Chapter Fifteen #2
“What were you fighting over?” I ask to break the tension.
“Honestly, I don’t even remember. I just wanted him to hit me. I needed to feel physical pain.”
I swallow hard. “Noah.”
“I felt dead inside, and that was the only thing that made me feel alive, even if it was only temporary. What I did to you wasn’t right by any means, but ignoring your letters and denying your request to visit was how I punished myself. It was selfish, and I realize that now.”
“You wanted to suffer?” I ask softly, trying to understand.
He nods sheepishly. “Yes, I deserved it. You were giving me a get out of jail free card, and after what I’d done to you and Owen, I couldn’t accept it.
After years of pushing you away, I was too embarrassed for you to see me at rock bottom in a jumpsuit and unshaven.
I didn’t even want Gemma and my dad to visit, but I knew that I couldn’t stop them. ”
“You never have to be embarrassed about anything in front of me,” I assure him. “Ever. No matter what. I thought you knew that?”
“I did,” he confirms. “But it didn’t matter because I was ashamed and mortified.
Though I’m in love with you, I knew I’d never deserve you, and I thought if I pushed you away enough, you’d move on and find true happiness.
I’d hoped anyway. I thought when I did get out, you would’ve gotten remarried and moved on, making the temptation to kiss you disappear. ”
My heart nearly bursts out of my chest, and I blink hard as I repeat his words in my head. “Did you just admit that you’re in love with me?”
He furrows his brows. “Yeah, I-I thought I made that pretty clear when we kissed.”
I hold up my hand and shake my head. “No, no. You said you had a crush on me and were in love with me. As in, past tense.”
The corner of his lips tilts up slowly. “I’ve been in love with you, Katie Walker, since I was fifteen years old, maybe even younger. That’s never changed and never will. I tried for years to forget those feelings, but it was useless. My heart can’t not be in love with you.”
I blink to keep tears from falling, but they roll down my cheeks anyway. The ache in my chest feels like it’ll combust at any moment.
“I really wanna kiss you right now…” I whisper. “But I’m so conflicted.”
I hate that I’m crying in front of him. Doing what my heart says shouldn’t be this complicated, but it always has been when it comes to Noah.
Noah kneels next to me, and I turn slightly while wiping my cheeks.
“I know how you feel, Katie. There’s no pressure, and I don’t expect anything from you. As long as I have your friendship, I’ll die a happy man.”
I stare into his deep brown eyes. “You have nothing to worry about. It’s exhausting trying to stay mad at you, and I don’t wanna harbor that anger anymore.”
Noah smirks as if I’ve just hung the moon, and my cheeks heat.
“What?” I ask.
“Only took five and a half weeks.” He winks, and it’s then I realize what he’s implying.
“Oh my gosh.” I laugh, then playfully push his arm. “Was this an evil plan to get me to admit I’m no longer mad at you? Is there even someone after you?”
He snorts, then stands and kisses my forehead. Butterflies surface in my stomach as a shiver slides down my spine.
“Yes, unfortunately, but at least one good thing’s come of it.”
He sits in his chair, and I suddenly miss his closeness. These conflicting feelings are tearing me up inside.
“Well, whoever they are won’t win against us. Not this time anyway,” I reassure him. “I’m glad we’re starting fresh.”
“Me too. It’s a new beginning, and I’m ready.”
We finish eating, and as we’re cleaning up, I mention something weighing on my mind. “Do you remember how we used to pass notes to each other in middle and high school?” I ask.
He chuckles smoothly. “How could I forget? Those got me into trouble just a couple of times.”
“Me too. I found a box of our old notes a few weeks ago.”
“Really? That’s funny, I was looking through some of my old yearbooks. Should’ve known you wanted me by how you signed it.”
“What’d I write?”
Noah’s eyes gaze down my body as we stand next to each other in the kitchen. I do the same to him, except I’m imagining what’s underneath his clothes.
“You put, ‘Your Girl for life’ and then ‘ha-ha’ in parentheses.”
My eyes widen, and I smack my forehead. “Oh my God, that’s embarrassing.”
“Are you kiddin’? I cherished it. Might’ve jerked off to the fantasy of you whispering that in my ear.”
“Noah!” I swat his chest. “You were too young for that.”
He barks out a laugh. “You can’t be serious. I was sixteen. I’d been doing it for years at that point, mostly to images of you.”
“Stop, oh my God.” Now I know my face is beet red.
He smirks, grabbing a paper towel and spraying some cleaner on it before going to the table. “Wouldn’t be surprised if Owen is taking extra long showers.”
I release a groan and inhale a deep breath. Owen having a father would come in handy right about now. He needs a man to talk about this kind of stuff with. I don’t even know what I’d say. Is it time for the birds and the bees talk?
“Katie, I can see the dials spinning in your head.” Noah moves in front of me as if he knows exactly what I’m thinking. “Owen only has a few years before he’s a full-blown teenager. Do you remember all the trouble we got into at thirteen and fourteen years old?”
“Half of those ideas were yours!” I scold.
He cackles. “Yeah, and the other half were yours.”
“I guess I didn’t realize how fast he’s growing up. I kinda forgot that he’ll need a man to talk to him about puberty and girls. He won’t want his mom to tell him what to expect.”
“You’re right,” Noah agrees. “But luckily, he has a lot of people in his life. There’s me, Tyler, and his grandfathers. He might’ve already had the talk with one of them.”
“You think so?” My heart races at the idea.
Noah shrugs. “Only one way to find out. Also, he has access to the internet, so it’s likely he’s already stumbled across something on his tablet.”
“Ugh,” I say.
I check my phone and realize I’m going to be late returning to work.
Our conversation is all I’m gonna be thinking about for the rest of the day.
If we’d restored our friendship years ago, where would we be today?
I wonder if we’ll ever be able to get back to how things used to be or if we’ll always have this lingering what-if between us. “Shit, I gotta go. My break is over.”
“No worries, I’ll finish cleaning up here and look through your list for anything else I can do.”
“Thank you,” I say.
“For what?”
“For sharing with me what you went through and why you acted the way you did. I can’t pretend to have any idea how being in prison was for you, but please know I’m here for you.
I always have been. You don’t need to hide from me anymore,” I tell him sincerely.
“Please, don’t push me away again. I don’t think I can survive it twice. ”
Noah closes the gap between us and cups my face. He lowers his forehead and presses it to mine as our breaths entangle.
“You deserve the best, even if the best isn’t me, but I’ll never make that mistake again.” He pulls back slightly until our eyes meet. “I can promise you that.”