Chapter 11
W hatever emotion had begun to blossom inside of me the night of the private library incident had since been shoved down into a deep, dark corner of my being, never to be acknowledged again. I’d made sure of it. Without such distractions, and with a renewed sense of courage, the last couple of magic lessons with Alandris had gone fairly well. We’d been focusing on having my shadows manifest as blasts of energy rather than worrying about them taking a distinct physical form. After every lesson, Alandris headed over to study the book we’d found, but up to now, he still had discovered nothing of note. Nor had his mentor responded to his inquiries.
It’d dawned on me that if we found nothing, I would have little option left but to ask Kallistra for the truth. And if our history gave any indication of how willing she would be to enlighten me, I’d be back at square one. That thought, though it’d never bothered me before, now terrified me. I wouldn’t go back to playing the role of the perfect little puppet. I would find the courage to fight that fate somehow.
Today was my last proper lesson before we set out toward the Azog Bog. After today, any training would be had sporadically as we traveled—if we weren’t too exhausted from the road. Kallistra and I had grown accustomed to such tedium because of the distance we had covered on foot during the pilgrimage, but I wasn’t so sure about my companions. I didn’t want to push Alandris too far by bothering him to teach me after long days of travel. I wasn’t sure if he was used to such a thing, and he’d never tell me honestly. I’d have to pay attention.
“Are you ready to battle?” Alandris called out, taking his place across the clearing opposite me.
I cocked my head to the side. “What?”
“I know, I know. I would never move to battle training this quickly if we were at the Consortium.” He held a hand up, letting a ball of flame spin in his palm. “However, our time is severely limited, so we won’t be doing things by the book. I’d like to get at least one lesson in before we set off tomorrow morning.”
My eyes widened as I watched the fire grow larger. “Are you going to throw that at me?”
There was a humored glint in his eyes as he shrugged his shoulders.
“What if I hurt you? ”
I’d needed Alandris’ assistance in quelling the strength of my magic fewer and fewer times over our past few lessons. I’d been able to manage it on my own on multiple occasions. The black tendrils had still crept up my arms, but they were nowhere near as large or as painful as they had been in the past. Still, I had no idea what would happen if I were to hit him with a blast of my magic. The tendrils could appear on him… or worse.
“You won’t hurt me, Nairu.”
“Is that confidence or your reckless disregard for your own life speaking?”
He shrugged once more.
Alandris didn’t give me the opportunity to argue further, sending that ball of flame he’d been spinning barreling right at me. It was slow enough that I could dodge if I needed to, but I knew that wasn’t the purpose of today’s lesson.
I called upon my magic, feeling the shadowy wisps seep from my palms. I sent them forth to intercept the fire. That darkness wrapped itself around the flame, dancing with it until it snuffed it from existence, and there were no traces of either of our magics left in the air.
There was hardly time to brace myself before another burst of fire shot toward me, this time much faster. I again summoned my shadows to quell the blow, but this time, I reached further down into the pools of my magic to send a blast of my own in Alandris’ direction. I thought I saw a flash of pride on his face before he snapped his fingers and my shadows burst into flame. I was still weak in comparison. What had drained me immensely seemed to be as easy as breathing for him. To ever face him in battle legitimately would be horrifying.
He rushed for me, closing the space between us so quickly I barely had time to react. His flames took on the shape of a blade, swinging down at me. Without the time to counter with a blade of my own, I opted to let my shadows protect me, covering my arm entirely, like a shield. The moment the fire met the darkness, it fizzled out.
Alandris stepped back and held up a hand, an indication to stop. “Interesting.”
“Did you just try to slice at me?”
“No. Well, yes, but I would’ve stopped if you didn’t guard yourself.”
My jaw dropped. “What if you couldn’t stop in time?”
He let out a breath of a laugh, as if what I’d asked him had been utterly ridiculous rather than a valid concern. “I suppose you’d have an impressive scar at best, and one less limb at worst.”
“Alandris!”
He only grinned. “If you wish to be coddled, I’m afraid you have the wrong teacher. Back into an offensive stance, then. And do not forget your dagger. If I get too close and you can’t call upon your magic in time, that would be the proper time to utilize it.”
I ran my hand along the dagger at my hip. His gift to me. We’d done some basic practice with it, but part of me didn’t want to risk damaging it with use. I figured if I found myself in a rough enough situation that I needed to use it, I didn’t stand much of a chance, anyway. It would be the last resort, if all else failed—one final, desperate reach at survival. I didn’t have the physical prowess to overpower someone in a battle of blades. It was as comforting as it was harrowing to have that dagger pressed against my side.
“You want me to stab you, then?”
“If you must. Your future opponents won’t give you a second to hesitate.”
I didn’t argue further. His points were valid. He was possibly the only person I’d ever met who didn’t treat me like a flower made of glass. Something so delicate that a single breath could shatter it. Something so incapable. It made me feel alive.
We continued on, exchanging blows for another hour or so, until we both noticed those familiar black tendrils creeping up my hands. I hadn’t even felt it this time, either from the excitement of sparring or, hopefully, because I was starting to master my power. Regardless, Alandris didn’t want to push it any further for the day, and I was reaching my physical limit. Sweat was dripping down my back, making my thin blouse stick to my skin uncomfortably. All I wanted now was a bath and a hot meal.
As we gathered our things, I allowed myself a moment to peer at Alandris. To truly look at him. The spark of something I’d felt for him had been forcibly snuffed out, and in it’s place, ignited, was a lingering doubt in my mind—I could not possibly feel something toward him. All I’d ever known was to be used by the people around me. I couldn’t imagine a friendship or any sort of relationship with someone that was not built out of necessity or expectation. One that I’d chosen for myself simply because I’d wanted to.
“Why are you really doing this, Alandris?” I mumbled as we packed.
He tilted his head in question, setting down his pack. “This?”
I hesitated. “I, um, teaching me magic. Kallistra likely would’ve agreed to your terms without the additional caveat of training me. She would have if you’d pushed her a bit more. You are smart enough to have known that.” I didn’t want to sound accusatory, or as though I didn’t trust him, but in some ways… I couldn’t. Kallistra’s warning, coupled with everything I’d learned from my people, was a blaring sign indicating that I should not trust Alandris. A handsome Elf with a clever tongue and sharp wits. I didn’t know much of males, but I knew enough to know such things were a dangerous combination.
“I thought it’d be interesting.” Alandris’ smile gave way to a more serious expression. “And I thought you were interesting. You have so much raw, untapped potential, but there’s also a hesitancy in you because you don’t want to disappoint anyone. I see a lot of my former self in you.”
“I don’t think we are much alike…”
He hummed in agreement. “Not anymore. I changed, of course. I intend to become an Arch Magus regardless of how many people it angers… Which is many, in case you were curious. ”
“It’s not that simple for me.” I frowned. His joking nature was doing little to ease my doubts. “It’s not only disappointment. The things that are expected of me—people are relying on me to succeed and regain my magic so that I can save them.”
“It is that simple, Nairu—choosing yourself.”
The corner of my mouth quirked. “I think I’m supposed to feel offended. It sounds as though you’re calling me a coward or an idiot. I’m not sure, honestly.”
He rolled his eyes, resting a hand on my shoulder. “I am not calling you any of those things. It is my responsibility as your comrade to be honest with you.”
Comrade. I liked the word. Different from friend, and somehow more meaningful. Better than friend, because as much as I wanted a friend, I didn’t want that person to be Alandris. Because I was, in fact, an idiot, and I’d grown attached to the male. Even though I’d promised myself not to because he was my temporary teacher and nothing more. And I wanted more.
And I didn’t.
And I did. Because he was the only person who had ever shown me more. And I could blame it on that, on naivety, or loneliness, but the truth was, there was something inexplicable that happened to me every time I saw him—an irresistible tug. And I needed to drag myself away before it was too late.
I pulled away from his touch. “We should get back.”
His grip lingered on my shoulder for a moment longer before he released me. “Yes. Yes, we should. ”
By the time we’d walked back to the inn, my hands were clear of any marks. Alandris excused himself to head to the library. One last chance to find something of use in that book.
Kallistra was sitting cross-legged on her bed, her knives and tools splayed out on a cloth in front of her, when I entered the room after my bath. She’d stopped ignoring me entirely, but things between us were still tense. Different. She nodded to me when I entered, but continued cleaning the dagger in her hand, its bone white handle shimmering in the light.
“I think I’m getting better at tapping into my magic,” I offered, sitting down on my bed across from hers.
She stopped. “That’s good.”
“Uh, we tried some battle practice. It went well.”
Her eyes shot up and then traveled across my body as if looking for wounds. Her expression lightened when she found nothing. “You look healthier. Stronger.”
I’d noticed the changes as well. The consistent meals were certainly helping, but the training had to be the key to my new figure. Even back home, where we never needed to worry over food, I’d always been a scrawny thing. Now, I was developing some muscle and even gaining some color in my face. For the first time in my life, I didn’t look a half inch from death. I had to wonder if it had been because of my lack of control over my magic. If it were draining me without me even trying to utilize it.
“I received another communication from our village,” Kallistra continued. “I’ve informed them of our plans with this job and our hopes to bargain with a Fae thereafter. They were… hesitant.”
I crossed my arms in front of myself, but allowed her to continue.
“Our people do not have a pleasant history with the Fae. They are reluctant to allow me to strike a bargain. They would prefer we skip this job altogether and continue southbound toward the Sea of Sands. Apparently, they received word that Rajandi was where our priestess was last spotted.”
My heart dropped and my chest grew unbearably tight. “We can’t abandon this job.”
Kallistra raised a brow. “They have fronted us enough coin that we would be able to afford enough supplies for a fairly easy passage through the Bog. The desert may pose an issue, but I’m certain I can find a guide for a cheap price.”
“What’re you saying right now?” My tone came out sharper than intended. I rose from the bed. “Are you suggesting that we rob them and leave the three of them on their own?”
Kallistra spoke calmly, plainly. “We could travel with them through the Azog Bog. It will be safer in numbers, anyway. When we arrive at the cave, we will simply continue south without them. We can leave in the night while it’s our turn on watch.”
“Are you joking?”
She tilted her head. “What’s gotten into you, Nairu?” She shoved her dagger back into its leather holster. “We’ve always done what it takes to survive. Lying, cheating, stealing. Whatever it takes to do what needs to be done for our people.”
“Never to this extent,” I hissed. “We’ve skipped out on tabs to secure a meal for a night. We’ve sneaked into the back of wagons for a free ride. We’ve never left people for dead!”
“I knew getting involved with that lot was going to complicate things unnecessarily. You are getting attached to people we are never going to see again. They were always just a stepping stone on our path, Nairu.” She stood from the bed and folded her arms, frowning. “This pilgrimage will get harder before it gets easier. Are you losing your will to fight?”
“No. I’m not.” I did not shy away from her as I knew she hoped I would.
“So, why are you behaving this way?”
I turned on my heel, looking back at her only once. “This is what having a backbone looks like. Is it not to your liking?”
And then I slammed the door. So much for reconciliation.