Chapter 12
“Isaid no.” My tone is nearly as sharp as my fangs, but Amersyn isn’t understanding. I won’t be welcome at the reunion with River. I’m the one that sent him away, the one who handed him the potion and continued to send him subsequent doses while ignoring all the signs that something was wrong.
I knew he wasn’t okay. I knew that his lack of care had gone too far, but I didn’t pull him out when I had the chance. He was making too much progress. He was saving dozens of supernaturals at a time. My mind only wanted to see the bigger picture. Until it was too late.
“You’ve got to be kidding me.” Amersyn throws her hands up in the air. “You’re being ridiculous.”
I snarl at her. “I’m being respectful.”
“They sent Andie here to get us,” she reminds me for the fifth time. “They want us there, and that includes you. Nobody blames you, Maciah. Stop trying to be a martyr.”
“Who is they?” I step into her personal space, my face only inches from hers. “Because we haven’t been included in anything for over a year. Why now?”
She sighs and grips my face tightly. “I’ve already told you. There hasn’t been anything to be invited to. And it’s happening now because there’s a reason to get everyone together, one we shouldn’t miss out on.”
I jerk my head out of her hold and start walking away. “Just go without me. You’re who they really want there.”
Something heavy slams into my back, then thuds against the carpet in my office. I turn around slowly, my eyes on the ground. “Did you just throw a stapler at me?”
I return my gaze to Amersyn. Her arms are crossed, and her left brow raised. “I did, and if you don’t want the letter opener protruding from your skull next, then you’ll quit being such a pain in my ass.”
She stomps toward me, but I hold my hand out. “You don’t understand.”
Her laughter is thrown in my face. “I don’t understand? Me? Your mate, the one who has stood by your side these past few years as I’ve watched guilt eat you alive?” Her chuckle grows darker. “You think I don’t understand. Right. Okay.”
She starts to storm off, but I grab her wrist. “Amersyn, wait.”
My mate whirls around and shoves me back. “No. I’ve been doing that and I’m done. I love you, Maciah—more than anyone else in the world—but this has to end. You need to pull your head out of your ass and see that there isn’t a single person who blames you for what happened to River.”
They might not, but none of them know that I could have saved him and chose not to. I chose to let him continue down his dark path. I sacrificed someone important to all of us to save the kidnapped supernaturals. I did that, and I don’t deserve to be surrounded by the family I wronged.
Amersyn’s fingers grab fistfuls of my white dress shirt. “Damn it, Maciah! Talk to me. You’ve been shutting me out for long enough, and I’m done. Don’t make me go with Andie alone. Don’t make me leave you behind. Tell me what’s really bothering you.”
The words stay lodged in my throat. They’re the only secret I have from my mate. My guilt, my shame, the hate I have for myself for choosing strangers over River, someone who trusted me to keep him safe.
Tears pool in my mate’s heavy gaze. I can’t remember the last time I saw her cry, and her pain pours into me like a savage storm. “Please, Maciah.”
I hate hurting her, but more than that, I’m afraid she’ll hate me when she learns the truth of what I did. Except, staring into her eyes, knowing how I’m hurting her, I know I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep this secret and keep her trapped here. It’s not fair, and Amersyn deserves better than that, better than me.
My stare casts down to the floor, unable to look at her as I speak. “I could have saved him. About two years ago, I knew things had gone too far. I should have pulled River out then, but we were so close to finishing this and there were still people to save. I chose them over our family. I’m the reason he?—”
Amersyn tightens her hold on me, giving me a solid shake. “Look at me, Maciah.”
I squeeze my eyes shut, unable to do as she’s demanding.
“You stubborn, stubborn vampire.” She sighs. “Fine, then you’ll listen. River made his choice to go undercover, he made the choice to take that potion, and knowing that boy, he would do it all over again to save those people. Even if you had the chance to pull him out of that situation, he wouldn’t have let you.”
My head snaps up. “You don’t know that.”
“And neither do you,” she says pointedly. “We can’t change the past. We can only hope for a better future. What matters most now is that River is fine and there is no longer a human threat to our communities. That’s what you should be focused on, not the things we can no longer change. River has asked for you. Don’t make him feel as if you don’t care by not showing up.”
Her last words slash at my chest like a venomous snake. I want to believe she’s right, but I’ve spent so many months blaming myself that I don’t know how to focus only on the future. I don’t want to make things worse by showing up and…
There’s a soft knock on my office door, and I scent Andie waiting on the other side.
“It’s time, Maciah,” Amersyn says, flattening my shirt back out and staring up at me with all the love in the world. “Come with me and see for yourself. I promise, if you feel any sort of resentment, we will leave together, and I’ll let you keep wallowing without giving you anymore shit. But when you receive nothing but love from our family, you need to promise me that you’ll work on moving past this guilt. I’ve missed you, Maciah, and I need you to find a way back to me, please.”
A new wave of shame plows into me, making me suck in a sharp breath. “I’m sorry, Amersyn. I’m so fucking sorry.” I pull her against my chest, wrapping my arms around her until I can’t tell where she begins and I end. “I’m going to be better. I’ll be better. I promise.”
“Thank you,” she murmurs, then looks up at me with shiny eyes and a half smile. “I love you.”
“I love you more than life itself.” My lips brush over hers and even though I don’t really want to, I say, “We should go.”
“Thank you.” She kisses me again. “You won’t regret this.”
I hope like hell that she’s right.
She takes my hand and leads me toward the door. Sure enough, Andie is still waiting on the other side, a crease between her brows. “I don’t like your soundproof room. Is everything okay?”
Amersyn nods. “It will be. Let’s go.”
My stomach churns and the air in my lungs feels heavier than smoke, but I don’t turn back. My mate needs me to be strong, and I’m going to show her I’m still the man she deserves, even if I’m not sure I am. I can’t lose her, not because of my own guilt.
Andie settles a hand on each of our shoulders. “East Texas, here we come.”
The world goes black for a few seconds, and then the bright afternoon sun beats down on us, humidity clinging to my skin.
“Maciah?”
I was hoping to see Roman first, get a feel for things, but it seems I’m not getting that benefit.
Turning to my left, I see River. His hair is longer, and he’s lost some weight, but the darkness that was there when I last saw him isn’t as prominent.
“I was hoping I’d see the two of you,” he says with a smile.
Amersyn goes to him first, giving River a hug. “We wouldn’t have missed your first day back home.”
I might have without Amersyn, but he doesn’t need to know that. I’ve caused enough pain already.
River reaches a hand toward me. “It’s good to see you. Dawsyn let me know everything is finally done. Is that right?”
Awkwardly, I accept his handshake and nod. “Yes.”
“Hey, Am,” Andie says not-so-casually. “Cait wants us out at her house. Come on.”
Before I can object, I’m left alone with the person who can break me with just a few words if he chooses.
“What was all that about?” he asks, watching them race across the yard.
“Listen, River,” I say, shoving my hands into the pockets of my black slacks. “I’m sorry?—”
He cuts me off, just like Amersyn did. “I’m not a child anymore, Maciah. I made my own choices. I knew what you were asking of me that day in your office, even if you didn’t. I knew what I would have to do, and that was a choice I gladly made. You couldn’t have talked me out of it, and neither of us could have known how bad things were going to get. Yet, someone had to do it.”
“But it didn’t have to be you,” I say, still unable to look at him.
“I think it did.”
Those four words finally have me lifting my gaze. “What do you mean?”
“The more I’ve been talking to others, the more I realize that for most, it would have been easier to succumb to the darkness, to truly become one of the monsters we were trying to take down. I had every reason not to. Even if I lost myself for a while, I made it back. I can’t say the same would have happened if you’d sent another protector into that nightmare. That, combined with all the people we saved… I don’t regret my choice and you shouldn’t either.”
I hear what he’s saying and even Amersyn’s earlier words repeat in my mind, but none of that absolves me of the guilt. Not today anyway. Maybe one day I’ll get there. Though, I can’t deny, seeing River and hearing how strong he’s being about the whole thing, it helps. My mate was, of course, right in that aspect.
“I’m glad you’re home, River,” I tell him because there really isn’t much else to say.
“Thanks.” He looks past me before meeting my gaze again. “I’m going to go find Jules. I hope you guys are sticking around for a while. I hear there’s a big cookout planned tonight.”
I only nod as he walks away since I can’t be certain we’ll stay that long, but it’s a possibility, especially if Amersyn and Andie are plotting against me. There might not be any other choice but for me to be here for dinner.
Amersyn’s scent wafts toward me, and in the next second, she’s skidding to a stop at my side and grinning. “That went well.”
“You didn’t go see Cait,” I needlessly point out with a glare.
She rolls her eyes while also settling her palms over my chest. “Of course not. I stayed close in case you needed me, but just as I assured you before, nobody blames you for what happened, and River was and still is capable of making his own decisions. The only thing left is for you to forgive yourself.”
I press my forehead against hers and breathe her in. “You’re a pain in my ass, but I wouldn’t want anyone else by my side.”
She smirks. “Nobody else could handle you.”
Probably not.
Amersyn grabs my hand. “Come on. Roman and Cait actually do want to see us, along with Dawsyn. Then, Andie mentioned something about Foster and?—”
“I get it,” I cut her off with a smile. “Everyone wants to see us. You were right, I was wrong. Everything is going to be okay.”
Her eyes practically glow with glee. “You’re such a smart man, agreeing with your mate.” Then, she sobers. “My promise still stands, Maciah. You came, you spoke with River. If you want to leave at any point, regardless of who still wants to visit with us, then we go. No questions asked.”
“Just don’t ditch me again.” I kiss her. “And I’ll be just fine.”
“I didn’t leave you before, and I never will.” She grins widely. “You’re stuck with me for our very, very long lives.”
“I’ll hold you to that,” I tell her greedily. “For our very, very long lives.”