Chapter 20
God, he wanted to kiss her. Hold her. Make love to her for hours on end.
But they had to deal with her fears, or they’d never make it.
“I know you’re afraid. I know you don’t want to be hurt again.
” She’d mentioned her husband, told him bits and pieces, but until she’d listed her rules, he hadn’t truly grasped just what the man had done to her.
He’d taken away the job she loved. He’d belittled her, controlled her.
But thank God he hadn’t tried to take her daughters away from her.
Knox knew she would never have survived that. He cupped her cheeks in his hands as her emotions played across her face. She’d held him at arm’s length for weeks. All out of fear when he’d believed she was fearless.
“Did you think I’d get jealous seeing other men looking at you?”
“I thought you loved it,” she said, her voice soft and stuffy with tears she didn’t shed.
“I loved it. And I hated it,” he admitted. “I wanted it and was afraid of it. Afraid you’d choose one of those men over me.”
Her gaze on him was mystified. “Why would I ever choose anyone over you?”
He put her hand to his heart. “Feel how hard it’s beating?
That’s fear.” Maybe revealing his own fears would help her.
“Fear you’ll never let me into your life all the way.
That you’ll always need to have rules that keep me at bay.
That you don’t want this thing between us to last. That you want only the phone calls and the hot sex.
” He leaned in for a sweet kiss on her lips, craving the taste of her.
“I’m so afraid you don’t want me in your life.
And I don’t know how I’ll handle it if you don’t. ”
She trailed a finger down his cheek. “Of course I want you. I’ve wanted you since the moment I saw you. And I’ve been a goner since you stepped into my office and I knew you’d heard everything I said. Because I was pretty sure I used your name for my fantasy man.”
He smiled, wanting to feel it deep in his bones. “You definitely said my name. Loud and clear. I knew I was on your mind.”
“Then what can you possibly be afraid of?” She looked at him with her brow furrowed.
He laid out the truth for her. “I loved my wife. I thought she loved me. Yet I found her in bed with another man. And even when she saw me in the doorway, she didn’t stop. So let’s just say I don’t always believe what a woman tells me.”
“Are you afraid I’m in it just for sex?”
“Yeah. Totally. And I’m afraid that even if we’re together for a few weeks or months or even a year, you’ll heal from whatever—” He waved a hand in the air. “—your ex-husband did to you. And you won’t want someone like me.”
She held his face in her hands. “It will never be possible for me not to want you.”
“But what if you can’t love me the way I love you?”
She stroked his lower lip with her thumb, and he actually trembled when she asked, “Do you really love me?”
“With all my heart.”
“But it’s only been a few weeks.”
“My heart knows. And if my head hadn’t known it before, on Saturday, when I saw that piece of shit shove you, I knew it in every cell of my body.
I wanted to beat him into the ground. I would have if Court hadn’t gotten there first.” He pulled her up, held her in his arms, and whispered against her hair, “But first I needed to make sure you were okay.” Then he held her away, lasered her with his gaze.
“I thought I would die when you wouldn’t talk to me all weekend.
I’m just as afraid as you are.” He kissed her again, relished the sweetness of her lips.
“But if we’re together, maybe we can help keep each other’s fears at bay. ”
“You mean together without rules?”
“Your rules scare me.” He caressed her shoulders, wanted to haul her against him, but she needed to see his eyes.
“Rules mean you don’t trust me. Rules mean that I’m always on the outside looking in, that I’ll be afraid every day I’ve done something wrong, pissed you off, that you won’t take my calls, and you’ll lock your door against me. ”
She looked at him, her eyes misty. “But you’re so confident. So sure of yourself.”
“But I’m so damned arrogant.”
When she smiled at his admission, his heart wanted to explode. “That’s part of your charm.”
“But I make up all the naughty plans, I tell you what to do, and order you around.”
“You take my fantasies and turn them into adventures. You tell me what you want me to do and don’t punish me for liking it. Or for not liking it.”
“I don’t want to punish you, especially not with sex. I want to make the things we do together the best they can be for you.”
Leaning in, she rubbed her nose lightly against his. “Everything we’ve done has been the best.”
“What I can’t handle is if you freeze me out.”
“You mean like I did this weekend?”
He shook his head before she got the wrong idea.
“It was agonizing, but I knew you needed time to think. You felt threatened. I understand that. But I will never knowingly hurt you or force you to do something you don’t want to.
I’ll always ask and you can always say no.
At the picnic, though, I didn’t ask when I kissed you. And I’m sorry for that.”
“Holt told me this morning that he can’t throw stones at anything we want to do.”
Knox laughed. “He sure as hell can’t. None of them can. No one cares what we do because they’re doing it themselves.”
She laughed softly. “Ruby told me to get the hell out of the office and call you.”
His grin seemed to stretch across his whole face. “I’ve gotta hand it to Ruby.” He pulled her in for a tight hug, breathed his vows against her ear. “I want you. I need you. I love you. My feelings won’t change after a month or a year or fifty years. You’re in my blood now.”
She went up on her tiptoes to throw her arms around him.
“I’ve been afraid of falling in love with you.
” Her voice trembled, her tears close. “I kept telling myself I couldn’t stand it if you started telling me what to do, as if I wasn’t good enough the way I was.
Or if you punished me for a mistake I didn’t even know I’d made.
I couldn’t bear it if you didn’t take my calls. ”
He held her so tightly that she would have to feel the wild beat of his heart.
“I will always take your calls. I will never punish you. I will always love you.” Because he had to see her, he held her away and asked, “Can you love me without reservation? Without rules? Can we do this without being afraid?”
She swallowed. “I’m not sure I know how to live without being afraid.”
He cupped the back of her head in his hands, kissed her long and sweet, the taste of her filling him up. “I’ll help you through your fears. And you’ll help me with mine. And we’ll be so much stronger together because of it. Say you love me and put me out of my misery.”
A smile played on her lips. “Is that an order?”
He stroked his thumbs under her eyes, wiping away the wetness that had seeped out. “It’s a plea.”
Then she gave him what he craved. “I love you with everything in me. If I didn’t, I would never have been so afraid.”
“Christ, I want you.” Then he picked her up in his arms.
“I’ve got dirt all over me,” she cried out.
“I love how filthy and dirty you are.”
Then he took her inside to prove to her that she never had to be afraid again.
Instead of carrying her up to the bedroom, Knox set Summer gently on the sofa.
“What are you doing?” she asked as he reached for the remote and turned on the TV.
He smiled, saying, “You’ll see.”
Then he logged into his streaming account. “I’ve got a little surprise for you.”
She gasped when the movie credits appeared on the screen. He couldn’t help smiling. “It’s not Academy-Award acting or screenwriting, but I found it for you.” He’d searched for the movie just for fun, but after everything she’d said, it was far more important than he’d imagined.
She put her hands to her mouth and said from behind them, “Strictly Taboo. I can’t believe you actually found it somewhere.”
“It was an exhaustive search.” Then he snuggled her against him. “I had to find something to satisfy your dirty mind.”
When the stepdad entered, she kept her gaze glued to the screen. “Did I ever tell you about the time I put my foot in my mouth and accidentally revealed to a coworker that I watched dirty movies?”
He kissed her temple as she told him about recognizing a man in her coworker’s wedding photos. She pointed at the screen. “It was him. I just didn’t remember until the moment he said that if I watched a lot of dirty movies, I would know the guy.”
Knox laughed until his sides ached. “You are such a filthy woman.”
She laughed just as deliriously. “It was mortifying.” Then she added, “Luckily he was leaving the company, so I didn’t have to see him again.”
This was how he wanted her to be, engaged with him, watching the movie. Telling stories was something they did together, part of their desire, not a tool to make her feel inadequate.
On the screen, the naughty stepdaughter crawled down between the pervy stepdad’s legs.
And Knox made his move, shoving the coffee table back with a foot and going to his knees in front of her.
He couldn’t see the screen; he didn’t need the movie.
He needed only her. And he pulled off her old sweatpants, Summer rising a little to help him.
Then he hooked his fingers in her tantalizing thong and looked up at her. “I need to taste you. I need to touch you. I need to slide my fingers inside you.”
She moaned. “Oh God, yes, please.”
On-screen, he heard groaning and grunting. But Summer’s sounds were infinitely more erotic. Tugging the thong down her legs, he threw it aside and spread her wide open as if she were a feast laid out before him. “Christ, you’re the prettiest little thing down here.”
She laughed, putting her hands in his hair, guiding him.
Neither of them watched the movie as he buried his face against her. She was so damn sweet, so damn wet, so damn everything he’d ever needed.