CHAPTER 40
BELLA
Grief is a feeling that every person on earth experiences in their lifetime.
It’s predictable yet painful. It’s expected whilst also being unexpected.
It’s the feeling of knowing you’re never going to get to see, speak to or hold the person you love ever again.
It’s an emotion that is spoken about so widely.
An emotion that oftentimes brings people together in the worst moments of their lives.
But not many people talk about what it’s like to grieve somebody that is still alive.
Nobody talks about what it’s like to grieve the future you had planned in your mind, the conversations had, the quiet moments in the dark where you tell each other your wildest dreams and everything feels like it could be possible.
Nor do they talk about what it’s like to grieve a person you’ve never really known.
There are three people that I have grieved in my lifetime, and all three of them still walk this earth.
My dad.
My mom.
And now, him.
I grieved for my dad when he walked out of us as children, leaving us behind to fend for ourselves.
I grieved for my mom when she became somebody, I no longer recognise, choosing her next drink over her children without a second thought.
And now, I grieve Noah. I grieve the man I thought he was. The future I had pictured every time he told me I was his. The sound of his voice in the mornings when he woke me up with breakfast.
I miss him.
And I miss sleep.
For the first three days, all I did was sleep.
It was easier to just close my eyes and let the darkness take me away.
But ever since the day I’d made the mistake of following the heated voices and saw him standing outside my brother’s house declaring his love for me, I’ve been tortured with images of his devastated face every time I’ve shut my eyes.
And every time I’ve ventured out of the spare bedroom and down the stairs, my eyes have been drawn to the large window, to the dark truck that’s been nestled between the trees all night, every night for the past four days.
He’s always gone when the sun comes up, but as soon as it sets again, there he is. Watching and waiting.
I’d be lying if I said that seeing him there doesn’t affect me.
As hurt as I am, I can’t help but worry about him. I can’t imagine he’s getting much sleep out there. But then again, I’m not getting much sleep in here.
I’ve lain awake most nights, watching as the ceiling lights up from the text message I’ve received every night like clockwork and fighting against the urge to pick it up and reply.
As if on cue, my phone buzzes on the nightstand, the room illuminated by the screen. And just like last night and all the nights before, I lean over and pick it up.
Noah: Good night, Bella.
Everything inside me twists, my bottom lip trembling at the three simple words.
I stare at them for so long that my screen blurs and I imagine him doing the same, sitting in the dark cab of his truck, the only light coming from his phone as he waits for those three little dots to appear.
Four days. That’s how long it’s been since I overheard him say he loves me. Since he’s been camping out in my brother’s driveway and sending me good night texts.
Today marks one week since the last time he touched me, kissed me, humiliated me.
I haven’t been to work.
Summer and my kitchen staff have been a godsend for the past week. They are the only things keeping my business afloat.
I haven’t spoken to Savannah or Liv, but I know Daisy would have been keeping them in the loop. Killian has been trying to make amends and although I’m still disappointed with him and the way he treated me like I was nothing but a stranger last week at The Boot, I love him for it.
Sometimes I forget that while I’m dealing with my own heartbreak, he has also lost the closest thing he’s ever had to a brother.
I don’t know if their friendship is beyond repair, but it hurts my heart to think that I’m the reason for it.
I sigh, the weight of everything sitting heavy on my chest as I look back at the phone in my hand.
I don’t forgive Noah. I’m not sure if I ever will. But there is a part of me, a very small part, that understands why he did what he did.
When I put myself in his eighteen-year-old shoes, I can see why waking up next to your best friends seventeen-year-old sister would make you panic and do something stupid like pretend it didn’t happen.
What I can’t get passed is the lying about it for eight years.
But then I put myself in my own shoes and think back to that morning and I wonder why I never mentioned it either.
Why did I let him act as though it didn’t happen when I knew it had?
When I believed he didn’t remember, why didn’t I tell him?
And why have I continued to uphold his version of the truth for the past eight years?
Jesus Christ. I’m just as guilty as he is.
It’s with that thought that I toss the blanket off me and get out of bed, stuffing my feet into a pair of flip-flops before going down the stairs and out the front door as quietly as possible.
Noah doesn’t see me coming. His head is hanging low, his eyes fixed on the screen of his phone, just like I knew it would be, as I open the passenger side door and climb into his truck.
The familiar scent of his aftershave engulfs my senses the moment the door closes behind me and for half a second, I regret my decision of climbing in here.
“What the…” his words cut off when his wide hazel eyes land on me and a rush of breath escapes him. “Bells-”
I hold up a hand. “Don’t talk. Just listen.”
I stare at him, ignoring the thumping of my own heartbeat in my ears as I wait for him to agree.
With a dip of his head, he snaps his mouth shut. “I don’t forgive you.” I start. “I’m not sure I ever will. But I have realised something.”
I pause, waiting for him to say something, but then I remember I told him not to talk and by the way his lips are clenched together tightly, he’s taking my words very seriously.
“I’m not completely innocent in this. It’s selfish of me to act like the victim here when I’m just as guilty as you are.
For lying to my brother, but most of all to you.
Even when I thought you didn’t remember, I did.
I remember everything about that night and I never said anything.
When you looked at me the next morning like nothing had happened, I felt dirty.
I felt like…” I trail off with a heavy breath, trying to find the right words.
Noah remains completely silent beside me, letting me take my time and I drag my eyes away from his penetrating gaze to stare out the window.
“I felt like I had… taken advantage of you while you were under the influence. I’ve replayed that night a thousand times in my head, trying to find clues or any signs I might have missed that you were more drunk than you let on. But every single time, I found none.”
“I wasn’t drunk.” His voice, so deep and rough, slices through the silence of the truck. “I had been drinking, yes. But I wasn’t drunk. And you didn’t take advantage of me. I knew exactly what I was doing.”
His admission is like a knife straight to my heart. All this time, all those feelings, it all could have been avoided if just one of us had been honest.
“And you did try to tell me.”
My eyes snap to his. “What?” I frown, my hands shaking in my lap as I watch him.
“The next morning. You tried to talk about it, but I stopped you.”
That makes me collapse back against the seat, my mind running back to the morning after.
“Do you realise what we’ve done?”
“We slept.”
“Do you seriously not remember?”
“Remember what?”
He’s not wrong.
I had tried to bring it up and he dismissed me.
But I could have tried harder. I could have pushed. But instead, I brushed it off and let it go.
“Don’t do that,” Noah says, pulling me back to the present.
“Do what?” I snap, a little harsher than I intended.
“Don’t look for reasons to doubt yourself.
I knew, Bella. You aren’t dirty. Not even in the slightest. I’m a scumbag and a liar.
I lied to you because I thought I was doing what was right in order to not lose you and Killian.
But that doesn’t excuse what I did, and I won’t blame you if you never forgive me. ”
I jump when his hand grips mine, and I turn to look at him in surprise.
His eyes hold so many emotions, and my heart splits into two when I see the glisten of unshed tears along his lower lash line.
“But I won’t stop trying, Bella. I’ll spend every day of the rest of my life trying to prove myself to you.
Because I love you, Bells. And I’m so fucking sorry. ”