Chapter 4
CHAPTER FOUR
Jennifer
My heart hasn’t stopped pounding like an ominous bass beat since Marni and Jersey convinced me to go to this “small Halloween gathering” at their college friend’s apartment.
I had said no at first, having declined every form of socializing that wasn’t just the three of us for several months now. But the look of disappointment and touch of annoyance on their faces had me feeling guilty enough to change my answer.
I’ve had four days to prepare since they asked me to come.
Four days to stress out.
Four days to convince myself that all will be fine.
Those four days did shit-all because the closer the Uber gets to our destination, the louder the beating in my chest gets, thumping in my ears just in case I can’t feel it against my ribs.
Since that night, I’ve become a public figure of both pity and scrutiny. It was never a question whether it actually happened, but whether I was at fault as well.
Parties have come into question, making them less frequent. Parents have become stricter, forcing kids to sneak around. And somehow, I’ve felt like I was to blame for it all. I’m sure others blame me, too, even my friends.
“I’m so happy you decided to come tonight.” Jersey bumps her bare knee against my denim-covered one. “It hasn’t been the same, you know? A duet doesn’t have the same ring to it as a trio.”
I smile at her, even as the guilt tries to flood my stomach. Honestly, I’m surprised they still want me around. I haven’t been very good company for the past five months. But either way, it’s nice to feel wanted.
I wish I could just move on and be normal again. I really do.
I cancelled the trips I had planned with them over the summer. I stopped hanging out with our usual group of friends. I stopped doing most things I used to love.
Tonight, though, I will fake it for them. “I’m glad I decided to come and get the trio back together.”
Her answering grin grows bigger, and she faces forward again.
“So, you know everyone who’s going to be there, right?”
“Yes,” Marni huffs, leaning forward to look at me past Jersey. Her eyes roll in what I’m sure she intended to be a playful way, but I can’t help noticing the irritation in her tone. “We already told you a million times.”
Twice.
“Sorry.” I face out the window again, quietly listening to “Shimmer” by Fuel on the Uber driver’s radio.
I’m trying not to wreck their night by burdening them with my issues. Jacob may be behind bars, but there are still others like him out there and I think that will forever be something I’m conscious of.
A moment later, fingers gently squeeze my thigh. “It’s okay. We won’t leave your side, anyway.”
I turn back to Jersey, her soft smile and friendly chocolate-colored eyes easing some of the tightness in my chest.
Her dark hair is much shorter now, barely reaching her shoulders, but the red tips are still there. I haven’t told her how much I hate those tips.
Marni’s hair has grown longer, like mine. But while hers was grown out purposefully, my length was due to neglect and not going to the hairdresser.
Straightening a non-existent crease in my jeans, I discreetly run my eyes over the costumes the girls are wearing; short skirts and tight, revealing tops are still their go-to outfits, so slutty nurse and slutty cat woman are perfect choices for them.
I, however, much prefer pants and looser fitting tops now—just one of the many changes over the past months—so a very lazy pirate outfit was my choice.
“Oh, look who it is!” Marni’s high-pitched voice pulls my attention, drawing it to the windshield to see what she’s looking at.
Jim, who I haven’t seen since shortly after that night, stands on the sidewalk smoking a cigarette while talking to two other guys dressed as Marvel characters.
I always liked Jim, but just like most of my other friendships, it kind of fizzled out when I stopped hanging out with everyone and didn’t reach out through texts.
I’m not sure if the girls have seen much of him either since he didn’t end up going to UIC with us. But they’ve still been very sociable, so it’s possible.
As soon as the Uber comes to a stop, Marni and Jersey scoot out of the back seat and onto the sidewalk after thanking him. I quickly give him a cash tip since I know Marni will be stingy before joining them.
Before I’ve even stood up straight, Marni is running up to Jim with a squeal, wrapping her entire body around him, causing him to laugh and drop his cigarette on the ground. “I haven’t seen you in so long,” she gushes. I guess that answers my earlier thought.
Jersey and I come to a stop beside them, the two guys he was with shifting so that we make a circle on the sidewalk.
“Hey, Jen, Jers,” he says with a grin once Marni has detangled herself from him. “Long time no see.”
“It’s been a while.”
Jersey leans in for a hug while I stay put.
Jim eyes me for an extra beat, like he wants to say something else—maybe bring up what happened or tell me he’s sorry. Or maybe he’s waiting for me to hug him as well.
Ultimately, he keeps his mouth closed, which I’m grateful for.
I glance at the two unfamiliar guys with him, both with blond hair, blue eyes, and similar features. Perhaps brothers. One of them gives me an appreciative look that I might have enjoyed once upon a time, but now it just makes me feel uncomfortable.
“These are two of my buddies,” Jim says, noticing where my attention is. “Kyle and Wills. We were just about to head back upstairs.”
“I’m the more handsome brother, obviously,” the one who eyed me says with a smile, to which the other ignores. “Nice to meet you.” They speak at the same time, both giving a small wave to not only me, but to the girls as well.
My eyes immediately swing back to my friends because they said they knew everyone who’d be here tonight. Marni shrugs at me with a tilt of her head as if to say, “Oh well, what can you do?” and starts following Jim through the building’s entrance.
Blowing out a breath, I try to shake off the feelings of betrayal. I’m sure they didn’t intentionally deceive me. People invite other friends at the last minute all the time. It’s not always in our control.
I also know that, just because you know someone, it doesn’t mean they can’t or won’t do bad things.
But the girls had assured me that they not only knew but trusted everyone going. We’re not even inside yet, and it’s already been proven false. How many more people will be inside that they don’t know?
Everyone starts walking toward the building, and despite wanting nothing more than to turn around and go back home, I decide to follow them.
Right before I take a step, a heavy arm drapes across my shoulders, and I freeze, my limbs turning to ice as I stare ahead and watch my friends walk away from me.
“You coming, sweetheart?”
The person squeezes my shoulder, their arm holding me captive, and memories come rushing at me, bringing me back to that night.
They try to urge me along, but I can’t seem to move. If I do, I’ll be back in that field. If I look up, I’ll see that red hood.
He’s come back to get me.
“Hey, what’s wrong?”
I’m vaguely aware of my trembling body, of Jersey turning around and rushing back after seeing my face. What must it look like?
“Shit.” She shoves the guy’s arm off my shoulder. “Hey. I got you. I’m here.”
“What’s wrong with her?”
Finally, I blink several times, angling my head to look up at the guy, who is one of Jim’s friends. Kyle? The one whose gaze had lingered on me. No red hood, just messy blond hair above creased brows and worried lips.
“Uh, n-nothing. Nothing is wrong.” I clear my throat, an uncomfortable breathy laugh coming out. “Sorry.”
“Didn’t seem like nothin’.” He lingers close, as if he’s going to touch me again, maybe feel my forehead or something.
“It’s fine.” Jersey steps between us, virtually shooing him away. “You can go ahead.”
Embarrassment has my cheeks feeling hot. Sure, it was a little presumptuous and overly friendly of him to put his arm around me, but I’m sure he meant nothing by it. Then I react like that.
“You sure?” he asks.
“Yes, thank you. We’ll be inside in a second.” Once he’s walked away, Jersey turns to face me, placing both hands on my shoulders. “What happened?”
Puffing out my cheeks, I give a little head shake.
“I don’t know. He touched me and I just .
. . froze. Suddenly, I was there again.” Lips pursed, her gaze roams over my face, simultaneously concerned and puzzled as to what to do with me.
“Maybe I should just go home. Then you guys don’t have to worry about me. ”
Her face falls along with her hands. “I don’t want you to leave.”
My insides twist. I hate that she feels this responsibility toward me. But I also hate that I feel so conflicted. If I go, she’ll be upset, but if I stay, I’ll feel like a burden—like someone who needs babysitting. That’s all I’ve felt like lately.
“We don’t have to stay for long.”
The pleading in her eyes is what does me in. She’s been so careful and accommodating to me these past months. I should be able to handle one night of hanging out with a few people.
And I did say I’d fake it for her and Marni tonight, didn’t I?
Pasting what I’m sure is an awful smile on my face, I loop my arm through hers and turn her toward the building. “Okay. Let’s go inside.”
With an excited squeal from Jersey, we walk through the entrance and join the others in the foyer, then ride the elevator up to the third floor.
I avoid eye contact with Kyle, though he seems to have already switched his interest to Marni, probably deciding I was more trouble than an easy lay.
As soon as the elevator doors open, Marni and the three guys rush out ahead of us and head straight for the apartment, while Jersey and I move at a steadier, slower pace.
I can already hear it from here in the hall: the music, the people, the bass that’s thumping in time with my pulse as we approach.