Chapter 34
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
Jennifer
Jacob is out of prison.
He is out.
And instead of any speck of happiness that I might have at the thought of him being free, the pit in my stomach is still growing.
Not only will he remain on the sex offenders’ list, but I also found out that he applied for a job at a grocer in a small town on the Californian coast, near Morro Bay, and was promptly rejected.
I’m not sure how the PI found that out, but I had asked for every piece of information he could get on Jacob’s life, and that was part of it.
Maybe it’s wrong, and maybe it’s intrusive, but I’m desperate to help him somehow.
So desperate, in fact, that I tried calling the owner, Josie, a few minutes ago, asking her to reconsider her decision. But all she did was laugh, then hung up on me, leaving me with my heart in my throat.
Maybe the holiday spirit will hit her, and she’ll change her mind, but I doubt it. She thought I was crazy for asking such a thing.
Fisting my phone, I lean my forehead against the cool window, eyes closing.
Is this a glimpse into what life will look like for him now?
I thought things would be better for him once he was out.
I thought he’d finally be able to put everything behind him and finally start his life.
I obviously wasn’t thinking, or rather, I was trying to fool myself, because that never would have been the case.
My heart aches like it’s been pulverized all over again.
I quickly pocket my phone when I hear Mase come out of the bathroom, attempting to pull myself together by sucking in some deep breaths through my tight lungs.
Turning from the window, I watch as he walks into the living room, his wet hair releasing a few drops of water down his neck that I trace with my eyes.
Dressed in a simple outfit of grey sweatpants and a white T-shirt, he still somehow manages to look mouth-watering.
Mase is another source of my aching heart. Not because he’s done anything wrong, but because he’s done everything right.
I tried to keep some distance between us, tried so hard not to let my feelings for him grow, but it was no use.
Every sweet gesture, every comforting word, every soft touch, along with his protectiveness, has had me blanketed in feelings I can’t resist.
The knowledge that I shouldn’t be entangling our lives more than I already have has made it feel like I’ve been dragging around a heavy weight—and its only getting heavier each day, tearing away at my flesh.
And even though my conscience is constantly at war with my heart, I crave his closeness, his care, his eyes looking at me like they are right now . . . like I mean something.
And it’s killing me.
He lifts a hand to ruffle his hair as he moves toward me, his bicep straining against the short sleeve wrapped around it.
I can’t help but remember how those arms have been holding me close every night, like he can feel the impending destruction, too.
Holding me close generally leads to fucking while half asleep, before falling back to sleep again.
The number of times I’ve sought him out to find a release from this grief is ridiculous. Any time my mind starts to wander into dangerous territory, I initiate sex, just to slow down the deterioration of my mental state. And Mase is just as insatiable as me.
We’ve spent days discovering each other’s bodies, learning every groove and freckle, each pleasure spot and ticklish area.
Even still, when he gives me that crooked smile as he approaches, I feel color tinting my cheeks.
“Hey you.”
“Hi.”
Stepping in close, he wraps those muscular arms around my lower back, pulling me tighter while looking down at me.
I feel every inch of his warmth seep into my skin, and for a moment, I lean into it.
But then the guilt rushes back in, and every point of contact feels like pinpricks. It makes me feel claustrophobic, like I’m suffocating.
This isn’t right. None of this is.
But I knew this day was coming, when everything would rise to the surface, didn’t I? I couldn’t hide from what I did forever.
“Everything okay?” His dark eyes sweep over my face, the soft tone of his voice making my gut twist even more. He’s so fucking kind, so gorgeous it hurts to look at him.
I swallow, trying to force a smile. “Everything is fine.”
I feel his hands drift higher up my back, his fingers splaying wide and heat searing into my back. There’s a little tug on my hair, and I know he’s twisting some strands around his finger—something I’ve noticed he likes doing, even when he doesn’t realize.
His eyes flicker back and forth between mine. “Have I told you that Friday is my favorite day?”
“Oh? Why is that?”
The side of his mouth lifts in an almost sad smile, and he pulls the section of hair he has wrapped around his finger over the front of my shoulder, continuing to twirl it, his gaze pulled to it. “Because you don’t work at the club, and I get to see you in my class.”
He’s made it no secret that he doesn’t like me working at Tease, with all his grumbling and furrowed brows.
But each day I force myself to leave for work, knowing that he’s jealous, and that it confuses him why I continue to work there when he knows I hate it.
I don’t know what to say right now, so I simply drop my eyes to his chest, sinking my teeth into my bottom lip.
“I will see you later tonight, right?”
I nod, lifting my eyes again. “I’ll be there.” I’m surprised my voice doesn’t come out sounding like my throat is filled with sand, considering how dry it is.
Mase smiles, and it’s the type that reaches into your chest and squeezes your heart, making you want to say whatever you can just to keep it there.
I had no hope of not falling for him. And I have fallen for him, heart and broken soul.
“I’m just going to grab a snack, and then I’m taking off.”
“Okay,” I murmur.
Releasing me, he goes into the kitchen, and I take the opportunity to escape into the guest bedroom, where most of my belongings are, just so I can take a full breath again.
As soon as I step through the door, I bend at the waist, sucking air in through my nose while trying to loosen some of the constriction I feel.
A chill spreads through my body, and I find myself scanning the window to see if it’s open, even though I know it’s not. It’s probably not even cold in here, to be honest.
I rub my arms in an effort to warm up. When that doesn’t work, I walk to the closet, reaching for one of my thicker sweaters on the top shelf that I haven’t needed for a while.
Something falls to the floor when I yank it off, and when I look down, I realize it’s a photo.
I slip on my sweater, then drop to my knees to take a closer look.
With trembling fingers, I pick it up, my racing heart thumping in my ears, a headache blooming at the base of my skull while my soul feels like it’s shattering all over again.
I stare at the five teenagers in the picture, my shaky finger tracing over each boy.
Mase, Jacob, Campbell, Jason, and Neil, all standing together with their arms over each other’s shoulders, while Campbell pretends to punch Jacob.
I can’t stop staring at Jacob’s smiling face.
You ruined that, you fucking monster.
Breaths rush out of me, my throat closing up.
I hear Mase come down the hall and quickly scramble to my feet, returning the photo to the top shelf before stepping away from it.
Mase wanders through the doorway with his gym bag slung over his shoulder, his dark eyes immediately seeking me out. It feels like a prickly vine is spreading from my stomach and curling around my organs, stabbing at my insides.
How could I let things get this far?
How could I do this to him?
Mase doesn’t deserve to be in the dark. He doesn’t deserve me.
The way he’s looking at me right now makes me sick because I know it’s a look of care and . . . love.
I tried to fool myself into thinking he didn’t have feelings for me, but deep down, I knew his were growing along with mine. It’s been eating away at my insides.
Mase steps further into the room, eyeing me curiously. “Are you sure you’re okay? You’re looking a little pale.”
No.
I force the tears to stay down and place a hand on my stomach. “Actually, I’m feeling a little off. I think I might lay down for a bit.”
Two lines appear between his brows. “Can I get you anything? Do you want me to stay home?”
“No.” I laugh lightly while everything inside me twists further. “You go. I’ll be fine.”
A skeptical expression remains as he shifts his bag strap higher, but he doesn’t insist on staying.
Instead of leaving right away, he casts his eyes around the room like he’s nervous.
“I was actually thinking . . . maybe you could come with me to my mom’s place on Christmas day.
” My mouth parts, eyes slightly widening as panic flares.
“You don’t have to decide right now,” he quickly adds. “Just think about it, okay?”
I close my mouth and nod. “Okay.”
I can’t go with him. I can’t. But I don’t want to say it out loud right now.
With another small smile, he steps toward me, palming my cheek and kissing my forehead. “Get some rest. I’ll see you later.”
“I will. See you.”
After a lingering look, he walks out of my room, then the apartment.
I feel like I’m going to be sick, because I know I need to leave, and it’s breaking my heart in two.
Mase needs to know. I need to tell him. I’m going to tell him.
But I’m not going to do it here, in his home.
Clint said my apartment still smells of fresh paint, but that I could return if I wanted. Of course, it was Mase who insisted I stay here for another few days.
With tears welling inside my eyes and a sob lodged in my throat, I pull my bags out from under the bed, then start filling them with all my clothes and belongings.