CHAPTER 9
EMERY
As I’m cleaning down my station, I get lost in memories of Kade showing up at my place a few days ago. Just thinking about it has heat creeping up my neck. That man does wicked things to my body.
I’m not complaining, not at all, but maybe I shouldn’t have given in to the fire between us. What I told him is true though—we can enjoy each other without it meaning I forgive him.
Do I believe that he had an emergency? Of course. Still, he disappeared on me and I’m not entirely sure he won’t do it again.
That fear isn’t something I can allow to hold me back. Which is why I didn’t kick him out right away after he showed up at my door and we fucked like he was going off to war or something. As he held me in his arms, he told me about the conversation he had with his mom and his plans to not go back out to the rig.
I could see the hope in his beautiful eyes as he told me, like he wanted me to believe him and trust in him. I have no doubt that he has no intention of going back to work on the rig, but it’s not easy to put all my trust in a man that just disappeared on me.
My heart and body want me to run full steam into this thing between us though. My head holds me back. It’s probably for the best.
Doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy some hot as hell orgasms and the man giving them out like candy on Halloween.
He really does know the way around my body like no one else ever has. The memory of his hands on my body with reverence in his touch, has me biting back a moan and the need to grab my phone and send him a text.
Even though it’s been a few days, he hasn’t allowed me to push him to the back of my mind. I haven’t seen him, but he’s kept in contact with me. I’ve kept my answers on the shorter side.
It probably isn’t fair to him with all the effort he’s putting in, but that’s all I can offer at the moment.
But you want to give him so much more.
Ugh, my inner voice can be stupid sometimes. As if I wasn’t torn up for three months after he up and disappeared.
I’ve given as much as I have to him, circumstances be damned, because I know I would regret it if I didn’t. Beyond how what happened made me feel, I know Kade is a good man.
And he’s helping find my sister.
The thought makes me squirm in my seat. I don’t like the idea of Jennifer being in danger or hurt, but I haven’t had a relationship with her for a long fucking time. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over the hurt she caused. I can’t envision a time when we have a solid sister relationship again.
Honestly, I’m not sure we ever had that kind of relationship.
We’re such different people and I know the differences in the way our parents treated us didn’t help. I was seen as the golden child and Jennifer was the troublemaker. Not that it did a lot of good in the end considering our parents disowned me because I wanted to follow my dreams.
Remembering Kade recounting the conversation he had with his mom makes fire rush through my veins. How can a mother treat their child like that? Especially after she used him for years.
I kind of hope I never meet the woman. I’m not sure I can be civil and that’s about all I could offer. There’s no way in hell I could be friendly.
A knock on the doorjamb to my space has me jerking back slightly and looking in that direction. I’m not sure what I expected since I don’t have another appointment in the books today, but seeing Lucifer standing there with concern in his eyes is not it.
I jump out of my chair and practically rush the man, “What’s going on? Is Kade okay?” My voice is strained and on the edge of panic even though I wince, “Jennifer?”
Lucifer gently grabs my shoulders and gives a squeeze of reassurance. “Everyone is fine, Emery, as far as I know. I know your man is just fine. Still out there trying to find some information on your sister.”
My nose scrunches up and I’m not entirely sure if it’s because Lucifer referred to Kade as my man or Jennifer as my sister. Are either of those things even true?
Before I can argue either point, Lucifer holds his hand up. “Don’t try to fight it. He is your man.”
I huff out a breath and concede, sullen as it may be, “Maybe.”
“I’ll let Driller convince you.” I would take offense to his words, but the twinkle in his eye and the challenge he’s laid at my feet have me kind of hoping that Kade can do exactly that. “I’m sure he’s already started his crusade.”
“And now he’s looking for Jen,” I murmur, thinking about the text he sent me earlier today to keep me updated on what he’s up to today. I’m sure it’s in reaction to not being able to contact me at all for three months, but I can’t deny that I’m not sure how I feel about him out looking for my sister because of our history.
“He is,” there’s a knowing in Lucifer’s voice that has me taking in the older man with a bit more scrutiny. “I hope you understand and can see that he’s only doing it for you.”
I sigh, feeling the weight of his words, knowing they’re true, wrapping around me. I’m suddenly feeling exhausted. When I wave my hand toward my tattoo chair, he takes a seat with a grateful smile.
“I know he is, but that doesn’t mean that I’ll forgive him for his fuck up just because he finds her.” Feeling bad about the truth of the matter, I admit, “I’m not all that invested in finding Jen. I’m not saying I want her to be in danger or hurt, but she’s made her own mistakes. Trust me, there have been a lot of them; a lifetime really. I don’t have a relationship with her. I was only there with Aunt Dot because she was worried, and I was going to support the only family I have in my corner.”
Lucifer nods slowly before cocking his head to the side. His tone is curious, not judgmental, “What about your parents?”
“I was always the good child, you know?” Something like pity fills the man’s eyes and I hate it. “She was the wild one. Honestly, I believed my parents were only interested in my happiness.”
“They were more interested in you living up to their opinion of success,” he throws out there.
My eyes widen in surprise, and I gasp, “How did you know?”
“It’s not uncommon especially considering my lifestyle. I’ve heard a similar story from brothers before. The good thing was that when they were looking for a place to belong and a family, they found the Devil’s Saints.”
Emotions overwhelm me and prick at the back of my eyes. I refuse to cry in front of this man, a man who screams power and understanding. I push back the feeling, not because I’m afraid to show weakness and be judged, but because I’m not sure I’ll be able to stop if I start.
“I’m glad they found a place to belong and people to have their back,” I mutter softly, feeling compassion and empathy for them while also feeling a little jealous for the lack of the same in my life.
“We’re your family too, Emery.”
I rear back slightly, his words delivered with so much gentle sincerity that I almost launch myself at him. He might be dangerous, and I have no doubt he’s enacted vengeance with his own hands, but I bet he also gives the best damn hugs.
Don’t ask me how I know—I just do.
“They didn’t appreciate my career choice,” I explain unnecessarily as I awkwardly wave around my space.
It isn’t much, admittedly, but it is mine. I did earn it. It’s the beginning of a dream and a testament to defiance. That means something.
Especially because I did it with only Aunt Dot at my back.
“Driller is looking for Jen because he wants to show you that he’s willing to have your back, even though it’s obvious that you aren’t close with her. He’s not doing it for her safety or to save her. He’s doing it for you.”
I nod slowly while trying to swallow around the lump in my throat. “I know,” I whisper. “I just,” I take a deep breath and try to examine my feelings and get to the heart of the matter, “I’m scared of how alone and discarded I felt the morning when I woke up and he was gone.”
Even though I’m basically showing the man my heart, he chuckles softly which earns him a glare from me. “Not laughing at you, sweet girl. Fear is a powerful thing. Hell, Driller is petrified right now and for more than one reason.”
I blink at the President of the DSMC, not understanding what the hell he’s talking about. “He’s afraid he won’t be able to find Jen and then in a few days, weeks, or even years, you’ll resent him for not trying harder and not finding her. And that fear grows even more if something bad does befall her. He’s terrified of what is going to happen now that he’s decided to stop working on the Gulf and stay shoreside. He’s waited a long fucking time to follow his dream because he wanted to do right by his family.”
“Not that his mother,” I sneer the word like it’s a curse, “did right by him.”
Lucifer points at me, his eyes no longer shining with pity, but pride. “And that is why you’ll figure out a way to let go of the past and focus on the future you and Driller have coming your way. You’re pissed at his mom, and you should be.” He sighs, his shoulders slumping slightly. “I’ve tried many times over the years to talk to her and convince her to let the club help. She was one of us, but always held herself apart at the same time. She turned her nose up at the club when it could have been her safe haven. She used her son to her own gain and it’s a damn shame I couldn’t step in and do more about it. It was a lesson Driller needed to learn and he also needed to feel like he was doing right by his family.”
“Between a rock and a hard place,” I murmur.
“Heavy is the head,” he agrees with a wink.
“He came to me after telling his mom about not going back to work on the rig.” I press my lips together, not feeling like I can completely talk shit about his mom since I’ve never met the woman. Not that I think it’ll improve my opinion about her, but still. “I didn’t turn him away.”
“Because you know what you have is real.” I bite my lip and shrug one shoulder. “Lean into it, Emery. Not everyone finds the other half of their soul.” I give him a sharp look, one that I’m sure is full of questions and he cracks a grin. “I did a long damn time ago and I was smart enough to hold tight and never let her go. That doesn’t mean she didn’t make me work for it and it sure as hell doesn’t mean I never fucked up throughout the years.”
“Oh, I plan to make him work for it,” slips from my lips without even thinking about it and I slap my hand over my mouth, slightly mortified.
“Good,” amusement fills that one word as he smirks. “He’ll win your trust and love. He’ll earn it; all he needs is a chance. Look at how much he’s given to his mom and she sure as fuck didn’t deserve his loyalty and devotion. Now, his sisters? That’s another matter.” A thoughtful look crosses Lucifer’s face before he says, “He’s going to need your help for this next part. But if you’re at his side, you both can achieve your dreams.”
“I don’t understand.”
“For almost ten years, the club has had plans of opening a tattoo shop. We even have a building for it. The only problem was that Driller was the only person who was ever going to run the shop. He’ll need your help. He’ll need your strength, smarts, and talent.”
I blush at Lucifer’s praise and then his words sink in. My eyes are probably huge as I stare at the man who just dropped a major bomb on me and he’s looking at me like it’s no big deal. The club has been waiting on him to open a shop?
Driller told me about his dreams of opening a shop during the night we first spent together. We commiserated over how much work it would be and not quite knowing where to start. Well, having a building waiting on you is a great place to start. He seemed like it was going to be an uphill battle.
I gasp as I realize something, “He doesn’t know about it, does he?”
“No,” the word is firm and unyielding. “I wasn’t going to put that additional pressure on the man. He was doing what he thought was right. That’s why I kept trying to find other ways to help his mom and sisters. I just never could,” his words are filled with regret. “Standing at your man’s side won’t always be easy, but it will be rewarding. For both of you and for the club and not just because of the business.”
I nod absently, feeling overwhelmed.
“He’s not my man,” I force the words out, a last-ditch effort to protect myself.
But it’s a lie.
I know it and Lucifer knows it.
He gives me a look that’s all censure and I drop my chin to my chest. Then he stands up, kisses the top of my head and whispers, “See you soon, sweet girl.” He takes a breath and then leaves me with, “Let him into your heart. He’ll treat it like pure fucking gold.”
Well, fuck. A man. A shop. A family.
Could I really have all of that? Could I keep it?