Chapter Eight
Iwas out there for over an hour before someone came out and checked on me.
I’d zoned out, sinking deep into the rage I had pushed away as I dug into the soft dirt.
Every time I blinked, my mind flashed to Carl’s last breath, me looking up to seek my friends, my people and having my eyes fall on Rowan.
“So fucking stupid.” I mumbled to myself.
I gave a soft sigh. “I should have figured you were out here, brooding.” Toya sat at the edge of my hole. I kept digging, ignoring her words. I wasn’t brooding. I was digging a grave. I must have mumbled exactly that, because Toya chuckled. “Two things can be true at the same time.”
I snapped my head up and I pointed at her. “Shut up.” She raised her hands in surrender, and I had to close my eyes and clench my jaw. “Sorry.” But I turned back to digging.
She sighed again. “Amy…”
“No.” I wouldn’t let her finish.
“Just listen to me.” She huffed out and I slammed my shovel into the ground.
“Fine. Say what you came out to say and be done with it.” I glared up at her and she shook her head.
“You’re angry at him because he kept his wolf hidden from you.
” She said it as a statement, not a question, so I didn’t say anything.
She raised her brow and then continued. “But you and Nix did the same to him. If you were both honest with each other, none of this would have happened. I get that you’re mad that he didn’t tell you, but-”
“No.” I yelled, surprising her. “I’m not mad that he turned out to be Erubus.
Goddess, if it was just that, I would have been happy.
Ecstatic even. Nix had set her eyes on him, and I…
” I trailed off as I felt my tears burn behind my eyes.
“I wanted Rowan. I wanted him so fucking desperately, I begged him. Begged him to help me.” I felt a traitorous tear fall, and I slapped it away, smearing dirt onto my face.
“But he left me. They left me. The male that we both chose, turned his back on me, and even then I would have still been excited.” I leaned against the wall of the hole.
“But?”
“But now, the man I loved—because yes, I was in love with him, as stupid as it sounds—and the wolf that Nix was set on had just told the entire kingdom that he is engaged.” I looked up at her and I felt more tears fall.
“He said I was his. I was his, but his wolf was set on another. And I was sad, but understood because Nix felt the same way. But the man I want and the wolf she wants are the same fucking person and instead of getting to have my happily ever after, I get to find out that he is engaged?”
Toya looked down at me. “It’s been years.”
“Yes.” I wiped the tears again. “It has, and I know in my head I can’t be mad.
Okay. I know this is stupid.” I grabbed the shovel.
“But he was supposed to wait.” There I said it.
“He was supposed to follow the plan and wait. He was supposed to pretend to date these fucking women and then we were supposed to take down the corrupt and then figure everything else out.”
“Amy.” I watched as she looked down at me and I felt my anger bubble again.
“Look, I already told you I know it’s stupid.
My head is saying one thing, but my heart is saying another.
” I started to dig again. “That’s why I walked away from him.
I couldn’t face him. Not that second. At that moment, I felt like he had lied to me all over again.
That he walked away from me when I needed him, again.
” She made a noise. “You are supposed to be on my side. You’re supposed to be my friend. ”
She stood. “And I am. But I wouldn’t be your friend if I didn’t question you.
” She turned. “You both have your own things going on. And you both have your own plans.” She looked over her shoulder back at me.
“Maybe, just maybe, think on that before you write him off completely.” Then she walked away from me, and my hole.
I snarled as I started digging again. Fuck her. Fuck her and him and everyone else.
She has a point. Megan whispered to me, earning a snarl from both Nix and I. You can be mad at me if you want, but think about our plans.
Shut it. Nix snarled.
But Megan shook her fur out and moved closer to Nix. No. You always taught me to stand up for my opinion. To make sure you two listen. So that’s what I’m doing.
I closed my eyes and leaned against the end of the shovel. “Go ahead.” I was over this night, and I still had to dig a few more feet before I could bring Carl over.
You are planning to use Brandon to get closer to Vince. You have been laying the groundwork for months. Letting him closer. Talking to him more. She sat on her haunches and glared at Nix and I.
What’s your point? We need to get close to him so we can do what we have to. Nix snarled.
That is my point. We are doing what we have to do. We will use my ex mate to get what we need to figure out who is behind the attacks on the packs. So that our father, Toya’s father, can come out of hiding. So that our mother can be with her mate.
“And?” I tilted my head back and stared up at the moon, glared really. She was above me, staring down at me and, in that moment, laughing at me.
And maybe that is exactly what Rowan is doing.
I sighed. “But what if he’s not?” The question hung there.
Megan looked between us again, only this time, her gaze was softer.
Then he’s not, and he has moved on. Found his fated mate and we will do the same.
Her words were soft, but firm. I gave up my mate for this and for what happened in another life because you two were right.
He didn’t deserve us. But the same can be said about Rowan.
If he doesn’t deserve us, then we move on.
We are still young. We have a whole long life ahead of us.
“I still love him.” Another truth I didn’t want to admit.
I know, and that’s okay. Just like you told Carly early, the pain won’t be easy, and it won’t fade for a while. But it will get easier. Megan, in all her wisdom, turned around and stalked off into the forest, leaving Nix and I alone with ourselves.
I kept my gaze on the moon. “She’s right, you know.”
Nix sighed as she laid herself against the barrier. I know…I just don’t like it.
I laughed then, because what else could I do? “Yeah, I don’t like it either.”
We will have to speak to him eventually. She whispered.
“Yeah, but it doesn't have to be today, or any time soon.” I started to dig again. “But for now, I think we have to focus on our own shit first.”
She signed and laid her head down onto her paws. They’re the same person.
“Yepp.” I spent the next thirty minutes finishing the grave, then I hopped out of it. I dropped the shovel by the pile of dirt, waiting to be backfilled, and I went to pick up Carl.
I don’t know how to be a mom. Nix’s voice wavered, and I smiled.
“Neither do I.” I walked back through the bodies and found the rogues roughly tossed into a pile. Wood tossed around him. “Rowan was busy.”
“He wanted to do everything, but I told him you would want to put Carl to rest.” Toya came from the shadows of the cabin. “So he did this. But I warned him to leave if he heard you coming.”
“And he listened?” I stared at the bodies at my feet, my heart cracking a little more.
Toya sighed. “He did. But it had less to do with my words.”
“What do you mean?” I looked up, and she just shook her head.
“You’re going to have to figure that out yourself.” She jiggled the little red gas can, the liquid inside sloshing against the sides. “Carl really thought of everything.” She dropped the hose at her feet and walked over, pouring the gas over the bodies.
“Yeah.” I waited as she lit a pack of matches and then tossed them on the pile. Igniting the bodies and the wood. “This is going to take all night.”
She hummed. “The girls and I are going to take shifts, keeping the flames burning. I already talked to them about it.”
I turned to her. “Thank you.”
She walked over and wrapped her arm around my shoulders. “We are best friends. You don’t have to say thank you.” She kissed my temple. “Go lay our friend to rest. I have things handled here.”
I nodded and pulled away. I turned and lifted Carl from the ground, walking him back to the giant oak, and jumping into the hole.
I laid him down and did my best to wipe the blood from his face.
I fixed his hair and his shirt. I was about to stand when my fingers brushed a small paper sticking out of his shirt pocket.
I pulled it out, and there was a hastily scribbled note.
I thought I had more time. I dumped everything into a bowl on the counter.
‘I dumped everything into a bowl on the counter’. What the hell was he talking about? I checked his other pockets to be safe before I hopped up. I grabbed the shovel, turning back to the man and the grave, but before I could fill it in. I felt a hand on my shoulder.
I turned and looked, and there was my grandma, sadness etched her face. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”
“I know, love, that’s why I’m here.” She leaned in and kissed my cheek.
“Grab a handful of dirt.” She nodded toward the mound.
I dropped the shovel and grabbed a handful before I turned to look at her expectantly.
“Carl, or better known as Carlithaen, the Shaman of old. We lay you to rest to join the Moon Goddess. May her fields be bright and cool. May your wolf and you run together for eternity.” She nodded to me and I went to drop the dirt, but something stopped me.
My grandmother turned to me, and I could see her confusion. “I-” I tried to explain, but she just gestured to me.
“Follow your instinct.”
I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. I opened myself to my magic, and it jumped to my fingertips. “Isla fo int ye per ta na shado.” My grandmother’s eyes widened.
“Why did you do that?”
“Do what?” I felt the magic rush into the dirt in my hands and then I sprinkled the dirt over Carl.
“You protected his grave.” She tilted her head. “No, that isn’t right.” She sounded slightly unsure of her words.
“What?”
“You just said a spell.” I nodded.
“And…”
“And it wasn’t one from the book.” Her voice was soft.
“Of course it was. I remembered it.”
She shook her head. “I remember every spell in my book, my love. But that one, that one, was new. You took my protection spell that my mother and I created long ago, and you twisted it.”
“What are you talking about?” I grabbed the shovel again and crouched by Carl’s head. “I’ll protect her with my life.” Then I stood and started to fill in the grave as my grandmother paced.
“My spell, or I should say, my mother’s spell, was created when I was a child. She created a protection spell, and when I came into my power, we perfected it together. But you, you took it, and created a shield.”
“How could I do that?”
“I don’t know.” She turned to me.. “Wolves with magic have never been able to create new spells. Your father’s book, he has spent these last years finding spells for his book. Not creating them. The three headed Goddess has never blessed a wolf as she has a witch.”
“Until now.” A voice called from the trees.
Instantly, I was on edge. I looked behind at the fire, but no one was looking this way.
“Don’t worry, wolf, the others will not see.
” She stepped from the woods. The Goddess I saw in my dream from the beginning.
“I see you recognize my faces.” She shifted from an old woman to a young one.
Every time my eyes landed on her face, it shifted.
Young, old, light-skinned, and dark. She was every woman and none, all at once.
It was dizzying trying to track the changes.
So I focused on her eyes. Her eyes that seemed to be lit with the same light that I found years ago deep inside of myself. Magic.
There was a crack, and another shape took form next to her. “I have shown her the way, sister.” My grandmother came to stand next to me. I could feel the tension in her body, even though she was just here in spirit.
The Moon Goddess and the Three Headed Goddess both stood next to the oak. I looked between them and then at my grandmother. She bowed as she looked at the two goddesses. “Mother, Maiden, Crone. Welcome. Moon Goddess, welcome.” Her eyes met mine and there was a tiny spark of fear in her eyes.
“Merry meet my child.” The shifting Goddess stepped closer, staring into my eyes, but I just placed down the shovel and faced them. Surprise flashed across her face. “You are not afraid of me?” Her voice held amusement as I looked up at her. She was a very tall woman.
“Should I be?” My voice was soft as I answered.
The Moon Goddess chuckled, but the witch Goddess threw back her head and cackled. “No, my child, you shouldn’t. But even the most devoted of my followers hold a bit of fear.”
I looked back to the Moon Goddess, and she gave me a tiny nod.
“I have walked with a Goddess before.” She smirked back at me.
“And the thing I have learned was that if she wanted me dead, then I would be dead. There is no changing my fate once it is set by a Goddess. But my wolf, my Lycan, and my magic are all telling me the same thing.”
“And what is that?” Her face shifted to a motherly face.
“You need me for something.”