Chapter 36 #2
‘There’s nothing I want more,’ I sent sincerely. ‘But I also want no regrets, Kgosi. I couldn’t forgive myself if something happened to her, something I’d foreseen, and I didn’t step in.’
‘You know I’d never ask that of you, and neither would God.
You are given to her for her protection.
But her protection will not come through shame, or fear.
To demean her, to grow angry at her skill—none of that assists her.
And you seem unwilling to see that. I don’t speak to you about Bren, Donavyn.
I speak about you. Bren works to wrench back the power that was taken from her.
She strives to reach the heights the Creator intends for her.
And we will all fight to keep her safe in it, and to help her reach the summit.
But we cannot do that from our own fears.
And we cannot help her by attempts to control.
Your authority in her life is clouded by human traditions. Do not misuse that.’
I sighed. ‘I won’t.’
‘You did today.’
My stomach churned. Kgosi began to bank and I sat back, forced to take a good, hard look at myself. And what I saw made my heart sink to my toes, because it was everything I told my men never to be.
Angry.
Ill-disciplined.
Thoughtless.
Impulsive.
Violent.
Shit. As Kgosi straightened in the air and I saw where he was flying, I sighed. ‘I know you’re right. But the kick in my chest when I see her putting herself in danger… I don’t know, Kgosi. I’m not perfect.’
‘No one requires perfection of you,’ he said dismissively. ‘Your mate seeks to regain the power she lost. But in doing so, she will face risks. Risks that may outstrip the dangers she has already faced.’
‘That’s exactly my point!’
‘So, empower her, Donavyn. You have the advantage of size, strength, experience, age—and a solid love the likes of which she has never received before. She needs your wiles to do the job she’s been given.
She’ll need your insight every day when you face the enemy together.
Don’t reject her for grasping at any tool that might help her. Teach her. Help her. Empower her.’
Even with the humility of seeing my error, my fear flared at that.
‘Teach her to seduce other men?’
‘You know she doesn’t seek that.’
‘But that will be the result.’
Kgosi growled. ‘Your fear is only lack of trust. We have lived this, brother. You throw yourself off platforms because you trust me to catch you. Where is your trust for Bren? For the Creator’s plan?’
‘She doesn’t know what she’s getting herself into.’
‘So, instruct her. Teach her the warning signs. Teach her the difference those men would perceive between games and promises. Teach her to flee in times of danger. And teach her that your arms are the safety to which she runs. Even if she got it wrong.’
I struggled to respond to that.
‘That is the problem we face, is it not, Donavyn? You fear she will be taken from you. Again.’
I had to take a deep, steadying breath and show Kgosi the memories that shamed me.
Ruin. My project. My disciple. While I’d been wary of his arrogance, I’d still worked to build him into an even stronger weapon.
‘I missed it. He was under my authority, in my sphere. We weren’t distant, Kgosi. My instincts told me there was a problem. But I missed it.’
‘Talon’s responsibility for his actions lays firmly in his own lap. The same is true for his dragon. Your responsibility is to ensure that you don’t ignore your God-given instincts ever again. Even if you cannot justify them to man.’
‘You’re right. I know you’re right.’
‘I usually am,’ Kgosi sent with a hint of his usual smug amusement.
But I wasn’t ready to joke yet. ‘So, why am I wrestling with this?’
‘Because you’ve been hiding. Protecting yourself. And it’s frightening to consider the consequences of letting that go. But the time has come, Donavyn. Open your heart. Practice humility. What do you hide still? What burden do you need to share? I’m here. It’s the purpose I’ve been given.’
It took a moment to realize that the feelings tightening my chest were reminders of my first years as a Furyknight. The humbling nature of riding a dragon who outstripped me so greatly in every aspect of life, when I’d been so accustomed to outstripping others.
I was big, and strong, smart, and usually honorable. As a young man, measured against my peers, I’d become accustomed to winning. And in the few moments I hadn’t, it was usually because of my lack of discipline or commitment.
But here I was, once again faced with my dragon’s superior intellect, patience, and wisdom.
I felt like a child next to him.
‘You’ll always be a child next to me, Donavyn,’ Kgosi said kindly. ‘But a son I am very proud of. Speak, Donavyn. Purge the darkness. Bring it to light—we will face your fear together.’
I shivered, but something in me was frozen. I couldn’t make the words come.
‘Come, Donavyn. You know this is needed.’
I swallowed hard and closed my eyes, gripping the neck straps so hard my palms felt like they might split. ‘I hate him.’
‘Who? Name him, Donavyn. Leave nothing unturned.’
‘Ruin,’ I spat through the link. ‘I hate him, Kgosi. It isn’t just rage.
It isn’t righteous anger. I despise him—for what he took from her, and for what he stole from me.
From us. I want nothing more than to stand toe-to-toe with him and show him that I know the sick darkness of his soul—and I want to watch him fear when he sees me coming to take his life from him, slowly and painfully, because it’s what he deserves!
’ I snarled, shaking with the fury of it all over again.
‘I want to put him in a position where he is overpowered and outmatched, where he sees his own destruction coming, and he can do nothing but feel helpless—I want him to feel what she felt, and I want to be the one to do it!’
Kgosi rumbled gently. ‘You are not the hand of God to deliver death, Donavyn. You are, however, her mate.’
It wasn’t the response I’d expected from him. ‘What does that mean?’ I muttered.
‘It means that we are given to them for their protection—not from their own strength. But from those that would harm them. That is an honorable duty, undertaken daily. It is not revenge. Revenge will only hollow your heart, steal your joy, and ultimately remove you from unity with your mate—and me. Seek peace with your mate. Seek a clear conscience in your work. Let the Creator decide whether you are to be the executioner’s hand—and when—or not. And accept His choice.’
And once again, I knew he was right.
The question was, could I listen? Could I accept that? And what would I do if I couldn’t?