Chapter 18 #2
“Sometimes nothing is better than tearing your heart open,” Cass said honestly. “But not always. It’s a difficult choice to make.”
The confirmation of what she already knew sparked the return of Daya’s nerves, giving them motivation to continue their rapid churning.
“Thanks for that oh-so-helpful advice,” Daya joked, trying to lighten the unease in her stomach.
Cass grinned and tossed her rock in the air a few times. “Back to the original advice you asked for then… honestly, I think you’re going to have to get Connor on your side before you offer Veda her choice.”
Daya’s eyes flashed to Veda as the conversation turned back to the young guardian. “Why do you say that?”
“At this moment, their bond is stronger than what you’re offering her. You may not be able to leave with Connor, but she can. If you don’t give her a real reason to stay, and he doesn’t support it, she’ll choose him.”
“You sound sure.”
“It’s the truth. And it’s what I might have done.”
“You really would have chosen someone else over being a Wolflumen?”
“Someone who already represented love and safety to me? Yeah. I might have, given the option,” Cass said. “More importantly, once she chooses, you need to help her build a meaningful life so that she can live without regret or sorrow for what she didn’t choose. Because she will struggle with it.”
“Did someone help you do that?”
“Growing up as part of a clan, you can’t really avoid packmates turning into mentors.
” Cass smiled, a host of memories in the movement.
“Having others who share your calling was great most of the time. Occasionally, though, it made me want to vanish into the shadows. Still does, sometimes. They’re an opinionated lot. ”
Daya laughed with Cass at the statement, easily imagining her disappearing when she’d had enough of others’ involvement in her life and emotions.
“You’re going to be a great mentor to her, Daya. Connor wouldn’t leave her with you if he thought otherwise. Neither would I. And I probably understand more than he does what she’s choosing. Just trust yourself. And don’t feel the need to do everything exactly as it’s been done. Make it your own.”
“I will. Thank you, Cass.”
“My pack calls me by my given name—Cassia. I think Guardians and Wolflumen are sisters, of a sort.”
Warmth suffused Daya as she absorbed the offer of friendship.
Of connection. To people who were different from her and yet understood the roots of ancient power and belonging that held her on the mountain.
Is this what being a guardian had felt at one time?
Thriving on connection, rather than isolation?
Make it your own. Accepting the offer wouldn’t diminish her value as a guardian. It might even make her better. Stronger.
“Dayanara.” She smiled and offered her given name in return.
“So, Dayanara, you sure your hawks aren’t willing to be messengers?
” Cass asked, both teasing and serious. “I know the existence of guardians needs to remain a secret in general, but some of us would understand and appreciate the role you play. Wolflumen and others with ancient and unusual callings throughout the realms.”
“Definitely not.” She could imagine Ember’s indignant scoff. “But we should come up with something. I think maybe we’re stronger together than we are isolated and apart. That’s a change I’d like to see. For Veda’s future, if not my own.”
“You’re not that old, are you?” Cass’s brows dipped in puzzlement.
“Over a hundred, pup.”
Daya grinned when Cass inclined her head as if to an elder and elbowed her in the ribs. The laughter felt good after the rampant emotions she’d been sorting through.
Time would tell, but for the first time, she felt a desire to change the way things were.
Daya had spent her time as guardian intentionally ensconced as her mentor had trained her.
The one time she’d ventured into an outside relationship, with Draven, it had reinforced that conditioning.
But maybe there was a middle ground between the open ways of old and the complete isolation of recent guardian reigns.
It wouldn’t change her fate with Connor, but it could improve her life in other ways. Of most importance was convincing Veda to stay and train as the next guardian.
Slipping inside the house when they returned, Daya found Connor coming down the hall, a packed bag hanging from his fingertips. Swallowing hard, she motioned him to follow her into the privacy of her bedroom.
“Connor, I need your help—”
“I very much doubt that.”
“—with Veda,” she finished.
His jaw flexed as he turned away from her. “Look, Daya, I’m sorry about the way I reacted at the fortress about Veda being a guardian. That wasn’t fair. But that doesn’t mean I want to help you convince her to stay.”
“Even if it’s what she wants?”
“Is it?”
“I don’t know,” she admitted.
He sighed, resuming their impasse from before with a stubborn set of his chin.
Other than her guardian status, they’d always been honest with each other.
It was one of the things she’d respected about him.
He’d trusted her completely, with no memory and no reason but his own instinct guiding him.
Maybe if she’d told him in the beginning, he would be more accepting of the situation now.
As she stared into the eyes of the man she’d fallen in love with, she let the hurt come to the surface.
The guardian concept was a lot to swallow.
Fair. But by rejecting it outright, he was rejecting her too.
And that hurt more than any injury she’d ever suffered, including the one that had nearly taken away her ability to walk.
“Would it be so bad? If she grows up to become like me?”
Shock filtered over his face, followed by earnestness that was pure Raiden, without the hard edge of the warrior at Connor’s core.
Logically, she knew they were one and the same, but she was having trouble making sense of the distinct personality traits that seemed to come and go depending on his mood.
“I’m sorry. That’s not what I meant at all.” He immediately stepped into her space and framed her face with his hands. “Dayanara, there is nothing wrong with you or your life. Except that it takes you away from me, and I’m not handling that well.”
“I don’t want you to regret me,” she whispered, hot tears pricking her eyes. “What we can’t have, yes. But not me, who I am.”
“Never, anaiah.” His tone danced over her skin with the playful seriousness she’d come to know.
He caressed her cheek with a soft touch that sent shivers through her.
“The truth is that I love you. My mate, even if I can’t keep you.
And that pain is never going to go away.
I feel like you’re dying, and I can’t save you.
Which is ironic, because you’re the one who will outlive me by a few hundred years. ”
He was an animal caught in a trap he couldn’t escape, lashing out as he was forced to watch his kin die around him. Veda, his teammates, his family. Herself, worst of all. Because in his eyes, she was making a choice that wasn’t him.
Not knowing what to say, she wrapped her arms around him.
“I told you, love. The soul knows better than the mind.”
He’d known all along. Kept gently pushing when she’d resisted.
Turning, she caught his mouth and kissed him, letting him know exactly how right he’d been.
He returned the kiss with fervor, squeezing her sides as if he could keep her forever if he held on hard enough.
Her breathing ratcheted up as she chased his lips, seeking his essence.
Groaning, he fused them together until she could scarcely contain the feelings evolving inside her.
The need for air finally forced her to break away. Deep, hurried breaths pulled his scent into her lungs, invading her senses with nothing but Connor. His forehead came to rest against hers as he pressed a few more kisses to her face.
“My anaiah. What am I going to do without you?”
“Connor—”
He cut her off with a slow, deep kiss that made her heart stutter. When he’d thoroughly wiped all the thoughts from her mind, he stopped and pulled her into a tight hug.
Protected in his embrace, her heart slowly unwound from the emotional spin his kisses had caused.
She said nothing for a long moment, wanting nothing more than to stop time and lose herself in his arms. But that wasn’t one of her guardian powers.
Pushing back her emotions, she focused on the problem at hand. Her future was set, but Veda’s wasn’t.
“Will you talk to her? Please?”
“Yes,” he sighed, pressing a kiss to her temple and stepping back. “I’ll talk to her. Did you tell her anything yet?”
“Only in the context of me, and what I do as guardian. Not her. Cass suggested waiting until you could voice your support. Veda trusts you, Connor. Maybe only you.”
“How do you know this is right for her?”
“It was right for me. I was older, I know. But the mountain wouldn’t have called her if she didn’t belong here. It could be right, if she gives it a chance.”
“You need to prepare for the healing fire ceremony we’re doing with the kids this evening, right?”
She nodded.
“Go. Be Guardian Daya. If she seems willing, I’ll ask her to help you during the ceremony.”
“Really?”
“This is a rare occasion.” He brushed her hair back with a caress.
“I know how special it is for you since you don’t normally get to perform this type of ritual.
If she’s going to be a guardian, she should be part of it.
And we don’t have a lot of time. This will let her explore what her life could be, with you. ”