Chapter 17
T his time, it wasn’t a blurry nightmare, or a vague dream—it was a childhood memory that came to me in the night. One I’d carefully repressed and hadn’t understood how deeply it’d affected me until I’d met Alandris, Kaz, and Zorinna. Until I’d shared in their company and learned enough of them to consider them more than strangers—people I cared about. A fact that terrified me and made the memory resurface against my will. A blaring warning of what could happen if I got too close to anyone.
I ran through the ankle deep snow as quickly as my legs would take me. Just beyond the hill was a sheet of ice as far as the eye could see. My destination. The reason I’d risked it all to sneak out of the Hazki home while they were away at a meeting with the Elders. It was the first time that Kallistra had gone with her mother, and the only opportunity I’d had for freedom. I’d wanted to see the famed Sea of Ice that my people often spoke of.
Panting breath and laughter cut through the air behind me. “Saintess! Wait up!” the boy called after me.
He lived nearby. A black-haired boy around my age who’d caught me sneaking out alone. As it was forbidden, we had never spoken before, but I had caught glimpses of him around the village on the few occasions when I had ventured outside of Hazki property. Upon catching me, he’d insisted on coming along for the adventure. I didn’t have a good enough reason to deny him, and if I let him come along, I wouldn’t have to worry that he would rat me out to the Elders, so I’d agreed.
I came to a halt at the top of the hill, taking in the sight below. Words had not done it justice. The Sea of Ice was endless. Frozen solid, with the deep blue water beneath, barely visible. I’d never seen so much land. Trapped within the confines of our village, especially my small corner of it, I’d seen little else than our wood and stone buildings and the forest of spruce that surrounded them. There was an entire world out there beyond our village, and I’d never known about it.
“Wow!” the boy exclaimed. “My parents have never let me come down this way. I didn’t know this was here.” His russet eyes twinkled with wonder.
I needed a closer look. I carefully stepped down the other side of the hill, kicking the toe of my boot into the ground before each step to check for any slippery spots of ice. The wind was picking up, nipping at the few tiny spots of exposed skin around my ears and neck. My furs could only do so much. The worsening weather, with each night getting colder than the last, was part of the reason I was often kept inside.
“My name is Nawel.” He’d followed me down the hill, stumbling all the way. “Should I call you Saintess? Would you prefer your given name? The Elders say not to use it, but they also say not to speak to you, so…”
I nodded. We were breaking enough rules already. I didn’t see the point in avoiding adding another to the list. Still, I didn’t speak to him in return. Not out of obedience, but because I couldn’t find the words. My tongue felt awkward in my mouth. I’d only ever spoken with Kallistra and her mother, and a select few of my attendants, but even that was rare. I didn’t quite understand what I was supposed to say to the boy. Nawel.
We approached the edge of the ice, and Nawel gasped in awe. “It’s beautiful! Don’t you think, Nairu?”
I nodded once more.
Stepping onto the first few inches of ice, I peered into the water below its clear surface. You could see the way the water moved back and forth in waves, creating tiny bubbles of white foam. Something about it was captivating. I found myself following the flow of the water, walking atop the ice, stepping further and further away from the shoreline, until Nawel eventually called out to me.
“Nairu… I think you should come back!” His shouting voice wavered with unease.
When I turned around to peer at him, I realized just how far I’d gone. Nawel had remained at the shoreline and was now far enough that I could barely make out his features. Looking at him, I hesitated. Part of me wondered what would happen if I continued to walk along the ice, following the water to its destination. Would I eventually reach the end of the world… or something more?
I shoved the thought down and started back to Nawel. My mind was elsewhere, distracted enough that I hadn’t heard the first signs of the ice fracturing beneath my feet. I heard frantic shouting from the shoreline, and then felt a shock freeze my entire body as I plunged into the depths below. I struggled against the water, dragged down by the heaviness of my furs. My lungs expanded in agony as icy water flooded my mouth. I was only conscious a moment longer before everything faded to black.
When I woke, I found myself wrapped in thick furs at the side of a hearth. A hand was combing through my hair, stopping when I shifted my position.
“Saintess?” Kallistra’s mother, Talaya, looked down at me, letting out a deep sigh when her eyes met mine. “You live.”
I sat up slowly, looking around the room. I was home. “What happened?”
“Get dressed. We must go. Quickly.” She pursed her lips. “They may spare the boy if they learn that you’ve survived.”
Talaya rushed to the village hall where the Elders were meeting. When we entered, six of them were sitting in chairs along the back wall, arms folded in their laps as they stared at the family in front of them. I recognized Nawel immediately, held protectively between two adults who I assumed to be his parents. They were gripping him tightly, tears streaming down their faces.
“Please! He is just a boy!” the woman sobbed, dropping to her knees.
The Elder in the leftmost chair answered, “There is no greater sin than the crime he has committed. Boy or no, he put the Saintess’ life at stake, our entire people’s existence in jeopardy, and he must bear the consequences of his actions.” His eyes turned to Talaya and I. “The Saintess lives, but at what cost? What damage has her body suffered? The man who saved her lost his life. There are debts that cannot be repaid without blood.”
“I will take his punishment,” the man said, dropping to his knees beside his wife. “Spare my boy. I will pay for his crimes myself.”
I looked up at Talaya, begging her to say something, but she shook her head. Not even she, the matriarch of the family sworn to protect me, would stand up to the Elders. Their word was law.
“The boy dies,” the Elder said in finality. “Say your goodbyes.” He turned his attention to Talaya. “Remove the Saintess from here; she need not be subjected to such bloodshed.”
As Talaya grabbed my hand to leave, the Elder on the far right stood. “No. She should bear witness, so she, too, knows the consequences of turning her back on her people. There is nothing more important than the Saintess and her duty.” He looked at Nawel’s parents. “Shame on you both for putting your son’s life before that of the Saintess. It is a mercy I am allowing you both to live in spite of your clear lack of discipline.”
“Very well. She will watch,” the other Elder agreed.
At twelve years of age, I was forced to watch as they held Newal down on the table, forced to listen as he screamed in terror and his parents cried and continued to plead and beg for their son’s life. I was forced to watch as they dragged the knife down his chest, mercilessly taking their time with his murder, carving into his body as though it were sport. I witnessed the blood of the boy I’d spent half the day with drip down from the wood, pooling onto the floor in a puddle before his parents as their world shattered around them. I watched the life fade from his eyes, finally releasing him from the torture he’d had to endure. Because of me.
The memory faded from my mind, and I opened my eyes, staring up at the ceiling. After what had happened with Nawel, the Elders and Talaya had much less leniency with me. When we’d returned home was the one and only time Talaya had ever laid a hand on me, but she never looked at me the same. It wasn’t Nawel’s death that had made her colder. It was the fact that I’d put myself at risk despite everything I’d been told. A disobedient, imperfect Saintess.
After that, they stripped away almost all the little freedom I had. I spent most hours of the day locked alone in my room. Kallistra was permitted to interact with me, ‘to foster the relationship between Saintess and Keeper’, but even that was closely monitored. Books were the only thing I had to keep me company, so I studied and learned whatever I could.
For ten long years, I endured—until the night before my twenty-second birthday. The night I was to be erected as a proper Saintess, in the ceremony marking the beginning of my pilgrimage. A ritualistic tradition, where I was made to stand in the center of our village, before all of my people, in a sheer dress and crown. A shivering statue in the frigid cold, watching as each and every villager, several hundred of them, lined up to offer a single drop of their blood into the bowl at my feet.
Part of me knew, at least now, that it was wrong, horrible, sick—what they had done to me as a child. But it was all I’d ever known. It was only once we’d started the pilgrimage, and I’d gotten to experience some of life outside of our village, that I realized that our way of life wasn’t normal. By then, I believed I experienced a distorted sense of duty—as if I had a debt to my people. They were counting on me to save them, not just the Elders, but innocent people, too.
I took a deep breath and swung my legs over the side of the bed. Kallistra was sleeping soundly on the floor, but Zorinna was nowhere to be found. There would be no more sleep for me tonight, so I followed the path of lit sconces down the stairs until I found Kaz and Zorinna sitting together at the dining table. They were quietly whispering over the map of the Azog Bog, pinpointing different areas of the swamp. They both turned their heads at the sound of my footsteps.
“Can’t sleep?” Kaz asked, patting the seat beside him. “Rin and I were checking out any spots on the map that stood out to us. ”
“Rin?” Zorinna clicked her tongue.
“Do you like Zori better?”
“Absolutely not.”
I laughed, trying to keep my voice quiet so as not to wake anyone up. “Thanks, Kaz. I needed cheering up.”
“What’s wrong? You know I hate to see you upset.” Kaz leaned back in his chair, kicking his feet up onto the table. “I’m a good listener, and Rin here is…” He drummed his fingers along his chin.
Zorinna mouthed her favorite swear word at him.
I sighed. “It is… complicated.” I trusted them, but I wasn’t sure how much of my life story I was comfortable sharing. The more people who knew, the more chance it would get back to Kallistra, and I didn’t think she would take kindly to my loose lips. What we were doing and what I was, was meant to be a secret. I’d told Alandris in a moment of foolish vulnerability.
“Well, I won’t press you, Nairu, but whatever it is, I hope you know that we’re here for you, as friends.” Kaz slapped a hand down on my shoulder. “I know I don’t take things too seriously, but that’s the one thing I do. I’ll always have your back. I told you that when we first met, and I’m promising it to you now.”
“Yeah, me too,” Zorinna said, diverting her gaze. A faint blush was visible on her cheeks in the candlelight, and I got the impression that she was as awkward as I was when it came to the concept of friendship. “I’ve got your back.”
They were making it so damn hard to push them away. Every bone in my body was screaming at me to run, but they kept dragging me back. They were light and happiness, and companionship that I hadn’t felt in so long, possibly ever, and I was so utterly afraid of losing them. Every time I managed to convince myself that I didn’t care about them, that I wasn’t already in too deep, they would reappear and I would lose my will to fight against it.
“For a long time, I thought I didn’t need friends.” I looked down at my hands. “I was wrong about that, and a lot of things… I am not very good at this, but I will do my best to be there for you, too. I hope you’ll bear with me while I figure it out.” I forced myself to look at the two of them, to give as much of a smile as I could manage while holding back my tears.
Kaz jumped up from his spot and lifted me from my chair in a bear hug so tight I thought my bones were going to shatter. With his height, my feet were dangling off the ground, my body limp against him. I weakly slapped the top of his arm, hoping he would recognize that I was struggling to breathe.
He finally released me, and I took the deepest breath possible.
“Sorry.” He winced at the look of my skin before grinning. “But I felt like you needed it.”
I took another moment to breathe before bursting into laughter. Kaz joined in immediately, and even Zorinna allowed herself a moment of joyful amusement.
Friends. My friends.