Chapter Four #2
I nodded. “Yeah. Me too.” I sat back against the sofa.
“It took almost a year for me to stop hating him. For the heat, for pulling away. And then the graduation happened, and I was flung back to the pain and anger I felt.” I rubbed my face.
“I don’t know how I am going to face him…
” I trailed off and then shook myself. “I don’t even know if he still cares about me.
Or how Thoth feels.” I groaned. “Fuck, I don’t even know how I truly feel. ”
“Well…” Toya stood, turned, and pulled me up. She turned me to the stairs and pushed me. “Maybe you should go read those letters and figure it out.”
I stumbled to the stairs and stopped. I looked back at her. “I’m…terrified.”
She smiled softly at me. “Why?”
“Because what if I like Rowan and Thoth?” She laughed.
“Two men to pick from? Oh, no.” Toya waved her hands in the air. “Fuck, I’d be okay with just one.”
I laughed. “Not what I meant.”
Her face sobered up. “I know. But what you’re worrying about isn’t a future risk.
It’s already happening.” She walked over to me and cupped my face.
“You do already like both men. And I know that sounds scary. But you can’t change it.
You need to focus on how much you care about them…
and how much they care about you.” I stiffened, and she laughed.
“Stop worrying about it. First things first, read the letters. It will help you understand everything better…hopefully.” She spun me around and pushed me up the stairs.
“But Carly…”
“Is fine with us.” Toya laughed at me. “We all understand that you are busy until this is all over. We signed up for it. And Wendy and I explained it to Carly. As did you. As did your mom. She understands. We understand. Now get your ass upstairs and figure out if the man you love is on the same page.”
I wanted to puke. “What if he’s not?”
She softened her next words. “Then you fully move on, instead of this weird wishy-washy thing you have been doing.” I chuffed, and she held up her hands.
“It’s true and you know it.” She leaned in and kissed my forehead.
“You start to move on, and then you are sucked right back in.” She ran a hand down my hair.
“That’s one reason that had Wendy and I leaning towards Rowan being your mate.
No matter what, he sucked you back in.” Then she laughed a little.
“But not in the toxic human way in the movies. He just does it by being himself.” She turned me around to face the stairs. “Now go.”
I struggled to move. “But what if-”
Toya growled. “Then we face it. Now get your ass up these steps and stop being a pussy.”
I growled back, but finally started up the stairs. Every stair, every step was like moving through sludge.
Why are you so worried? Nix paced inside.
Megan chuckled. Probably for the same reason you are. Nix growled at her, but she just chuffed out a laugh. Megan was braver than she let on. She’s worried that what she is about to read will change everything.
So? Nix looked back at me.
Megan sighed as she stood to run herself down the barrier. So nothing.
What? Nix looked between us. What does that mean?
She is worried that what she is about to read will change everything for her, but change nothing about the outcome. Nix still looked confused. Megan sighed. What if what’s in these letters makes her fall in love with Rowan?
Then we get to be with Rowan and Erubus.
Megan nodded. Okay, but what if we can’t?
What? Nix sat down, trying to understand. That makes no sense.
Megan nodded. What if you find your mate? Or he finds his, and it’s not us? What if Amy reads these letters, and it changes absolutely nothing as she still wants nothing to do with them…then what?
Nix sunk to the ground. I could see she was sad, but she kept it in. Then we do exactly as we said. We stay out of it and support her like she did us. And we mate whoever she wants to mate. The words hurt my heart to hear, but it settled me a little.
We will figure it all out together. I finished the steps and crawled into my bed.
The softness of the bed calling to me to snuggle in and sleep.
I was still tired from being captive, but instead of pulling the covers up, I crawled across it and grabbed the box.
I sat against the headboard and then I dumped the letters into the bed.
“First things first,” I muttered to myself as I pulled letters and started to organize them by number.
What are you doing? Nix pushed closer to the barrier.
“I’m organizing them so I know what order they came in.”
Why do you need to read them in order? Megan asked. It’s all the same information, right?
“Yeah. It is, but I want to know what order they come in.”
But why? Nix asked again. It won’t change anything.
“No. But it will give me a timeline.” I sighed as I finished the stack. “I’ll be able to see what he sent and when.”
And what happened around the same time? Nix asked.
“Exactly.” I grabbed the first letter. “It will show me if it is all just a game to him…”
Or if he is sincere. Megan finished, and I just nodded.
I took a deep breath before I opened the first letter, and I could barely make out the words I was shaking so hard. Nix and Megan both pushed forward, joining with me to calm myself. Nix’s voice whispered through my head. We are in this together.
Megan’s soft voice calmed my pounding heart. We are with you. No matter what happens. I nodded again. I closed my eyes and took a few calming breaths and then I held the letter steadier, and began to read.
Amy,
What can I say that will take the pain away? Absolutely nothing. I know I ripped your heart out when I left you there. You were begging me to help you, ease your burning need, and I wish to the goddess that I was a stronger man. But I am weak.
I knew that if I helped you today that I wouldn’t have been able to stop.
Your kiss alone drives me up the wall, and if I had the chance to get my lips on your body, I would have broken both of our vows to wait for our mates.
I crave you like chocolate. Like air. I need to kiss your lips to touch your skin.
And I knew that if I allowed myself to cross that last step…
if I had taken you into my arms…I would not have had the strength in me to let you go.
I need you to know that I did not turn away from you because I did not want you. But because I knew that you would have resented me. If not today, tomorrow. Or maybe years from now if you ever found your true mate, and it wasn’t me. You would’ve resented me for taking that gift away from you.
I would not, could not, survive if you ended up hating me. I think my soul would cleave in half.
My wolf and I are at an impasse. He has become entranced by a she-wolf that runs through the woods by the university, but I am so wrapped up in you. If it was just me, alone in my body, I would have chosen you the first day I saw you in class.
You took my breath away. You were so confident. So funny. I was gone before class was over. But I tried to hold back because I was your teacher. But even I failed at that.
Your soul calls to mine. If only our wolves felt the same way.
Please understand.
Rowan.
I sat back and let the letter flutter to my lap. I hadn’t realized I was even crying until the first tear fell off my chin onto the paper.
Well, fuck. Nix’s words were soft, but full of emotion.
I hit my head against the wall, letting the tears come. “Yeah.” I choked out before the sobs came. My soul was ripping in two, and this was just the second letter. “How am I supposed to read all of these?”
My question hung in the air. But it was Megan’s calm voice that pulled me back from the brink.
We have to read them, Amy. We have to face them because Rowan took the time to write them all.
You are being ripped apart from reading them, but from the sounds of these letters… he was ripped apart writing them.
I opened the next envelope.
Amy,
I haven’t heard from you in a week. I hope you read my letter.
I know it is stupid for me to think you will forgive me instantly, but I hope you will give me a minute to explain it to you.
I’ve spent this last week getting updates every day from Sterling.
I don’t know if I ever told you he is my cousin.
He told me you’ve been stuck in your apartment. I can’t help but worry about what you’re going through. Has your heat ended? Have you been looking for me? Have you called? I know the answer to the last one, it’s no, but I wish it was yes. I check my phone endlessly all day waiting for your message.
I even look for an email, anything to let me know what is going on.
I was too stupid to get Wendy’s or Toya’s number as I ran like a coward from your place. But your scent, goddess, your scent, was driving me crazy. It’s wrong and still it was the most delicious scent I had ever smelled in my life.
I can’t sleep without dreaming of you.
I know you struggled with your heat, and I am so sorry. If we were a little less stupid, or had wolves a little less stubborn, this would have never happened. I would have never fallen in love with you, or maybe you would be smart enough not to like me. I don’t know.
I don’t know what to think or how to feel. What I do know is that I dream of you. Every day. I smell your skin in the air, taste your lips against mine. And then I wake up and you’re gone, a ghost.
You are haunting me, and I don’t ever want you to stop.
Goddess, save me.
Rowan
I toss the letter down and wipe my face. It was only the second one and I can barely breathe. How am I supposed to do this? Read them all? But then I remember Megan’s words and I grab the next letter. If he was brave enough to write them, I would read them.
Amy,
It’s been two weeks since I left you. I thought you’ve been ignoring me, but Sterling just told me you’ve come out of your heat after a week. A week? That is almost unheard of for wolves. For lycans it is pretty standard for a female in heat, but it lessens with their mate present.
What I wouldn’t give to be your mate.
I think about it sometimes. It’s stupid, I know. But I can’t stop running it through my mind. What it would mean if you were my goddess-given mate? I think I’ve lived our lives together a thousand times by now.
I can’t believe I’m admitting this to you but I had this dream. I don’t even know if you can call it a dream. I think about it, dream about it even when I’m awake. It has become my newest obsession. I can barely make it through a meeting without our life unfolding like a story in my mind.
My mind has rewritten our meeting. How when I walked into the classroom and I spotted you?
Instead of my heart stopping for a minute, and then I had to pretend to not be distracted.
That my first thought about you wasn’t that you were the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.
Instead, I walked into the classroom and your scent hit my nose and I knew.
You were meant to be mine. I kicked everyone else out of the room, and I released my scent for you to recognize me as your other half.
We barely made it to our mating ceremony. I have pictured years with you. Our kids. So many kids.
But then someone speaks and I’m back here. In this place where I left you when you needed me the most and now I can’t see you. Can’t touch you. Can’t even hear your voice because it would rip me open.
Goddess, I am the worst kind of man there is. I have started to hate my wolf. His name is Erubus. I don’t think I ever told you about my wolf. I wanted to run with you, so you could meet him, but we never had any time to.
I hate that. I hate that I never got to meet your wolf. Why did we never run together?
I’m rambling at this point, but the truth of it is that this is all I have to hold on to. Your father has started in with these new plans he wants to have a meeting about, and I have this pit in my stomach.
I wish I could come to your place and talk to you, but he’s sworn me to stay away. He says it’s better this way, but for who? It’s not me.
Rowan