CHAPTER 39
NOAH
I steer my truck through the throng of trees lining either side of the narrow dirt road, my heart in my throat as the dark shadows lighten and the forest opens up into a clearing where Killian’s log cabin sits.
My palms are sweaty as I white knuckle the steering wheel, the leather cracking beneath my hold.
I’ve made this drive countless times over the years, but it’s never felt quite as foreboding as it has the past three days.
Three days.
That’s how long it’s been since I last saw, touched or spoke to Bella.
I’ve been to this house twice a day for three days, and still, she refuses to see me.
I don’t blame her.
I deserve everything she throws at me.
I just wish she would throw something at me. I’d rather that than this complete silence.
The silence is the worst part. I have no idea if she’s okay. If she’s sleeping or eating.
She hasn’t been to work either.
I know this because I’ve checked every day. And every day, I push through the doors to find Summer behind the counter.
I pull up beside Daisy’s car and park my truck, taking a deep breath before reaching over and grabbing the to-go bag and iced coffees from the passenger seat.
The front door opens before I even get out of the truck and Daisy stands there, her arms crossed but a pitying smile on her face.
I keep my eyes trained on my worn boots as I climb the steps of the cabin, only looking up when Daisy’s feet come into view.
“She’s not going to see you,” she says before I get the chance to speak.
My shoulders drop in disappointment, although I’m not sure why. I knew she wouldn’t. “Is she okay?”
“What do you think?” Daisy asks, casting a quick glance over her shoulder before stepping out onto the porch and closing the door behind her.
“I just need to see her so I can explain-”
“No.” Daisy cuts me off. “You want to see her so you can excuse your actions.”
I open my mouth, a retort on the tip of my tongue but the look on her face stops me.
“Let me guess… you’re going to tell her how you got scared because you broke a bullshit promise you made to my husband when you were kids. That instead of growing a pair of balls and facing the consequences, you chose to tuck and run and leave her to believe that she took advantage of you.”
I shake my head, ready to deny it even though she’s right but she continues. “You forget who you’re talking to, Noah. I spent years running away from the same man because I was too afraid to tell him my truth. And who was it that came after me and pleaded with me to come home?”
She points a finger at my chest. “You. When all along you were lying to him yourself.”
“Daisy…”
“No. Don’t speak. I’m not done.” She steps closer, her eyes filling with tears of anger as she rips into me. “You treated me like shit for months after I came home for what I did to your best friend. But now, it’s my best friend that’s hurting.”
“I didn’t want to hurt her!” I shout, a little louder than necessary and then immediately feel like an asshole. “I’m sorry. But fuck.”
I run a hand down my face, the desperation inside of me becoming too much. “I didn’t want to hurt her, Daisy. I never meant for this to get so out of hand.”
She’s about to respond but the sound of a vehicle approaching stops her and both of our attention turns to the driveway as Killian’s truck comes to a screeching halt.
Fuck my life.
I’ve yet to see him since the night of The Boot. I’d been picking my times to come by here carefully to avoid him because I can only deal with one problem at a time right now.
“Just… make sure she eats this, please?” I say to Daisy in a rush, handing her the to-go bag and coffees. She takes them and I turn away from her, jogging back down the steps just in time for Killian’s fist to connect with my jaw.
I knew it was coming.
It’s why I handed off the food.
But the pain that shoots up the side of my face still takes me by surprise and I stumble back a step before straightening up and meeting the fury-filled eyes of my best friend.
“This.” He shoves my chest. “Is why I told you to stay the fuck away from her.” Another shove. “Because I knew you’d break her fucking heart.”
“Killi-”
“Shut the fuck up!” He booms, chest heaving as he shoves me yet again.
My jaw clenches, my own anger starting to simmer.
“You just couldn’t control yourself, could you?
Couldn’t keep your dick in your pants. This is what you do, Noah.
You fuck women and then drop them, like they mean absolutely fuck all to you. ”
He’s fucking insane if he thinks that’s what happened here.
Did I fuck up? Yes.
Did I take something from Bella that I proved time and time again I didn’t deserve? Absolutely.
Do I regret it? More than anything in the fucking world.
“Why her, Noah?” Killian asks, his eyes flickering between mine and his voice hoarse with all the emotions he’s feeling. “It could have been anyone. Why’d it have to be my sister?”
“Because I fucking love her!” I shout, my arms spread wide as I step up to him. “Because I’ve always fucking loved her.”
There’s silence for a moment. Nothing but heaving breaths sounding in the open air and my eyes water as I stare at my friend.
My shoulders slump in defeat. “But I also love you, man. And I didn’t want to have to choose.”
“You chose the moment you decided to lie.”
My head snaps toward the sound of the new voice. The sound of her voice and my heart stills in my chest when I find Bella standing on the porch, her arms clutched tightly around her small body as she stares at me with a look so empty it makes my stomach turn.
Despite the storm of emotions waging a war inside of me, relief fills me at the sight of her.
God, how I’ve missed her.
She looks slightly thinner than the last time I saw her, confirming my suspicions that she hasn’t been eating. Her eyes are red rimmed and dark circles have formed beneath them. Her tanned skin is paler than I’ve ever seen it, yet she’s still the most beautiful thing I’ve ever laid eyes on.
But it’s her clothes that have my heart threatening to claw its way out of my chest.
My sweater.
When I’d dropped off a bag of her clothes and toiletries yesterday, I’d expected her to throw the sweater out. Or rip it apart.
But the fact that she’s wearing it causes the smallest amount of hope to bubble inside of me.
I take a step toward her. “Bella.”
“Go home, Noah,” she says, and I drop my head, my eyes closing as I soak up the sound of my name on her lips, even if she is dismissing me.
The sound of the front door opening has my head snapping up just as she steps inside and closes it behind her, not sparing me a backward glance.
“You heard her,” Killian says, all the anger gone from his voice now.
I look at him, taking in the familiarity of his face, picking out all the features that are so similar to his sisters. His eyes lack the hatred they held only moments ago, now shining with something else entirely.
Pity.
And it’s then that I realise the same thing he has.
Bella’s right.
I did make my choice.
For so many years, I chose him.
I broke promises and told lies in a desperate attempt to keep our friendship.
But worst of all, I used him as my excuse.
Because I knew from that very first moment she kissed me, that Bella would be my undoing, the only person in the world capable of bringing me to my knees. And that scared me shitless.
And so, I lied. I lied and I ran and I watched from afar as she fell in love with someone that wasn’t me. And every day, I blamed Killian for being the reason I would never have the one person I’ve ever wanted.
When really, the only person to blame was myself.