Epilogue
Nine months later
Ipaced outside the office building, giving myself the pep talk I prepared on paper. “She’s fine, you got this, Roman has it under control. Go in there and just speak freely and go on back home,” I whispered to myself while trying not to look like a crazy lady on the streets of Manhattan.
I stopped my stride, pulled out my phone, and called Roman for the umpteenth time.
“Koi, if you call me again, I’m going to put your ass in the spare bedroom tonight. She is okay. We are okay. Stop trippin’.”
My anxiety had been through the roof. Today was the first day I left home without Bella in tow. Although she was with her father and the nanny, I still worked myself up.
“Can I see her? Put the camera on her.” He flipped the camera, facing it towards Bella’s crib. “Touch her, I want to make sure she is breathing.”
“Woman, I am standing right here watching her little chest go up and down. She is alive, she’s healthy, and she wants her mommy to go to therapy and get some free time to herself,” he chastised. “Can you do that for me?”
“Okay. Okay, I’m sorry,” I was a nervous wreck. Bella or Bells as I called her from time to time, was born two months early. After being in the NICU for three weeks, when she was finally released, I had become so overprotective of her.
No one ever prepares you for the what ifs, and coming home without a baby yet again wasn’t as joyous as people had made it seem.
All they kept saying was “she made it Koi.” She was alive, but her nursery was empty.
My milk filled boobs were leaking, and the space where she should have been lying on her hoppy pillow for feeding and bonding time was empty.
I had started to slip into depression. It was so bad that some days all I did was just lay in bed. Roman was patient. He took time off work to tend to Bella and me while she was in the hospital, never missing a visit. While I, on the other end, didn’t go every day.
I would go, sit with her, sing to her, and feed her, but when visiting hours were over, I would lose my shit. Crying had become the new norm, and no one could pull me from this slump.
“Go to therapy, baby girl. You know we will be right here when you return.” I had begun to go back down the dark path and turn around. But I knew he was only pushing me because this is what I needed. He ended the call with his usual I love you.
Rae must have remembered I mentioned my therapy session to her because she then sent an encouraging text.
Rae: You got this. Do this for Bella, not just for you. She deserves a happy and healthy mom. Side note, I gotta tell you about this trip with this damn girl.
Rae had recently started dating this new woman, and the girl had been putting her through hell.
On the days where I thought I was gonna lose my shit, Rae would call me with another crazy ass story.
Yet, her behind stayed with her. I guess the trips and sex must have been good and fun because Rae wasn’t coming up off her at all.
Koi: How’d you know I needed this? And bet. I can’t wait to hear, as long as she been keeping her hands to herself then I ain’t gotta curse her out again.
Rae: Yea, she ain’t trying to hear your mouth again.
I slipped my phone into my Coach purse, poked out my chest with confidence, and went into the office.
“Good morning, you must be Koi Jones?”
“Yes, good morning.” Two months of being a newlywed, and I still wasn’t used to the last name. I had been Koi Malone my whole life, so the new last name still sounded funny.
Roman wasted no time in asking for my hand in marriage after I delivered our baby girl, and the minute I came out of my slump, he called over some family and his best friend to officiate our marriage.
It was small, intimate, and the only way I’d want to be married. While many people questioned how I was secure enough to marry him so quickly after the finalization of his and Rae’s divorce, I told them they didn’t know the half.
It was no secret that they loved each other but were not in love, and when Rae pretty much told me that nobody else’s opinion mattered, I did what my heart wanted to do. I married the man I had fallen in love with.
“Well, let’s go on and get started.” She directed me to follow her to where I would fill out intake forms and then start my first session.
I pulled out a note from my bag, with Rae’s handwriting on it.
This crazy girl done told me her ex had a baby by her cousin, Jesus take the wheel, while I take her right to the bedroom because she clearly needs a release, one I could give her lol.
I laughed to myself. After she gave me the notepad, I randomly would go through her silly ass notes that she wrote during my sessions.
Although most weren't sex driven, a lot of them were, and being in Rae’s head was hilarious.
The woman didn’t care how she looked while loving me, and part of that helped me get over Marcel and realize that Roman did love me.
Roman stuck by me through everything, the ugly, the bad, and the pretty, not once questioning my love for him.
Rae had loved me more than she loved herself, and that alone taught me that I needed to be true to who I was.
I had love for her. I cared deeply, and the lust was evident, but I couldn’t see myself with her.
That’s when I realized Marcel didn’t love me. He only loved the idea of me. The image I brought and the peace I created while he was slowly breaking me down. Rika was his karma, and although it was sad for MJ to have two parents who weren’t worth a damn. That wasn’t my business.
Rika and Marcel were granted joint custody after she had completed a program for her addiction and anger management. I was happy that she did get a second chance with her son because having Bella in my life made it worth living.
Marcel was still the asshole he was to her but didn’t look my way after the night Roman and Duke beat his ass. So, it was a shock when I received an email from him weeks later.
Marcel3@: I can’t believe this is how I gotta reach out to you.
It’s unbelievable how I let fifteen years go down the drain over pussy I ain’t even want.
Shit is wicked and that’s all on me. I fucked up and it took me so long to realize just how special you are.
I know you probably don’t give a fuck about me but it’s only right I try to let you know that I finally can admit you weren’t wrong. It was all me.
Knowing you found someone and starting a family was a punch to the gut, but I deserved it. I loved and still do love you, and as hard as this is to say, you look happy as fuck. The glow and belly say it all.
But I ain’t trying to hold you long, I just wanted to say that I can take accountability in what I caused. I fumbled a good woman behind slangin’ dick.
One love, ma. Marcel
Against what my husband would say, I read it and put it in my favorites folder to read when I got angry about the past year.
It was about time he took accountability, though, and I honestly was surprised he was still alive.
I guess I had Bells to thank for that. Had I not started having Braxton hicks’ contractions, we would probably still be pulling them two big ass dudes off Marcel.
“Are you ready?” She handed me a cup of water. “Calm down. I can see you’re rethinking this whole thing. You’re in good hands.”
“You come highly recommended, so I believe I am. I just hope that you’re ready to hear all about my unorthodox love story that has landed me here in therapy for the third time.” She laughed. “But I guess, third time's a charm, right?”
“Let’s hope so, Koi.”
“Besides, my husband ain’t playing with me. If I hear him tell me again that I need to start therapy again, I’m gonna scream and pull out my edges.”
“And we sure don’t need you doing that. You know us women in our thirties edges ain’t lasting like how big mama’s and em did back in the days.” We both busted out laughing.
“Oh, we are about to have a time in these sessions,” I said confidently.