41. Zinnia
ZINNIA
M y heart hammers as I close Nick’s front door behind me.
I shouldn’t have walked out. Not now. Not after he said all those lovely, wonderful things to me.
But there’s no denying I was grateful for the interruption when my phone rang.
I don’t know why. I love Nick in a way I’ve never loved anyone. That moment we just shared in his bed was everything. I feel so close to him. So wanted, loved, and safe.
So why do I need a moment? Why am I walking away from him, instead of pulling him close?
These thoughts play on an endless loop as I take the F train to the hospital in Park Slope. They nag at me, the guilt at walking out chafing against something else, something I can’t put my finger on.
“You made it!” Daisy says, pulling me into a hug when I find her in the waiting room.
I give her a faint smile, trying to focus. I’m here to see Violet’s baby, not dwell on what’s happening with Nick, but there’s no denying my head—my heart —is somewhere else.
“Come on.” Poppy loops her arm through mine. “We waited for you.”
I press a hand to my chest, touched. It occurs to me that I’m going in empty-handed, and I glance around, looking for the gift shop.
“I haven’t brought a gift.” God, I’m so spaced out.
But Iris shakes her head, holding up a beautiful bouquet. “These are from all of us.”
Tears prick at my eyes. These lovely women, including me, as if I’m one of them.
“Thanks,” I say, swallowing the emotion as I follow them into the room.
Violet glances up when we enter. She’s got dark circles under her eyes, her blond hair pulled back into a wonky ponytail, but she’s smiling.
Unlike the stark fluorescent lighting in the rest of the hospital, her room has soft, warm lighting, and there’s a comfortable recliner beside the bed where Kyle sits, arms wrapped around a tiny sleeping bundle.
“Hey,” Violet whispers. “Thanks for coming.”
“Meet Forest,” Kyle adds, rocking his arms.
“A boy!” Daisy puts a hand on Kyle’s shoulder, squeezing. “Congrats, Dad. I love the name.”
A proud grin breaks across Kyle’s handsome face. “Thanks. We named him after the pine forest surrounding our cabin in Maine.”
“Where he was conceived,” Violet adds with a sleepy chuckle.
“The cabin, not the forest,” Kyle clarifies, and we laugh.
Iris sets the bouquet on a nearby table, already overflowing with flowers and gifts.
Violet sends her a grateful smile, and Kyle rises, setting Forest gently into his bassinet beside the bed.
He pauses at Violet’s bedside, tenderly brushing a strand of hair from her eyes.
She smiles up at him, tired but happy. My chest aches as I watch him press a kiss to her forehead, his eyes lit with love.
“I’ll give you ladies a minute,” he says. “The nurse will be pissed if she finds too many of us in here.” Then he slips quietly out the door.
“How are you feeling?” Daisy asks, gently touching Violet’s arm.
She yawns. “Exhausted.”
“I bet.” Poppy hovers around the bassinet, gazing at little Forest. “He’s so gorgeous, Vi.” She glances back at us with a grin. “Now I want another one.”
“You already wanted another one,” Violet points out, and we all laugh quietly, trying not to wake Forest.
“How’s Kyle been?” Iris asks.
Violet releases a long sigh. “Amazing. He never left my side while I was in labor, and he’s already doting on Forest. This has reminded me how much I love him.”
Daisy gives Violet’s arm a squeeze, and Poppy nods, eyes shimmering.
“I wasn’t sure when I found out I was pregnant,” Violet continues. “But Kyle…” She sucks in a shaky breath. “He was so patient with me. So sure. Sure enough for both of us.”
A knot forms in my throat, and I glance away. Her words make me think of Nick, only an hour ago, in his kitchen.
You belong with me, Zinnia .
The way he said it with such certainty, such conviction. I’ve never belonged anywhere. Never put down roots, never settled in one place long enough to call it home.
But since arriving in the city, things have shifted for me. Being closer to Gran. Meeting this group of women. Studying something that fascinates me.
And Nick. Handsome, intelligent, passionate Nick.
I never could have predicted I’d fall in love with him.
Never could have imagined how wonderful it would feel to let myself get close to him.
To let myself want more than all the casual encounters I’ve had in the past. What if I’d listened when he told me nothing could happen between us?
Or worse—what if I hadn’t stuck around after the summer?
Just thinking about it makes my eyes well with tears.
“You okay, Zinnia?” Iris asks.
I nod, trying to blink the emotion away. Today isn’t about me. It’s about Violet and Kyle and Forest.
“I’m fine,” I say hoarsely, and the girls frown.
“You’re not,” Violet insists, sitting up in bed. “What’s wrong?”
“It’s nothing.” I wave a hand. “Let’s talk about you. Tell me about the birth?”
She gives a vehement shake of her head. “Please. I am so sick of discussing my cervix.” I open my mouth to ask about Forest instead, but she gives me a look. “And I’ve got months to complain about breastfeeding and sleep schedules.”
“She’s not wrong,” Poppy says, snorting a knowing laugh.
Violet reaches for my hand. “Come on. Distract me for a few minutes. What’s going on?”
“Fine,” I mumble, sucking in a deep breath. “I told Nick I love him.”
Daisy’s eyes light up. “What did he say?”
“He loves me too.”
They lean closer, wide-eyed, so I go on.
“He asked me to stay in New York. To move in with him. And he wants to come clean to the university.”
Poppy gasps. “Wow. That’s a big deal.”
“Will he lose his job?” Iris asks.
“I…” My stomach seesaws at the thought. “I don’t know.”
Maybe that’s what’s gnawing at me. As honored as I am that Nick loves me enough to risk his career, could I really let him do that?
Sneaking around is one thing, but to tell the department chair we’re together, to really lay his career on the line like that…
I couldn’t live with myself if Nick lost his job because of me.
“Hold on, though,” Daisy says, expression thoughtful. “You met before you were his student, right?”
I nod.
“And nothing happened while you were in his class,” Iris points out. “You made sure of it.”
I grimace. “Sure, in his first class. But now…”
Poppy nods. “I get it. You tried to do the right thing, but it still doesn’t look good.”
“Do you really love him?” Violet asks gently, and I nod again.
“I do.” My voice cracks. “Honestly… I’ve never felt like this. So happy and so terrified at once.”
The women share knowing glances.
“He obviously feels the same,” Daisy says.
You’re everything I could want, Zinnia. Everything. All these years I thought I was living, but I wasn’t. You showed me what it’s like to feel, to be alive, and I can’t imagine living without that now. Without you .
His words echo through my mind, and there’s a sharp tug in my heart. When I first met Nick, he’d hardly let himself look at me, let alone feel anything. And now… now he looks at me like I’m his entire world. And he loves me so intensely, even Venus of Urbino would blush.
“He does,” I whisper.
Violet squeezes my hand. “You have to let him tell the university. Let him take that risk for you.”
“But…” The words stick in my throat. “What if he loses everything because of me?”
Iris shakes her head. “Don’t you get it? That’s why he wants to tell them.” She wraps an arm around my shoulder. “You are everything to him.”
A tear escapes, and I dash it away with the back of my hand. Is Iris right? I’ve never been someone’s everything before. Never let myself stick around long enough for that to happen.
“I know the situation seems bad now,” Poppy says quietly. “But we’re proof that even when things feel impossible, there’s a way through.” The other women nod in agreement.
“Maybe you’re right,” I murmur, drying my eyes.
Maybe Nick and I could speak to the university together, lay out all the facts. Explain that we met before he was my professor, that nothing happened during that first class, and by the time he took over this class we were already together.
But even as the plan comes together in my mind, there’s still an uneasy sensation in my gut. Something I can’t put my finger on. And the more I try to make sense of it, the more confused I get.
Nick’s choosing me, risking everything to be with me. Offering me a real relationship. A home .
So why am I still hesitating?
“Does this mean you’re staying in the city?” Iris asks hopefully.
I open my mouth, but before I can get the words out, a nurse bustles into the room. She frowns when she sees the four of us gathered around Violet.
“We probably shouldn’t all be in here at once, ladies.” She crosses to fluff Violet’s pillows, giving us a stern look. “Our new mom needs rest.”
Violet mouths an apology to me, and I give her hand a squeeze before letting it go.
“Thanks for listening, Vi.” I glance at sweet little Forest, asleep in his bassinet. “And congratulations. He’s beautiful.”
I follow the women into the waiting room, my mind whirling. Aidan and Weston sit in the stiff plastic seats, chatting with a tired but happy Kyle, and Iris and Daisy go to their sides. My heart aches as I watch the way Wes laces his fingers through his wife’s, the way Aidan pulls Iris into his lap.
I want that. A devoted, loving relationship I don’t have to hide. A future with the man I love.
I just need to get out of my own way.
Poppy follows my gaze, nudging my arm. “You’ll get there,” she assures me.
Mustering a smile, I wave goodbye to the group. And as I head out into the cool night air, I can only hope she’s right.