Chapter 8
eight
DECLAN
I’m a coward. Instead of getting to work early, like I have since the first day I started at Ashford Falls High, I walked into my classroom only minutes before the first bell rings.
I can’t really say why, except I’m still feeling a little raw from my conversation with Scott last night. Once we started playing rummy, our conversation stayed on a lighter note, but I couldn’t stop thinking about what he said. And seeing Quinn would keep reminding me of what we’ll all be losing. Her being here is a reminder Scott’s days are numbered.
It’s not like I had a lousy childhood. It was pretty good looking back at it. I didn’t necessarily feel I could talk to my parents about everything going on in my life, but I knew they would be there if I needed them. At least one of them, if not both, was at all my after-school activities, both sports and art-related. I was honestly surprised my parents hadn’t been more supportive after my divorce. I knew they disagreed with it, but my entire childhood led me to believe they still would have supported me.
Obviously, I had been wrong.
My sister tried her best to support me, but it had been difficult with her being away at law school. She moved home right after I moved to Ashford Falls. She made the trip to see me a couple of times a year, and she was the reason I still went home for the holidays.
It’s Caleb and Scott who have completely changed the way I look at family. It shouldn’t surprise me Scott’s right. Family isn’t only about blood. He showed me that every time he invited me over for a family activity, or because he wanted to see me. And Caleb was right there reinforcing that feeling of being a part of the family. Our text chat on my phone is filled with random GIFs he sends to make sure I know he hasn’t forgotten me when he has multiple late shifts at the hospital.
It’s lunch now, and I know I can’t avoid Quinn forever. Moreover, it isn’t fair to Quinn that I’m avoiding her. Her family firmly believed she’d come home on her own someday. If that were true, then being in each other’s lives was inevitable. Scott’s illness only sped that up.
I make my way down the hall to her classroom and see her door open. Through it, I see Quinn at her desk, looking down at some papers in front of her. Her hair is tied up in a messy knot on her head, and a few pieces have fallen loose around her face. Even though she has a pen in her hand, there’s a pencil tucked behind her ear, making me smile.
I knock lightly on the doorjamb before walking into the classroom. “Hey.”
Her head jerks up, and her shoulders relax when she sees it’s me. “Hey. I didn’t see you this morning before school started.”
I come around the table in front of her desk, leaning back and bracing my arms on the edge. “Yeah, I was a little …” I hold my breath, puff my cheeks, and blow out the air, unsure how to finish that sentence.
“I think I know what you mean.” She throws the pen in her hand down and leans back in her seat, crossing her arms over her chest. I’m sure she doesn’t mean to, but in doing so, she pushes up her chest, and I can’t help but glance down quickly before looking back at her face.
“I don’t even know what I mean, I don’t know how you could.” I’ve never been unable to label my emotions, and it’s not even because I don’t want to vocalize them, I just don’t know how to explain them. Not when it comes to Quinn, and not when it comes to the idea of her father dying. The latter shocks me far more than the former—though the former does surprise me. I’ve lost loved ones before. I should know how to handle this.
But no, when it comes to the idea of losing Scott, I’m frozen. I know there’s a bit of fear there, but there’s something else I can’t place.
Scott isn’t the only reason I’ve been welcomed into the Marks family. Caleb is more a brother to me than anything, and that’s because of what we built on our own. I know that won’t change when Scott’s gone. So, it’s not fear of losing these relationships I’ve built, but something else. Fear of what the future holds. Fear of not having this friend to lean on, one I’ve taken for granted. Fear of losing the guidance he has always offered me when asked. Fear of how these people I’ve come to love will survive this loss.
I’ve lost people I was close to before. But this is different. Maybe it’s because he’s so young or because we know it’s coming. But I’ve never felt this lost before.
Quinn shrugs. “Dad has a way of leaving you feeling at peace, while also making you question everything you think you know about life. He’s always been like that, but I think he’s making me question life far more than he used to.”
A laugh bursts out of me. “Yeah, I know that feeling. He does have a way of doing that, doesn’t he?”
Quinn looks at me, her eyebrows drawing in, like she doesn’t understand something. “I’m trying to figure out how none of them ever mentioned you before. Or how I’ve somehow always managed to time my visits while you’ve been out of town.”
Now it’s my turn to shrug. “I can tell you why I’ve always been gone when you’ve been in town, but I don’t know how they’ve never mentioned me over the last five years. I know, in the beginning, they thought you might feel guilty this random guy they just met was around so much. Helping whenever they needed. Then I think they thought you might worry.” I get a little more situated, leaning against the table and cross my arms. “Why is this stranger always around? Why is he helping so much? If they need that much help, is his illness worse than they made it seem?”
“Yeah, I can see that being something I would have thought about.” She shifts in her seat, clearly uncomfortable with that thought. She swallows before asking, “Was it worse than they told me?”
“I don’t know,” I tell her honestly. “I don’t think his prognosis was worse than what they told you, but it’s possible the side effects of his treatments were.” I give her a moment to digest everything.
They likely glossed over a lot of information back then, trying to keep her from worrying. They knew there was nothing she could do, so telling her everything wouldn’t have done anyone any good. “I remember Max being a big conversation at the time. He was young, and it was normal for him to share everything when he spoke with you. They never told him to withhold anything, but he was also pretty young at the time, so he wasn’t told everything.”
Quinn leans forward in her chair. Her eyes close for a second, as if she’s remembering something. “He did talk about you.” She opens her eyes and looks at me. “Max did mention you. I thought he was talking about a kid in his class. He would talk about all the cool things you two did together.” She shrugs again. “I knew Dad’s treatment was going to take it out of him. I thought Max had this friend in class whose parents knew what was going on and were trying to help by keeping him occupied.”
“You’re not wrong about wanting to occupy his time. That’s exactly what I had been doing.”
“He stopped talking about you, though.” She squints at me. “I didn’t question it at the time.”
“I don’t know why you would. He just started school at that point, meeting new people, making new friends. It was probably normal for him to talk about someone one day and someone else another.”
“No, he talked about you a lot. You were a big part of his life.” I can’t be positive, but a look of pure gratitude crosses her face.
“They’ve all been a big part of my life. I don’t know what I would have done if I hadn’t met your family when I did.” Before she can say anything, I continue, needing to change the subject. “I’ve been trying to figure out how I’ve never seen a recent picture of you. I mean, Emily has tons of pictures from their wedding around their house.”
Quinn laughs. “I was twenty-one, and a bit of a wild child. I absolutely hated most of the pictures I was in from their wedding. Upon threat of death, Emily was told not to put up any I was in. Or, at least, none where I would be easily seen and identified. I think she’s got a couple of the full wedding party up. I would be in those.”
Quinn is beautiful, but when she laughs, her smile brightens her face, and she is gorgeous. In that moment, I know I wish only ever to see Quinn when she’s happy. Yet I also know that won’t be possible. Soon, we’ll all be heartbroken over our loss.
“I’m kind of surprised we’ve never had a run in with each other over the last five years. I know when it came to your trips over the holidays, I was always back home myself. But any of those other trips, I don’t know. I don’t think it’s an exaggeration to say I see at least one person from your family most days.” I chuckle, getting a little more comfortable now we’ve moved on from the heavier topic of her father.
“Maybe the universe thought we weren’t ready for that.”
“You believe in that? Fate?”
“Not fate, no, but something else? I don’t know.” She messes with the papers on her desk, straightening them into neat piles. “It’s a nice thought, though. That there’s some force out there helping guide us in the right direction. Not necessarily God, but something bigger than us offering us a guiding light, if we choose to follow it.”
I was raised believing in God, but I don’t believe the same things I was raised to anymore. I’ve seen too many hardships in the world for me to have those same beliefs. I may not believe in that God anymore, but is there something bigger out there? I don’t know. I’m open to the idea of it, though.
“That is a comforting thought.” I use the moment of silence to change the subject again. “Have you heard how Scott is doing?”
“Yeah, Emily sent a text not too long ago. He made it through surgery with flying colors. He should be discharged soon. We’re trying to figure out the timing of everything. Emily and Caleb are both on shift this afternoon, so they can’t bring Dad home, and I’m supposed to pick Max up from school.”
“I can help. I have planning sixth period, so I’m available starting at two,” I offer.
“You sure?”
The way she looks at me has me shifting slightly. I shove my hands in my pockets to stop myself. “Absolutely. It’s not a problem.”
“That would be great. Could you pick Max up from school?”
“Yeah, sure thing. He’s got soccer this evening, right?” I ask, knowing the answer.
I play in a pickup soccer game most Thursdays. A few years ago, Scott brought Max to a game I had convinced Caleb to play as a fill-in for a guy who couldn’t make it that week. While Caleb never came back, Scott and Max did.
Max ended up getting really interested in the sport, and since Scott firmly believed in kids being involved in extracurricular activities, he signed Max up.
Scott made it a point to be at almost everything Max did, but soccer was the one thing outside of art I had always been obsessed with, and Scott deserved to have some time for himself. So, I asked if I could take Max to his weekly practice. And until shortly before Quinn came home, I had been taking Max.
“Crap, yeah, I totally forgot about that.” Quinn grabs her phone again. “I have got to remember to actually look at my calendar.”
“No worries. I’ll drop him off after soccer, if that’s okay with you.” I look at her. “I can take him back to my place, help him with his homework, and get him dinner before taking him to practice.” It’s actually what became our routine on days he had soccer.
“Are you sure? I’m pretty sure he doesn’t have his soccer stuff with him.”
“Yeah, it’s fine. We can swing by to grab it before practice.” I think for a moment before deciding to be completely honest with her. “I normally take him to his soccer practices. I played when I was his age. Through college, actually. It’s something I wanted to do with him, and Scott never seemed to mind.”
“Oh, then, of course. That would honestly be a major help.” She sets her phone down and stands from her seat, coming around the corner of her desk to stand a few feet in front of me. “I’m sorry you haven’t been taking him the last few weeks.” She wraps her arms around her waist, hugging herself.
“It’s fine.” I stand from my leaning position against the table. I didn’t realize how tall she was when I stood next to her yesterday. Even with me being six-foot-five, she easily comes up to right below my chin.
“Maybe we’ve all been so busy and focused on Dad, it really did slip everyone’s mind. Or maybe, they were afraid to hurt my feelings. Whatever the case may be, I don’t want my coming home to change anything about how you interact with my family,” she says quietly, clearly upset.
“It won’t.” I want to reach out and comfort her, but I hold back.
“It already has. I’ve been taking Max to practice since I’ve been home.” I open my mouth, but she steps forward, putting her hand out to stop me. “Not that I mind, I don’t. But there is no reason to change that routine.”
“Quinn—”
She doesn’t let me speak, she pushes forward, a wobble in her voice. “Just so you know, I’m happy you’ve been such an important part of their lives. I don’t want that to change.”
I forget whatever is holding me back from offering her comfort and take a step toward her, placing my hand on her raised one. I’m instantly taken back to the spark I felt yesterday when we shook hands.
“Quinn. I was the one who suggested I take a break from being around so much.” I pull my hand back from hers after they drop to her side and realize I’m practically holding her hand. “I wanted you all to have a chance to find your new normal, without interference from me.”
“But you’re part of that new normal,” she says urgently, stepping forward again. “You’re all important to each other, that shouldn’t change because I’m home.”
“It hasn’t, and it won’t. None of us will let it. But you’re important to them too, and that needed to take priority. At least for a little bit.”
I probably should have kept the normal schedule with Max, but I really had wanted everyone to have a chance to get re-acclimated to Quinn being around. She left when Max was still so young, so just having her back in the house with him and Scott would have been different. I also didn’t know how she would feel about some stranger—at least to her—being so present in her entire family’s lives. I didn’t want her to feel like I had taken her spot. Of course, based on everything I’ve heard from her family, I shouldn’t have been worried about how she would react to me being in their lives. At her core, Quinn is a good person, with a caring heart. All she’s going to care about is if her family is happy.
“If it makes you feel any better, both Scott and Caleb didn’t agree with me,” I tell her, shoving my hands back in my pockets to stop myself from touching her again. “I was the one who was adamant about taking a step back.”
She studies me intently for a few moments. Whatever she sees settles her. Her shoulders relax, and she releases a small breath. “No more removing yourself on my behalf.”
“Deal.”
Quinn puts her hand out in the space between us. “Shake on it.”
My eyes bounce between her hand and her face. Looking directly at her, I place my hand in hers, and we shake. But that spark is back, sending a shiver up my arm and down my spine, and now I can’t look away from her or take my hand back because I’m frozen in place.
I don’t know if she does, but I know I move even closer to her, leaving the smallest amount of space between us, just enough room for our hands that are still clasped together. She tilts her head to look up at me, and I can’t stop my eyes from tracking down her face to her lips. Lips I am definitely thinking about kissing.
But before I can act on those thoughts, the bell rings, making us jump.
Quinn looks down, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear, and steps back. “You’re sure you’re good to take Max today?”
“Yeah.” I clear my throat. “I’ve got Max.”
“Okay.” Quinn looks at me through her lashes. “Then, I’ll see you later this evening.”
“Yeah.” I nod, still stuck, standing here looking at her, trying to figure out what the hell just happened.
The late bell signaling the start of fifth period rings, knocking me out of my trance. I am officially late for my own class.