20. Koi
This whole time I wanted someone to love me the correct way, when I failed to realize that I never loved myself the correct way. All the cheating, emotional ups and downs, to falling for the wrong person. I was screwed, and it was only because I had been looking for love in all the wrong places.
I watched as the tears fell freely on the short note I had written in my journal.
It had been weeks since my life shifted drastically.
Some days I didn’t know if I was coming or going, but that didn’t stop Roman from showing up for me from a distance.
Flower deliveries, food drop-offs, and he even booked prenatal massages.
Stubborn, hormonal, and not trying to give in, I found myself sitting at home, missing his presence.
Rae checked in periodically, but I knew that sooner or later she would get the picture that we couldn’t be anything more. That is why today was going to be our last therapy session.
It was a mutual agreement, but I felt like she pushed for it more. I was okay with it. I was already shopping around for another therapist anyway. Plus, I needed one that wouldn’t violate the codes of conduct and kept it professional.
“Good morning.” Rae was already sitting in her chair, legs crossed, body poised with her notepad on her lap.
“Morning.” I wasn’t as chipper as she was. Mixed emotions filled my spirit, but I rubbed my small protruding belly for a sense of happiness. The baby’s movement caused me to relax a bit.
“Do you want water? Need to use the restroom?” ’She tried to sound as professional as she could.
“I’m good.” I sat down on the sofa, taking a brief moment to look around the office and reminisce. Today was bittersweet, we laughed, cried and fucked all up and through this office. Rae must have noticed the shift in my mood.
“What you thinking about?”
“Honestly?” I batted my lashes.
“Uh yes. Since when do we not tell the truth?”
“Can you handle the truth though, Rae?”
“Okay, I see where this is going. Drama, huh?”
“No,” I looked out the window. “I’m just thinking about all of the days and nights in this office.” She nodded her head. “We’ve done so much.”
“And now it’s coming to an end. But for the better, right?” She questioned. “We're gonna still be cool regardless.”
“Yea. Besides, I need to focus on my baby.”
“Right,” she sighed. “I am happy and proud of you Koi.”
“Thanks.” We talked about the transition I was making from being a hurt woman to a soon to be mother who was choosing herself. Rae brought up the fact that I have grown while figuring out who I was outside of a relationship. For a minute I sat with that statement.
“What about you? You’re newly single, living in your truth.”
“I know. It’s been hard and some days are better than others. But after my mother’s death, I just really needed to sit with myself. She died not knowing the real me.”
“Yep. And now you don’t have to hide yourself and you actually look so much happier. Better, if that can be said.”
“Umm hmm. You know you still got a lil crush on me,” she laughed out loud before continuing. It’s fine, the feeling is mutual, but I respect where we are too much to blur the lines again.”
“Truth. But anyway, whew. Can you believe it? A baby and he or she is healthy.”
“It’s your time Koi. Don’t let your fears hinder your pregnancy experience.
You deserve to be happy in this phase of your life.
” Rae still being able to drop gems on me while healing as well was something I’d never understand.
While I was being a bitch to her and Roman, they both were making sure I knew who I was.
After the session, we hugged for a brief moment as she handed me a folder of my notes she made. She told me to read them when I was home and needed some laughs.
I sat in my car for a few moments before I drove in the direction of Roman’s hotel.
He was staying in the Marriott where we met.
As distant as I was with him. He made it a point to keep me up to date on a day to day of his life.
So, when I pulled up to the hotel, I headed straight to the rooftop bar after making sure I looked cute.
Melissa was at the front, greeting me with a smile. After the last incident, she didn’t want any trouble with Roman. I stepped on the elevator, giving myself a pep talk. My stomach was flipping as the butterflies fluttered.
I couldn’t figure out for the life of me why my baby father had me blushing as if I didn’t let him slut me out for months.
“Anyone sitting here?” I asked from behind him. Roman turned around, a smirk on his face as his locs hung down, giving him more of a rugged look. His eyes dragged over my body.
“You look good, girl.” He pulled me in for a tight hug. “I wasn’t expecting you. Is everything okay?”
“Yea. I honestly just missed you and wanted to come see you, if it’s no problem.”
Roman ran his tongue over his teeth. “You know your fine ass can come see me whenever you want. Did you eat?”
“I did earlier. I just want to sit with you and talk. That’s all. I’m not hungry.”
“Hmm.” He pulled out the chair next to him, helping me sit. “What you want to talk about?”
“I finished therapy today, and I came to realize that I’ve been unappreciative and just outright mean to you, and you don’t deserve that.
I was hurting for a long time, and I took it out on you, but I blame myself because I didn’t give myself time to heal in between trying to be outside after a heartbreak, and now we are here, and I’m carrying our blessing.
” I stopped to place his hand on my stomach.
“I’m sorry, and I’m ready to be a woman and say that,” I laughed nervously to keep from hopping down and running away.
“I love this vulnerable side of you. I told you, I see you, and I’m here for a long time, not just a good time. Yea we came about in a crazy ass way but from the first night I laid eyes on you downstairs, I knew you were gonna be mine.”
“Let me find out you trapped me.”
“I didn’t, but the timing was perfect,” he shrugged, “you know how they say when two people mesh and shit just happens organically? Well, that’s us.”
“You just think you know it all and got it all covered, huh?” I looked at him with lust filled eyes.
“Nah., I know the young man I was and that wasn’t it, and I became the old man I wanted to become for the woman who deserved it. Simple. I used to be a knucklehead but for the right woman, the man will come correct.”
“Umm hmm, you are just so damn smooth, give me a kiss. I miss that.” Roman kissed me, adding tongue.
All the “fuck you’s” and “I hate you’s” was soon turning into “I love you.” I pulled away, biting down on my lip.
“I’m already pregnant, stop trying to seduce me out here on these people's rooftops.”
“Shid, all that means is we can have some nasty ass fun with no scares.”
“You gonna stop trying to get in my pants.”
“Baby girl, go on and lift that dress up for me and stop playing.” He told the bartender to charge his room, popped me on my ass, and led me onto the elevator. “You gonna be my woman or just my baby mama who occasionally wants a dick?”
“Are we ready for that?”
“We already survived the worst of the test. Let me show you how a real man treats his woman with no marriage in the mix.”
“I think I like that.”
For two days I lay under Roman. Clingy wasn’t the word for how I had become. Wherever he went, I wanted to tag along. But today I needed to go home, change, and head to my mother’s house for her small gathering for her birthday.
“So, you leaving me, huh?” I stood in between Roman’s legs while he sat on the stool. I ran my hands through his locs, pushing them out of his face to look at him.
“You can just come with me. I wouldn’t mind.” My hands were now around his neck. “Besides, you get a proper introduction.”
“I know, but you know I got my Godson's game today or I’d be with you.”
“Right. I keep forgetting.” In my feelings, I tried to hide the fact that I was salty.
“I’ll come right after. Stop trippin’, lil mama.” He lifted my chin. “You so damn spoiled. Get dressed, and I’ll have the driver drop you off.”
“Okayyyy daddy.” I stuck out my tongue. “Do we have time for a quickie or nah?”
“Bend that ass over. I’m gonna ask these doctors why you so damn horny, too.” He cut his eyes at me.
“If you won’t do it-”
“You lucky you are carrying my seed, or I’d hem your little ass up.”
“But I love you, babe.”
“Go get ready, you ain’t getting this dick til later. And I love you too.” He playfully pushed me towards the bedroom.
I was out the door within an hour. The orange baby doll dress I opted for wrapped around my belly perfectly. Five months and glowing, I pulled my curls into a half up, half down hairstyle. Roman treated me to a black Chanel pouch and the matching slides.
I did my best not to waddle as I walked towards the door. “I’m leaving,” I yelled out.
“Wait, do not touch that damn door.” Roman ran towards the door and opened it. He walked me downstairs to where his driver was, kissed me, and watched until we drove off.
I was awakened by the driver when we arrived. Caught off guard, I wiped the drool from the side of my mouth. Mad, I had gone to sleep that fast.
“Thanks.” I got out of the car just as Marcel was coming down the block, pushing the baby stroller.
“Wow. Look at you.” He stopped right in front of me. His son was sleeping, looking just how Marcel used to look when he was sleeping. A wave of emotion hit me.
“Yea.” I looked away. “Excuse me.” I tried to walk by.
“Is that my baby? Are you hiding a pregnancy from me?”
“Marcel, move. I am five months. We ain’t fuck in a long time, so no, this is not your baby!” I yelled out, frustrated.
“Yea aight. You bitches will lie and then pop up trying to get something from me.” I didn’t expect the hostility from him. He was the one who did me wrong and then chased me down as if I was the fuck up.
The driver hopped out of the car, coming to my side to see if I was okay.
“Another one? Oh, so you really showing your true colors, huh? A bounce around just like me,” he chuckled.
“Do you need me to call Roman, miss?” He asked, grilling Marcel.
“No. He isn’t worth it. I’m going upstairs,” I turned to him before trying to walk around Marcel, when he grabbed my arm, forcibly pulling me back.
“Don’t walk away from me when I’m talking to you.”
“Get off of me.” We both were tugging before I finally broke free of his grasp. By the time I was free, Roman’s driver was up in Marcel’s face.
“You better go on and move around before I make an example out of you, playboy.” He moved the blazer he wore to the side displaying the steel. I didn’t realize that Roman had hired an armed driver for me until today. When he said he wanted me protected at all times, this was not what I expected.
“Ima see you, Koi. And if I find out that’s my seed, Ima fuck your ass up and can’t nobody save you!” I swallowed hard. My heart raced, and my hands shook. My nerves were shot.
“Thanks,” was all I said before I got upstairs to my parents’ house. I didn’t stop at the door; I headed straight towards the bathroom, looking at my reflection and inspecting my sore arm.
Roman’s name popped up on my phone. I expected him to check in since I knew the car had GPS attached to his app.
“Hel, hello,” I tried to sound as calm as I could.
“Do I gotta come and beat the fuck out that muthafucka? Answer this FaceTime. Let me see your fucking arm.” Scared shit less, I answered the call, immediately turning the camera towards my arm. “Yea, I’m coming. And you gonna tell me everywhere he hangs out at.” Roman boasted. “Let me look at you.”
Blinking back the tears, I swallowed. “I’m okay.”
“Bullshit. Why was you crying then? And why the fuck I gotta hear this from my driver and not you?”
Unable to control myself, I sobbed into the phone. “Babe, I was gonna tell you, I just got in the house. I swear.”
“You should have called me right away. That nigga is unstable, and you are pregnant!” The vein in his forehead and neck was now on full display.
“I’m sorry,” I tried to whisper when a knock came at the bathroom door.
“Go talk to ya’ family, I’m on my way.” The call ended.
“Sorry, I was on the phone.”
“What is Marcel doing out in front of the building? He drunk?” I didn’t know why he was acting the way he was, but he needed to leave now if he wanted to live. Sicily looked just as puzzled as I was.
I stepped out of the bathroom just as Duke cut his eyes at me before asking if I was still fucking him. As embarrassing as the question was in front of our parents, I told him no. Duke nodded before he left the apartment. I fought my way to make it downstairs as they were having words.
Duke looked over as he mushed Marcel away. His son was still in the stroller, pushed off to the side, sucking on a pacifier. I ignored everything going on around me as I ran to his aid.
Roman showed up, hopping out of the car, fist balled before he landed a punch to Marcel’s jaw.
“Fuck you thought?”
Stunned, I wanted to leave the baby and go stop Roman from fucking up Marcel, but I couldn’t.
“Koi, go in the house. Now!” I didn’t bother putting up a fight. When Roman was pissed, he was a different type of man. I pushed the baby with me to my parents’ house.
“Ma, I’m sorry this is all happening on your birthday.”
“Chile, please. I hope Mr. Roman breaks his kneecaps, putting his hands on you. Is he insane? So, no, I’m not mad. Fuck him up!” She boasted before looking down at the stroller. “And him, I’m sorry he has the parents he has. I’m gonna call up Belinda to come and get him.”
“Okay.” Exhausted, I lifted up the baby to make sure he didn’t need a pamper change before he left.
A soft side came out of me while I tended to him. Last year you couldn’t get me to even think about the thought of him, but since I was experiencing my own pregnancy, I acted differently these days.
I sat down on the sofa, put my head back before letting him play on the floor when I got a slight cramp in my stomach.
“Ma, I just had a cramp.” I popped my head up. “What if something is wrong?”
“Breathe, relax, this time will be different.” She already knew the level of anxiety I had when it came to the changes in my body during pregnancy.
“I can’t, no, mommy,” I panicked.
“I’m going to get Roman. Do not panic, it will only make it worse.”
“Okay, okay.” I didn’t hear anything that woman said because I went right to panicking.
“C’mon. We are going to the hospital. You’re gonna be fine.” Everything was happening so fast; all the while, I couldn’t help but notice the blood on Roman’s fist.
“Are you okay, babe?”
“This is about you and my baby. My concern is y’all. Don’t focus on me.”