Chapter 55
VICTOR
FOUR WEEKS LATER
Lila was twenty-five weeks pregnant. That meant our little girl was approximately the size of a zucchini, and god, I’d never loved a zucchini as much as I did right now. I stood stroking one in the supermarket yesterday, marvelling at the size as the other shoppers gave me a wide berth.
I couldn’t blame them. But our little zucchini could hear voices outside of the womb now, and I never stopped talking to her.
Lila even let me sing to her last night; even though she was exhausted, the baby wouldn’t stop wriggling.
So, I sang to her, and she must’ve fallen asleep when her mom did.
I stared at them both for nearly two hours before going back to my room.
I’d kept my word, and we were taking it super slowly.
I was still thanking every god that existed that she’d given me another chance.
I really hadn’t thought she would. We had started therapy, and that’s where we were right now, in our third session.
The doctor was nice enough, and she didn’t completely judge me for being a cheating asshole.
It was fucking hard though, seeing Lila get upset.
She didn’t seem too angry at the minute, which was good, but I’d take her anger over her pain any day of the week.
The doctor focused on Lila. Lila, who sat across from her, beside me, wearing cute dungarees that gave her bump plenty of room, her dark hair thick and glossy in her sleek ponytail, and her eyes wide as she nodded.
I loved her so much for even entertaining this. My heart felt like a piece of it was scarred so deeply that nothing could touch it but her. When she looked at me, I wanted to stab myself in the eye for hurting her. I wanted to kill myself at times, but she needed my strength, not my weakness.
“You said you wanted to tell Victor something today?” the doctor prodded gently, peering at Lila. “You felt you wanted to do it here, in a controlled environment?”
I blinked.
What? What did she have to tell me that she had to do here?
My palms began to sweat, and my leg began to jiggle with nerves.
God, what now?
“Yes.” Lila’s voice was calm and controlled, unlike mine which would probably sound like a hyena being strangled if I spoke.
“Go ahead; talk to Victor.” The doctor leaned forward and watched her intently, as did I.
“I was very angry at you, Victor,” Lila began, fiddling with her bright, colourful bracelet.
I nodded, my eyes darting between Lila and the doctor.
“So, I wanted you to feel what I did, the day I had to watch the video of you and her.”
I stilled.
Is this about sleeping with that British prick? I knew about that—we didn’t need to hash over that again, did we? God, I hoped not.
“So, I slept with Graham.”
I physically recoiled at the sound of his name.
“I know,” I muttered, clasping my hands together to stop them from shaking.
“But what you don’t know—” Lila continued slowly, her eyes meeting the doctors before she looked at me. “—is that I recorded it.”
I couldn’t think for a second, it was like all the neurons in my brain had gone off at once, clouding my vision and stopping all vital organs from operating normally. Dizziness took over, and I saw stars, but then I heard a voice.
“Victor, you need to breathe.”
Breathe, right.
I gulped at the air and hit my chest, turning to look at Lila who was watching me with concern.
“Are you alright?”
I held up a finger, silently asking for her to give me a minute.
Lila, who had never once recorded anything with me, had filmed her and that bastard having sex while she was pregnant with my baby.
I couldn’t explain the rage that overtook me, nor the gnawing jealousy that made me want to rip out my scalp.
I knew she’d slept with him, and that was bad enough, but this?
I felt like I’d been punched in the balls.
“Did you…” I took another deep breath and tried to steady myself. “Want me to see that?”
Because fuck, if I saw that video, it would be the end of that bastard. I’d find him, I swore to god. It would also probably be the end of me.
Lila nodded. “Yes.”
Brutal pain sliced through my chest, and I nodded, dropping my head into my hands. She’d wanted me to watch her being fucked by someone else, just like she’d had to watch me fucking Cami. I just wasn’t as strong as her.
“How does that feel, Victor, knowing that?” the doctor enquired, as Lila stared at her hands.
“Brutal,” I admitted, unable to ignore the unwanted imaginary film running though my head of him fucking Lila. “I can’t believe it.”
“Yet you filmed your sex act, didn’t you? Isn’t it the same?” The doctor tilted her head as I shook mine furiously.
“I didn’t know she was filming us,” I snapped. “And I’d rather die than let Lila see that shit.”
There was a pause.
“So, is it the fact that Lila wanted you to see it, or the fact she even recorded it, that’s bothering you?”
“Both? I just… I’ve thought every day about how much that must’ve torn you up, Lila, watching that video of me and her.
” I couldn’t even say her name. “It had to be the worst feeling in the world, or so I imagined. Knowing that you wanted me to feel that pain…” I shook my head.
“But it makes sense. I’m just jealous as fuck when it comes to you. ”
The doctor nodded her approval. “Exactly. Jealousy is the issue here, but we are in a safe space, and Lila is being honest. Why did you want Victor to know about the recording, Lila? Do you want him to see it? Would it give you some sort of closure that he gets to feel what you did?”
My mouth fell open as I waited for her to answer.
Please say no. I’ll die.
“Not anymore,” Lila responded softly. “I’ll destroy it.”
But something felt wrong.
“Why?” I whispered, turning to her fully. “Why wouldn’t you want me to watch it?”
Lila sighed, and I wanted to scoop her into my arms and take her away from our horrible reality. She’d never deserved any of this. This was my fault.
“Because it hurts like nothing else,” she said softly, a sad smile on her lips. “For the same reason you didn’t want me to see your video. I was just angry and out for revenge.”
“You had every right to feel that way,” I told her thickly, my heart shattering into pieces at her words. “Every damn right.”
Lila nodded. “I know. But now I don’t want to put you through it.”
Goddamn, this woman was fucking something else. She was a force to be reckoned with, and I wanted to fall to my knees right here and now and beg her to marry me again. I loved her to her fucking core.
“You can burn my truck again when I get it if you want?” I offered weakly, and even the doctor chuckled.
“Nah, you’ll need that for the baby.”
“And you, I hope,” I whispered, reaching out for her hand. She let me take it, but she still felt so far away from me.
What more could I do?
The drive home was silent, but I couldn’t stop the racing thoughts in my mind. They were out of control. When we got home, I made us some dinner, which we also ate in silence. I had to do something, but I couldn’t figure out what, until it hit me.
I wanted to watch the video. I wanted to go through an iota of what Lila had gone through and force myself to live with it like she’d had to.
“Are you okay?” Lila finally asked me before she went to her bedroom, but she knew I wasn't. She just didn’t know what to say.
We stood in the hallway, and I shook my head.
“No. I know you’re gonna think I’m fucking crazy when I ask you this, but hear me out, okay?”
A tree of dread was forming in my stomach, its branches clawing at my insides and turning me upside down and back to front.
Lila stared at me but nodded.
“Can I watch the video?” My words were so faint I barely heard them.
But Lila did.
Her eyes popped as she gawped at me. “What?! No! Are you crazy?”
I rubbed the back of my neck, wondering the same. “I think I should.”
Lila panicked, her eyes darting around us like the walls were going to start playing the sordid movie. “Victor…”
“You recorded it for me to see it, didn’t you? So, I know how you felt, right?” My throat felt raw.
“Yes, but—”
“Then let me. Please. Let me feel the pain of seeing you with someone else. What you did wasn’t even cheating, so… it’s still not as bad as what I put you through.”
Tears swam in her beautiful eyes. “Victor, you’ll hate me.”
“Darling.” I stepped closer to her, her belly hard against mine as I gazed into her eyes. “I will never, and could never, hate you. I love you far too much for that.”
A sob caught in her throat as I kissed her forehead, holding her in my arms for the first time in a long time. God, she smelled incredible.
“Please?” I sank to my knees in front of her, and she laughed, despite her tears.
“We’ll be over before we’ve even started,” Lila muttered, her hands on her hips. “Get up, Victor.”
I did, saluting her once I rose to my feet.
We looked at each other, locked in a silent battle until Lila’s shoulders sagged.
“I recorded it to hurt you. Remember that. I don’t want to hurt you now; you don’t have to watch it.”
I loved her more than words would ever convey, but I gritted my teeth and assured her, “I want to.”
“Then I’ll show you.”