Chapter 11
The morning has been long, but by seeing everyone again, being consumed by their love, and having Jules by my side, I’m able to push the lingering darkness from my thoughts.
Andie checked me over and assured me that there isn’t any actual dark magic within my veins, but that doesn’t mean my psyche is suddenly all better. My wolf had been right before. We’d been ready to end it all, and then our beacon of light pierced through the bleakness at the perfect time.
I don’t suspect I’ll be the mate she deserves as quickly as I’d like, but I know with Jules’ support, I’ll get closer every day.
After we have breakfast with my parents, Dawsyn, Cillian, Cait, Roman, Andie, and Foster, I go in search of two people I’m surprised I haven’t seen yet: Lexi and Lykem.
Jules stays behind to check in with her sister and sends me toward their house on my own. Apparently, my mate’s become friends with Lexi over the years and told me I’d be just fine. Though, my heart doesn’t feel the same.
Every step further from Jules makes me feel as if there’s a noose around my heart, tightening by the second. We’re not officially bonded, yet our connection after all this time… I’m not sure how long I’ll be able to fight it.
Not that I don’t want Jules as mine officially. It’s more that I want to be worthy of her before that happens. I’ve waited my whole life for this woman. Even before I knew her, I knew of her. My eyes never strayed for another, there wasn’t an attraction strong enough to make me want to cross that line with any woman that wasn’t my mate.
Dawsyn, the only person to know this about me, thought I was crazy, but now that I have Jules, I’m even more certain that I made the right choice for all those years.
Our mate has been and will always be worth waiting for, my wolf says undoubtedly. We will be worthy of her greatness soon.
Soon can’t come quick enough.
Approaching the path that Jules said I’d take to find Lexi and Lykem’s house, I see the latter coming toward me. His eyes go wide, and he comes to a swift stop. “River?”
Apparently, word about my return hasn’t made it to them.
He resumes walking, lengthening his stride, and pulls me into a tight embrace as soon as he’s close enough. “Holy shit, man. It’s really you.” He chuckles and steps back. “Lexi is screaming in my head. She’s in the shower or she’d probably be here in two-point-five seconds.”
I return his grin. “Tell her not to rush. I’m not going anywhere again.”
“You better not be.” His face hardens. “A lot of people missed you.”
I kick at a pebble on the dirt path. “Yeah, I’m realizing that.”
Lykem clasps my shoulder. “But a lot of people are also alive because of your sacrifice. What you did? I can’t imagine how hard that was.”
A dark laugh escapes me. “Neither could I. I wasn’t exactly myself while I was…gone.”
He tightens his grip on me. “No matter what happened, you should be proud, River. I was angry for months after finding Lexi. I wanted retribution for my mate and kept being told that we had to wait, and then Sophie did what she did.” The dragon shifter’s head shakes. “That wasn’t a good time for me, feeling so helpless, but when we heard what you were doing? That gave my Lexi the peace she’d been missing. I can’t thank you enough for that.”
His praise feels unwarranted. I should have been stronger, done more. Yet, I know that I sacrificed so much. Maybe in time I’ll be able to see this situation as everyone else does, with me as the hero.
“Lexi is waiting for you,” Lykem adds when I don’t respond. “You’re lucky I trust you. Another man making my mate scream like that… Anyone else would lose their head.”
That makes me crack a smile again. “Thanks, Lykem.”
“Of course. I’ll see you soon, I’m sure.”
I won’t be leaving the pack anytime soon. I have no reason or desire to do so, and I hope Maciah knows that saving all those supernaturals was my last job as a protector. As much as I enjoyed what I did, I don’t know that I can go back to that life, not after it took me away from everyone I love for so long.
In fact, I’m surprised Maciah and Amersyn weren’t here this morning, but that’s something I’ll have to inquire about later. Lexi’s cabin comes into view, and she’s waiting for me on the porch.
When our gazes connect, she runs forward and leaps for me. “River!”
She was my childhood best friend, second only to Dawsyn, and kidnapped by the people I took down. Lexi lost fifteen years of her life because of greedy humans and supernaturals. That reminder is enough to make my dark thoughts return, but when she pulls back and smiles up at me, I know I need to be strong for her.
“When did you get back? How did you get back?” She appraises me. “And more importantly, are you okay?”
I force my mouth to lift. “The middle of last night, Jules found me and broke through the block on my memories, and yes, all things considered, I’m fine.”
She grabs my hand and pulls me toward her house. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to assault you with questions. I just… This is a shock.”
“It’s okay,” I tell her sincerely. “I’ve already prepared myself for having this conversation many times over again.”
She waves a hand. “Just tell Dawsyn. She’ll make sure nobody bothers you.”
“It’s not a problem.” I shrug as we enter her home.
The place is a lot like Jules’. Though, that’s not surprising. I remember most of these cabins all being similar. One or two bedrooms, a bathroom, a moderate living area, and a kitchen. Nothing fancy, but just enough to be comfortable.
Lexi shakes her head. “You’ve always been too kind for your own good, River. I spent a lot of months after you saved my friends being thankful you never lost that trait, but when are you going to put yourself first? I hope now, because you and Jules deserve that.”
Her question weighs down on me. Putting others first has always come naturally to me, but I also know she’s right. I’m going to need to make some changes in my life if I’m going to get things where I want them, with Jules by my side.
She grabs two cups of coffee from the kitchen counter and gestures toward the oak table on our left. “Have a seat.” She slides a green mug toward me. “One spoon of sugar, no milk. Is that still how you like your coffee?”
“How in the world do you remember that?” Hell, I don’t even remember that until she says so.
She grins and taps her temple. “It’s like an iron trap in here. Some days that’s a curse, but after recovering from the shit they pumped into me, I swore to never take my memory for granted. It was over a year after finding my way here that I finally felt like myself again.”
I reach across the table and place my hand over hers. “I’m sorry I never went looking for you. They said that you’d?—”
She cuts me off. “What happened to me is in the past, River. I’ve healed and moved on, and I’ve never been happier. All you need to worry about is doing the same for yourself. Find grace and patience and love for you. There’s no denying how much everyone else already has that for you, but that’s not what’s important for your healing.”
I take a sip of the coffee and try to lighten the mood. “What happened to the daredevil that thought consequences didn’t exist?”
“She spent fifteen years trapped in a cage, being drugged.”
That backfired rather quickly.
“I’m so?—”
She holds a hand up. “I already told you. I’m fine.”
“Fair enough.” I set my mug back down on the table, deciding to try and change the subject another way. “I heard you and Jules have become friends.”
Lexi’s grin widens. “She’s quite the woman. A little young, but you’ve always been younger at heart than the rest of us. The two of you will be good together.”
She’s not wrong about that, and the reminder of Jules has me rubbing my chest. The need to run back to her, touch her, and just be near her is almost maddening. It wasn’t like this before, but I knew I couldn’t have Jules back then. Maybe that’s the difference. Maybe I wouldn’t have needed the potion to keep me away. Maybe I could have…
I take a deep inhale, and Lexi reaches for me. “It’s going to be okay, Riv. You’ll get through this. We’ll all make sure of it.”
When I meet her steady gaze, I nod. “Thanks, Lexi.”
“The four of us will do dinner this week,” she says, standing up. “For now, go be with your mate and keep your head clear. When you can’t, lean on your wolf. He’ll be your second-best ally after Jules.”
I take her advice to heart since I have firsthand knowledge of what she went through. Though I was never trapped in a cage, I was still trapped in my own hell.
I give her a hug, and she whispers in my ear, “Don’t think about the things you did. Remember the people you saved. Focus on your future and all the good things that have yet to pass.”
“I will. I promise.”
And I mean that. Not for Lexi or even Jules, but for myself. She’s right. I need to find who I am again.
Not the monster I had to be while I was gone, but the man I am meant to be.