a huge gulp.
The feeling of my heart breaking was something I couldn’t describe, but it ached down in my stomach, tightening my chest.
A text on my phone caused me to shift my focus to the device.
Marcel’s name popped up across the screen.
I sucked my teeth, groaning. Apparently, he wasn’t trying to bow out gracefully.
He had done the damage, and yet still he was harassing me every chance he got.
You would think his stupid ass would be checking for his trifling baby mama, but no. He was texting me bullshit.
Marcel: Yo. Wyd? I need to talk to you, and before I blow down your phone, I need you to call me.
There was nothing left for us to talk about. He had taken that privilege away when he stuck his dick in my cousin. But instead of standing my ground, I tapped on his name. He didn’t even let the phone ring fully before he answered.