18. Koi
“Idon’t know what to say. We haven’t spoken. You’ve gone radio silent for a few days and then chose video calls.”
“Yes, because I had to get my shit together, Rae.” I swiped under my eye.
“Life has been life’ing, and well, you and Roman.
” I took a deep breath. “What the fuck was that?” I avoided the conversation surrounding him and Rae because the sessions were on Zoom, but today, I needed everything laid out on the table.
“How was I supposed to know? You think I was hip to you and my husband?”
“I don’t know, were you? Was he? Did you guys want a threesome?” I jumped up to my feet.
“Hell no. You think I wanted to share you? Your pussy? All of you? Fuck outta here. You mean so much to me and I love you!” Rae was standing in front of me. Her eyes were watery. I know I probably had pushed her to her limit, but I had yet to get to the bottom of what the fuck all of this was.
“Rae, please.” I looked over my shoulder at her door. “What if they hear?”
“I don’t care! You think this was fake? Like I would set you up?” Her voice rose. “Look at me, Koi!”
“I’m looking at you, but you’re loud. You can talk to me and not at me.
” I needed her to calm down, but Rae was on a hundred.
She paced back and forth, and for a moment I forgot that this was my session, not just us talking.
“This is my therapy session.” Rae didn’t care.
She got in my face, grabbed me, kissing me.
I tried to back away, but she wouldn’t let me go.
“Talk to me.” I put a short distance between us.
“My mother is dead. Roman and I are no more, and I lost you.” She shook her head. “What the fuck?”
“I’m sorry,” I pulled her into my arms. I knew something had happened, but I didn’t know it was deep. I didn’t know she had lost her mother. I now felt bad. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“For the same reason you went missing. I am the fixer; I don’t need fixing, and then there is the love we share,” she sighed. “I know if I told you, then you would come and I kinda didn’t need that.”
“But-”
“No buts. We are in a fucked up situation, and honestly, I need you to be a hundred with me.”
“What?” I was unsure of what she was about to ask.
“Are you choosing one of us? Do you still want to see me as a therapist?”
“I’m pregnant, Rae,” I blurted out. She didn’t speak, the look on her face told me exactly how she felt. “Can you say something?”
“It’s Roman’s, right?” She blinked a few times, pinched the bridge of her nose, and stared at me.
“Yes,” I said in almost a whisper. “I’m sorry.”
“You didn’t do this alone. I can’t be fully mad at you, but Koi, what the fuck?”
“You think I wanted this? I wasn’t careful. We weren’t careful either, and I’m sure if your ass could get me pregnant it would have been from you!”
“I mean. That’s beside the point. What are you gonna do?”
“I don’t know, Rae. But I can’t go through another miscarriage or stillborn birth. That is the reason I started therapy, do you not remember?”
“I do.” She let out an aspirated breath. “I love you, Koi.”
“I get that, Rae. I really do, but I am carrying this man’s baby.” I wiped away the tears from my face. “I care deeply for you, but this shit is too much. It’s a lot!”
“So, what is your plan?” She questioned yet again.
“I have to let you go. I have to let us go. I need to figure this shit out and go from there.”
“You love him, huh? He’s who you’re choosing?”
I wanted to slap some sense into Rae. She was missing everything I was saying. The focus right now was not who I was choosing; it was what I was choosing. Rae had it twisted, and because we overstepped boundaries that shouldn’t have been crossed, we were both in her office crying our eyes out.
I really didn’t want her to go. Nor did I want to lose her, but the reality of the situation was what it was. We couldn’t keep this up. And as crazy as this love triangle was, I was gonna go with logic.
“Rae, I am not choosing you or him! I am choosing what I need to do for my body!” I didn’t mean to yell, but she wasn’t getting it. “Like, can you not get that?”
“Damn. I hear you.” She flopped down on the sofa. “So, what now? Are you gonna tell him?”
“I still need therapy, girl. I’m not healed, and if you agree to help me sort through shit without losing your cool, let me know.”
I only started therapy last year, and now my ass was about to be on my third therapist. How crazy was that?
I went from an uptight crazy ass therapist to a therapist I ended up catching feelings for, which had me rethinking therapy altogether.
Were they on the prowl to get people to open up to them, prey on them, or was I just mixed up in a scenario that only a Netflix documentary could cover all the bases?
“You the one with the serious life as of right now.” I could tell Rae was still trying to process what I had told her.
“I know, Rae. How many times are we going to go over this?” I questioned yet again. “Forget it. I will see you at my next session.” I left out feeling uneasy. Now that I had finally told Rae about the pregnancy, it was as if all the early symptoms were hitting me back to back.
Instead of going home, I decided to go to Patterson. For some reason, I wanted to just be up under my mother. She would know what to say because I was just lost.
“Mama,” I yelled out into her quiet apartment. My stepfather was at work, and my sister was probably somewhere with her boo, so I knew I’d be able to get some alone time with her. “Maaa.”
“Yell again. I was catching up on some much needed sleep child.” Her slippers slapped across the tiled floors as she tightened her robe around her.
“Oh, my bad. I wanted to come and talk to you.” I sat down on the sofa, twisting the top to my orange juice.
“Is it about that man you are seeing? Or something else?”
“Huh?” I didn’t tell my mother I was seeing Roman, so now I was confused. “Who told you?”
“Nobody had to tell me. I know you, and I know when you’re smitten. So, what about him?”
“Well, let me start from the beginning. I was sleeping with a female and-” the way my mother clutched her imaginary pearls, you would have thought I had told her that I was a prostitute or something.
“A female? Lord Koi. Did Marcel hurt you that bad that you wanted to eat coochie? Shit. You don’t like dicks anymore?”
“Ma,” I laughed. “Yes, I like men. I was having fun, and well, it went past having fun. I am in lust with one, and I care for the other, but that's not even the worst part.”
My mother walked towards the kitchen before returning with a glass of wine. “With all this tea you’re spilling, I need a damn drink.”
“I’m pregnant.” I puffed out my cheeks. “And the dude and female I was sleeping with happen to be a married couple, but I didn’t know that until the other day.”
“Let me go take your ass to church. Hand me my phone so I can call your Mimi.” She was referring to my grandmother. It was a known family fact that if someone was acting out that grandma was gonna get them right with church and God, but this was not the time to be playing with my mother.
“Seriously ma. I am confused. I don’t know what to do.”
“Let’s start off with what’s important. The pregnancy, does he know? Is it his or can it be Marcel’s?”
As mad as I was with her asking the question, it was a valid one.
No one knew when I stopped fucking around with Marcel but me.
I reassured her that there was no chance that the baby could be Marcel’s.
I didn’t double back, and we hadn’t had sex because my cycle was on right before I decided to leave him.
“He doesn’t know and I’m not sure how or when to tell him. We aren’t speaking but ma, he isn’t a bad guy. The situation is just messed up.” I sighed while thinking about the man that Roman was.
He was attentive, caring and always put my needs first. I knew he wouldn’t be mad that I was pregnant since he didn’t have children of his own, but it was the idea of what’s next?
Would he want to work it out? Would he really divorce Rae?
Could I be happy with him, knowing that there is a possibility of him going back to Rae or even me craving and wanting her.
Either way you looked at it, I was all over the place.
“So first you need to tell him and secondly, what are you doing with this female? Does she even know?”
“She knows I’m pregnant. She’s, my therapist.”
“Koi Malone! What has gotten into you? Wait, don’t answer that, what do you want?”
“I’m scared. What if this pregnancy ends like every other pregnancy I’ve had? Can I put myself through that again? Will he even be there to comfort me?”
“You just said he’s a good guy.”
“He is but this is also new.” Self-sabotage had been the norm for me for some years. No matter how blessed I was, I always found a way to bring myself down.
“You’re scared, I get that, but you won’t know anything until you put yourself out there.
If this man has even held your attention, then obviously he is much better than Marcel and with the female you know you don’t want coochie for life so you gotta let her go.
How? I don’t know but you will figure that out and speaking of Marcel, when is the last time you’ve seen him? ”
“Not long ago. I had to grab some papers from the house, but I heard he got custody of the baby and Rika is in trouble.”
“Yep. And now they’re looking into Belinda as well because they’re investigating and since Rika lives with her, now she is also on watch.”
“Karma,” was all I said. “But yea, I just want to stay here a few days, I don’t want to be alone, and I have an appointment tomorrow.”
“Baby, you know you’re always welcome to stay here. Duke’s room is free so just go sleep in there.” I got up from the sofa, stretched my arms up and yawned. “And Koi.”
“Yes.”
“You’re gonna be fine. I raised a strong and smart young lady. You are gonna do what you see fit, but you know we will have your back with whatever you choose.”