Chapter 37 Grovel
~ brEN ~
I sat with my back to Akhane’s belly, hemmed in by her bulk, her legs curled in and her tail curled around her legs, like a barn-sized cat.
‘He loves you, Little Flame.’
‘I know. I love him, too. But he was so angry—like I’d done something wrong. I didn’t do anything wrong!’
Akhane gave a comforting rumble and croon. ‘The males of both our kinds see every problem as one to be fixed with their strength.’
I hesitated. ‘Does Kgosi order you around as Primarch when he doesn’t like what you’re doing?’
‘No,’ Akhane said sweetly. ‘But that is because I do so little to which he could protest,’ she said, with a small huff of laughter.
I snorted. ‘I guess I’m not perfect like you.’
‘Oh, Bren. I’m far from perfect—I can be mistaken, or angered, too. At times I am fearful. But our dragon lives are less scattered than your human ones, I think.’
I sighed and closed my eyes, trying not to relive the moment when that word had crossed Donavyn’s lips, because each time I replayed the memory, it pierced my chest like a blade.
Now that I’d had time to calm down, I knew he hadn’t called me that. But all I could hear in my head was the echo of my father’s voice when he learned I’d given myself to Ruin.
He’d had flashing eyes, and powerful anger, too.
He’d claimed he was protecting me, as well.
‘Do not paint your mate with the sins of other men, Little Flame,’ Akhane said gently. ‘He carries responsibility only for his own offenses, not theirs.’
“I know,” I sighed. “It’s just that he’s always been so patient. I didn’t think he’d ever speak to me like that and…”
I hesitated. I didn’t know how to articulate that this argument dredged up the feelings I’d had that desperate night I’d decided to walk all the way to the Keep to find Ruin and prove my father wrong.
Except, he hadn’t been wrong.
That niggling whisper wouldn’t let me go.
Father had been a bastard, but he hadn’t been wrong about Ruin and his feelings for me.
Did that mean Donavyn was right now, as well?
‘No, Bren,’ Akhane sent firmly. ‘Do not tangle the two. They are different men, with different sins. Take Donavyn for himself only. Your father was—’ She cut herself off and raised her head, ears flicking towards the door. ‘We have a visitor,’ she sent quietly.
The sound of footsteps in the stable aisle made me stiffen. I expected Donavyn, yet wasn’t sure I was ready to talk to him. But, when the door slid back, it was only by a few inches, and the face that peered through was much closer to the floor—and a great deal younger.
“Benji?” I blurted, surprised.
“I’m sorry to disturb you, but I’ve been trying to find you for two days. Thank goodness you’re here!”
A jolt of unease crackled through me. My squad knew I no longer slept here, but everyone else still assumed I was with Akhane.
Thankfully I had an extremely busy training and patrol schedule to blame for missing passing people in the stable, or at the dining hall.
But it was hard to explain why a stableboy wouldn’t find me in my room.
Thankfully, Benji didn’t ask for an explanation, he just pressed the door back far enough to step into the gap, then plowed on.
“The scribe at the Quartermaster sent a runner looking for you yesterday, but they couldn’t find you. I told them about… about your training. He said he would return, but asked me to give you this.”
I got to my feet as Benji started towards Akhane. I didn’t think she’d hiss at him—the dragons seemed to like him a great deal—but I didn’t want to take the risk. She got protective when I was upset.
He handed me a small, crumpled parchment that had been folded and sealed with a scribe’s wax—the scribe from the Academy buildings.
I assumed it was a summons from the seamstresses and slid it into my pocket to retrieve later.
It was growing late now. I could visit the Quartermaster in the morning on my way to patrol.
“Thank you, Benji. I’ll make certain to speak with them tomorrow so they won’t bother you again.”
“Oh, it’s not a bother. I like coming to speak with Kgosi,” Benji said with a little smile. But then the high blast of the Furymaster’s whistle sounded outside and Benji jumped. “I have to go. I’m glad I found you.”
“Thank you, Benji.” I didn’t know what to do about people coming to look for me at the stable, but perhaps tonight it wouldn’t matter. Perhaps tonight I would stay here with Akhane…
‘Oh, Bren. I love to have you, but you and Donavyn shouldn’t stay apart.
Don’t let the anger simmer—it will only be more difficult to soothe.
Go to him in love. If you have sinned, own your part with humility.
He is, after all, your Commander. But stand your ground about your path.
He cannot and should not attempt to steal that from you. Kgosi will tell him, I’m certain.’
‘I think he will too,’ I sent uneasily. ‘But even if he apologizes… how do I move past this, Akhane? I feel disgusted. I never thought he’d make me feel that way, but using that word…’
Akhane sighed heavily, her ribs expanding, then contracting so her breath whooshed into the cool evening air of the stable. ‘Forgive, Bren. Always forgive. Do not excuse, but do forgive. It is better to be one with your mate and happy, than proud and alone.’
I knew she was right, but it didn’t sit well. Was this what Donavyn would do every time I had to take an action he didn’t like? Use his rank to instruct me not to follow my instincts?
And what would I do if he did? He was a good man. He loved me. Yet, he was also my Commander.
I didn’t know how to balance those two in conflicts between us, and anxiety trilled in my chest—but then the door rumbled again and Donavyn strode in, his face pale and forehead lined.
I stopped in my tracks, staring as he strode straight across the straw to me, those stunning shoulders framed perfectly by his flight leathers, and his hair disheveled from the wind.
He looked handsome and dashing and—
“Bren, I’m sorry,” he croaked as Kgosi appeared in the doorway, and the dragons crooned to each other.
I wasn’t sure whether to back away or throw myself into his chest, so I stood there, frozen, mind blank, as he strode towards me, his face pained.
“We’ll work this out,” he said quietly. “I trust you—let me say that, please. My reaction wasn’t because I don’t trust you. It’s them. The men. They’re the ones I don’t trust.”
“I-I know,” I gulped. “But with this kind of mission, if I’m going to be any use I have to… have to encourage men to talk to me—”
“I understand. I do. Forgive me. I’m… Bren, I’m terrified.”
He stopped within arm’s reach, his eyes clouded, but searching mine.
I was vaguely aware of Akhane slipping past me, to join Kgosi, and both of them leaving the stable together. But I couldn’t stop staring at Donavyn—the pinched weariness in his eyes, the tension in his posture, and that sense of him in the bond that thrummed now that he was close.
“You called me a whore—”
“I never meant that word for you, and it won’t cross my lips again. You have my word.”
I took a deep breath. “You ordered me to—”
“I won’t use my rank against you like that.
I swear it. I spoke with Kgosi, I’ve looked back on all of this.
I was wrong. I have advice. Insight. Things that can help you.
And I will offer it. I’ll give you orders for the mission’s sake—as I would for any Furyknight that accompanied me.
But I won’t order you to soothe my own fear, or pride, ever again. I swear.”
His eyes were pinched, pleading, and my heart rose.
“Bren, hear me, please,” he breathed. “Everything about this mission terrifies me. But especially the danger to you. I am struggling to let you go.”
“But you won’t have to. We’re going together. And we’re all in danger when we do—including you.”
He nodded. “I am far more ready to face danger myself, than to let you—”
“I want to be part of the winning, Donavyn.”
He frowned. “What? I don’t understand.”
I took a deep breath. “When we come back from this mission, no matter what’s happened, I want to look back on it and be able to see that I earned my place.”
“Bren, you already earned your place. That’s why you’re here. These are team efforts, none of us can move forward without the others.”
I nodded. “That’s exactly what I mean. I want to be your teammate. Not… not your pet to be protected from everything. It is dangerous. For both of us. And if we win, I want to know I was a part of making that happen.”
“I want you to feel that, too,” he croaked.
His expression hardened as he looked away.
“I’m sorry I tried to hold you back. Kgosi spoke with me—he believes in you, too.
He didn’t let me remain ignorant in how I let you down.
So, I’ll do everything I can to help you, to ready you, to be there for you. ”
I opened my mouth, but he raised a hand. “Please, listen. I want you to be certain…”
He stepped right up to my toes, staring down at me with his jaw clenched.
“I’m struggling with fear for you. I will battle it.
I know I was wrong. I’ll endeavor not to be wrong again, but if I stumble, Bren, don’t give up on me.
I struggle because I love you. Because you’re precious.
Because I’m terrified of seeing you hurt. That’s all.”
I had to swallow a lump in my throat. “I’m afraid of that, too.”
He nodded. “I know. And I know. I’m still wrestling with my anger for the men who hurt you—” he dropped his voice, “—especially Talon. But I’m not angry with you.
I’m terrified for you. I won’t let it step in the way again.
And if I do, you have my permission to wake me up again.
” He rubbed his cheek, and I wasn’t sure if he realized he’d done it, but I felt the first smile creeping up, even as his expression sobered.
“Whatever you learn, whatever you need—however you must employ your skills in the moment to keep yourself safe and take steps towards our mutual goal, you do it, Bren. Don’t fear my response. Just do it. I trust you. I know you. And I’ll do everything I can to help you.”
“Thank you,” I whispered. “I trust you, too.”
“Thank God,” he breathed. Then his hands came up to cup my face as he searched my eyes for any resistance. But I felt nothing but relief and joy when he leaned down to kiss me.
~ DONAVYN ~
Lifting my head, I met her eyes. “What is it? What pains you?”
She smiled at me, combing my sweaty hair back from my face and tucking it behind my ears.
“I just know how it feels to be afraid. And I’m not, Donavyn.
I hate that we fought. I hate that you questioned me.
But I know you. I can feel you. I love you, and…
” She let her hand slide down to the center of my chest, right over that space where the bond nestled next to my heart.
My body—and the bond itself—leaped for her touch.
“I’m just grateful you’re here,” she finished in a whisper.
We held each other until our hearts synced.
At some point she remembered Benji, and told me about his visit—and her fear that others were looking for her at the stable, and would soon figure out that she wasn’t sleeping here.
I grimaced and nodded. “One of the few benefits of us being called to fly soon.”
“I hate hiding you,” she said quietly, her eyes begging me to understand.
“The moment you feel ready—”
“I know, and I’m not. But I want you to know, I hate all this sneaking around.”
“As do I,” I said, which was when I saw how that fit in this whole picture. I shook my head. “All this hiding and deceit… it isn’t good for us. I understand why you want it, but we’re leaving soon. When we come back, we’ll stop hiding. We’ll face what needs to be faced together.”
She looked at me with big, worried eyes, but she didn’t argue. She just leaned up and kissed me deeply enough to make my body thrill.
We weren’t ready to let the world intrude, and silently agreed to rest there in her stable room for a time.
Curling up with her, I lay on my side, with her pressed into my chest, one arm over her. She fell asleep almost immediately. She was exhausted.
Yet another aspect of this picture I had mismeasured, I thought.
As she drifted into dreamland, I turned my thoughts to God, to pray for her silently, and beg Him to protect her.
I vowed to do anything I could to fill her with confidence.
But admitted that I was terrified we were out of time to train her.
And once we were in the forest of the Fyrehold Court… well.
Only God knew.
Her survival instincts will help, but in pure skill, she would be a sheep among wolves.
Help her. Help me to help her. Help both of us.
And bring us back. Together. Safely.
Please.