5. Four
Four
Cozette
I couldn’t sleep tonight, something deep inside of me feeling restless and keeping me awake after everyone else had gone to bed. I’d tried reading one of the books Ripley had given me the day after I came home from the hospital—even though I was never a big reader before everything happened—but after reading the same page ten times several times over, I’d given up. When that didn’t help to settle the restlessness I could feel in my soul, I attempted to watch tv. But even that couldn’t take my mind off whatever was bugging me, and so I quickly turned it off and laid in my bed, the plush I’ve become most attached to from my pile locked tight in my arms as I stared out of my bedroom window.
It wasn’t until I’d been sitting on the windowsill, staring up at the moon and stars with him on my mind that I caught his scent on the breeze that had blown by that I knew why I was feeling so… fidgety. It’s like I somehow knew he was coming for me. Like my soul could feel how close he was.
At first, I thought I’d imagined it. That harsh gunpowder scent mixed with hints of wild jasmine that I know so well that it’s become ingrained into my very being. I felt silly calling his name out into the empty air, but then he stepped around that tree and… I couldn’t stop myself from quietly, but quickly, sneaking downstairs and outside. There was no anxiety tearing me apart inside when he showed himself to me or worry that he was here to hurt me.
Just… relief.
Relief that he was okay.
Relief that he came back.
Relief that he found me, something I’d been secretly pining for since they brought me to the hospital, though I never actually let myself think about that happening.
I didn’t know what would happen once I was finally in front of him without my shackles to hold me back. I barely gave a thought to whether being in his presence would bring back terrible memories or send me spiraling because I already live with those memories daily. If anything, seeing him has only reminded me of why I’ve felt so drawn to him even before I realized it. And when I threw myself at him and he wrapped his brawny arms around me, his body relaxing the moment he had me in his hold, it felt like coming home.
How could what I feel for him ever be wrong when being in his arms feels so right?
I have no fear in my heart when he’s near, no worries that he’ll hurt me. In fact, everything I know about him tells me he’d gladly slam a dagger through his heart before he ever hurt me intentionally.
I might not know everything about being an omega, might not know a lot of things honestly, but I’m not stupid. Learning to listen to my instincts, and to trust them, has been a learning curve. But I’m listening right now, and they tell me that this alpha… this alpha is a part of me. Meant for me.
Mine.
Is this how Ripley feels about her alphas? About River and Kian? When they hold her, does it feel like she’s home in their arms? Like everything is right in the world and like she’s whole ?
I don’t know if I feel completely whole, or if I’ll ever really feel like that, but I know I feel better with him.
My Ghost.
He’s done terrible things in his lifetime, made mistakes and poor decisions time and time again in order to survive, and I don’t think anybody will understand why I want him. Need him. But I see the man beneath what he shows the rest of the world. I’ve seen his heart, despite the filth that covers it, and underneath the ash, I know it’s made of gold. I don’t know how I know that, but I just do.
Jeremiah might be terrifying to everyone else, but to me, he’s just a man—an alpha—that’s been surviving, but not really living. Until now. Until we found each other. I believe him when he says he’ll find all of my broken pieces and put them back where they belong.
As I stare up into his blue eyes after his declaration, I bring my hand up to his face and trace the jagged scar that runs along his right cheek and up into his hairline, gently tugging on a stray piece of his dark hair that’s grown out since I last saw him. His breath puffs out against my lips, and I can’t stop myself from looking at his, wondering what they’d feel like pressed against mine.
I’ve only ever kissed one person before in my life willingly, and it was nothing to write home about. Hardly memorable.
Would it be different kissing Jeremiah?
I need to know.
My hand trembles as I cup his cheek, and before I can talk myself out of it, I lean forward and press my lips against his, softly at first. My lips tingle with just that bare touch, and I can’t stop myself from seeking more of it as I kiss him harder, a whimper crawling up my throat when he kisses me back. He gently picks me up and puts me in his lap, cradling the back of my head as he kisses me like this is the last time and not the first.
His tongue snakes out, running across the seam of my lips, and I tentatively open for him, gasping when it touches mine. My belly feels like there’s a herd of elephants stomping around in there, and my heart flutters in my chest as I’m kissed by an alpha the way I imagine most omegas are kissed or dream of being kissed by their alphas. It’s both exactly what I’d imagined it would be like before everything with Victor and not.
When he pulls back, my eyes are closed and I try to follow his lips, searching for more. He chuckles, making my eyes pop open. With my lips parted, I stare up at him, dazed and slightly confused about why he stopped. His blue eyes soften as he leans forward and rubs his nose against mine, and I melt in his hold.
“How could anyone ever look at you and want to hurt you, Dove?” he asks, his voice soft and blue eyes full of pain as they roam over my features, taking them all in.
“How could anyone look at you and not see the gentle giant beneath the hard exterior you portray, my Ghost?” I retort just as softly, knowing neither of us can answer the questions we ask.
He stays with me longer than he probably should, well through the night until dawn. I can barely hold my eyes open when the sun kisses the horizon, but I fight the exhaustion, wanting to stay out here in his arms and watch the sunrise with him.
When I feel him kiss the crown of my head, breathing me in, I know he’s about to leave. Tears fill my eyes when he stands up and puts me on my feet, tucking my hair behind my ear before rubbing his thumb against my cheek, stealing the tears that fall before they can get too far.
I don’t want him to go. Not yet.
“I want nothing more than to steal away with you right now. To be the selfish man I’ve been for so long, but I can’t be selfish with you, Cozette. I saw you up there before you caught me, which was never my intention. You’re happy here, aren’t you? Safe?”
I roll my lips between my teeth because I almost tell him to be selfish. To take me with him. But then I think of Mama Valley and the dads. I think of Ripley and her pack, and I know it would break them if I just disappeared without a trace. And it would hurt me, too, because they’re my family now.
But so is Jeremiah.
I finally nod my head, looking down at my feet as I twist my fingers together. He places his finger under my chin and tilts my face until he’s looking into my eyes again, a sad smile on his lips that were pressed against mine only an hour ago.
“I’m not leaving you forever, Dove. I promise. But I’m assuming these people you’re staying with… they’re related to the omega Victor wanted me to steal for him, yeah?”
I bite my lip, but nod again in the affirmative.
Nobody but Ripley and River knows what Jeremiah actually looks like, and I have a feeling neither would be too thrilled to find out he’d been here. Ripley might understand, but there’s a part of me that wants to keep it to myself. Just like I did when he’d sneak in to see me when Victor was away.
“Her parents,” I whisper hoarsely.
He grimaces before sighing and straightening his shoulders.
“Well… then, I definitely can’t steal you away, now can I?” he asks with a smirk, steely determination blazing back at me in those blue eyes. “Guess I’m just going to have to do things the right way this time and hope they can all forgive me for what I almost did.”
But what if they don’t? What if they refuse to understand? What if they try to keep us apart?
Petulantly, I think about how unlike him it was to let the two omegas see him when he’s so well known for not being seen, and I can’t help the childish grumble that falls from my lips unbidden.
“They wouldn’t even know what you look like if you hadn’t let Ripley and River see you,” I mutter under my breath, feeling guilty about voicing that thought almost immediately.
Jeremiah laughs under his breath and shakes his head as I pout, tapping me on the tip of my nose.
“It wasn’t my intention, Dove. Just means I’ll have to work a little harder to win them over, but if it means I get to be with you in the end, then I don’t mind going the extra mile. You’re worth every bit of the trouble I’ve found myself in the last several months.”
He cups my cheek and I lean into his hold, nuzzling against his palm and closing my eyes with a content sigh.
“But when will I see you again?” I ask him sadly while stepping closer.
I rub my face against his shirt, this need to somehow… mark him as mine, even if it’s temporary, pushing me to nuzzle into him as much as possible so my scent sticks to him.
He huffs out another laugh, likely realizing what I’m doing, but he doesn’t stop me. Instead, I can feel his chest begin to vibrate against my face, giving me my first dose of an alpha purr as he leans down and brings his cheek to mine, rubbing it against me. I sigh happily, knowing these clothes will smell like him, and knowing exactly where I’ll be hiding them when I go back to my room.
With a kiss to my lips, he steps back with my hand in his, and I can feel him sliding something into my curled fingers before he lets go completely and keeps walking backwards. My arm falls heavily to my side, fist clenched so I don’t drop whatever he gave me, as I watch him disappear into the trees.
“You’ll see me whenever you want to, Dove. I’m only a phone call away for you. Always,” he calls out before he’s completely out of sight, and then he’s gone, like he was never here.
The Ghost.
I stand there staring into those trees for what seems like forever, missing him all over again. An ache takes root in my chest, and I rub the heel of my palm against the spot, taking a deep breath. When I unclench my fist, there’s a piece of paper with a number scrawled messily across it, making the ache lessen if only marginally.
The sun is nearly all the way up when I sneak back inside and quietly slip back into my room, leaning my back against the door, and taking a deep breath as I relax. But all I can smell is Jeremiah, and I realize I need to hide these clothes fast before someone comes in here.
I rush to my closet, closing the door behind me before I move to the nest and open the smaller door to climb inside. I crawl across the foam floor to the far right corner, stripping the shirt and my pajama pants off so I can tuck them away out of sight. I suppose I don’t really have to hide them here since Mama Valley said this was a space only I would enter unless I invited someone in, but there’s a part of me that says I should hide the clothes anyway. Just in case.
Just before I push everything behind some of the plushies I brought in here, I bring the shirt up to my nose and close my eyes as I inhale deeply. My belly flutters as Jeremiah’s gunpowder and wild jasmine scent fills my nostrils, and…
My brows furrow as I rub my knees together when an ache builds between my legs, something I’m not used to and haven’t ever felt before. Not like this.
Gasping when I notice my panties are embarrassingly wet, made even more noticeable because of my lack of pants, I quickly shove the clothes behind my pile of plushies and crawl backwards to get some distance from them.
I know about the birds and the bees, and I know what being aroused is. It’s just so… foreign to me. I was already a late bloomer when my parents and I realized I was an omega, my scent taking longer than it should have to fully develop. It wasn’t until my twenty-fifth birthday that my designation emerged completely, and by that time, I’d been living as a beta, just like my parents.
Before Victor, I hadn’t experienced more than a kiss, not really interested in anyone from my hometown, and then he brought me home with him, stealing what I should have been able to give freely when I was ready.
My heart rate increases as I try to suck in breaths, flashbacks of those painful memories with Victor playing on a continuous reel behind my closed eyes.
I can remember the sick feeling in my gut I’d get anytime he touched me, the way I’d pray for death anytime he’d force himself inside of me—force other things inside of me. How I’d learned to escape inside of my mind so I could pretend it wasn’t really happening to me.
It all comes rushing back to me, and unlike the nightmares, it’s harder to pull myself out of this as the panic hooks its claws into me. Fear of the unknown future that lies ahead for me, not helping my already frazzled mind.
Does this reaction to Jeremiah’s scent mean my body is trying to prepare me for something I’m likely not ready for? That I might never be ready for?
A sob breaks free from my chest, and I cover my lips with my hand to muffle it as my brain works to make me relive some of the worst moments of my life, reminding me how tainted I am because of him. I clench my eyes shut, willing the memories away, hating that even in death, Victor still has his hooks dug deep in my psyche. My brain has forgotten how to signal that I need to breathe and my chest heaves as I work to pull air back into my lungs.
Jeremiah’s scent is what finally breaks through the flashbacks—the panic attack wracking my body—obliterating them to dust and replacing them with every secret, special moment I’ve had with him, including tonight. Reminding me that I’m free, safe at last.
Even when he isn’t here, he’s protecting me, putting me back together as I fall apart. He can calm the storm just with his scent alone.
I sniffle, curling up in the corner far away from the mound of plushies and the clothes, despite the ache in my heart that’s begging me to curl up with my nose buried in the shirt.
How funny that his scent both made me panic over the feelings it evoked, and brought me back down to earth when it broke through the fog.