Chapter Five
Istood up and went into the bathroom to take a shower.
I needed a minute away from his words, his truths.
They were ripping my heart open. I read letter after letter and it was like watching a car crash, but in slow motion.
His letters were taking on a slight desperation now.
And even though I had never seen them before, I felt guilty because it was my fault.
I wasn’t answering, and he was spiralling because of it.
I pressed my head against the cold glass. The hot water was pounding against my back, but my mind was still stuck on the letters. His sadness. Our missed connection.
Missed connection? Nix was pressed against the barrier, as was Megan. They hadn’t left my side since I started in on the pile. They seemed to know more than they let on.
She means they had a chance, but they both messed it up. Megan answered Nix as I sunk lower into the dread in my belly.
Did you two know? I whispered my question to my wolves. I needed to know how clueless I was.
Both of my wolves turned to face me. Nix pulled a slow blink and Megan looked away. A new pit opened up in my stomach. Amy… Nix started, but I felt my body shudder. She stopped, but I felt her sorrow hit me. Amy, it isn’t like what you are thinking.
I’m thinking that Erubus told you two about how Rowan was feeling, but you kept it to yourself. I sagged against the wall.
Megan ran her side against the barrier to calm me down. Not exactly. He did his best to stay away from speaking about Rowan, but we figured something like this happened.
I dropped to my knees and allowed the water to run over me. Something like this? I choked.
Not the letters we would have told you, but we assumed he hadn’t been completely honest about his feelings for you.
I sighed. At least they hadn’t held that from me. I was already feeling quite betrayed by my dad, my wolves…pretty much everyone. But if I found out they had purposefully hid the letters from me, I think that would have broken me fully.
I lost track of the time I spent under the water. It took much longer than I would like to admit. But I needed the shower to piece myself back together. Once I stepped out, I would be strong again, but right this second, I needed a minute where I could break down.
You’re allowed to be vulnerable, Amy. Megan sighed.
But Nix was already shaking her head. She can’t.
I just curled over my knees and allowed Nix to explain it.
Nix straightened and turned. Alphas, especially female Alphas, need to be strong.
Stronger than the males because we get attacked so often.
With us in here, she can be like this. But out in the world, she has to be strong, so she doesn’t open herself up to nonstop challenges.
Megan turned to look between the two of us. Are you serious?
Nix leveled her with a look. If you use your head, you would realize I’m right. The whole reason for a Gamma to watch the Luna is because…?
Because Lunas are targeted a lot. Megan finished.
Nix nodded. Why is that?
Because wolves don’t understand that Luna is not an earned position. It is a selected position in the pack. So if there is a wolf who feels like they could win in a fight against the Luna, they challenge her, and the Gammas step in.
Exactly. Nix nodded. It’s the same thing.
Mate or not, Amy is an Alpha. And wolves will automatically think they can challenge her.
For bragging rights or just to feel superior.
Nix stopped. Now we both know Amy doesn’t have to worry, she is strong enough to protect herself.
But she shouldn’t have to. She should be strong enough that other wolves are too afraid to challenge her.
She is. Megan cut in.
Not if she shows this in front of the wrong person. Nix turned back to me. Her friends, her family, it’s fine but if the wrong person sees this, she will be battling for her life every day.
Megan sighed. And all it takes is one mistake.
Nix nodded again. Exactly. My wolves sat back and watched me fall apart. Then, when I finished crying, I stood, finished my shower, and got out. What are you doing now? Nix’s question was soft.
“I’m going to grab a bottle of wine, and I’m going to come back here and finish the letters.” I slid my feet into my slippers and opened the door to find my mom about to knock. “Mom?”
She looked down at the tray in her arms. “I heard you crying. I figured you might need some wine, a snack, and a listening ear.”
I stared at my mom for a moment before she pushed past me. She settled the tray at the end of the bed and poured two glasses. She spun around and handed me one before she climbed into my bed. “Come on, baby girl.”
I felt the last of my resolve crumble under the weight of having my mom next to me. I shut the bedroom door and walked around the other side of the bed, sliding into it. I took a long sip from my glass before placing it down on the bedside table.
“You don’t have to be here.” I turned to look at her and she just smiled.
“I know.” She pulled the blanket over her legs and then pulled the tray onto her lap.
“I know.” She grabbed a cracker from the tray and tossed it into her mouth.
She took a minute to chew and then took a sip from her glass before she looked at me again.
“But I’m not going to sit out there while you cry in here.
” She looked down at the pile of letters in the middle of the bed.
“Is this what’s making you cry?” She grabbed one of the open ones and read it.
I watched her eyes bounce across the page until she dropped the letter to her lap and looked at me. “Oh, baby.”
I turned and grabbed my glass of wine, chugging it. “It’s…” I shook my head. “It’s harder than I imagined having to read through these letters.” I held out my glass, and she refilled it.
“Why are you reading through them…the letters?” She reached out and grabbed another. “Are they out of order?” She looked up, confused.
I nodded. “He wrote me a letter a week, but none were delivered.”
My mom looked down at the letters. “Why?”
“Why did he write to me?” I shrugged. “I assume because he didn’t like how we left it.”
“No.” She slapped my arm. “Why weren’t they delivered?”
I wiped my face. “Because daddy decided I didn’t need them.” She shucked in her breath.
“Your dad thinks he knows best.” She sighed as she looked at the unopened pile. “What can I do to help?”
I looked down at the next letter. “Stay with me.” I grabbed the next one. “I don’t know if I can do this.” My hands shook as I broke the seal.
My mom took it from my hands. “You don’t have to.
I’ll read it to you.” She slipped the paper from my hands and unfolded it.
“Dear Amy.” Her voice was soft as she read his words and I slowly sank against the back wall.
“It’s been a month since I saw your face last and I can say with one hundred percent certainty that I can’t live without you.
” My mom took a small sip of wine and pressed her lips together.
“Your scent haunts me, like a specter in my life. Even if it’s the wrong, it still haunts me.
I turn a corner and I catch it in the breeze.
I can’t tell if it’s magic or just the magic of you.
Someone is chasing me, using you as enticement.
And they are smart to do it.” My mom looked up.
“I know by now you must be wondering why I stay away. Why, if I am this obsessed with you, why do I hide from you? The answer is simple. Your father.” I growled, and I saw her lips turn up.
“He has this plan. And although I fucking hate it, it makes sense. I hate that it makes sense.” My mom sighed as she shook her head.
“Your father and his plans.” She looked at me with sad eyes.
“Your dad thinks that this is the perfect time to get closer to the women the council is pushing on me. Nina, Verity and their ilk. He knows that someone is using magic on me. He said he can tell, but he doesn’t know who it is.
It’s honestly the perfect opportunity. We can start to flush out who has been using magic against us.
But if there is one thing that I could ask of you?
Can you try to forgive me? Please. I can’t stand not speaking to you.
Rowan.” My mother took a deep breath before she folded the letter back up and slid it into the envelope.
I shook my head. “Why does it hurt so much?” I rubbed my chest.
She sighed as she grabbed the next letter. “Because he mattered.”
“What?” I looked at her before reaching over and grabbed a cracker.
“He mattered. Really mattered. His opinion, his time, his feelings for you. All of it mattered to you.” She grabbed my hand and squeezed. “And it hurts because you loved him…by the looks of it, may still love him.”
I growled. “I shouldn’t though. He broke me.”
My mom sighed. “From the sounds of it. It wasn’t his choice.”
I woke up with swollen eyes and dried drool on my chest from where my mother was curled up on me.
I would have laughed if it wasn’t so sad.
I wiped at my tender eyes and my mom lifted her head.
“Hey baby.” She pushed up and saw her drool.
She giggled. “Sorry.” She pushed all the way up and pulled her hair back. “How are you feeling?”
“Rough.” I pushed myself up. “Very rough.”
My mom nodded. “It was an emotional night.” She looked to the bedside table where we moved the letters after we finished reading them all.
“He was very much in love with you.” She turned back.
“How are you…I was going to ask how you’re feeling again and I already know the answer.
But…” She trailed off. “How are you dealing with everything?” She had this tiny flash of hope, but I shook my head.