Chapter Ten #4
The following morning, she dressed quickly in jeans and a tucked-in T-shirt, tugged on her boots, grabbed her purse, and headed out to her SUV.
The morning sun painted the pines gold as she slid behind the wheel.
Shifting into reverse, she nearly missed seeing Alyssa stepping onto her own porch, then jogged down the steps to her vehicle.
“Hi!” Ryan called, lowering the window.
“Hey, Ryan. I’m going to breakfast at the house. Want to join me?”
Ryan shook her head. “No, thanks. I’m going to tell the guys goodbye and hopefully see Seth.”
“Ryan, are you sure about this? I don’t want to see you get hurt.”
“If I don’t go now, I never will. I can do it.”
“I hope you do stay.”
She forced a smile. “Depends on Seth. I told my boss I was staying if I can.”
“I hope so. I’ll see you later, Ryan.”
“Have a good breakfast,” Ryan said as Alyssa waved and drove off.
Ryan steered her SUV down the gravel drive toward the main road. As she sat at the road, she wondered if she was doing the right thing. What if he was pissed that she showed up?
“Just tell him you wanted to tell the guys goodbye, then get your ass in the car and go.”
Ryan followed the winding road until pulling into Seth’s driveway and his log home came into view, dark cedar logs weathered by sun and snow, but nothing took away from the beauty of the place. She parked on the drive, heart pounding so hard she could feel it.
Chapter Ten
After parking her SUV, Ryan got out and glanced around. It seemed so quiet. She turned to face the barn, then headed in that direction. When she entered, she let her eyes adjust and smiled as she remembered to do it.
Walking along the barn’s aisle, she saw Pearl in her stall and walked to her. Ryan put her hand through the bars and rubbed her soft nose.
“Oh, Pearl, you beautiful girl, I will miss you so much,” she whispered as a tear rolled down her cheek.
“She’ll miss you too.”
Ryan turned to see Ringo standing behind her. She hugged him, smiling when his arms wrapped around her.
“I’ll miss you too, Ringo. I came to tell you all goodbye.”
“We’re going to miss you around here, Ms. Carroll,” he said.
“You can call me Ryan, you know.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
She looked toward the barn doors to see Micky, Red, Spurs, and Buck, entering. They all circled around her as she hugged them. She looked at each face.
“Where’s Cull?”
“In his office,” Ringo said, nodding his head toward a door with a paned window.
“I need to see him.” Ryan smiled at the men with tears in her eyes.
“I will miss you all.” She shook her head as she crossed to the other side of the barn and knocked on the door.
When he called out to enter, she opened the door and stepped inside.
Cull sat at his desk but didn’t look up until she cleared her throat.
When he did, he did a doubletake then a grin lifted his lips as he pushed his chair back, stood, strode around the desk and pulled her into a hug.
“Tell me you’re back,” he said.
Ryan stepped back, shaking her head. “I couldn’t leave without telling you all goodbye. I pushed my flight back so I could.”
“Damn, Ryan. I was hoping you were staying.”
She wiped a tear from her cheek. “He doesn’t want me to stay.”
“Sure, he does. He just won’t ask. He’s too afraid that if you did stay, you’d regret it and end up leaving him.”
“I wouldn’t.”
“I believe that, but unfortunately, I’m not the one you have to convince.”
“Where is he?”
“Probably in his house now. He’s been training like crazy. He wears himself out, so he’ll be able to sleep.”
“I know that feeling.” She walked toward the door.
“Where are you going?”
“I’m going to see him.”
“Ryan, you’re just going to get hurt. He wants you to go, so he’s going to say anything to make sure that happens.”
“I’m used to it. I have to try, Cull.”
Cull folded his arms, leaned back against the desk, and stared at her, then nodded.
“Alright. Good luck.”
“I’ll need it. Thank you.” She smiled. “If I have to go, just know that I will miss seeing that handsome face of yours.”
He smirked. “I’ll miss you too.”
She opened the door, stepped into the aisle, then headed out the doors. Gathering courage, Ryan climbed the steps, and took a slow breath, raised her hand to knock, each rap a promise she could barely believe she was making.
When the door opened, all she could do was stare at the man. He frowned when he saw her, then he folded his arms across his broad chest and stared at her.
“Seth…” She wasn’t sure what to say to him.
“What are you doing here? I thought you were leaving today.”
“I pushed my flight back to tomorrow.”
“You didn’t answer my question,” Seth said.
“Could I come in?”
Seth sighed but pulled the door open wider and waved her into the kitchen. When he slammed it shut, she winced.
She watched as he walked to the counter, leaned against it, folded his arms and looked at her.
“You shouldn’t have changed your flight,” he said, and a pain shot through her heart.
“I thought we could—”
“Could what?”
“I could stay. If you would just ask me, Seth. I’d stay.”
“For how long?” he snapped.
“For as long as you want me to.”
“Ryan, you just think you want to stay. Even if I asked you to stay, a day would come when you’d go, and we both know it.”
“I don’t know it! I would stay with you for as long as you want, Seth.”
“As long as I want. It’s not me who makes that decision, Ryan. It’s you. Your life is in California. Mine is here.” He pushed away from the counter, strode toward her, then stopped within a foot of her.
“I don’t want you to stay,” he growled. “Not when I know you’ll eventually leave.”
“My life could be in Montana too. All you have to do is ask me to stay.” She blinked back tears, but one escaped down her cheek.
Seth shook his head. “I will not ask you to stay. You just don’t fucking get it. I was something different for you, it wasn’t serious. Not on your part. You just wanted a cowboy. I am not your type at all.” He raked his fingers through his hair. “You should have taken that earlier flight.”
“Seth—”
“You forget that I’ve been here before. Some city girl thinks she’s ready to move to Montana, find a cowboy, and then she realizes that it’s nothing like she thought it would be, and neither is he.” Seth sighed. “You’d hate it here.”
“No, I wouldn’t because you’re here,” Ryan’s voice softened, her eyes searching his face for any sign of yielding.
Seth shook his head, his dark hair falling across his forehead.
“I’m not willing to have you stay when I know damn well you’d end up leaving,” he snarled, then walked to the door, his boots heavy against the wooden floor.
He yanked it open and motioned for her to leave with a sharp jerk of his head.
Ryan followed him, her heart hammering against her ribs. She reached past him, catching the scent of his aftershave, and shoved the door closed with enough force to rattle the window.
“I think we’ve been here before,” she said, planting her trembling hands on her hips, her knuckles white with tension.
“Yes, and just like the last time, you shut the door thinking we had something to straighten out. We don’t.” His voice dropped to a dangerous whisper that slithered down her spine. “It was bad enough when I thought you left earlier, but here you are. You don’t belong here.”
“I do! I belong with you,” she shouted, her voice cracking on the last word.
“For how fucking long, Ryan? Until you decide this is not the life you wanted after all? Then you leave and break my heart... again.” He ran his fingers through his dark hair.
“Seth—”
“I should never have touched you. I knew you’d be too easy to fall for and no matter how you... think you feel about me, this isn’t the place for you.” His jaw clenched, a muscle twitching beneath two-day stubble.
“I know how I feel. There’s no thinking about it!” Her fingernails dug crescents into her palms.
“Just go, Ryan. Just fucking go.” He yanked the door open, and motioned for her to leave, his arm rigid as iron as he held it open.
She stared at him as hot tears carved paths down her flushed cheeks, catching on her lips with their salt. She knew by the glacial look in his once-warm eyes that he wasn’t going to give in.
“I’m not saying goodbye to you, Seth, but I will say this, I love you. I always will.” She stared at him to see him place his hands on his hips and hang his head. He didn’t say anything, refusing to look at her.
Shaking her head, she walked out of the door, and when it slammed behind her with a finality, she ran down the steps, looked toward the barn to see Cull, Red, Micky, Spurs, Ringo, and Buck standing in the doorway.
She shook her head, opened the door, slid into her SUV and drove away, tires spitting gravel.
Glancing into the rearview mirror, she saw the men enter the barn and she couldn’t wait to get back to the solitude of the cabin and have a good, long, ugly cry.
****
Later, Seth sank into his recliner, the chair exhaling beneath his weight as he pushed the footrest up with a mechanical groan.
He stared into the empty stone hearth for hours.
“Damn you for not leaving,” he muttered, his voice rough in the silent house.
He shook his head, the motion slow and heavy.
He’d been repeating that mantra since Ryan’s taillights disappeared down his driveway this morning.
Was any of this worth it if he had no one to share it with?
No wife’s laughter echoing off the high ceilings, no children’s muddy boots lined up by the door after learning to ride in the south pasture.
Why bother building something that would stand hollow as an abandoned silo without Ryan beside him?