Chapter 36
Chapter Thirty-six
Zara
The barn’s fan blasted directly onto my overheated face, cooling the sweat on my skin leftover from a long trail ride. Dust clung to my jeans and the edges of my boots, and my fingers were creaky from hours of holding on to my saddle.
The mare I’d ridden leaned into the brush I ran along her flank, one back hoof cocked, her eyelids half-closed like she might fall asleep standing up.
Behind me, Henrik made a dramatic groaning sound.
“Remind me why I signed up for this job.”
I didn’t turn around, smiling to myself. “You love it and can’t get enough.”
“These are lies. I’ve never loved anything about this job.” Something clattered loudly. Probably a brush hitting the floor. “These horses are getting heavier. I am sure of it.”
“That’s because you let yours eat half the trail.”
“That is a lie too,” he said indignantly. “Only the green parts.”
I switched hands to brush down my mare’s shoulder. “Have you heard back from the resort in Switzerland?”
There was a pause. “They offered me the job, but I am weighing my options.”
“Really?” I finally turned to look at him. “I thought you were dying to work there this winter.”
“Mmm. Maybe.” He shrugged, not meeting my gaze. “There might be something better.”
This was strange. My entire first month at the ranch, Henrik had been talking nonstop about his next guide job in Switzerland. He’d dreamed of working there and finally had a way in.
“What’s with the switch up?”
He waved me off. “I might be tired and need a rest. I’m thinking about it.”
“Okay. Keep your secrets.”
He hummed. “I will, thank you. And you, liebchen? How are your prospects? Will you soon be chained to a desk like a boring person?”
“Quite possibly. I have an interview next week.”
It wasn’t something I wanted to think about. Just what I needed to do. My mother had been right. The job sounded like something I could handle, but when it came down to it, anything would truly be better than working with Jackson and his brothers.
Scheduling that interview put me one step closer to leaving Sugar Brush, though. And Cormac. Which was why I wasn’t thinking about it.
Henrik stepped into the aisle beside me, his boots scuffing the concrete. “Next time we go on a shorter trail, okay?”
I huffed. “Next time you complain less.”
“Impossible.”
I laughed softly, giving my horse a firm pat. “You’re impossible.”
“Impossibly lovable, right?”
Footsteps sounded at the far end of the barn, and Javier stepped into view. I straightened, brushing my hands against my thighs as I glanced down the aisle.
“Hey, Zara.” He nodded to Henrik. “Henrik.”
I waved, and Henrik ran a hand through his blond hair.
“Hello, Javier,” he crooned. “You’re looking well this afternoon.”
Javier stopped in his tracks, and it might’ve been a trick of the light, but I swore his cheeks flushed.
“Uh…you as well, Henrik. Good ride?”
Henrik crossed his thick arms over his chest and beamed. “The best. I love long, hard rides.”
Javier’s jaw went slack for a fraction of a second before he cleared his throat and poured all his attention on me. “Good. That’s good. Zara, do you have a minute? I’d like to talk to you about something.”
“Sure,” I said. “I just need to finish up.”
He nodded once. “I’ll be in the office.”
I waited until he disappeared then whirled around to face Henrik. “What was that?”
He pointedly examined his nails, buffing them against his shirt as if they weren’t filthy dirty. “I have no idea what you could mean.”
I walked up to him and gave him a shove. “You made Javier blush, Henrik. Are you…is he…?”
His eyes lit up like the Fourth of July. “You saw him blush too, right? Isn’t it cute? Oh my god, he’s—” He bit down on his lip, cutting himself off.
I jabbed a finger at him. “Are you and Javier having a thing?”
He nodded toward the door. “Don’t you have to go? He’s waiting for you.”
My hands parked on my hips. “I wouldn’t want to keep your salt-and-pepper daddy waiting, would I?”
This time, Henrik blushed, telling me everything I needed to know. Before I left to talk to Javier, I said, “I promise I won’t say anything to anyone.”
He looked left and right. “Anything about what?” Then, quieter, he said, “Thank you, liebchen.”
That night, Cormac fed me, made me come, then gave me the stars.
All I had to do was tell him how much I loved the sky at night here, and he sprang into action, moving cushions and blankets onto the small deck at the back of the guesthouse.
The way he cared for me was incredible to me, and like second nature to him. I was tumbling constantly, headfirst, wild and crazy. Falling and falling in love with him. I couldn’t help it. It was inconvenient, but there was no way to stop it.
Not that I wanted to.
Cormac made it so easy. We already had our rich history and a once-in-a-lifetime deep friendship. But I was seeing another side of him. He was showing me what it would be like to be his. And it was…so beautiful.
We’d started our stargazing lying side by side, Cormac pointing out constellations and planets, things his granddad had shown him as a kid. Eventually, he rolled onto me, his head on my stomach, his arms and legs slung over me. My own Cormac-shaped blanket.
Absently, I threaded my fingers through his thick hair as I counted the stars above us. Frustration curdled my gut. I didn’t have enough time to count them all. Not enough time to do anything I wanted. And each star I counted meant there was less and less of it.
“I thought you’d relax out here,” he murmured against my belly. “I hear your thoughts churning.”
“Just counting the stars.”
And thinking about my conversation with Javier. The impossibility of it. Wishing he’d never said anything at all. I was tempted, oh so tempted.
“It’s more than that.” He lifted his head, his forehead crinkling as he looked at me. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.” I wasn’t ready to share what Javier and I had talked about. Not until I came to a decision. Maybe that wasn’t fair, but it was the way it had to be.
I ran my fingers along his cheek and jaw. “So cute.”
I caught his mouth curving as he dropped his head back down to my stomach. “You say ‘cute.’ I hear ‘devastatingly handsome.’”
“That too,” I agreed. “Definitely that too.”
He hummed, snuggling his body into mine. It was perfect. The stars and Cormac all around me.
So, of course, I had to go and poke at it. I couldn’t let perfection stand without trying to pick it apart to see what was underneath.
“What do you think it would take for you to love me again?”
He went so still, he stopped breathing. “What?”
“I guess that’s probably a silly thing to ask. How could you know? I just…I keep thinking about how I missed it. Something so great, and I had no idea. And the thing is, I don’t know if I was in love with you back then, but I’m pretty much head over heels for you now.”
“Head over heels,” he repeated roughly.
“Yeah.” I continued sliding my fingers through his hair as I blinked up at the sky.
“I do love you, Mac. I always have. But I’ve fallen in love with you.
I can be patient. I’m not demanding anything from you.
But I hope you can get back to the place where you’re in love with me too.
If there’s something I can do to reassure you, to help you along, I want to do it.
I want you to feel safe falling in love with me again. ”
He said nothing for so long, fear rose in my chest. I was certain I’d screwed up irrevocably and he was about to tell me there was nothing I could do or say that would make him feel safe.
I was close to launching into orbit when he finally lifted his head and pushed up on his elbow, looking down at me.
His eyes glimmered in the moonlight. “There’s nothing you need to do.”
“Oh.”
He took my chin between his fingers, not allowing me to turn away from him. “Because I do love you, Zara.”
“You do? Again?”
He paused, sucking in a deep breath, his gaze never leaving mine. “Still. Always. It’s never waned. To tell the truth, I haven’t tried very hard for it to. You are the love of my life. That’s just a fact.”
The backs of my eyes burned, and my nose twitched, but I refused to cry. Not now.
“I love you,” I whispered. “Love love.”
His exhale was shaky, and his eyelids lowered halfway. “Never thought I’d hear you say that.”
“I’m sorry it took me so long to get here, but I am. Right here, Maccie. With you. I love you very much.”
His forehead dropped to mine, his warm breath fanning across my lips. “Thank Christ, sweetheart. Everything else is details, as long as we agree on loving each other.”
I circled my arms around his neck, pulling him so most of his weight was on my chest. It made it hard for my lungs to inflate, but I didn’t care. I just wanted him as close as I could get him.
“We agree,” I said softly, my lips next to his ear. “We so agree.”
And since neither of us had put on many clothes after making love earlier, it didn’t take much to get rid of the little we had. Skin on skin, we pressed together, kissing like we had all the time in the world.
And maybe we did.
It might not always look like this. We might live far apart and only have short visits and long phone calls, but if we loved each other this way, distance wouldn’t matter. We could stretch this love a thousand miles then beyond to wrap it around the world if we had to.
I would have welcomed him inside me bare, but Cormac would never take a chance like that.
Not with me. He was always so careful with me.
So we just kissed and rocked against one another.
His mouth never tiring, never becoming sated from mine.
He sought me out each time he moved away, again and again.
My slick flesh slid over his swollen length as I held him so tight my muscles trembled. Eyes open, I stared up at the sky I’d missed almost as much as the man in my arms; I’d never experience another moment that would come close to touching this one.
Even if, by all rights, I hadn’t deserved it, his love for me had never died. Knowing that was as heady as it was terrifying. I needed to deserve it now.
“I’ll cradle it,” I said, my lips on his jaw. “I’ll hold it in the palm of my hand.”
Of course he understood me right away.
“You do,” he replied, sucking my earlobe. “You don’t know it, but you always have.”
Tipping my head back, I cupped his cheeks. “I love you and your beautiful heart.”
He shuddered, shoulders going tense. “I don’t know how to hear that yet.”
“Then I’ll keep saying it until you do.”
His mouth covered mine, so I said it in my head.
In the way I touched him and ground my core against his.
Drawing him toward pleasure. Making him feel as good as he would allow.
I desperately wanted him inside me, but I didn’t push.
His needs mattered just as much as mine, and it was important I showed him that.
He reached between us, rolling my clit under the pad of his finger and lowered his mouth to my breast, sucking greedily. I wrapped my legs around his hips and followed the rise of his tide until we were panting, hot and needy.
My mind was a hazy maze, but I managed to keep my words clear as a bell. Whispers of “I love you so much” floated up to the stars like a wish. Even when he brought me over, the cries I released were his name and love and promises of my heart belonging to him.
It didn’t take long for Cormac to follow. Hot spurts of pleasure coated my belly and his when he collapsed onto me.
We held each other through it. Naked and spent, the wide-open sky above us.
He nuzzled into my hair. “Say it again.”
I rolled to my side, bringing us eye to eye. It was dark, but the moon was bright enough for me to see him as clearly as I should have all along.
“I love you, Cormac Kelly. I really do.”
His eyes threatened to close, but he kept them open and pinned on me. “You have no idea…never thought I’d hear that. I thought I’d be in this alone. I’d accepted it.”
“You’re not.” I touched the patch of scruff beneath his bottom lip. “You’re never going to be alone in it again. I love you.”
His lips grazed mine. “About time.”
Then his mouth hitched in a smirky little grin, making me laugh.
I gave his shoulder a hard shove. “Shut up and tell me you love me too.”
That got a real laugh out of him. “I thought I didn’t have to say it back.”
“That was before. Now you do.”
Still chuckling, he scooped me into his chest and buried his face in my hair. “I love you, you stubborn, gorgeous woman. Now I’m going to take you inside, clean you up, and show you just how much.”
“Again?” I squealed as he climbed to his feet with me in his arms.
“Still.” He hoisted me over his shoulder and smacked my butt. “Always.”
Always. That sounded like almost enough.