Chapter 13
ONE, TWO, CHA CHA CHA
Thane
My nerves tangle inside me as Pearl’s words repeat in my mind: If she’s worth it, you’ll find the courage to take the leap.
My heart races and panic sets in. A sense of urgency takes over any patience I had the day before. The stakes are somehow higher now as I watch the time clock on my opportunity run down. Our history is stacked against me, so now I fight Sera’s resistance and the actions of “Past Thane.”
Stupid Past Thane…
We drive in silence for a few miles, and I’m so lost in my thoughts, I’m oblivious to the awkwardness of it all. That is, until Sera launches off at a million miles an hour with the mother-of-all-lists of small talk.
“The weather should be good for the rest of the drive down. Tropical Storm Dylan has moved off the coast, and we have sunshine and high temps the whole time we’re in Amethyst Lake.
I can’t wait to sit on the dock and get a tan.
I’ve been stuck inside so much with my job at the bakery that I look like a vampire.
I didn’t even get a good base tan. I hope I don’t burn… ”
I rub my hand over my stubbled jaw and take a deep breath.
“Fina, what are you doing?”
She stops mid-sentence.
“What do you mean?”
“All this… fluff. Skirting around the elephant in the room. Talking about the weather. This isn’t us.”
“We’ve done plenty of avoiding the elephant, Thane. Plus, neither of us knows what ‘us’ is anymore.”
“Maybe that’s why our moms made us do this road trip. So we could remember.”
She presses her lips together thoughtfully. “Maybe. But we have so much to sift through, and I don’t even know where to start. Then there’s all that time apart. We’ve grown up and grown apart, T.”
T. One letter crosses her lips and I’m running hand in hand in the dark with her toward the lake again.
We lay for hours that summer under the stars—her head on my chest—her new nickname for me rolling off her tongue like it had always been there.
Little did I know back then that the best way to get a nickname from Fina was just to kiss her senseless on the side of the road.
It unlocked a whole new woman inside of her, and I stepped back to admire her often that summer.
But as soon as my old nickname slips past her filters, she pulls it back in. “Uh, I mean, Thane,” she stammers. “Sorry.”
“Don’t be. I always liked when you called me T.”
“You did? Why?”
“Because it was special. No one else got a nickname like that. It made me feel important to you.”
“You are important to me. Were. Are.” She smacks her forehead in frustration. “You are important to me still. Just… differently. Listen, I know this is important to discuss, but I don’t really want to dredge up the past right now.”
“With all due respect, Fina, maybe we should start having the uncomfortable conversations. This isn’t going to fix itself unless we put in the work.”
She twists in her seat to look at me and crosses her legs underneath her.
“I know our moms had good intentions, but I don’t think my heart can take reliving everything I felt when you left.”
Her words punch me in the gut. I can’t breathe.
I’ve never had the wind knocked out of me verbally before, and it’s not something I ever want to experience again.
I know I hurt her. It was something I could never outrun, no matter how far away I went—or how long I stayed away.
A new flavor of regret pours over me and leaves a bitter aftertaste of shame behind.
I instinctively put my hand on her knee like I used to, and force a smile. I muster all the patience I have to go at her pace, and say, “Okay. You let me know when you’re ready, then.”
“You say that like I’m the only one holding us back from healing the past,” she says with a sharp tone.
I shrug. “I’m ready when you are, Fina. I’ve been ready for a while now.” When her silence hangs between us, I pull my hand back to the steering wheel and finish under my breath, “That’s kind of why I came back home.”
She blinks furiously and swipes at a rogue tear before clearing her throat.
“How about this: we leave the past alone for now, and just focus on moving forward. We’re off to a good start by trying to be civil. Maybe if we focus on the future instead of the past, we can learn to be friends again.”
I don’t like ignoring the wedge that has grown between us, but I realize that forgiveness with Fina is going to be more like a dance than a marathon—one step forward, two steps back. Cha cha cha. That measly olive branch is all she’s willing to offer right now.
So I take it.