Chapter 19
Connor sat shoulder to shoulder with Veda on a large rock. They were near the entrance to the mountain’s sacred valley, where the true work of the guardians was done.
After a long walk, they were getting to the root of Veda’s feelings about becoming a guardian. He was struggling to keep his heart on the outer banks of the conversation as he tried to guide her in such a major decision.
“How can I be a guardian if I can’t even protect myself?” Veda asked. “I couldn’t protect us when they took us. Or later, at the fortress.”
“Mmm. Let me ask you something. Do you still think I’m a warrior?”
Veda gave him a wide-eyed look that said he’d followed a wild hare and jumped off a cliff. “Of course you are.”
“Even though I couldn’t protect you and Opal? You were recaptured while I was guarding you. Some of my teammates died too. I failed all of you that day.”
“Oh. But you came back and saved us.”
“I did. But sometimes, I still feel like I’m not worthy of being called a warrior. Especially not when I remember what happened that day.”
Thalia and Veda’s voices in particular crushed his soul as they screamed in devastation and fear. He was confident that those nightmarish flashbacks would plague him for the rest of his life.
“You’re still a warrior to me,” Veda said softly. “I believe in you.”
He leaned down close until they were eye to eye and cut a piece of his heart out. “I believe in you, too. If you want to be, you’ll grow up into a great protector. An amazing guardian. Just like Daya.”
White flashed as Veda bit her lip, the tiny hesitation speaking a million words in the silence between them.
Deciding it was time to stop the circular debate about her current abilities and fears, he turned her attention in another direction. “You know, tonight is something really special for Daya.”
“The healing ceremony?”
“Yes. She rarely gets to do this, and it means a lot to her to get to help you and your friends. Our friends. Will you help her? For me? I’m not allowed to go with her into the mountain, but you are.”
“What if I’m not good at it?”
“All you need to do is open your heart, Veda. In fact, I don’t want you to use your head at all. Just your heart. Be open to the magic and see how it feels. You should both enjoy such a special experience. Forget everything else for tonight, and we’ll talk about being a guardian tomorrow. Deal?”
“Okay. I’ll do it.”
“Thank you, sweetheart. It means a lot to both of us. And hopefully it will to you too.”
Veda’s brown eyes lit up with golden sparks, making her look so much like a young, innocent version of Daya that his stomach flipped.
The woman of his heart appeared out of the trees, the image of the enchanting guardian she was. He forced a smile to his lips though his heart trembled with a deep ache. How was he going to leave both of them when dawn came?
“Hi Daya,” he greeted. “We were just talking about how Veda is going to help you with the ritual tonight.”
“Really?”
“Yes.” He winked at Veda, earning him a smile. “I’ll wrangle everyone else while you two prepare.”
“Thank you, Connor,” Daya said meaningfully. “Don’t let them forget about bringing something for the fire.”
A heavy sigh escaped him. “I don’t have anything to put in the fire. It’s not like I can slice the tattoo off my back and feed it to the flames.”
Daya’s intense brown eyes studied him, the joy at Veda agreeing to participate fading to seriousness. “Is that what you’d put in? Your lightning team insignia?”
“Right now… I think so, yes.”
She’d told them to choose something they were struggling with, that they wanted to heal from or move on from.
Pick a physical symbol for it to throw into the fire.
At the moment, he was struggling fiercely with who he was and who he couldn’t be.
His commitment to the Lightning Teams existed in the space between.
One of many things, but the one he was wrestling with the most.
Veda’s hand touched his knee in a gesture of comfort, and he covered it with his own, squeezing her hand in thanks.
An enigmatic smile softened Daya’s face as she touched his arm. “Remove your shirt for me.”
He followed her direction without questioning, keeping his gaze on her as she bent to the ground to gather some soil. Taking his water, she poured a drop into her hand. Focusing intently, she made it into a thick paste.
Taking a deep breath, her eyes rose to his. Pools of brown held his soul captive until he gave her his back. Her palm pressed into his shoulder blade as she layered the muddy concoction over his tattoo. Heat sparked and burned at the site as she cupped her hand over the symbol of his commitment.
Veda’s awed intake of breath was the only audible sound as his skin lit with warmth. Her eyes widened in awe as Daya used her guardian magic on him. If they were already linked as Daya said, she could probably see the magic, feel it being used as if it were her own.
After a moment, the tingling heat faded to a bare flicker and Daya peeled the mud off his skin. Air from her lips blew across what was now a hardening medallion. Finished with her efforts, she placed the insignia in his palm and covered it with her own.
“Anything can be a symbol if you make it one, Connor. What you cleanse when you release it into the healing fire is up to you.”
He swallowed hard as she uncovered her work. In his palm sat an oval medallion perfectly emblazed with the symbol that had been on his back—his commitment to the Lightning Teams, to his mother’s legacy.
It was reminiscent of the official token he’d been given when he joined the teams, kept in a box of valuables at home. For the first time since he’d received his mother’s sword and been sworn to duty, he wasn’t sure he wanted it.
Nerves raced along Connor’s spine, sending tiny jolts of energy scattering throughout his body like hail.
His mind and heart clashed as he waited for the others to gather so that they could enter the passage and begin the events of the evening.
Though the secret and protected area was accessible through a well-hidden passageway into the mountain, it may as well have been a foreign realm with great barrier walls.
Giving a frustrated sigh, he walked over to the railing where he’d first sat with Daya and Neka. Golden haze filtered over the memory, making it feel like a moment in time. In some ways, it was. Everything had changed when he woke up from the fevered nightmare of fighting that poison.
“Neka, I wish you were here,” he murmured.
It felt like weeks rather than days since he’d seen the owlcat, and he missed her rumbling affection. She’d become a great companion while he’d been healing, filling the aching void of Rogue’s absence. He was more than a little upset that he wouldn’t get to say goodbye to her.
A flash of tension rippled through him as a hand gripped his shoulder. His muscles twitched as he corrected the response and forced himself to stay still and not jump in surprise.
“Ready for this ceremony?” Celina asked.
“It will be good for the kids,” he nodded.
“True. But that is not what I asked.” Celina turned her back to the fence, relaxing against it as she stared him down.
It wasn’t her matriarch stare but rather her big sister stare. Never mind that she was younger than him by several years. The affection propelling her seriousness broke him faster than anything else could have.
Dropping his head, he studied the claw marks indenting the railing from years of Neka’s sungazing. His hand trembled as he traced the deep scratches.
“How are you handling everything that’s happened?” she prodded. “Getting your memory back, retrieving the children, jumping back into warrior mode. It all happened very quickly.”
“Shouldn’t I be asking you that? You’re the one who was captured.”
“You let me cry on you this morning, so I think you know the answer—I’m struggling,” Celina admitted, a slight catch in her voice.
“Being interrogated was… I have no words, really. It was terrifying to be so vulnerable, at the mercy of someone else. To know a bit of what all our refugee children go through before they reach us…” She shook her head and turned around to face the forest, her breathing becoming audibly labored.
Reaching out, he took her hand off the railing and squeezed it.
The contact drew her attention away from her emotions to something physical.
He’d learned it years ago, when she was still young enough to need his help after their parents died and had often used it with the children they rescued who were prone to panic attacks.
After a moment, she returned the pressure and gave him a weak smile. “Thank you. The bond with Rodric has been helping me manage emotionally, but it’s still difficult.”
“I’m so sorry. I should have—”
“Don’t be ridiculous. None of what occurred was in your control, Connor. I know you’ll feel responsible no matter what I say, especially with Opal and Veda involved. But it wasn’t your fault. Any of it.”
His sister’s eyes took on a fierce, authoritative glint he’d known their whole lives. Long before the rest of the world began to associate it with her matriarch title. Despite her intense assertion, his soul held onto the truth.
“I know I can’t control everything. Can’t change what happened. But the protection of those remaining? That will always be my responsibility, Cela. Always.” Opal and Veda, especially. Even Daya. Though she would never need it, he still did.
“Cass told me about Veda. The whole guardian situation. Are you really going to be okay leaving her?”
A reverberating no! thundered through his heart. He wasn’t okay in the least.
“Watching the two of you earlier reminded me of you with Cat when she was that age.” Celina smiled at the memory. “I can try to talk to Daya if you’d like. Maybe Veda can return when she’s older to become her apprentice.”