Chapter Thirteen A Therapeutic Visit
~ Casey ~
‘Well, well, well! If it isn’t little Miss Horny Breadstick!’ The voice rang out loud and clear over the din of animated conversation in the White Lion pub, where Casey and Alex had settled for dinner.
Casey furrowed her brow. Could it really be? If so, this could be an extreme, if unexpected stroke of luck. A sign even. She craned her neck to see better.Alex gave her a quizzical look, and the familiar voice shouted out again before she had a chance to say anything to Alex.
‘Rodge! Look who’s here! Look, Rodge!’
The owner of the voice was approaching their table, and James and Rodge were upon them.
‘Casey, you gorgeous thing! How lovely to see you!’ Rodge bent down and air-kissed her like they were long lost friends.
‘I’m having a really strong déjà vu,’ James exclaimed cheerfully. ‘Fancy meeting you here! Mind if we join you?’
Casey grinned at his exuberance. ‘What, even though I’ve no suggestive food items in front of me?’
She caught Alex frowning and grasped his hand reassuringly. Before she could explain herself, Rodge and James had pulled up chairs, and Rodge got saucy with her food.
‘I don’t know,’ he said, delicately manipulating one of her sausages with the help of her knife and fork. ‘There’s a lot to be said for a traditional meat-and-two-veg arrangement. Don’t you think?’
Casey dissolved in a fit of giggles while Alex looked on confused.
‘Would someone care to explain to me what you’re going on about?’ he demanded.
‘Peter’s Place,’ Casey hiccupped. ‘Remember I told you about the restaurant in Brighton?’
‘Yes. And? What’s that got to do with . . . upstanding sausages?’
‘Everything,’ James deadpanned. ‘You’ll simply have to go sometime.’
‘Alex,’ Casey finally managed. ‘This is James and Rodge. Remember I told you about the two very nice gentlemen who saved me from myself?’
Alex’s brow cleared. ‘Oh, indeed. Yes, I remember.’ He smiled. ‘Nice to meet you both.’
‘Oh, darling, nice to meet you, too!’ James poked Alex gently on the arm. ‘What brings you to our local watering hole? And how are you both?’
Casey coughed. Of course he would cut right to the chase.
‘This is our local too. And we’re fine,’ Alex said innocently. ‘Thank you.’
‘Really?’ James shot them both a probing look. His eyes had that penetrating quality, and Casey could feel herself blushing.
‘Same as before,’ she qualified. ‘And you never told me that you were based in Notting Hill!’
‘Dear girl, you never asked,’ Rodge chuckled.
‘Oh dear lord,’ James said at the same time, looking horrified and ignoring the geographic part of the discussion. ‘We’ve got to fix that, and pronto. You know I said I could help you.’
Alex looked confused again.
‘Err . . . you know how I said one of the sweet blokes was a sex therapist?’ Casey stage-whispered. ‘Meet James. James is convinced he can help us.’
Alex shook his head. ‘I don’t think so, mate. Sorry. No offence.’
James narrowed his eyes but said nothing. Casey jumped in again. ‘You see, we’ve actually, this very afternoon, been to see a relationship counsellor, and it was a bit of a disaster.’
‘A relationship counsellor?’ James managed to make it sound like a dirty word. ‘What an utter waste of your time and energy.’
‘She did manage to unite us, though, in a manner of speaking,’ Casey offered, before relating the gist of their therapy session. ‘We legged it out of there laughing like naughty teenagers. Which was what brought us here.’
‘Good! That’s good,’ James pronounced. ‘There’s insight in there. You haven’t lost your spark, I can see that. Oh guys, I really wish you’d let me work with you.’
Alex shook his head again. ‘It’s not my cup of tea. Sorry. Really.’
Rodge spoke up. He dropped all his affectations and used a calm, low, very reasonable voice. One that, Casey could see, struck a note with Alex.
‘It really isn’t what you think,’ Rodge explained. ‘It’s not dodgy. You won’t be watching porn together. Well, not unless you want to.’
‘Been there, done that, didn’t work,’ Alex interrupted testily.
Rodge inclined his head. ‘Fascinating. Why don’t you go and see James properly to tell him in more detail everything you’ve tried? You might find he has some other suggestions, things you two may decide to try on your own, at your own pace, if and when — and only if and when — you fancy. The whole point of therapy is to liberate you from the perception that sex is a duty to be performed.’
‘But I don’t think of it that way,’ Alex protested. Casey could see the tendons in his neck standing out, and she knew Alex was getting tenser by the second.
‘Maybe you didn’t used to, but I think you’ve very much got to that place now,’ James observed gently. ‘It’s written all over your face.’
‘It is?’ Alex was aghast. ‘You can see my attitude to . . . to sex on my face?’
‘And in your body language, the way you’ve crossed your legs and your arms. You’re defending yourself.’
‘I hate being analysed,’ Alex spat, and Casey shivered. He did indeed hate being analysed, and James had committed a big mistake. Or had he?
‘It’s an occupational hazard,’ James apologised quickly. ‘I can’t turn it off. But I wouldn’t want to analyse you formally, not unless you both consent. That would be unethical. As a friend, I’d like to think about whether I can offer more suggestions. That’s all. No analysis. No funny talk. Only ideas.’
Casey held her breath. Alex frowned and closed his eyes. He breathed in and out. Casey thought she would burst with nerves, but suddenly, Alex’s face cleared.
‘Just ideas?’ he repeated.
‘Just ideas,’ James confirmed. ‘Nothing more, nothing less, unless you say so.’
Alex nodded slowly. ‘Okay. We could do with some ideas, because we’re all out of ideas of our own. But only ideas.’
‘Only ideas,’ James repeated once more. Casey admired his saintly patience. Maybe that was an occupational hazard too.
‘All right. When?’ Now that he had made the decision, Alex was all business. Casey started breathing again, hardly able to believe that they were going to take this step.
‘Next week? Thursday afternoon, perhaps? You can come to my practice on Harley Street, or we can meet here. Or at your house. Wherever you’re comfortable.’
‘Here,’ Casey cut in before Alex could reply. She instinctively knew that the formal surroundings of a ‘therapy place’ would put Alex off again, and he certainly wouldn’t want to do it at home.
‘Here’s fine,’ James agreed amiably. ‘Whatever makes you happy. Shall we say three o’clock, between the lunchtime and evening crowds?’
‘That’d be fine,’ Alex agreed. Casey took his hand under the table and held it tight.
‘Thanks,’ she said simply. ‘We’re getting in the spirit of squeezing the moment.’
‘Seizing,’ Rodge suggested mildly.
‘Well, yes. Seizing,’ Alex replied. ‘But we like squeezing better.’
James beamed. ’Me too. Let’s squeeze our moment for what it’s worth next week. But for now, how about some more food? And I hear the karaoke is starting up later — how about it? Are you game?’
‘I can’t sing,’ Casey lied. She loathed being caught out at karaoke. People always thought she was a show-off.
‘That’s true,’ Alex confirmed blithely. ‘She can’t hold a tune to save her life.’
‘Even better.’ Rodge rubbed his hands in glee. ‘A karaoke virgin. We’ll get rid of your inhibitions.’
Casey and Alex exchanged a glance. Casey nodded slightly as if to say, ‘go on, why not.’
‘Sure. Why not,’ Alex agreed on her behalf. ‘But I guarantee you won’t know what hit you.’
* * *
~ Alex ~
‘We can still rearrange this and go to the White Lion.’ Casey’s voice broke into his thoughts as they stood outside the imposing building that housed James’s Harley Street practice. James’s shingle — if you could call a highly-polished and engraved brass plaque a ‘shingle’ — simply stated his name: James Eckroyd.
‘No, it’s fine,’ Alex croaked, although he was, in fact, having second thoughts. At the end of their rather spectacular karaoke evening with James and Rodge, he had changed his mind about where he wanted to meet with James for their non-consultation. The pub had no longer seemed appropriate. After all, you never knew who was listening in to your conversation. So he had suggested that they visit James’s practice instead.
Now that the moment of truth was upon him, he was having doubts. Would there be bondage toys lying about in the waiting room? Would there be soft porn playing on the TV? Or would there be large potted plants for couples to hide behind? He cringed. Would it be really sleazy?
Casey seemed to sense his hesitation. ‘It’ll be fine,’ she offered. ‘Come on, let’s not keep James waiting.’
She took his hand and led him inside. The reversal of roles compared to last week wasn’t lost on Alex. How was it possible that his wife had been so reluctant to see a harmless counsellor but was apparently so unfazed about seeing a — Alex gulped — sex therapist?
And all right, it had helped that he had already bonded with James on a personal level in the pub.
Bonded, indeed. Ha! Alex grinned to himself. Language got in the way if you had sex on the brain all of the time. But, yes, they had bonded, in a manner of speaking. James might be gay, but he certainly had his head screwed on the right way — screwed! — and the fact that he already knew the broad strokes — ack! — of their story would eliminate the need to recount it all again. Or so Alex hoped.
Nonetheless, this was a big step for him. He swallowed and braced himself.
Casey pressed the buzzer and announced their presence through the intercom. James’s voice greeted them immediately, and the door lock was released. Time to go in.
James’s practice was entirely different to what Alex had expected, and it was worlds apart from Bethany’s place. In fact, it was so unlike a doctor’s office that Alex instantly relaxed — which, he guessed, was probably the point.
They didn’t enter into a waiting area with a reception desk as he had expected. Instead, James greeted them by the door and ushered them into a very large and airy room that resembled a warehouse conversion: all polished floorboards, white walls with large framed art prints, and a wall entirely comprised of floor-to-ceiling windows. One side of the room housed a kitchen area where a shiny Gaggia was producing the most enticing scent of freshly perked coffee. Rock music was playing on the sound system — not too loud, but not subtly either. And even though it was only September, a small fire was going in the log burner on the far side of the room.
‘Wow, James!’ Casey burst out next to him. ‘I thought this was your practice. Do you live here?’
James laughed. ‘During the day, yes, more or less. I don’t go in for sterile environments, and I don’t like my couples to feel like patients. You’re my guests and my friends. Would you like coffee or tea? Something to eat, maybe?’
‘Coffee would be great,’ Casey replied instantly. Alex couldn’t quite raise a response yet. He was struggling to adjust to this new, unexpected reality and what it would mean to their ‘therapy’. To his immense relief, James didn’t push him but chatted on with Casey instead.
‘It’s a fabulous place,’ Casey was saying. ‘But what do you do if another couple turns up when you’re still mid-session?’
James smiled easily. ‘They don’t. I never overlap appointments. There’s always at least a half hour gap, so there’s plenty of time.’
‘You don’t have a receptionist?’
‘Not as such, no. But I do have an assistant who does my paperwork and my accounts. She’s in the proper office one floor up, but she doesn’t interact with my guests.’
‘Ah. Right.’ Casey smiled and sipped at her coffee.
Man, it smelled good.Alex realised that he would quite like one after all. He cleared his throat.
‘James, hi,’ he said with some effort. ‘Excuse my bad manners. You . . . well, you know that I’m finding this a bit difficult. But I’d love some coffee too. Sugar, no black.’
‘Sugar, no black,’ James repeated deadpan and busied himself at the coffee maker. He spoke over his shoulder as he worked. ‘I know you’re worried about coming along, which means it’s a great achievement that you’re here. Even if we do nothing else I’d like you to be at ease and relaxed.’ He turned around and handed Alex a cup. ‘Black, no sugar.’
‘Thanks.’
‘So how do you know we like rock music?’ Casey enquired. She had walked up to the window wall and was looking out into the back yard.
‘As I said,’ James replied softly. ‘I like to make my guests feel comfortable. That involves knowing who they are and what they like.’
‘Ah.’ Casey blushed.
‘Oh dear,’ Alex exclaimed. ‘And here we are needing to keep this quiet.’
James kept a steady face. ‘Of course your visit here is completely confidential. You can trust me.’
‘Of course. I’m sorry. It’s . . . it’s an occupational hazard.’ Alex tried for levity to lighten the situation. James grinned and motioned for Alex to sit.
‘Occupational hazard, yes. I know all about those, but you know that already.’
Alex sat, and James selected a seat diagonally opposite. Close, but not too close. Within line of sight, but not confrontational. Clever. Very clever, Alex thought.
‘How did you know?’ Casey joined them and sat next to Alex. She kicked off her shoes and curled her feet under her as if she was at home.
Alex saw that James noted the gesture but said nothing. Instead, he replied to Casey’s question.
‘About Blue Heart?’ He shrugged. ‘I had my suspicions after your botched attempt at giving a bad performance at the karaoke last week. Plus, of course, there was that media storm about a young rock couple caught in flagrante not too long ago . . .’
Casey winced. ‘That wasn’t what it looked like.’
James winked. ‘I wondered about that. More’s the pity! Anyway . . . So all of this rang a bell, and my assistant connected the dots when she created your record.’
‘A record?’ Alex broke in. ‘I thought we were . . . it was meant to be a chat. To talk about ideas. Plus . . .’ He coughed. ‘We haven’t . . . if . . . there’s no arrangement for . . .’
James raised his hands in a placating gesture. ‘Relax, Alex. You are here for a chat. As friends. I’m not charging you. But I still need to keep a record of who you are and what we achieve here. It’s a professional and ethical requirement.’
Alex was on the defensive once more. He couldn’t understand this man’s motivation. ‘But you’re a professional, you say. So this is your livelihood. Why are you wasting your time on us without charging?’
‘Alex!’ Casey hissed from next to him. She sounded annoyed and a little embarrassed, but he didn’t care.
‘It’s all right,’ James soothed. ‘It’s a fair question.’ He pointed to a small cluster of framed certificates on the kitchen wall. Alex had assumed they were fire evacuation instructions, but he now realised they were academic and professional qualifications.
‘I am an accredited counsellor and sex therapist,’ James explained. ‘But I also lecture at a medical college. Cognitive therapy and neuro-linguistic programming. The impact of perception and self-perception on emotions and physical capabilities.’ He paused for a moment.
‘Every now and then, I come across a really fascinating case that helps with my research in these fields. Yours is one of them.’ He pursed his lips and blew out a breath before continuing. ‘Whether or not you believe you’re cursed, something is inhibiting you, and that’s intriguing me.’
‘I—’ Alex didn’t know how to respond. He had expected a lot of things, but becoming a scientific guinea pig wasn’t one of them. He didn’t particularly relish the thought.
‘What would we have to do?’ Casey piped up.
‘Nothing. Well, apart from turning up for coffee every now and then and talking to me. I’ll do the rest. I want to figure out what’s inhibiting you. If I can help you, then I can help everybody.’ He gave a self-deprecating snort. ‘Or, at least, almost everybody, but if this is all too much, please feel free to leave and come back another day.’
‘No,’ Alex said quickly. He knew that if he left, he would never come back. Plus, the man had a point. From one professional to another — never mind their completely different jobs — Alex understood what James was saying. It was like finding the magic arrangement of chords that would make a perfect song.
‘No,’ he repeated. ‘Let’s do this.’
Casey gripped his hand tightly. He looked at her and smiled. ‘Where do we start?’
James smoothed out his trousers and let his body settle into the squashy sofa.
‘We start wherever you want,’ he finally said. ‘Whether that’s a retelling of your story, or a list of things you’ve tried, or . . . whatever. I’ll listen. Take your time. Don’t rush. I have a free afternoon.’
So once more Alex found himself launching into the story of their affliction. He was becoming more practiced at relating the sequence of events that had brought him and Casey to the present day.
After a while, Casey started throwing in comments and clarification and her side of the story, which was really quite fascinating. He hadn’t known about her resolve to seduce him at all costs the night he had taken the ‘Rise and Shine’, and he wondered now how badly she must have been affected by the whole episode.
On and on they talked, barely noticing James’s presence in the room. It was almost cathartic, putting it all in order with Casey’s perspective as well. It seemed to make a twisted sense.
‘And that’s it,’ he finally concluded when he could think of nothing more to add.
James weighed his head slowly from side to side. ‘That’s quite some story,’ he finally pronounced. ‘And I don’t mean to be judgemental. You guys . . . you’ve really worked so hard at overcoming your barriers. You may not realise it, but you really are an exceptionally strong couple. Which is what worries me.’
‘It worries you that we’re a strong couple?’ Casey pounced on James’s unexpected verdict. ‘Surely that’s a good thing? Why would it worry you?’
James exhaled deeply. ‘This curse—’
‘Oh please, don’t start on that,’ Casey cut him off before Alex had a chance to do the same. ‘We don’t believe in curses.’
‘I know you don’t,’ James tried to placate her. ‘You’ve made that abundantly clear. But the brain — the mind — is a powerful and complex organ. It can do extraordinary things to the body, and that’s what we need to look at here. There’s obviously no physical cause for your problems.’
‘What are you suggesting?’ Casey prompted ‘Please don’t say counter-curses or anything like that.’
‘No.’ James shook his head emphatically. ‘No, I don’t think that is the way forward for you. I was thinking of hypnosis.’
‘Hypnosis?’ The surprise in Casey’s voice perfectly expressed Alex’s own feelings. ‘How . . . why would that help? Isn’t that more mumbo-jumbo?’
‘Not at all,’ James replied calmly. ‘Hypnosis is an accepted form of therapy for all manner of ailments. People use it to lose weight or to stop smoking. In some instances, whole operations have been performed with the patient in hypnosis rather than under anaesthetics. It’s a powerful therapeutic tool.’
‘But how would it help us?’
‘Hypnosis could potentially help in one of two ways.’ James raised an index finger. ‘One, it might help us find out why your brain is blocking your love-making. And two,’ he raised a second finger. ‘It could enable me to reprogram your brain, to embed a little cue that would let you two carry on, if you will, at the crucial moment.’
‘Wow.’ Alex tried to assimilate this new concept.
‘Double wow,’ Casey echoed his thoughts. ‘And you think this will work?’
‘I won’t make any promises,’ James replied honestly. ‘Hypnosis doesn’t work for everybody. It depends entirely on how receptive the subject is to suggestion.’
Alex burst out laughing. He didn’t mean to, but he couldn’t help it. ‘James, you’re looking at two people here who are as stubborn as mules each in their own little way. I wouldn’t exactly describe us as being susceptible to suggestion.’
‘Oi.’ Casey elbowed him. ‘Speak for yourself. I’m a very reasonable person, and I’m only stubborn when I want to be.’
‘See what I mean?’ Alex grinned.
James smiled and nodded. ‘Once more, I’m astounded by the personal dynamics between the two of you. You have such a strong bond — you’re almost perfectly in tune with each other. With that, I’d have to hypnotise you both,’ James continued. ‘Together. At the same time.’
‘Ah.’ Casey sounded unsure.
‘Right.’ Alex wasn’t so sure either.
‘We can do it now,’ James offered. ‘No time like the present, and I wouldn’t want you to go away and fret. You could put up mental walls that would prevent me from touching your mind.’
Alex swallowed. He wasn’t at all certain whether he wanted his mind to be touched. He looked at Casey and searched her face for clues as to how she felt. They stared at each other, and he took her hand. She was trembling. He guessed she was scared.
Nonetheless, she spoke first. ‘We might as well,’ she whispered. ‘It’s something to try, right?’
Her eyes were deep pools of green, and they shone like emeralds. Alex had seen that look a few times before — usually when they had made monumental decisions. Like getting married, for example. There was nothing he wouldn’t do for Casey when she had that light in her eyes.
‘All right,’ he agreed. ‘Let’s give it a try.’
‘All right,’ James repeated. He rose and pulled up an upholstered footstool, which he positioned right in front of Casey and Alex. Sitting down again, James now faced them directly. He planted his feet squarely apart and rested his elbows on his knees so that he leaned forward. He looked at ease and attentive, like Casey and Alex were the most important people in the universe and he couldn’t wait to hear what they might say next.
‘I need you both to settle back and relax,’ James said. His voice had dropped and assumed a deep, steady quality. It commanded trust and attention.
Alex did as instructed. He shuffled his bottom and splayed his legs slightly and then rested his head against the back of the sofa. He noted with surprise that he felt incredibly comfortable. Casey assumed a similar stance next to him, but she didn’t let go of his hand.
‘Good. That’s great,’ James praised them. ‘You’re feeling safe and calm. Your body is heavy with relaxation. It’s a nice feeling, almost like you’re weightless.’
James’s voice was exceptionally soothing and all other background noise seemed to have faded away. Had James turned off the music? Alex wondered idly.
‘And you’re breathing.’ James was whispering now, and Alex had to strain to hear. ‘You’re breathing in — and out.’
That was nice. It was easy, too. Alex breathed in and out, following the exact rhythm that James was setting.
‘And in — and out.’
In. And out.
‘And you close your eyes.’
Alex closed his eyes. He was really glad to close his eyes as he was finding it more and more difficult to keep them open. He was so relaxed that he seemed to be floating.
Breathing in — and out. Eyes closed. It was dark behind those closed eyes. Well, dark-ish. There was a pleasant warm red light behind his eyelids. It seemed to be swirling, but he didn’t feel dizzy. Amazing, how he had never noticed that before when he was drifting off to sleep.
‘And in — and out.’
The voice was coming from a long, long way away now. It was extraordinarily soothing. It was a nice voice, deep and mellifluous, and Alex trusted it, although he couldn’t quite remember whose voice it was. A friend’s voice for sure. Anyway, it didn’t matter. He was safe with the voice.
Gradually, his mind cleared of thoughts. Alex had never experienced such a state of . . . of Zen before, if that was what it was; but it was pleasant and very calm. There was nothing in his mind beyond a sense of well-being and an awareness of the voice that anchored him. All his worries and obligations, his plans, his things to do, his songs — they had all drifted away. This was more than pleasant. This was bliss. Simply breathing and resting in the warm, red half-light behind his eyes.
‘And in — and out.’
* * *
~ Casey ~
‘Honey, are you awake?’
‘What’s the time?’ Casey couldn’t quite open her eyes. Correction: She didn’t quite want to open her eyes. She couldn’t remember the last time she had felt so blissfully rested and calm.
‘It’s ten o’clock.’
‘Is it really?’ Casey rubbed her forehead. ‘Only ten o’clock? What’re you doing, waking me up in the middle of the night? Let me go back to sleep. I haven’t slept this well since forever.’
‘It’s ten o’clock in the morning. We’ve slept for eighteen hours.’
‘In the morning?’ Now Casey was awake. ‘What do you mean, in the morning? We’ve only just gone to bed.’
Alex leaned across and planted a kiss on her nose. ‘I know that’s what it feels like, but it really is morning.’
‘Oh man!’ Casey sighed. ‘If that’s what hypnosis does to us, can we have a session every week? I feel fabulous!’
‘Me too.’ Alex grinned. ‘I think this is possibly what James meant when he told us to go and sleep it all off.’
Casey yawned. ‘I thought he told us to go bonk ourselves silly.’
‘Me too. But maybe not.’ Alex stretched and groaned with pleasure. ‘I feel like I have a whole new body.’
‘Mmmh.’ Casey snuggled into him. He felt warm and . . . and very present, it appeared. ‘Feels like a nice body to me, whether old or new.’
Alex put his arms around her, and Casey mumbled into his chest. ‘It’s a pity that James didn’t tell us what’s wrong with us. Do you think he knows? Or was he making it all up?’
‘No idea,’ Alex replied. ‘But he said he had left us with cues that would . . . help.’
‘He did, didn’t he?’ Casey grinned, her face still buried in Alex’s chest. As a matter of fact, her face was quite conveniently positioned for instigating some excitement. Gently, she flicked her tongue against Alex’s nipple and was rewarded with a loud groan.
‘Shall we try?’ he whispered, his voice almost hoarse with lust.
‘Do you need to ask?’ Casey whispered back. She rolled on top of Alex, relishing the feel of him against her, and kissed him deeply. Her heart was racing, and her mind was a blur of arousal. Scenes of past attempts flickered by her — the first morning ‘after’ when she couldn’t face Alex at all, the night on the yacht when she mistook seasickness for throes of excitement — and none of them resonated. This was different. This was real.
Alex placed his hands on her rear and then gradually massaged his way up her back, burying his hands in her hair and pulling her down close for more kisses. Casey thought she would melt with pleasure.
Suddenly Alex turned her over so that he was on top, and he began stroking her with quick, determined movements. Casey heard a voice asking for ‘more, more’ — and she realised it was her own, even though it was coming from far away. Her body responded to Alex’s every touch, and there was a sparkle in his eyes that she hadn’t seen since before the wedding. ‘We’ve done it,’ she thought triumphantly. ‘We’ve broken the curse.’
She shivered in delight, and her skin was on fire. And then Alex joined her. It was an easy, confident move that erased the months of failed sex from her memory. She moaned with pleasure, and Alex kissed the sound right off her lips. He moved gently but with increasing urgency, and Casey came close, so very close. Her breathing was fast and ragged, as was his, and through his lips she could feel his pulse beating in synch with hers.
Grroaarrrpphrrrrgguuuurgleoor.
The sound was so loud and so unexpected that it stopped Casey short. ‘What the heck was that?’ she grunted.
‘What?’ Alex kissed her urgently, oblivious to her confusion.
Grrewwwguuuurgleaphwhoar.There it was again.
‘That! It was your tummy.’ Casey suppressed a giggle. Another eruptive gurgle filled the silence.
‘That’s not my tummy, that’s yours.’
‘It’s not.’
Right on cue, Alex’s stomach gurgled again. Casey bit her lip and felt a tear run down her face.
Alex raised himself up on his elbows and cocked his head. His lips quivered. ‘I thought it was yours.’
‘Nope. Definitely yours. There it goes again.’
They both listened to the acoustic fireworks.
‘What’s going on in there?’ Casey gasped. ‘It sounds like whale song.’
‘I don’t know,’ Alex replied. ‘Shall we . . . shall we ignore it, please?’
His plea was met with another burst of stomach static, this time definitely from Casey. She sucked in a breath of embarrassment and then burst out laughing.
‘I’m sorry,’ she yelped. ‘I’m so sorry. I don’t know what that was.’
‘Have you conceived an alien?’ Alex joked, now clearly also distracted from their romantic efforts.
‘I hope not. That would be a miracle conception.’
Cue another roar, this time from both of them.
‘Oh my goodness, this is too funny,’ Casey said through her giggles, shaking uncontrollably. ‘What’s going on? It sounds like you’re going to erupt any minute.’
‘You too, darling,’ Alex replied before succumbing to an explosion of laughter. The more he laughed, the more his stomach gurgled. And the more his stomach gurgled, the more Casey laughed, causing her stomach to gurgle some more, which incited more mirth from Alex. Instead of finishing their love-making, they ended up crying tears of laughter and clutching at each other helplessly.
Eventually they laughed themselves hoarse and gradually quietened down.
‘I’m sorry,’ Casey croaked. ‘That was really bad timing, but it was so funny!’
‘I’m sorry too,’ Alex replied. ‘But once you got me listening to that, there was no going back.’
‘I know. I couldn’t have . . . gone on then,’ Casey hiccupped. She wiped a few stray tears of mirth from her eyes and blew Alex a kiss. ‘But hey, we came close, didn’t we? I think James’s cue worked, whatever it was.’
Alex’s faced darkened. ‘I don’t think so,’ he mumbled. He kissed Casey on the cheek and lay by her side. ‘I think it very nearly worked, like everything else, but it didn’t help us get to the end.’
Casey heaved a big sigh. ‘You’re right.’ Her euphoria deserted her as quickly as it had claimed her, and she felt flat and disconsolate. She tried to clutch at a positive thought. ‘But we . . . we were properly together. That’s progress. And it was good.’
‘Good?’ Alex teased her gently. ‘Is that the best you can come up with?’
Casey rolled her eyes. ‘It was absolutely bloody fantastic, if you must know. Ending or not. I think that’s progress.’
‘All right then. It is progress. Now what’s the next step, do you think?’
* * *
~ Alex ~
‘Homework.’
‘Homework?’ Alex repeated incredulously.
‘Yes, homework. If you want to call it that.’ James’s voice crackled slightly over the speakerphone. It had been Casey’s idea to ring him to get some suggestions for going forward. Alex felt slightly silly talking to the man whilst still in bed with Casey post-almost-coital, but Casey wasn’t to be deterred.
‘What kind of homework?’ she was asking while Alex’s mind had wandered.
‘Okay, listen up,’ James instructed. ‘We’ve got your intimacy going again up to a point. That’s encouraging. Here’s what I need you to do next. Tomorrow, I want you to spend the evening naked. Do whatever you want to do, but do it naked. Don’t touch each other. Just be naked.’
Casey and Alex exchanged a glance. Alex pursed his lips and frowned, and Casey glared at him. On the phone, James continued.
‘The next day, I want you to massage each other, but without touching any sexual areas. Only backs, arms, and legs. Do you get that?’
‘We get that,’ Casey replied. ‘Massage. No sexual areas.’
‘Good,’ came James’s crackly acknowledgement. ‘The next day, massage each other all over but don’t take it further. Don’t even think about it. I want you both to come to the boil good and proper. Hold onto that feeling and cherish it.’
‘Massage all over, come to the boil,’ Alex reiterated. ‘Okay, we can do that. And the next day?’
‘The next day is up to you. And the day after that, you come and see me.’
‘And what do we do today?’
‘I suggest you get yourselves out of bed and get on with your lives,’ James teased.
‘How the heck do you know we’re still in bed?’ Casey blurted out. ‘Do you have a secret spy phone?’
‘No,’ James chuckled. ‘It’s in your voices. I can tell you’re lying down. Now get up and do something productive, and I’ll see you in a few days.’
* * *
~ Casey ~
‘So, how did you get on?’ Five days later, James was fixing a coffee for Alex and Casey after settling them both on the familiar sofa in his consulting room.
Casey inhaled deeply before launching into a recount of events. She smiled at Alex and snuggled into the crook of his arm. James looked from one to the other and smiled too.
‘We did exactly what you said,’ Casey began. ‘The first night, after we got home from recording, we drew the curtains, got naked, and cooked dinner.’
‘It’s bizarre, cooking dinner in the buff,’ Alex chimed in. ‘All sorts of things can happen.’
‘Like what?’ James sat forward eagerly.
‘Oh, you know.’ Alex waggled his head. ‘Water boiling over, fat splattering on skin, that kind of stuff.’
‘I see. And?’
‘It was quite exciting, actually.’ Casey tried to keep her voice steady. ‘Especially the “not being allowed to touch” bit. It was like . . . like being in a sweetie shop and only being allowed to stare.’
‘How did it make you feel?’
Casey saw Alex roll his eyes, and she elbowed him sharply. ‘Ignore him,’ she said to James. ‘The relationship counsellor kept asking that question, and it drove us both nuts. But it’s a legitimate question, so . . . Yeah. It made us feel good. Well, it made me feel good. Very excited. It felt a bit naughty.’
‘After we had dinner, we watched telly and relaxed,’ Alex picked up the story. ‘Although parts of me weren’t entirely relaxed, if you get my drift.’
James nodded. ‘That was the general idea. But you didn’t—?’
‘No, we were a good boy and girl, as instructed,’ Casey quipped. ‘The next day, we did the massage. That was lovely!’
‘I bought some scented oils and a massage book,’ Alex offered. ‘I thought we might as well do it properly. And it was nice.’
‘Nice?’ James prompted. Casey looked at Alex. He waggled his head.
‘Yeah. Nice. It wasn’t fantastically exciting, but it was relaxing and comfortable. Nice.’
‘Okay. Good.’ James motioned for them to continue.
‘Now the next day was exciting,’ Alex went on. ‘We got very excited, for want of a better word.’
‘You explored each other thoroughly?’ James prodded.
‘We did,’ Casey confirmed. ‘It took a lot of effort to . . . to leave it at that.’
‘I’m glad to hear it.’ James smiled. ‘But I’m dying to know: what happened yesterday?’
‘Ah.’ Alex prevaricated. Casey looked at the ceiling. ‘Yesterday, yeah well.’
‘Don’t tell me it didn’t work?’ James sounded incredulous, possibly slightly hysterical. He’s finding this harder to accept than us, Casey thought.
‘No, it didn’t,’ Alex confirmed in the meantime.
‘Why ever not?’ James stood up, clearly agitated. He combed his hands through his hair. ‘What got between you this time?’
Casey bit her lip, trying not to burst out laughing. When she didn’t answer immediately, James’s professional composure crumbled. ‘Casey, tell me. After that build-up, I can’t see what could possibly have distracted you short of the sky falling down.’
‘Not the sky, no.’ Casey giggled. ‘Although you’re getting warmer. It was quite spectacular, all in all.’
‘Yeah,’ Alex agreed. ‘And expensive to fix.’
James inhaled deeply before he spoke. ‘What? What happened?’
Casey and Alex traded a look, and Alex nodded for Casey to go ahead.
‘For starters, our bed,’ Casey began, trying to speak in a level voice, ‘it collapsed.’
James looked at her with uncomprehending eyes. ‘What do you mean, your bed collapsed? How does a bed collapse?’
Casey half sighed, half laughed. ‘We were mid . . . you know. Alex on top, me below. We were doing great. It was really romantic, actually. We’d lit candles, and there was this monster downpour with rain lashing against the windows. The near perfect setting. And suddenly it felt as though the earth was moving.’
‘She did actually ask me if the earth was moving,’ Alex remembered. ‘I thought she was making a joke. Only then the earth did seem to move. Or rather, Casey seemed to be falling into it.’
‘The mattress gave way and took my bottom with it. I literally dropped out from under Alex.’
‘She folded up like a jackknife with her rear end stuck in the mattress, and she couldn’t move.’
‘Of course, Alex couldn’t keep going because . . . well, it physically wasn’t possible.’
‘We couldn’t figure out what had happened, and we lay there frozen.’
‘It was uncomfortable, to say the least, so I tried to get my bottom free . . .’
‘. . . and there was this big crack . . .’ Alex chuckled at the memory.
‘. . . followed by a series of even bigger cracks . . .’ Casey snorted.
‘. . . and the whole structure gave, and we ended up on the floor. Well, on the mattress, on the floor. On top of our very broken bed.’ Alex guffawed helplessly.
James stared at them with incomprehension written all over his face. ‘And this is funny because?’
Casey had to try several times before she could speak. ‘You should have seen Alex’s face.’
‘Or hers,’ Alex joined in.
‘I still don’t get why it’s funny,’ James persisted.
‘Ah, see, the thing is that . . .’ Alex had to take a moment to compose himself.
Casey picked up the story. ‘It was still raining, and the candles were flickering, and the whole room screamed romance. Broken bed or not, we were still in the . . . you know . . . zone. And’ — she giggled helplessly but forced herself to keep speaking — ‘we picked up right where we’d got distracted.’
Alex wiped tears from his eyes. ‘We’re deep in the throes of passion when Casey suddenly goes, “Alex, you’re dripping. You okay?”’
‘I was getting dripped on,’ Casey explained. ‘I thought Alex was in trouble again.’
‘But it wasn’t me. And then she goes, “Alex, there’s a crack in the ceiling.”’
‘And he says, “Fu-rget the crack and shut up.”’
Alex scratched his head and grinned at James. ‘Like I’d give a damn about a crack in the ceiling right then.’
‘So he keeps, you know, going, and I’m lying there thinking, this doesn’t look good. This so doesn’t look good.’
‘And the rain was hammering against the windows . . .’
‘. . . and there were more and more drips until even Alex felt them . . .’
‘. . . and then the drips turned into a stream.’
‘A tidal wave!’
‘Next thing we know, the ceiling came down.’
‘Ca-rash. Just like that.’
James gaped, aghast. He opened his mouth to speak, but Casey hadn’t finished relaying the scene.
‘The whole place was covered in dust and plasterboard. Alex had white hair!’
‘And Casey looked like she’d applied a face pack.’
‘And still there was water streaming from the ceiling—’
‘It was awful.’
‘We had to call the fire brigade to plug the hole in the roof and pump the water out of the bedroom before the next ceiling collapsed.’
James stared at them. ‘I don’t believe this. Why did your ceiling come down?’
‘Apparently we had a leak in the roof that we didn’t know about, and because of all the rain, the water was simply gushing in. We’ve a bone or three to pick with the developer who sold us the house.’
‘I bet.’ James shook his head.
Alex and Casey shared a look, and Casey emitted a snort. Alex rolled his eyes and spoke up. ‘And it doesn’t finish there.’
‘It doesn’t?’
‘Nuh-huh. See, when the fire crew had left, we had to clean up.’
‘As in, ourselves. We had dust and muck all over us.’
‘So Casey ran a bath.’
‘And then Alex was overcome all horny, and he said could he come in with me? And I said, “What, now? After everything that’s happened?” And he said in this funny voice, “If not now, when?”’
James raised his eyebrows. ‘How big is your bath tub?’
‘Normal size,’ Alex replied easily. ‘So anyway, I climbed in with Casey.’
‘We’d never tried this before. Of course, water sloshed over the side immediately, and we were a bit cramped.’
‘But we figured out how to position our legs and arms, and it was all quite exciting.’
‘It was great, actually,’ Casey offered a sideways comment.
‘It was fantastic, all warm and wet and . . . yeah, well.’ Alex smiled ruefully.
‘Anyhow. So we were both in the bath, and obviously we were . . . uhm . . . moving . . .’
‘. . . and next thing we know, the tub begins to wobble and to list . . .’
‘. . . and before we can even begin to get out, we’re falling through the floor.’
‘No way!’
‘Yes way, unfortunately,’ Alex confirmed grimly. ‘We landed on the sofa in the lounge. Complete with tub and water.’
‘You’re pulling my leg!’
‘Not in the slightest. Here, we took pictures.’ Casey pulled out her phone and called up the photo album. ‘We had to, for the insurance.’
‘How on earth does a bath tub fall through the ceiling?’
Alex rolled his shoulders. ‘Good question. It shouldn’t do, not even with two bodies in it. Not even with two bodies in it that are . . . exerting rhythmic pressure, shall we say.’
‘However,’ Casey chimed in. ‘If it turns out that the developer took a few short cuts . . .’
‘. . . like omitting to reinforce the joists . . .’
‘. . . or failing to treat the rampant woodworm in said joists . . .’
‘. . . then you can end up going through the floor.’
‘Oh my gosh!’ James shook his head. ‘Weren’t you hurt?’
‘Miraculously, no.’ Casey moved her arms and waggled her head to confirm that point. ‘Of course, the house is like a war zone. Obviously, the water pipes broke when the bath pulled the taps out of the wall, and water went everywhere before we could get to the stopcock.’
Alex snorted. ‘So we’re stranded arse over tit, pardon my French, in our bath tub on a sofa in the lounge, and there’s water pouring down from the hole in the ceiling. Casey screams, “Oh my gosh, you’re gonna have to turn the water off!”, and I scream right back, “How exactly do you want me to do that right now?”’
‘Next thing we know, we’ve tipped over sideways on the floor, and Alex is kind of half in, half out of the bath. He scrambles to his feet and dashes off to the kitchen’ — Casey giggled — ‘fully starkers to turn the water off. It was awesome, if you like slapstick.’
‘Yeah.’ Alex scowled. ‘Slapstick is usually funnier for the observer than for the hapless performer. Anyway, we had to call the fire brigade again. We were worried the rest of the bathroom would come down too, so we needed some kind of emergency fix.They sent the same crew as the first time round.’
‘We got dressed first, obviously. In different clothes from before. But they gave us some very strange looks, I can tell you.’ Casey blushed at the memory.
‘I’m trying to picture it,’ James snorted. ‘My word.’
‘Yeah. And after that, romance was definitely off the cards. Completely.’
‘Now we’re in the spare bedroom while we’re waiting for the builders to fix the roof and the bathroom. And we’ve got to buy a new bed and a couple of new sofas.’
James manically paced the room. ‘I don’t get it. It’s like . . . it is like you’re doomed. If it’s not you yourselves, some kind of external event keeps you apart. I don’t know how to plan for this. I don’t know how I can cure this.’
‘Welcome to the club,’ Alex quipped. ‘Now you know how we feel.’
James sighed deeply. ‘We’ll need to take a break. I’ll have to do some more research before I can continue with your therapy.’
‘Don’t worry about it too much,’ Casey soothed. ‘I mean, of course, we’re bloody frustrated, but this isn’t your fault. I don’t know whose fault it is.’
‘Don’t you dare bring up the curse now, either of you,’ Alex warned.
‘I wouldn’t dream of it,’ Casey retorted.
Alex grimaced. ‘On the bright side, the house will get a bit of a makeover, and we’ll make sure it gets done properly this time.’
‘And we discovered that Alex is an ace masseur,’ Casey chimed in. ‘That’s something, right?’
‘Your optimism is astounding.’ James was full of admiration.
‘Ha! It’s also completely fake,’ Casey admitted. ‘We’re grasping at straws here with no idea where to go next.’
‘Sometimes I feel like going back to that yacht and doing it all again, but without any mishaps,’ Alex grunted.
Casey gasped. ‘I thought you didn’t believe in the curse?’
‘I don’t. But something happened to us, and it happened on our wedding day. So maybe the trick is to do our wedding day all over again.’
Casey smiled. ‘That would be nice, wouldn’t it? Although we haven’t even begun to clear our credit cards from the honeymoon yet . . . Still, one can dream.’
James chewed his lip. ‘I wish I could offer more ideas. I’ll ask around among my colleagues. Discreetly, of course. Meanwhile, best of luck to you both. And stay in touch while we’re on break, especially if you have a breakthrough, okay?’
‘Sure,’ Alex promised. ‘And thank you for trying. I’m glad we did.’
‘And that,’ Casey concluded, ‘is a big win in itself, even if it feels like we’re running out of options faster than we can say “therapy”.’