Chapter 19 #2
She didn’t hear a car pull into her driveway and didn’t know anyone was there until, standing in the doorway, Knox said her name.
Startled, she let out a squeak before she turned. “What are you doing here in the middle of the day?”
“I’d heard Holt gave you the day off, and I was worried about you.”
She sat back on her haunches, her gloved hands on her thighs. “As you can see, I’m absolutely fine.”
The Knox problem had been mulling in her mind. The girls didn’t mind if she dated Knox, and the bosses at work didn’t care. Lee thought she should go for it. The only one who had a problem with the relationship was her.
“Have a seat.” She pointed at the bistro table with her trowel, watching him stride into her domain, powerful, graceful, beautiful.
The day had grown warm, and as he peeled off his suit jacket, hanging it over the back of the bistro chair, she admired the muscled lines of his body.
She almost felt all that warm skin beneath her fingertips, scented him, tasted him.
And suddenly she knew she couldn’t let any of that go. She couldn’t let him go. No matter how afraid she was.
“Look,” he said. He tapped his fingers on his knees as if he were nervous.
But Knox Turner would never be nervous. “I’d planned on apologizing for kissing you in front of everyone.
But that would be a lie. Seeing that guy hurt you scared the crap out of me.
I thought he was going for you, that he wouldn’t stop, that he might even punch you.
I lost all rational thought that would have told me not to touch you.
Maybe I shouldn’t have done it. But I’m still not sorry I did.
” He put his hand to his beautiful chest, his shirt white against his tanned skin.
“I needed to touch you, taste you, hold you so that I’d know you were okay. ”
All the tension in her chest finally eased. She’d thought her talk with Holt had squeezed it out of her, but only Knox truly made it go away. “I thought it would jeopardize my job,” she admitted. “That it might even upset my relationship with my daughters.”
He cocked his head. “And did it?”
She shook her head, then dug another hole, plopped in a flower, tamped the earth down around it as she talked.
“You’re right. No one cares.” She shrugged, resting the trowel on her thigh.
“I’ve been thinking this whole weekend. About you and me.
Even the girls talked to me about you.” All right, they were her girls.
They could both be fifty years old and they’d still be her girls.
But even now, after talking to Holt in his office, after Ruby egged her on, after everything the girls and Lee had said, it was still hard to express what she wanted.
But she needed to say it. She needed to be strong.
She needed to go for it. Because what they had was too good to give up without a fight. “I want a relationship with you.”
There, she’d said it, and the sky hadn’t fallen and lightning had struck her.
Leaning forward, elbows on his knees, his gaze roved over her. “We’re already in a relationship.”
She agreed. “I know. But I thought you’d want to hear the words.”
“Yeah, I want the words.” He laughed softly. “I was actually going to get down on my knees and beg you. But the tile is all covered in dirt.”
Her face ached with the brilliance of her smile. “I’d have thought you’d love rolling around in the dirt and letting it all go.”
He grinned. “You ain’t seen nothing yet, baby. I’ve got so many adventures planned for you.”
But before he could rise out of the chair and sweep her into the house to follow up on his plans, she said, “We need a few ground rules.”
The humor washed off his face, and he put a hand to his forehead like a swooning maiden. “What kind of rules now?”
She shrugged. “Just regular stuff.”
“Like what?” His voice was suddenly harsh, his eyes narrowed.
Maybe she should have waited until after the sex to tell him the rules.
But she’d started, and she needed to get it out of the way.
Then she could mollify him by taking him in her mouth.
“You know, just stuff like how we won’t live in each other’s pockets.
I do my thing when I want, and you do your thing. ”
“My thing?” There was definitely an edge to his words now. “What does that mean? Like I go fuck whoever I want and you go fuck whoever you want?”
She shook her head. “That’s not what I mean it all. We need to be exclusive.”
He released the fist he’d curled his hand into. “All right. We’re exclusive. But if you want to go on a spa weekend with the girls or I want to play golf with Court, neither of us needs to ask permission. Right?”
She smiled. “That’s it exactly.” He was getting it.
“All right, I can handle that rule.” But there was still a harsh emphasis on the word. “What else?”
“Just things like our work. If I say I have to work late, then that’s what I have to do. Same goes for you. We don’t question each other about those responsibilities.”
“I’m down with that.” But his eyes were shuttered, and she couldn’t read him.
“We shouldn’t actually live together or anything like that. You should have your space and I should have mine. We shouldn’t have to report to each other on everything we do. That’s what I’m saying.”
He nodded tentatively. “All right, we each have our own space, and we don’t report to each other.”
His flat tone got under her skin. She was just being reasonable, so they both understood. And she had to go on. “And I don’t want you to pick out the clothes I wear.”
“Pick out your clothes?” His face screwed up in disbelief. “Why would I do that? You’re already a gorgeous dresser.”
She shrugged. “I don’t know. Like if I wear a blouse you thought was too revealing, you don’t get to say I need to change it.”
Hands hanging between his knees, he lasered her with a look. “As I recall, I was the one who suggested you wear that revealing tank top for a walk in the park. And to the best of my knowledge, I’ve never dictated what you wear.”
“Except for the night we went to the club.”
“That was different.”
“Yeah, I guess it was,” she agreed. Because it had been about setting the stage for the night.
His teeth ground audibly before he said, “All right, so I don’t tell you what to wear.
” He narrowed his eyes. “Except if I have a special adventure planned. And we’re not in each other’s pockets, we don’t have to explain when we do things without each other, and we’re not living together.
” He tilted his head slightly and raised a brow. “Did I miss anything?”
In for a penny, in for a pound, as the old saying went.
She might as well get all the arguing done now, then they could get back to the great sex.
“I don’t think the bedroom should be a battleground.
I mean, like using sex as a weapon, withholding it when we’re mad about something or whatever, using it as part of a power play.
It should just be hot, sexy fun, like we already have. ”
He stood then, not raging but measured, the line of his jaw hard. As he looked down at her on her knees, she felt the power shift between them, but she refused to get up. She wouldn’t be intimidated.
“Is that everything?” he asked, so mildly that it was actually worse than if he’d shouted.
She huffed out a breath. “That’s it.”
“Then let me give you my answer.”
She shuddered inside, fearing for the first time that he might actually leave. That he hated her need for rules. That he didn’t understand.
He dropped to eye level, hunkered in front of her, and reached out to take her chin in his hand to make sure she was looking at him.
“I’m not your fucking ex-husband.” The words ended on a hiss, and his eyes darkened to a deep umber.
“I do not use sex as a weapon or to punish you. I do not care what you wear as long as you feel good wearing it.” He was breathing hard as if he had to restrain himself.
“I do not want to lock you up in the house and keep you away from your friends or your daughters. I have no intention of telling you what you can and can’t do.
I don’t want to fuck other women, and despite all the fantasies we’ve shared with each other, I don’t want you to fuck other men.
Although I enjoy a bit of fun, like we had at the club and on the dance floor and in the park, I don’t need that.
I like to watch and I like a little risk, but I’m not willing to put our relationship at risk.
So don’t draw any parallels between your marriage and what we have together.
Don’t compare me to your fucking ex-husband.
Because I’m not him. And I won’t treat you the way he did. ”
She had to take a breath. She hadn’t even realized she’d been holding it. “You don’t even know what my marriage was like.”
“Hello!” He tapped his temple. “You’ve told me plenty, even if you don’t realize it. And your new list of rules told me the rest.”
“Those were just things we needed to talk about, so we understand each other, so there aren’t problems down the road. Every couple should talk over their own personal rules.”
His mouth flattened into a tight line. “That’s not a list of rules.
It’s a list of what you’re afraid I’m going to do to you down the road.
” Then, as if he’d flipped a switch, his gaze turned gentle, and he cupped her cheek.
“I don’t want to control you, I want to love you.
I don’t want to tell you what to do, I want to make you feel good.
I want to make you smile when you wake up in the morning, to make you happy to come home to me.
I want to support you in your career and in whatever you choose to do.
I want your daughters to say, ‘You know, Knox is really good for Mom and she’s really happy.
’ And I want you to be happy with me. Because if you live in fear of how I’ll react to something, then this isn’t worth it.
” He dropped his hand, but held her with the power of his gaze.
“The question is whether you want to love me without fear. Because I don’t want us to be together any other way. ”
Why did his words hurt so badly? Because she wanted everything he said. She wanted to be happy with him. She wanted to love him. She wanted him to love her.
And yet… Oh God…
She told him the terrible truth. “I’m too afraid to try.”