CHAPTER 43
NOAH
Clara Ashby passed away on a warm Sunday evening with her two children by her bedside.
I stayed by Bella’s side and held her as she cried and I continued to hold her until she fell silent, her body succumbing to the exhaustion.
And with a nod from Killian, I carried her to my truck, strapped her into the passenger seat and drove us home.
I open the passenger door to my truck as gently as possible and unclip Bella’s seatbelt, careful not to wake her as I lift her into my arms and climb the steps to my house.
Not bothering with removing my shoes, I head straight upstairs to our bedroom and peel the covers back with one hand before lowering her onto the mattress and removing her shoes.
She stirs slightly and I freeze, my breath catching in my throat in fear of her waking up and demanding I take her back to her brother’s house.
I would if she asked me to, but I’d much rather her here, in our bed, where I know she’s not alone on probably the worst night of her life.
Bella rolls over, a small sleepy moan escaping her parted lips as she gets comfortable against the pillows and I pull the blanket over her, tucking her in before moving towards the bathroom.
I’m halfway out of the door before her soft voice stops me. “Noah?”
“Yeah, Bells?” I whisper, heart in my throat as I turn around to find her looking at me over her shoulder.
She licks her lips, glancing around the room briefly. “Will you lay with me?”
My shoulders sag, all the breath leaving me in one relief filled rush. “Of course I will.”
I cast a quick glance down at myself; at my dusty clothes and dirt covered hands from working in the barn all day and decide against my shower for the time being, not wanting to leave her alone.
Instead, I pull my t-shirt over my head, kick off my boots and remove my jeans before walking to the other side of the bed and climbing in beside her.
The second my back hits the mattress, Bella tucks her body against mine, her head resting on my chest. I wrap my arms around her, holding her as close as humanly possible while absorbing the feel of her body against mine for the first time in weeks.
My nose finds her hair and I inhale deeply, breathing in the scent of her shampoo before placing a kiss there.
Bella’s breathing evens out within minutes, her soft lips parting with tiny snores and my body relaxes, eyelids growing heavy as I drift off into the deepest sleep I’ve had in weeks.
***
I’m woken by the feeling of someone thrashing around beside me followed by a gut-wrenching scream that has my eyes flying open and my blood running cold.
I glance around the dark room, my eyes landing on Bella as she twists and turns in the bed beside me, and I reach over and flick on the lamp beside my bed.
“No, no, no,” she chants, her forehead slick with sweat. “Mom,” she cries, voice so broken and small that it cracks something inside of me.
“Bella,” I call softly, my hand moving tentatively toward her shoulder.
“Wake up, mom,” she says, her eyes screwed shut tightly as she breaths hard.
“Bella. You’re dreaming, wake up.” I try again, shaking her lightly.
“She won’t wake up.” She shakes her head violently. “Why won’t she wake up?”
“Bella!” I shout this time, and her eyes fly open, wild and fearful as she scans her surroundings.
She’s panting, her body trembling as her hands move to grip my wrists, using the skin on skin contact to tether herself to reality.
“You’re having a nightmare,” I say and then inwardly cringe. She’s not having a nightmare; she’s having a flashback to last night you fucking idiot.
“Noah?” She says my name like it’s a question; her brows furrowed in confusion.
I sigh in relief. “Yeah, baby. It’s me.”
She stares up at me, the fear in her eyes slowly subsiding, replaced with a deep sadness. “Is my mom dead?”
Fuck.
I bite my bottom lip, heart breaking for her. “Yeah, baby,” I whisper, stroking the damp hair off her forehead.
She nods once, a single tear falling from her eye. “I thought so.”
“I’m so sorry, Bells.”
She forces a tight-lipped smile on her face despite her tears. “It’s okay. I always knew this day would come.”
Fucking hell, I can’t take the sorrow in her eyes. I wish I could take it away. I’d take every ounce of her pain and carry it myself if it was possible.
She doesn’t deserve any of the shit she’s been through. And I hate myself for being a contributing factor to it all.
“What can I do?” I ask, feeling like I need to do something, anything, to ease her pain.
Her next words, though, are the last thing I ever expect her to ask for. “Please don’t lie to me again.”
I lean closer, taking her face between both hands and using my thumbs to wipe her tears away. “I will never lie to you again, Bella.”
Her eyes search my face, swollen and red rimmed, as she tries to find the truth in my words and I let her, hoping she can hear the promise.
Minutes pass in silence and I don’t make a move to get out of bed, I simply just let her stare at me, giving her time to feel whatever it is she’s feeling. I don’t try to talk about everything that’s happened between us; it’s not the right time for that.
Eventually, Bella sighs and nods her head. “Do you mind if I take a shower?”
“Not at all. All of your stuff is stocked up in there and I moved your clothes into my closet.”
She side eyes me but says nothing, climbing out of bed and moving toward the bathroom. Once the door closes behind her, I blow out a breath and run a hand down my face.
As much as I’d love to know where I stand right now, she’s dealing with the death of her mom after being the one to find her and expecting her to even be remotely thinking about our relationship would be incredibly selfish.
But that selfish part of me is secretly hoping that she’ll at least stay with me while she navigates her grief.
I roll out of bed and dip into the ensuite off the spare room to take a quick shower of my own before heading downstairs.
It can’t be any later than five in the morning. The sun hasn’t fully risen yet, and the ranch is dark beyond my windows. Somewhere in the distance, the ranch hands will be up and milling about, getting prepared for the day, but from here, everything is still and silent.
Switching on the coffee machine, I grab two mugs from the cupboard and place one under the nozzle before repeating the process a second time. I hear the shower shut off and I pick up both coffees, carrying them out to the front porch.
I leave the front door open and take a seat in one of the chairs. It doesn’t take long before I hear soft footfalls on the stairs and Bella appears in the doorway, a long cardigan wrapped around her small frame.
I pick up her coffee and hold it out for her as she sits down beside me, and she takes it with a small smile that doesn’t reach her eyes. “Thanks.”
Leaning back in her chair, Bella tucks her legs up under herself and inhales deeply, her eyes closing as she tilts her head skyward.
I take the opportunity to examine her. Her hair is wet and twisted into a hair clip at the back of her head.
The soft, usually sun-kissed skin of her face is red and blotchy, and I know it’s because she’s just cried in the shower.
Her cheeks are slightly drawn in, the weight she’s lost in the last few weeks obvious.
She looks utterly exhausted and it makes my chest hurt knowing I’m to blame for that.
I wish I could make it right. I wish I had the power to make every bad thing that has happened recently disappear as if it never happened. I want to lock us away in my house and hold her until all the pain and heartache is gone and all is right in the world again.
“It’s really peaceful out here. I can see why this is something you do a lot.” Her quiet voice penetrates the quiet morning air.
“Hmm,” I hum in agreement. “There’s nothing quite like the silence of the early morning in the middle of nowhere.”
She sighs; the sound filled with so many unspoken thoughts.
“I don’t know what I’m doing here, Noah.
I don’t know what any of this means for us, but I do know I can’t just move past everything that’s happened.
I know my mom is dead, and I know that the only person I want to be around right now is the one person I trust the least.”
Blood rushes in my ears, stomach sinking at that last statement.
She wants me but she doesn’t trust me.
I deserve her lack of trust, but it doesn’t hurt any less.
“We don’t have to talk about this now, Bells.
I don’t expect forgiveness from you. I don’t even expect you to talk to me, period.
But I will be here for you, no matter what.
Whether you are here with me, or somewhere else, I will be there.
If you want to sit in silence, that’s fine.
If you want to scream at me, hit me, throw shit, that’s fine, too.
I’ll take it all. But just know, I will spend every single day proving myself to you and earning back your trust. Even if it takes the rest of my life. ”
She stares at me with an unreadable expression for so long, I begin to shift uncomfortably in my seat. I have no clue what she’s thinking or if anything I just said was the right thing or not and I start doubting myself farther when one tear falls down her cheek slowly.
I don’t think as I reach out and wipe it away with my thumb and I wait for Bella to flinch away from my touch, but she doesn’t.
Instead, she closes her eyes, a smile so small I would have missed it had I not been watching her so closely, touching her lips as she leans her face into my touch.