6. Five
Five
Cozette
“I just want to be normal again. I want the hopes and dreams I had as a girl back. What I’d hoped I’d find when I perfumed and had to do a crash course on being an omega with limited information. I want to not be afraid of everyone I meet, and to not have debilitating panic attacks that leave me exhausted physically and mentally every time something reminds me of… of him ,” I tell Micah, my voice getting smaller and smaller.
I just want to forget!
But I can’t, and I’m terrified that no matter what I do, I’ll live with these memories that I wish I could bleach from my brain for the rest of my life.
“You’re being too hard on yourself again, Cozy. It’s only been a few months since you escaped. Nobody is expecting you to just wake up and be okay with everything you went through. Give yourself some grace. You’re already so much better than you were a few months ago, so why are you being so hard on yourself right now?”
Micah is gentle with his words, but they still hit me like a bullet because he’s not wrong. However, it’s harder to see the progress I’ve made when it feels like every step forward I take ends up with me having to go ten steps back.
“How could I have been so stupid?” I whisper with a frown, not really to him, but to myself, because it’s the question that keeps me up most nights.
At every turn, I’m reminded that Victor wore a carefully crafted mask in the beginning, never letting a crack break through until he knew he had me right where he wanted me. But I also know now that my instincts were trying to warn me anytime I was around him. I just didn’t know that’s what the feeling in my stomach had been. I never stood a chance, being so na?ve about alphas and so clueless about my new to me designation.
“You’re not stupid, and I don’t want to hear you say that about yourself again!” Micah growls, grabbing my attention as I look up at him with wide eyes at the change in his demeanor.
He’s not angry at me, I don’t think. And maybe angry isn’t the right word, but… something. Calling myself stupid hit a nerve in him, but I don’t understand why.
Micah closes his eyes and takes a deep breath before opening them again, his golden-brown irises softening when he sees how startled I am at his outburst. He gives me a sheepish look before clearing his throat.
“I’m sorry. I’m not upset with you, I just… I don’t enjoy hearing you call yourself names. You’re not stupid, Cozy.” He sighs, running his fingers through his hair. “If it wasn’t you Victor had found, it would have been another omega and instead of you, it would be them sitting here with me, going through exactly what you are. Or maybe not. Maybe they wouldn’t have survived, and they’d be one more omega sitting on a slab in the morgue below us, their life snuffed out by Victor Travis, Omega Killer. But you survived. Was it pure luck? Was there a reason he kept you alive when others before and during you weren’t so lucky? We won’t ever really know, but here’s what I do know. You survived for a year in the clutches of a notorious serial killer that targeted omegas specifically to torture and eventually kill. You were hurt in ways no human being, but especially an omega, should have ever been hurt, and conditioned to believe the lies he filled your head with, conditioned to do certain things that you shouldn’t have ever had to do. But you endured. You survived while he’s gone forever.”
Resting back in his chair, he raises an eyebrow ever so slightly, his eyes sparkling with intensity, and his tone becoming more serious.
“So, tell me, who do you think was the winner in the end? The man laying six feet under after an omega took him down—the thing he seemed to hate most—or the brave omega that adapted to survive and came out victorious, if a little banged up with some things she needs to work through?”
The weight of his words hits me, and I can feel my pale cheeks reddening as I attempt to wrap my head around his perspective, but unable to move past his perception of my courage. The compliment he so casually threw my way has caught me off guard and is the sole cause of the embarrassing flush rapidly spreading across my cheeks and down my throat.
“Cozy?”
“Hmm?”
Micah raises his brow even higher, his lips twitching as he tries to hold back a smile.
“Who is the survivor? The one still standing here today, talking with me and working to get back everything that can be recovered after he stole it from you, or the one in a grave?”
I scrunch my nose, understanding what he’s saying, just not wanting to admit that it’s me. But if I don’t answer, the session won’t continue and I’m not ready to leave yet, even if I’d rather stick pins in my eyes, elbows, and knees to avoid talking more about what I went through.
“Me. It’s me, I’m the survivor,” I finally choke out, wondering if I say it enough that eventually I’ll be able to say it without choking on the words.
Pride emanates from Micah’s honey brown eyes as he nods, his gaze lingering on mine. He puffs his cheeks out, momentarily lost in thought as he glances down at his notepad.
“Do you want to try talking some more about it today? Maybe tell me about when you met him, and why you think you should have realized sooner that you were in danger?” he asks me softly, almost hesitantly, like he’s afraid to push or learn the true extent of what I was put through thanks to Victor’s depravity.
I want to say no. Want to tell him I’m not ready to talk about it, but… I don’t. Because I’ll never get better if I continue to hide from confronting these demons.
Instead of facing him, I turn my head and gaze out the window, my eyes searching for solace in the serene beauty of the clear blue sky, knowing that I need to find strength within myself to confront the past. I struggle to articulate my thoughts as I prepare to reopen the painful wound within me, aware of the growing infection that needs to be cleansed.
Reminding myself that this time, it’ll be on my terms, and that I won’t be thrust into the memories against my will helps marginally. I take a deep breath. The first step to finally healing and getting myself better is by talking about what I endured instead of continuing to bottle it up so it can continue to rot and fester inside of me, contaminating every cell in my being the longer I hold on to it all. It’s time that I take back the control that I’d lost when I learned to stop fighting and to do as I was told for fear of Victor’s punishments.
I let out a heavy sigh and decide to start from the very beginning, each memory resurfacing with a clarity that matches the day mine and Victor’s paths intertwined as I stare outside, my voice quiet, barely above a whisper.
“As luck would have it, Victor made an unexpected stop in the small town I lived in only a month after I’d perfumed for the first time. It seemed almost too perfect—me, finding out I’m an omega later in life, and suddenly a strange alpha comes to town, smelling like saltwater and sand, reminding me of carefree summers spent on the sandy shores of the beach a few hours south of where I grew up. His scent wasn’t completely unpleasant, and he seemed nice enough at first. As someone who had never come across an alpha before, aside from those who were old enough to be my grandparents, he matched my preconceived notions of what I imagined an alpha would be like based on what little I’d learned about them after perfuming. He’d been just charming enough when I met him, the carefully constructed mask he’d put in place when he saw me solid and unbreakable. And although his scent didn’t seem completely right for me, I eventually caved and accepted his invitation for a date just to put an end to his relentless asking.”
I frown down at my lap, picking at my nails as flashes of those early days take hold. All of my memories that include Victor are horrible, but the memories of those early days are somehow the worst. Reliving them now that I actually know the outcome only serves to frustrate me even more.
“Despite feeling a little uncomfortable and out of my depth around him, we went to dinner, and it was okay. Nothing about it felt… like what I’d thought it would. There weren’t any sparks, and I didn’t feel inexplicably drawn to him like I thought I should have. He mostly kept the conversation going by telling me about his work and where he was from, giving me this impeccably polished version of himself, but I can hardly remember any of what he said because I hadn’t really been interested. For the entire date, all I wanted to do was go home and curl up in the makeshift nest I’d made for myself in my closet.”
I snort, shaking my head when I remember how badly I’d been itching to flee back home and bury myself in the many blankets and quilts I’d acquired for myself over the years. I’d tried to seem interested in what Victor had talked about, but I was so lost in my head for the majority of that date, imaginings of soft, plush pillows and warm, cozy blankets consuming my thoughts.
“When the night was over, I figured we’d go our separate ways, and I wouldn’t see him again. It’s what I’d hoped for, because nothing about him really interested me, made me want to spend more time with him, and since I hardly spoke during our dinner, I assumed he would lose interest. Instead, he was even more persistent. It’s something I would have admired if I hadn’t constantly felt so off when he was around.”
Rolling my eyes, I huff and glare out the window, my lips pursing. It had quickly gotten annoying with how often he’d find me when I was out, always asking for another date no matter how many times or ways I’d say no.
“The longer he was in Shadow Creek—the more he chased after me no matter my rejections—the more I wondered if I wasn’t being completely fair to him by not giving him a real chance. Especially when I had nearly everyone in town whispering in my ear that I couldn’t exactly afford to be too picky considering how slim my options were. His scent was calming enough that I was willing to at least give it another try, to really pay attention and attempt to get to know him. I didn’t know when I’d get the chance to meet another alpha—something everyone in town seemed to keep reminding me—since I’d been putting off leaving the only place I’d ever known. So, I pushed past the uncomfortable feeling I got in my stomach, hoping that, if nothing else, maybe I could at least learn more about alpha and omega dynamics. Maybe if I’d stopped being so afraid of leaving home, afraid of trying somewhere different, the wheels of fate would have been kinder to me.”
My voice gradually gets lower until I’m whispering the last sentence as I bite my lip, aggravated that I can’t go back in time to tell myself to listen to that feeling I’d kept ignoring. To warn myself to run as fast and far away as possible.
I exhale, rubbing my eyes with my thumb and pointer finger, because this is why I feel so stupid.
I didn’t know that the churning in my gut was my omega instincts trying to warn me, and now that I do, I hate remembering this part even more because if I’d known even half the things I do now, I never would have ended up in the position I had.
“He was intelligent and charismatic, and most of the people in town had grown to like him after getting to know him after so many weeks of him hanging around. I started thinking maybe there was just something wrong with me when everyone else seemed to like the mysterious alpha that had shown up out of the blue, but I didn’t. Shadow Creek is largely populated by betas, but there were a handful of omegas back when the town was built. That was decades before I’d been born, though, so younger alphas and omegas weren’t something we saw every day. I’d grown up knowing plenty of betas, but had never met an omega before, and the only alphas I knew were elderly and had lived in the town since it was founded, and they generally kept to themselves. I always had a knot in my gut when Victor was around, but being so na?ve, I’d somehow convinced myself it was butterflies or just nerves at being around an unfamiliar guy.”
“Your omega instincts were warning you, but you didn’t know. So, you ignored the uneasiness you felt around him because you didn’t understand it,” Micah cuts in quietly, his brows furrowing momentarily when I glance over at him before going back to looking at the sky. “That’s why you feel stupid? Because your omega instincts were firing on all cylinders, but you ignored them because you didn’t know that’s what it was?” Micah asks calmly, and I nod, crossing my arms and hugging them to my chest because I hate admitting to people how clueless I am about my own designation.
I huff out an incredulous laugh, shaking my head as I remember the chaos I’d thrown the entire town into when I’d perfumed for the first time in the middle of my shift at Chick’s. It had sent all the old bitties that had known me since I was in diapers into a tizzy, like I’d known how to control it when I wasn’t even expecting it. My omega status was hot gossip until I left with Victor, considering it was the most exciting thing that had happened in Shadow Creek since I’d been alive. Nothing new that happened in town held a candle to the news of a late blooming omega born to beta parents perfuming in the middle of Chick’s during the lunch rush.
The news had spread throughout the entire town like wildfire before I’d even made it home that night after my shift. And suddenly, everyone around me looked at me differently, some hating me for something I never asked for and didn’t even want to begin with, while others were just completely enamored with an omega being born in our little town, looking at me like I was someone important suddenly. There were a few that couldn’t have cared less about what designation I was and still treated me like they had my whole life before I perfumed. They were the ones that I appreciated the most.
“I didn’t even know there was a place I was supposed to go when I perfumed, a place that would help me meet alphas safely and teach me what I needed to know, because everything our school taught us about alphas and omegas was minimal. Just the basics about what makes them different from betas, and the fastest explanation ever about how alphas have knots and omegas have slick and heats, and that was it, which didn’t really help me at all. But why would a town full of betas concern themselves with teaching the teenagers of beta parents about alpha and omega biology and physiology when they would all likely end up being betas, right? Jokes on them, because here I am. An omega that’s the product of two very beta parents. Apparently, it’s a one in ten thousand chance that two betas will produce an omega offspring, and a one in one thousand chance they’ll produce an alpha offspring. And in an already small town, with a population of maybe 900, if that, and at least half of the people being older than child-bearing age, even more rare than if we were in a larger city. Guess I’m lucky number ten thousand, huh?” I mutter, finally realizing how much I’ll have to explain for Micah to fully understand the series of events that led to me leaving with Victor now that the words seem to be spilling out of me like a dam being opened.
Explaining to him how I grew up in Shadow Creek, information about the town, and talking about my parents is all important and all of it helped Victor succeed in getting me out of there so he could finally let his mask drop. The first time I finally got to see the real him, all I could think about was how exhausting it must have been to pretend he was a good person for so many weeks and with so many people.
Victor was a wolf in sheep’s clothing, waiting and hiding the monster beneath until he could lead the lone lamb to slaughter.
For a moment, I think about my parents, something I haven’t let myself do in I don’t even know how long now, and my chest begins to ache. I haven’t talked to anyone about them, except for Jeremiah. And even what I told him wasn’t much.
I’ve already told Micah more than anyone else, and there’s still… so much more. So much more pain to relive.
Since I’ve already reopened the wound, I guess there’s no better time than the present to talk about them. Memories of them flood my mind, causing my eyes to fill with tears and my vision to blur as I stare down at my feet.
“My parents lived pretty simple lives. Not surprising considering how old and outdated the town is, but they were good people. Good parents. They were always there when I needed them, while also letting me make mistakes and figure things out on my own. It was something I always appreciated.”
I chew on the inside of my cheek, blinking away my tears before looking up at Micah.
“They both grew up in Shadow Creek, and they never really left because they loved it there. So, it’s not surprising they had no clue what to do when I perfumed. They couldn’t teach me anything because all they knew were the basics we were taught at school. I tried the local library, but even there, the selection for information was limited. Trying to look anything up online was also pointless because the internet out there is still in the dial-up age, I think.”
There’s the slightest curl to my lips as I remember what it was like to grow up in such a small town where everyone knew everyone, and how insanely unprepared my parents were when they realized they had an omega daughter.
“Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t hate growing up in Shadow Creek. I liked the community, and although life might have been monotonous most days, I was content. I figured I’d eventually move away, especially after perfuming, but I just kept finding excuses to put it off because it was anxiety-inducing each time I thought of being somewhere that was so much bigger than where I’d spent my entire life. Somewhere new where I’d have no one to run to if something happened.”
Micah smiles, nodding his head encouragingly at me to keep going, giving me his full attention. It’s a little unnerving, but it’s also nice.
“Tell me about them. Your parents,” he says politely, his voice soft and relaxed.
Not demanding, but more gently prodding.
As he says that, an image of my mom and dad in the kitchen of our family home pops up, momentarily making it hard to breathe because I’ve spent so long trying to forget that I thought I might have completely forgotten what they looked like. I smile, taking a cleansing breath.
“My mom was like a ray of sunshine, lighting up every room she entered with her kind eyes and genuinely pure, open heart. She had the reddest hair that was always wild, with untamed curls that would flop over into her face all throughout the day. I always found it amusing how she would constantly blow the curls out of her eyes when she could have simply tied her hair back. But she didn’t because my dad loved it down, her curls like a wild mane surrounding her heart-shaped face. My dad was a farmhand, and he always reminded me of an old school cowboy. You know, like those old black-and-white tv shows? He was a hard worker, but when he came home, he gave his all to me and my mom. His girls,” I murmur, the corner of my mouth twitching upwards. “They did everything together, and I always thought there could never be two or more people as in love as they were with each other.”
My heart hurts the more I think about this, the more I talk about them. The more I allow myself to remember. I miss them so much, and knowing I’ll never see them again, never get to introduce them to Jeremiah or… my pack—if I ever get one—is devastating.
“They sound like they were wonderful people,” Micah interjects when I pause, and a knot forms in my throat, making it hard to speak or swallow.
I clear my throat and nod my head in response, before I turn back to the window. Heaving a deep sigh, I keep my eyes locked on the clear blue sky, watching the clouds roll by as I continue when I can finally unstick my tongue from the roof of my mouth.
“When Victor came to town and set his sights on me, my parents were all too happy that an alpha had shown up and wanted me, and I guess I never really gave them a reason not to be happy about it or to worry. They loved me more than anything, but they just weren’t equipped to teach an omega how to… be an omega. They thought he’d be able to teach me what I needed to know. If something developed between us, then great, and if it didn’t, well, no harm done in letting him get me out of Shadow Creek.” I shrug, rubbing my palms on the legs of my jeans and clenching my eyes shut.
“But Victor didn’t want to teach me the truth or give me facts,” I say hollowly, a shudder rolling through me as I reopen my eyes.