CHAPTER 41
NOAH
I pull the hood of my sweater over my head and shuffle down in my seat, getting myself comfortable for the night as I watch all of the lights in the house switch off one by one.
This has become a sort of ritual for me now. Every night, I park between the trees lining Killian’s driveway and camp out until the sun rises.
It’s the only way I’m getting even an ounce of sleep.
Just knowing that Bella is merely a few feet away rather than miles, settles some of the turmoil inside of me.
I tried to sleep in my bed – our bed – on the second night and made it only an hour before I couldn’t handle the overwhelming scent of her and had to get out.
Pulling my phone out, I open Bella’s message thread and type out the same message I’ve sent every night.
Me: Good night, Bella.
I’ve debated adding I love you to the end of that, but after the way she got out of my truck and walked away without a single word the last time I’d said it, I decided against it.
I watch as it goes from delivered to read and I hold my breath as I wait for the dots to appear.
Just like every night, they don’t come, but just like every night, I keep watching for any sign that she might change her mind and respond.
Only, I’m interrupted by a light knock on the window, causing me to jump. My head rears to the side, heart dropping with a tinge of disappointment when I’m met with Killian’s stormy gaze.
He jerks his chin at me in a way that tells me to get out of the truck and with a sigh, I toss my phone on the passenger seat, open my door and step out.
With arms folded over his chest, he looks me up and down and shakes his head. “How long are you going to keep this up?”
“As long as it takes,” I respond, my tone not faltering.
Killian sighs, his shoulders dropping. “Come on.”
I frown, watching in confusion as he starts to walk away before snapping myself out of it and following behind him.
He leads us through a long row of trees until the small seating area I helped him build comes into view and he takes a seat on one of the Adirondack chairs before pulling two beers out of the pocket of his sweats and handing me one.
My eyebrows raise in surprise, but I quickly mask it, taking the beer from him and moving to the chair next to his.
We’re quiet for a moment, the two of us opening and taking a drink from our beers. Killian relaxes back into his chair, pulling a box of cigarettes from his pocket and bringing one to his mouth.
I flick a quick glance at him. “I thought you quit.”
He lights the cigarette, takes a long drag and blows out a mouthful of smoke before replying. “Yeah, well some creep decided to take up residence in my driveway and I’m stressed.”
I huff a laugh, relaxing back into my chair and picking at the label on my bottle. “Fair point.”
He watches me curiously as he smokes and I find myself fidgeting. “This isn’t healthy, you know.”
“I’m aware.”
“So why are you still here?” Killian asks, but not in a way that says he wants me gone, more out of curiosity than anything else.
“I…” I try to think of an excuse, but shake my head, opting to go with the truth. “It’s the only way I can get some sleep.”
“Jesus,” he huffs, the sound full of disbelief. “You’re a fucking mess, Noah.”
“Thanks,” I mutter, tone dripping with sarcasm.
Killian opens his mouth but then quickly closes it again as if he was about to say something but changed his mind and I watch as his mind runs wild with questions that he no doubt has for me. He does this for at least five minutes and eventually I get tired of the tense silence and snap.
“Whatever it is you have to say, just say it.”
The bite in my tone obviously aggravates him because he wastes no time. “Are you even sorry?”
“Sorry that I lied or sorry that I did it?” I ask, clarifying.
“Both.”
I breathe a long sigh, knowing that he’s not going to like my answer either way. “I’m sorry that I lied to you, to her, but I’m not sorry that it happened. I’ll never be sorry for that.”
His jaw twitches as he clenches his teeth together, grip tightening around the bottle in his hand.
“I love your sister, Killian. I think I’ve always loved her.” My voice cracks on that last part, and I blink my gaze away from him to stare out into the trees as my eyes begin to burn.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” His question is a low murmur.
Well, ain’t that a loaded question.
Running a hand over the untrimmed scruff on my jaw, I think about my answer for a moment before responding. “There’re a few reasons why I didn’t tell you but none that don’t sound like an excuse.”
“Tell me anyway.” He jerks his chin in my direction.
“Remember that day you asked me to promise I’d stay away from her?” I ask, my mind running back to that day on the lake.
He dips his head, urging me to continue.
“Right before you pulled me aside, she’d been telling me about how she dreamed of having a café one day.
She went into so much detail, even showing me the list of recipes she had been jotting down in her little notebook for years.
And I just remember watching her, in complete awe at this girl who had such big ambitions but had been dealt such a shitty hand in life.
I remember looking at her face and for the first time seeing how beautiful she was despite it all. ”
A smile touches my lips as I think about Bella. “That was the first time I felt something. But when you pulled me aside and I saw the pleading in your eyes, I knew I couldn’t pursue her. And I never did.”
I look over at him, not shying away as I admit the full truth to him.
“Until the night of your eighteenth birthday party. And when I woke up the next morning, I laid there for the longest time with my eyes closed, listening to her freak out while images of your face from that day at the lake played in my mind on repeat.”
Taking a long drink from my bottle, I use the moment for a reprieve.
“In my own fucked up way, I thought I was doing the right thing. I could hear Bella panicking, hell, I was panicking. She tried to talk to me that morning. And I thought it would just be easier if I pretended it never happened. God.” I drop my head back, a dry laugh leaving me. “It sounds so fucking stupid out loud.”
“I fully expected her to shut me out after that. To avoid me. But she didn’t.
She just continued to come around with Daisy and act like nothing happened, but I could see it in her eyes every time she looked at me.
I was so fucking paranoid that one of us would slip up and say something that I almost told you. ”
“But you didn’t.” Killian cuts in and I shake my head.
“No. Because then Daisy left. You spiralled after that, Bella distanced herself and it all just got… pushed aside.” I huff, shaking my head as I make my next confession. “You know how I went after Daisy?”
Killian nods, his eyes narrowing slightly.
“I didn’t just do that for you. I did it for Bella, too.
Because although Daisy had broken your heart and left you without a word, she’d also left Bella.
And in some selfish way, I think I did it for me as well.
‘Cause without Daisy around, there was no need for Bella to be around and I fucking hated that. I wanted her around me all the time. Paranoid or not.”
I think back to that time, remembering how Killian completely closed himself off and threw himself into work. How I felt like everything was falling apart bit by bit and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
I remember the hope that bloomed in my chest when I ran into the Rhodes twins at an auction and they told me about the horse groomer called Daisy they had hired from Rosewater Creek. And how she had turned me away, no matter how much I pleaded with her to come home with me.
I shrug my shoulders. “But Daisy wouldn’t come back and so I’d watch Bella from afar instead.
Watch who she hung out with and, if she was dating anyone.
It makes me sound like a creeper, but the thought of her dating someone else made me sick and I didn’t understand why.
So, I started sleeping around. I thought it would help me get her out of my head.
You and everyone around me already thought of me as some kind of fuck boy, so I thought I might as well live up to it. ”
Wetting my lips, I shift in my seat. “When Savannah started dating Hunter, Bella started coming around more and all of those old feelings I thought I had fucked out of my system came rushing back like they never left. Imagine my surprise when she started dating Justin. Fuck you for being okay with that, by the way.”
Killian scoffs. “The fuck did you expect me to do? Stop her?”
I glare at him. “I don’t fucking know. But in what world do you trust him with your sister and not me? Do you know how much that shit stung?”
He shakes his head, a hand running down his face in frustration. “It isn’t about trusting you, Noah. I trust you with my life.”
“Just not with your sister?” I counter.
“Did I stop you?” He snaps.
“What?”
“That day in the barn, when I confronted you. Did I stop you? Did I tell you to stay away from her? Did I interfere in any way?” He throws the questions at me one after the other, never skipping a beat.
“No,” I respond, averting my eyes.
“No. I didn’t. Did I like it? No, the fuck I did not. Did the sight of you putting your hands on my sister make me sick? Yes, not because I was against it, but because she’s my sister and you’re my best friend. That was me trusting you.”
Fuck.
Collapsing back into my chair, I let his words settle in my chest, the double meaning behind them all too clear.
Had I gone to him all those years ago, he would have accepted it. Albeit, he wouldn’t have been happy about it, but he would have accepted it.
So much time has been wasted for no reason. Because I had held on to a promise I made to my friend when I was a kid instead of being a man and owning up to the way I truly feel.
“You need to fix this shit, Noah. I can’t watch my sister suffer anymore.”
I look over at him, seeing the acceptance still there in his eyes despite everything I’ve done.
“I’m not sure it’s fixable.” And that’s the thing that scares me the most.
“It is.” His tone is so final, so adamant that it sends a spark of hope through my veins and lessens the weight that’s been heavy in my chest for over a week now.
We sit there for a little while longer before Killian tells me good night and heads to bed, while I climb back into my truck and hunker down for another night of sleeping in my driver’s seat.
And when I’m finally comfortable, I grab my phone and the knot in my stomach unwinds just a fraction, a small smile on my lips when I see the text waiting for me.
Bella: Good night, Noah.