8. Addie
ADDIE
“Blake, if she doesn’t get out of here, you need to go.”
I kept my mouth shut as Adam said what I’d been wanting to say for the last hour. Resisting the urge to thank him out loud and make things even more awkward took all the inner strength I possessed. I squeezed my eyes shut.
Becky’s mouth had dropped open in righteous outrage. She huffed at my brother, flabbergasted by his comment, and shot up from her seat at our dining room table. As the chair legs scraped along the tile floor, the obnoxious sound grated on my thinly frayed nerves.
“Are you going to let him talk to me like that, Blake?” Crossing her cashmere-covered arms over her chest and pushing up her cleavage, Becky snapped her gaze from Blake to glare at Adam.
She haughtily lifted her chin as she waited for him to defend her.
“Blake wants me here, Adam. And this is supposed to be his apartment, too. Isn’t it? ”
Pinching the bridge of my nose to prevent an impending migraine, I glanced at Blake out of the corner of my eye. He looked as weary over what she implied as I did, but since she hadn’t come outright and said it, I stayed silent.
She jerked her thumb at Blake’s room. “Or is that just a room with strings attached…”
My eyebrows flew skyward. I prayed she wasn’t dumb enough to finish that question.
“Since your parents pay the bills?”
Oh…she had not just said that.
Adam’s jaw dropped. Mine and Blake’s followed, but no one said a word.
As a long beat of silence fell over the apartment, the three of us took in her accusation and shared a heavy look between us.
I tightened my grip on the arm of my chair, ready to push myself to my feet.
Blake got there first.
“That’s enough, Becky.” His firm tone cracked like a whip through the quiet. “It’s time for you to go.”
“Excuse me?” Her head snapped to him so quickly, I thought she might break her neck.
She didn’t.
And my admittedly dark disappointment over that must’ve shown on my face because her glacial blue eyes latched onto me, narrowing on the space between my seat and Blake’s.
I tensed, suddenly aware of how I’d leaned closer to Blake to help him understand part of his assignment. I froze there awkwardly, flicking my gaze to Blake.
When he stared down at me, his expression softened.
It was a fraction, barely noticeable, and I knew better than anyone that it didn’t mean anything. My hopes for things changing between Blake and I had been swiftly put to bed right when I thought they might change—the night he planned to join me for the Glow Party.
Blake disappeared instead. Football stuff, he’d texted Adam.
Then, she happened.
And just like that, Becky Summers became Blake’s first college girlfriend.
Of the string of blonde-haired, blue-eyed cheerleaders and sorority girls I’d seen him flirt with over the years, she’d been the first to sink her claws into him and stick around.
I couldn’t stand her, and it wasn’t because she’d been blowing the guy of my dreams’ mind in ways I didn’t want to think about.
She had Blake in ways I never would, that was bad enough. But I suspected she thought she was better than him—and us—from the minute I met her.
I hated that more.
Tessa reaffirmed my dislike of her every time they had to be in the same room, but I still tried not to judge her. I told myself not to be the girl hating on another for no reason but jealousy, but her face, her grating laugh, and her superior attitude rubbed me the wrong way.
While Blake had claimed it was casual, he still gravitated toward her every time we went out with him after his games.
He started the night with us, riding the high of his big win while surrounded by teammates and our friends, but once the sea of girls swarmed in, I usually escaped.
Nobody needed to see Becky kissing his neck and whispering dirty things in his ear.
Especially not me.
But, like a glutton for punishment, I watched every time, hating when he inevitably slung his arm around her instead of pushing her away. And the first time he invited her to go to the party with us instead of running into her there, it crushed me.
He chose her right after I’d let myself hope again.
And I’d been so scared of rejection, I didn’t tell him any of that.
I just told myself it was for the best. He was on top of the world, and I couldn’t begrudge him any happiness—or easy orgasms—because I loved him.
That private admission forced my body upright, and when I jerked away from Blake too quickly, like I was hiding something, Becky latched onto the way he looked at me.
“I see…” A cruel smirk curled over her lips. “So, what? Tutor Girl over here bats her lashes at you, makes you feel smart, and what?”
I snapped my gaze to hers, glaring as I sat up fully.
“You think if she sucks your cock, maybe her daddy will call you son?” Becky sneered down at me before dragging her icy-blue eyes to Blake. “You think you’re good enough to be part of their family for real?”
I recoiled. Even knowing she aimed to cut Blake, her words stung.
From the look on his face, they hurt Adam, too.
We stared, horrified, as Blake stood there seething. With his hands clenched into fists at his sides, he didn’t look at either of us.
And that—more than anything else—I couldn’t stomach.
The idea that Blake might believe the bullshit she’d so callously spewed broke my heart.
I got up and walked around the table, keeping my eyes on Becky. She shot daggers in my direction as I skirted behind Blake’s chair and came around to her side of the table.
They couldn’t affect me.
Not as the heat of Blake’s sky-blue stare scorched my neck.
“Blake is family, Becky. He always has been and always will be. He belongs with us. Unlike you, I won’t ever have to suck his dick to get him to care about me.
And Blake—” I turned my head and pointedly met his gaze, speaking to him as much as I spoke to her.
“He’s smart enough to know his worth to us.
Smart enough not to let you make him doubt his place in our family. ”
“Yeah, and smart enough to know when it’s time to take out the trash.” Adam snorted.
I suppressed a laugh as I winked at him, and when Blake stepped forward, I turned back around. Smirking at Becky, I radiated smugness as Blake came up to us.
He stood at my side—the two of us against her—and jerked a nod towards the front door.
Becky gaped at him, her eyes brimming with tears. “Blake—”
He pointed at the door. “Get the fuck out of my apartment.”
His voice rang out over the word my, and the finality in his tone as he got rid of her filled me with pride.
Crossing my arms over my chest, I arched a brow and waited for her to move.
To her credit, she didn’t cause an even bigger scene. She packed up her things and left. When the door slammed behind her, we took our seats at the table, each of us trying to refocus on our coming exams but distracted by our thoughts.
In typical Blake fashion, he broke the awkward silence. “So…we should address the elephant in the room. Right?”
I lifted my head cautiously, mentally preparing myself for which elephant Blake wanted to address. Writing off what Becky had implied about him and our family was easy, but I didn’t need to sit through his inevitable denial over what she’d implied about us.
But Adam saved me from that by releasing a loud, dramatic groan.
“Ugh, let’s never discuss my twin sister and your dick in the same sentence ever again.
Please. It was bad enough when Becky said it, but I feel like I need to go wash my ears out with bleach after hearing your dick referenced in a sentence by Addie herself. ”
He returned to his notes, his pen diligently scratching away as my cheeks turned beet red.
That answered the question of how Adam would’ve felt if Blake had ever come around and shared my feelings. Not that I would’ve let my brother decide that for me.
But Blake may have.
So I couldn’t help feeling relieved that Adam had saved me from the embarrassment of Blake’s rejection, and disappointed that the first time Blake opened the door to that conversation, my brother may have unknowingly slammed it shut.
I glanced at Blake beside me, and even though his chair remained inches from mine, the distance and barriers between us grew larger. At least for me, they did.
Blake shrugged. “I was just going to say that I’d never let someone like her come between all of us.” Adam smiled at him before returning to his notes, and Blake lowered his voice, as if suddenly speaking only to me. “Becky was never the one…or whatever.”
My eyes widened at his whispered admission, and I bit my lip to suppress the confession on the tip of my tongue. After so many years with this ache in my chest, it begged to be released.
But before I mustered the courage to admit it, Blake’s lips twitched with a smile. “She’s just a jealous bitch who gives weak head. And she hated how I prioritized you over her.”
I opened my mouth to respond, but Blake cleared his throat.
“Both of you. Your whole family, really. She resented you, but…” He swallowed deeply and met my stare. “I know my place with you guys, so don’t let what she said get to you, kid.”
Disappointment sank low in my gut.
With one word, Blake reaffirmed that he belonged to us and crushed my hopes for more.
Anger swarmed in my chest like a hive of bees. It was sudden, and a bit irrational, but I couldn’t stop it. I wanted to tell him to stop calling me that. I wanted to ask him why he couldn’t see his place with me, too.
But I couldn’t expose myself that way. Not when he’d just given me the truth, whether it was the one I’d wanted or not.
Now, I didn’t know if I was angry with him, or angry with myself. I’d gotten my hopes up again. And for what?
Blake loved me. He loved our family, and his place with all of us. Admitting the truth about my feelings would only make him uncomfortable. Maybe even make him doubt his place with me and our family. I couldn’t do that. Not after Becky had just questioned it.
I never wanted to be that girl.
So I didn’t know why I kept torturing myself by loving him differently.
As the notes on the page in front of me blurred, I pushed my chair back to give myself space to breathe.
When even that wasn’t enough, I stood, startling the boys with my abruptness.
“I need a break,” I announced.
Rushing to the quiet of my room, I pulled out my phone and messaged Tessa. She’d given up on studying earlier that day, planning to drown her stress in melted cheese and greasy fries. I typed out a quick message, letting her know I wanted to join.
I needed to get out of the apartment.
I needed air.
Because loving Blake and knowing I’d never be more than family to him was starting to suffocate me. Trapped between two roles in his life I desperately wanted but couldn’t merge.
My phone buzzed on the dresser.
Studying with B&B not going well?
I snorted at her reference to Blake and her B for the recently departed Becky, texting back as I searched for a cuter outfit.
Details later. I need to get out of here.
Sweet. Peter and his friend just picked me up. We’ll scoop you on the way.
I put on a little makeup and changed out of my oversized hoodie. Opting for a cute skater dress with cutouts at the back and throwing on a pair of high-top sneakers, I revived my loose curls with a quick flip and scrunch maneuver before heading for the front door.
Blake and Adam looked up as I passed, and Blake opened his mouth to say something, but I didn’t pause to hear it. “I’m going out. Be back later.”
With that, I was out the door.
Tessa’s current boy toy, Peter, and his friend, whose name I learned was Finn, were seniors. They took us to a local dive bar way off campus, where no one cared that Tessa and I were too young to be there.
We sat for hours on the back patio, talking about books, music, and art.
Finn listened to everything I had to say like it was the most important and interesting thing he’d ever heard. He asked for my opinion and offered insight on things that mattered to me. And for once, I didn’t feel too young or inexperienced.
The sting from my every interaction with Blake slowly lessened, and I let myself get lost in Finn’s warm brown eyes. With a hue that matched the whiskey in his glass, when he swirled it as he stared at me, it kicked up a whirl of butterflies in my belly.
When the guys suggested heading back to their place, Tessa did her due diligence. She pulled me aside, offering to leave if I didn’t want to go. I hesitated, but I didn’t say no.
Even if Finn’s eyes weren’t my favorite shade of blue, and his hair fell in jet black waves past his ears instead of a sandy blonde, I wanted to stop holding back. I wanted to be valued by the man staring at me as if I were the most desirable person in the room.
To be held and touched like a woman, not kept in a box where I’d always be a little kid.
The way I constantly was with Blake.
I needed to stop waiting for a day that felt like it would never come.
And when I voiced my agreement, Finn stood from the table and stalked toward me. His tattooed arms and soulful eyes stirred desire low in my belly. He ran his fingers up the bare skin of my arm, and Tessa took that as her cue to rejoin Peter.
With the first stroke of his tongue against mine, I let Finn drive away my thoughts of what could’ve been with Blake. He kissed me fervently beneath the moonlight, reminding me of who I wanted to become and not who I’d always been.
And later that night, he brought my body to life in the dark.