13. Addie
ADDIE
Iwoke up gasping for breath.
My heart stampeded through my chest, like it might break free and run for the hills. My legs kicked, and my arms flailed uselessly as I fought against an attack I hadn’t seen coming.
This time, my weak attempts to escape failed, not because Finn overpowered me.
But because Blake had his arms wrapped around me.
At the first sign of my struggling, his grip relaxed instead of tightening.
So I would know I was free.
He ran his hands up and down my back.
So I would know I was safe.
And he whispered reassurances and words of comfort in my ear.
So I would know I wasn’t alone.
My brain registered every action, tucking them away as if hoarding each one for sparser months. And my chest split open as if cleaving my young and reckless heart in two.
Only this time, it didn’t run for the hills. It was where it belonged. With him.
I lifted my face from his chest, grimacing at the mess of tears I’d left behind.
He observed me carefully, his eyes heavy-lidded with sleep but still intent as he studied my reactions. They jumped between mine as he searched for ways to help me through what I’d experienced. What they’d rescued me from last night. What I’d chosen to escape.
He still didn’t see it. How he’d already given me the only thing I ever wanted—him—holding me. Staying by my side. And facing the world with me.
Suddenly, I needed him to know everything.
I couldn’t hide behind the fear of exposing my heart anymore, when even that hadn’t saved it. I needed him to know everything I wanted, my true feelings, and how I’d always loved him.
So I kissed him.
I pressed my lips to his and prayed silently that he wouldn’t pull back, and although he stiffened in surprise, he didn’t move away.
He held still.
And then, slowly, ever so carefully, his arms banded around my waist and tugged me closer.
He kissed me back.
His lips gliding over mine, soft and inquisitive, he welcomed my affection. He moved cautiously, as if introducing himself to a stranger he’d always been hoping to meet.
And with each gentle brush of his lips over mine, we acquainted ourselves with the taste of each other.
Until a hunger for more built inside us both.
When he fused his mouth to mine, eager and hopeful, he tipped my head back slightly. Tracing the seam of my lips with his tongue. Requesting entry to a sacred place. And waiting patiently, as if he’d always longed to visit and wouldn’t let the chance slip away.
I granted access easily, moaning from deep within his chest at the first slow glide of his tongue over mine.
He groaned, too, the sound rumbling through me as he swept in again and again. Each time, more demanding—earnest—as he worshiped my waiting mouth. Devouring me. Exploring every inch of my mouth as if each touch and taste deserved to be savored.
And as he cradled me against him, gripping me so tightly, I swore he’d never let me go.
I’d waited a lifetime for this.
And now, I finally understood why.
Matching each press of his lips and stroke of his tongue with mine, I met him with equal vigor. Desire flared inside me—fervent and feral. Passion overwhelmed me.
And love drove out any hint of reason or doubt.
As our legs tangled beneath the sheets, I sought his bare skin. I dug my fingers into the muscles in his back, pulling him closer.
He slipped hands beneath the hem of my shirt, brushing the skin of my lower back. It sent shivers down my spine as he teased the waistband of my shorts.
And he never stopped kissing me.
I clutched him tightly, needing more. Hooking my leg over his waist, I drove my hips closer. My nipples hardened when he groaned into my mouth, kissing me harder.
He slid his hand up my back and brought me closer. Running his palm down my spine, skating just over the curve of my ass, he dragged his touch down my thigh before drawing back up.
And when he curled his fingers over my hip and squeezed, I rocked my hips against him. Rolling my body into his, I moaned deep in the back of my throat.
He swallowed the sound like he needed it to survive, his hand guiding the gentle rocking of my pelvis. Meeting my hips with his. And brushing the apex of my thighs.
My eyes widened at the first feel of him.
The friction, the heat, the ache building between my legs—it grew unbearable. But I grabbed his hand and brought it to my breast, wanting us to take our time.
I never wanted the moment to end.
I wanted to drive out thoughts of anything else, and replace them with what should have always been there instead.
And maybe if I’d been older, or braver, or more reckless, it would’ve been. We would’ve been, sooner.
But we were here now.
And that was all that mattered.
I couldn’t pretend anymore. Couldn’t deny how much I loved him.
When he pulled back, releasing my lips and burying his face in the crook of my neck, he nipped and sucked and stroked his tongue along my throat. He built up a cry I needed to release, slowly bringing me to an edge I wanted to dive right over.
“Addie…” he whispered against my skin. “Fuck.” Fingers kneading into my flesh, he kissed my neck even as he spoke. “Addie, we should stop.”
“Blake, please.” I whimpered, not ready for this to end. “Please, I need you to touch me.”
His grip tightened on my hip. “Addie—God, Addie, I—” His hips jerked, and his eyes flashed to mine. “We shouldn’t. Addie, this is adrenaline.” His hand on my breast came up to brush the hair away from my face. “When it wears off, you might feel differently, and I…”
“You don’t want to do this?”
He cupped my cheek in his palm. “I can’t if you might regret it in the morning. I need to be—I’m supposed to be looking out for you, Addie. Protecting you. This is—I don’t want to take advantage of you when you’re vulnerable.”
My brow furrowed, and my mind raced, trying to understand.
It played back what he’d said, unable to figure out why I still wasn’t enough for him to want. My boldness deflated, and my hips stilled as tears pricked my eyes.
“You’ve had an awful night, Addie.” He searched my features, his hand still smoothing my hair back from my face, but numbness crept in and I barely felt it. “Rest tonight. Tomorrow, we can—”
When he cut himself off, guilt flashed across his features. He swiped his thumb across my cheek, clearing away a tear as I withdrew my leg from over his hip. Rolling onto my back, I tried to keep the rest at bay.
But his rejection, however honorable or right it might’ve been, still stung.
“Addie, are you okay?”
I turned to my other side, curling into a ball and staring at the wall. “Yeah. I’m good, Blake. If you want to get some sleep, I understand. You don’t have to stay.”
As I forced the words out, they tasted like ash on my tongue. I waited for him to withdraw and leave, unwilling to let myself fall apart until he did.
But Blake moved with me. “No, Addie. I already told you I’m not leaving you alone tonight.”
He brought his arms around me, holding me while I fought to get my emotions under control. While I fought to drive out the voice in my head telling me he didn’t want me.
Telling me I was alone.
Reminding me I always would be.
“Get some sleep.” He kissed my head. “I’m not going anywhere.”
We lay there quietly in the darkness.
With his hand still draped over my waist, and his hips carefully placed away from my body, he slowly dozed off. Right before he did, he pressed a kiss to my cheek and whispered, “I’ve got you, kid.”
And even though I was exhausted, I couldn’t bring myself to fall asleep again.
Not until I forced myself to accept that while he’d kissed me back, while his body had responded to mine, and he’d leaned into the moment, he couldn’t possibly want me the same way I wanted him—Desperately. Beyond reason or rationality. Uncontrollably.
My realization in that moment hit harder than the blow Finn had landed.
It wasn’t his fault.
But I’d made myself a promise.
And I couldn’t go through this again.